NotwhoIwas Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 WH had A 2 years ago. We have worked on the marriage and it is much better than before the A. I am totally different now. Before I was a SAHM and really kind of pathetic. I was totally under his control and allowed him to beat me down with his words. I really believed that I wasn't worth anything. Now, I no longer rely on him for validation. I returned to college and only have 8 more classes to finish with my Bachelors degree. He no longer has control over me because I realized I could make it without him. He is working hard to regain my trust but there is a part of me that is just biding my time until I can get away from him. My question is "at what point did you know that your marriage was over?" Some days are better than others. Take this morning for example....He woke me up and said "You have 4 minutes" (I like to stay in bed until exactly 6:30) I said "Good, come snuggle me for 4 minutes"(my way of being better and trying to save the marriage) We talked about what I was going to do today like take my business law final. We get up and three minutes later he asks me what test I'm gonna take today. WTF? I said "I just told you." He said "right, your finance test" He wasn't even listening...Times like that make me resolved to leave and find someone who respects me.
Mauschen Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Your husband's A was uncalled for, and I'm sure painful for you. But no relationship is perfect. Do you have children together? If you do, I suggest trying to make it work. In almost all long-term relationships there is going to be some tension and some problems. What you've described (your husband being a little rude and also not remembering what you told him about your test) is not so bad. I'm not defending your husband, but just saying that he is only human and isn't perfect. The grass is NOT greener on the other side. I left my ex-husband because of a 3-year Affair and because of escalating verbal and physical abuse. If my ex had been willing to work on himself and seek therapy (and ended the A), I would have stayed. Looking back, being married to someone like him (even though many days were really hard) was not as hard as being a single mother and also not as difficult as a second marriage (which I am in now). Even though my current husband is just wonderful - he is really the perfect man - it was easier to be married to my ex. Reasons include a history together and the current difficulties involved with blending a family (being stepparents and having stepchildren) and dealing with a bitter ex. I strongly suggest reading His Needs Her Needs, Love Busters, and visiting http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ to help save your marriage. There are many things you and your husband can do to make things work.
robf1971 Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 " He wasn't even listening...Times like that make me resolved to leave and find someone who respects me. No offence but what are you? 16 years old or something?
Author NotwhoIwas Posted May 12, 2011 Author Posted May 12, 2011 No, not young just traumatized. It felt like the way he treated me in the past. What I had to say was stupid and that my opinion didn't matter. I think I am just feeling the strain of d-day coming up in a few days, finals, and keeping the house up. Yes we do have kids. I'm so hypersensitive to anything that looks, feels, or smells like the old pattern we were in. I have worked soooo very hard at making the changes needed to make this marriage work. Most of my issues were on the outside. He could see them or I would tell him and he took them and beat me down with them. He kept his issues close to the vest. Nothing was wrong with him so it must be me. We both bought into this way of thinking. Just by looking at me a person can tell that I have made major changes but again he is so closed up that I sometimes wonder if he is just deceiving me. I looked long and hard at the things that I was doing to make our marriage weak and I have accepted my responsibility in what happened. He also was been doing good but sometimes I'm fearful. I'm tired....plain and simple. I'm tired of having to deal with all of the issues. If I had someone tell me where the line is. The line that says this, this and this and I knew it was over. Something concrete instead of limbo. I miss that. Thanks for listening.
2.50 a gallon Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 You have only made two posts, so I know that i have little to go on. But from what I read, it sounds as if you have not forgiven him, and that you are marely trying to act like you are working on the marriage, while in fact you are writing a book of bad, incidents that you can throw back in his face when you are ready
Mauschen Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 It does sound like you haven't forgiven your H for what he has done in the past. And it sounds like you are basing a lot of your happiness on how you expect your husband to respond to you. Believe me, divorce is not a good solution if your H is willing to work with you. Have you tried reading His Needs Her Needs? Have the 2 of you been to therapy together? Life is not easy as a single mother - and divorce is hard on the kids also. I wouldn't recommend it.
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