U1987 Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 I'm hesitant to use the word "relationship" because we've only been going out for a month and we haven't had sex yet (which I'll get to later) but I've been going out with the girl from school for the past month. We have nothing in common. I like to spend a night at the jazz club, she likes to go to this rowdy college bar for $1 beers and ice luge. I like jazz and classic rock, she likes Top 40 (). I like going to museums and art galleries, she likes shopping at the mall. In other words, she's your typical ditzy college party girl, but she's cute and attractive so I'm giving her a chance. The problem is whenever we go out, it's all about what she wants to do, and she's never willing to do what I want to do. Whenever I suggest something I want to do, she always refuses and suggests I do what she's doing. She's not even willing to try. I've been putting up with this for the hope of sex but it's been a month and she won't let me past making out. I've tried 2-steps-forward-1-step-back, teasing, "unexpectedly" stopping at a motel on the drive back to her house but it's always a no go. She stops my hand whenever I try to get under the shirt. It's really frustrating. We have a date tonight and once again, she refused my suggestion and suggested I go to where she's going. I'm really thinking of giving the put-out-or-get-out ultimatum. Any other ideas on how I should handle this girl?
OldSkool Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 The problem is whenever we go out, it's all about what she wants to do, and she's never willing to do what I want to do. Whenever I suggest something I want to do, she always refuses and suggests I do what she's doing. She's not even willing to try. I've been putting up with this for the hope of sex but it's been a month and she won't let me past making out. Your problem is very simple. It's called being self focused.
BiscuitXOXO Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 ...so a relationship isn't a relationship without sex? To me, this seems like, even with sex, there wouldn't be a relationship. All you care about is getting her to put out. All she cares about is doing activities she likes. Personally, if I were given a "put-out-or-get-out" ultimatum," I would be shocked and dump him in a hurry because that suggests to me that all he wants is sex, and doesn't care about what pace I want to take or what I think about sex. It seems both parties would be happier finding more compatible partners. I suggest you find another girl who is willing to have sex with you.
fortyninethousand322 Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 ...so a relationship isn't a relationship without sex? To me, this seems like, even with sex, there wouldn't be a relationship. All you care about is getting her to put out. All she cares about is doing activities she likes. Personally, if I were given a "put-out-or-get-out" ultimatum," I would be shocked and dump him in a hurry because that suggests to me that all he wants is sex, and doesn't care about what pace I want to take or what I think about sex. It seems both parties would be happier finding more compatible partners. I suggest you find another girl who is willing to have sex with you. Well I might suggest that he find someone who has the same interests as him. Yeah it's disconcerting that he seems to want sex, but he also expressed dismay over the fact that they have differing likes, interests, and lifestyles. Putting sex aside, if I were dating a girl who had the same interests as the girl the OP describes I wouldn't continue to see her. Not because of the sex, but because we would be entirely different in terms of personality.
vsmini Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 You're only dating her because she's cute and you want sex. She clearly isn't wanting to give it to you. So why stick around for something you aren't getting. You also don't really seem to enjoy your time with her. So move on. She can do the same.
carhill Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Any other ideas on how I should handle this girl? Date other girls. This one isn't compatible for anything serious. At your age, that's OK. You should be seeking casual and fun associations as well.
dispatch3d Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 (edited) ...so a relationship isn't a relationship without sex? To me, this seems like, even with sex, there wouldn't be a relationship. All you care about is getting her to put out. All she cares about is doing activities she likes. Personally, if I were given a "put-out-or-get-out" ultimatum," I would be shocked and dump him in a hurry because that suggests to me that all he wants is sex, and doesn't care about what pace I want to take or what I think about sex. It seems both parties would be happier finding more compatible partners. I suggest you find another girl who is willing to have sex with you. That's right. A relationship that doesn't involve sexual activities is commonly known as a FRIENDSHIP. I think giving the "put out or get out" ultimatum is a little too black/white thinking. Are you officially exclusive with this girl? I'd hardly think so from the description. In your situation I would actively seek dating other girls since this girl is not putting in any effort to keep you/make you happy/etc. I assume you are regularly giving her things she likes, doing stuff for her, etc. and she is not returning the affection any. I don't see how your current arrangement would prevent you from doing any of this either. It sounds like the relationship is more on the brink of anything serious rather than anything else. ie. you are on the friendship side of the dating continium, rather than the dating side (maybe from her point of view you are just barely in the dating side, but from a guys perspective you definitely are not on the dating side). You ever attempt to plan dates with her, or do something that is outside of the get drunk+party paradigm? It does sound like she thinks you are in it only for sex or something. Like have you ever cooked supper for her, or done anything similar? Found out what something she is interested in doing is, and done such a thing together. Or found something you are both interested, and attended/done the event together? Like I see no reason to stop the arrangement (you have nothing better on the backburner). At the same time I see nothing giving you particularly strong loyalty to the girl either - you don't do things regularly together, aren't having sex/getting even to second base, etc. Edited May 11, 2011 by dispatch3d
Cee Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Having read your other threads over several months, I suggest stick and stay for awhile. Getting to know someone over time is a priceless experience. In my experience, the deepest commonality in a couple is their interest in each other. Music, art, books, etc, are surface things although you may enjoy them deeply. If you are curious about her as a person and you puzzle to figure her out, then you are interested. As to whether she likes you or are stringing you along as a pseudo-boyfriend, I don't know. I think if you continue to listen to her, make her laugh, she may open up. Or maybe not. I would discard the idea that she's just a typical "college girl." It's patronizing and if she detects that from you, she'll dump you like a hot rock. Good luck. I'm happy you are dating someone. I was wondering how you were doing.
Author U1987 Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 ...so a relationship isn't a relationship without sex? umm... ... ... yeah.
Author U1987 Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 Having read your other threads over several months, I suggest stick and stay for awhile. Getting to know someone over time is a priceless experience. It's just that I get tired really fast of the whole "getting to know her" stage. It's exciting at first, feel like past date 2 or 3 there's few new things to learn about eachother and after that, to be honest, there's nothing to do except for sex. I would discard the idea that she's just a typical "college girl." It's patronizing and if she detects that from you, she'll dump you like a hot rock. Good luck. I'm happy you are dating someone. I was wondering how you were doing. On a date, we were hanging out with her girlfriend and that girl's boyfriend. At one point the guy jokingly said "I'm so hungry right now, I could eat an orphan." His girlfriend laughed "Oh my God, I can't believe you just said that!" and I replied "Don't hate. Jonathan Swift had some good ideas." My date said "Who's that? Taylor Swift's boyfriend?" All I could think of in my head was "Ugggh. Really? Really?"
carhill Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Friendship is a type of relationship, one of many. Hetero/Homo-sexual intimate relationships are another type. Family (sibling/parent/child,etc) are another. Business relationships are another. That said, if one party is walking the friendship relationship path and the other the intimate relationship path, then meeting on common ground will likely be difficult. As an example, my exW and I entered into an exclusive sexually intimate relationship after we began having sex a few months into our exclusive intimate relationship. Were we 'just friends' before my penis met her vagina? Not quite, by any stretch Intent and agreement to be on the same path makes the difference. OP, does this party girl speak? Can you have a mature conversation with her? If not, just move on without comment. If she comes around, date her as your schedule and/or interest dictates, but entertain more compatible potentials.
Els Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 You're only dating her because she's cute and you want sex. She clearly isn't wanting to give it to you. So why stick around for something you aren't getting. You also don't really seem to enjoy your time with her. So move on. She can do the same. I second this. You really can't blame her for 'only doing what she wants to do' when you're sticking around for the sole reason of trying to get laid.
Cee Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 It's just that I get tired really fast of the whole "getting to know her" stage. It's exciting at first, feel like past date 2 or 3 there's few new things to learn about eachother and after that, to be honest, there's nothing to do except for sex. On a date, we were hanging out with her girlfriend and that girl's boyfriend. At one point the guy jokingly said "I'm so hungry right now, I could eat an orphan." His girlfriend laughed "Oh my God, I can't believe you just said that!" and I replied "Don't hate. Jonathan Swift had some good ideas." My date said "Who's that? Taylor Swift's boyfriend?" All I could think of in my head was "Ugggh. Really? Really?" Your joke referring to "A Modest Proposal" is very clever. And you watching the couple joke with each other probably made it clear that that's what you want. That's what happy couples do - the riff off of each other's intelligence and humor. I'm surprised that you feel like you've gotten to know enough by the 3rd date and want to jump to sex. It doesn't work that way for me. I feel newness and uncertainty in the early months of a new relationship. And sex always feels "too soon" no matter how long I wait. The truth for me is that it takes so long to understand a person. And sex is an outgrowth of that desire for closeness and intimacy. (Yeah, and the getting off part is great too). I wish you had one good thing to say about her intelligence, personality, or heart. By the way you talk about it in unhappy terms, I say let her go. You deserve better. And so does she.
TokyoG33kyGal Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 even if she gives into sex, later on there'd be nothing much to do.
dispatch3d Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 It's just that I get tired really fast of the whole "getting to know her" stage. It's exciting at first, feel like past date 2 or 3 there's few new things to learn about eachother and after that, to be honest, there's nothing to do except for sex. On a date, we were hanging out with her girlfriend and that girl's boyfriend. At one point the guy jokingly said "I'm so hungry right now, I could eat an orphan." His girlfriend laughed "Oh my God, I can't believe you just said that!" and I replied "Don't hate. Jonathan Swift had some good ideas." My date said "Who's that? Taylor Swift's boyfriend?" All I could think of in my head was "Ugggh. Really? Really?" Your answer should be "Yeah, how'd you know!?" Being nice>being smart here man. She's not gunna know every single detail about everything. Give the girl a break geez . Also people hate criticism, so getting pissed at her for something like that.... Pick bigger battles .
BiscuitXOXO Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 On a date, we were hanging out with her girlfriend and that girl's boyfriend. At one point the guy jokingly said "I'm so hungry right now, I could eat an orphan." His girlfriend laughed "Oh my God, I can't believe you just said that!" and I replied "Don't hate. Jonathan Swift had some good ideas." My date said "Who's that? Taylor Swift's boyfriend?" All I could think of in my head was "Ugggh. Really? Really?" I doubt she was being serious. If she really is into pop culture and all that, then she would know who Taylor Swift's bf really is. I found this pretty funny actually. :laugh: ...And to those who said "a relationship isn't a relationship w/o sex, that a relationship w/o sex is a friendship," I disagree. I agree with carhill's stance. I also think a relationship has to exist before intercourse; although fwb situations may be and exception. And rape cases of course.
chelsea2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Well, if you find yourself saying "ugh" and getting frustrated with her then the answer is quite simple; you don't really fancy her that much. I think you should respect the fact that she is putting off sex because it's a sign that she wants to know a person first. What is wrong with that? Why would you want her to have sex with you when she is clearly not ready? You can criticize her all you want about not being up to your level, but in reality she is a cut above because she respects herself. Besides, it has only been a month. You need to adjust your expectations when it comes to dating. And if you feel like she won't compromise then it's on you to assert yourself and insist that the two of you do something you like for once. Don't blame her just because you are having an issue with standing up for yourself.
Nexus One Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 1. I don't think she's head over heels with you enough. (in the context of a strong crush) 2. I suspect this relationship isn't going to last. The most stable relationships tend to be between partners who are also friends. If you're compatible with someone as a friend and you both develop feelings for each other, then it's like you have a multi-layered relationship. The friendship will be an extra pillar on which the relationship can lean. I suspect such relationships can absorb a lot more problems/issues than relationships where there is no friendship involved.
Kamille Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 What will happen once she "puts out"? Are you then going to dump her because you two have nothing in common? Sex isn't miraculously going to improve how you two relate.
Els Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 What will happen once she "puts out"? Are you then going to dump her because you two have nothing in common? Sex isn't miraculously going to improve how you two relate. I don't think the OP is concerned much with improving relations with this girl - he only seems to be concerned about how he can get her to put out before his tolerance for her wears off.
irc333 Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 Something I've noticed, the BIGGEST "Hobby" or lifestyle where if one person did one thing, and the other did not....Motorcycle/Harley Riders and Horse Owners Apparently, some of them think or even it's a deal breake if their future sig other doesn't ride, or doesn't ride horses (or Harleys) No joke, to some this is a deal breaker. Not sure why though.
fortyninethousand322 Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 We have nothing in common. I like to spend a night at the jazz club, she likes to go to this rowdy college bar for $1 beers and ice luge. I like jazz and classic rock, she likes Top 40 (). I like going to museums and art galleries, she likes shopping at the mall. In other words, she's your typical ditzy college party girl, but she's cute and attractive so I'm giving her a chance. The problem is whenever we go out, it's all about what she wants to do, and she's never willing to do what I want to do. Whenever I suggest something I want to do, she always refuses and suggests I do what she's doing. She's not even willing to try. I don't think everyone should be admonishing you for wanting to push sex with this girl. Yes, that is an issue that you need to deal with, but the much greater issue is you finding a girl that you actually do have something in common with. I wonder though, is it just that such a woman doesn't exist?
NoMagicBullet Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 It's just that I get tired really fast of the whole "getting to know her" stage. It's exciting at first, feel like past date 2 or 3 there's few new things to learn about eachother and after that, to be honest, there's nothing to do except for sex. I find that really sad, at least from the relationship perspective. People are rarely so simple that you know all there is to know in 2-3 dates. Just based on that statement, I'd say that relationships are not for you, at least right now. A FWB situation would probably suit you better.
CrestfallenNoMore Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 You might want to extend your relationship-worthy criteria beyond "is cute and attractive." Because obviously it matters to you. Growing up is tough.
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