econdor Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Thank you for taking the time to read my post, I will try to paint the best picture in the fewest words possible but it'll be tough because there is a lot. I've done a good amount of reading on this forum as well as a few others but wanted to get some feedback specific to my situation because I feel like I'm on the verge of losing my mind. Here's my deal... I'm married almost 9 years with 2 children (6 & 4). I love my wife very much and do not, in any way, shape, or form, want our marriage to end. Things have been up and down for a few years and she has "threatened" divorce a few times...we had some issues with my wife vs. my family (i'm not big on confrontation so my way of dealing was to distance myself from my family and focus on my wife and kids), I had a pain-killer addiction which I overcame almost 3 years ago, and I had a failed business venture which left me on the hook for a nice chunk of change (approx 15K...half of which is still outstanding). But this past year has been the worst. At the end of May 2010 my boss orchestrated some b.s. story to a few close friends, my parents, and my brothers and said I needed help bc i was 'most-likely' taking pills again. So he set up an intervention and i was forced to go to detox for a week in order to keep my job. I was told it was confidential but by the next day the whole town knew, and in my role i was a public figure whose life was constantly under the microscope. Long story short, my reputation and integrity was crushed and it caused crazy anxiety to even think about going back to work there. I was put on an indefinite medical leave and got paid thru october, but since november i have not brought home a paycheck. Then in july things got very bad between me and my wife and she took out a TRO against me, which again people found out about (my wife felt terrible about doing it, she didnt realize exactly how it worked and i do believe if she had to do it all over again she would not make the call...she was very sincere in telling me that it was not her true intention - fyi...it resulted from an argument that we were both at fault over...it's not like i hit her or anything). I was supposed to go back to work in september but when the time came the anxiety had gotten worse, so i didn't go back. Rather i started to play mr. mom taking/picking up my kids from school, etc...and looking for work elsewhere. Admittedly I dragged my feet for a couple months as i became depressed, but in november/december i started doing a lot more around the house and as each month passed it seemed like i was doing more and more....most of which was to try to make my wife happy or make her life easier since she's been busting her butt working extra so that we'd stay afloat. And I've admitted and taken responsibility for my mistakes but whenever I ask my wife to do the same, she manages to turn it on me and get mad. I was doing a lot of thinking and realized that I was to blame for a lot of the bad in our marriage, so at the end of october i made a commitment to my wife to really work on us, our marriage, and our family...and for about a month things were better than they have ever been. We both saw it in our kids, how they loved seeing the affection between us, how they asked for family time, and just in their overall demeanor. I was finally starting to feel better and it was awesome to see how happy everyone was. Then, right before thanksgiving, i find out that my wife has been texting/emailing some guy. When i confronted her she told me it was a guy that asked for her number over the summer when things were really bad, but that it was nothing...she used the word "stupid"...and she offered to delete all his info together and that it was done. It hurt bad, and i told her that bc of the circumstances at the time, i wasn't even gonna focus on the fact that she should never have given out her number in the 1st place, but it felt like she had cheated on me, which i told her. It was hard to get it out of my mind but after a few weeks i managed to somewhat 'forget about it' but then sometime around christmas i find that she's still in contact with him and it crushed me, but again i take her word that it's nothing and it's done and i try to move on...apparently he lives like 2 hours away and for the most part i always know where my wife is so I have no reason to believe it is anything more than talk/text....but regardless, it still hurts bad! Then a month later, again!! Same deal. Then in the beginning of april, the 4th time. She swore it was done. She told me it was just a 'little game' she was playing to keep her into our marriage. The problem i have with this is since the light bulb went off for me, I have been giving and giving, and not getting. I accepted that she 'couldn't' give back to me until i was bringing home a paycheck because the fact that i wasn't working has put us in very bad financial situation and added so much stress to our lives that although i wasn't happy, i kind of understood where she was coming from. So it was me doing for her, showing affection, giving attention, complimenting, etc...and all i would get was "get a job." Trust me I've been trying, and been damn close, but nothing yet. And now she has finally been honest and said she is still in contact with him but that it's nothing. I have said it seems like an emotional affair and that makes her very mad. She swears she hasn't seen him since the day she gave her number, which i really want to believe but the truth is i really dont know. It has consumed me. It's always on my mind and it makes me sick. It makes it so hard to focus on anything, let alone completing an application or going on an interview. Yet when I asked her how she'd feel if the roles were reversed, she won't answer....all she'll say is get a job. Basically there's a list of about 5 things I have to take care of, all of which are very important, with the job as #1. But this situation with this guy is killing me, and it's killing me that she wont stop. It's led me to snooping, which i'm so ashamed of, but it hurts even more that she won't take a step back and see the cause-effect of this whole situation (if there was no "he" i wouldnt have snooped - i've never been controlling or suspicious - i'm pretty laid back in general) rather she uses it to get mad at me like, how dare you invade my privacy? But when i was out of the house last year for a week she went through practically everything i own, which i never made a big deal of. I've said that we need transparency between us, no secrets, no lies, and that if she stops talking to this jerk it would do wonders for my mind, which in turn does wonders for us. I asked her to stop a number of times recently bc it is having such a negative effect on me, on us, and on our family....it is the catalyst behind almost all our arguments, it has taken considerable time away from our kids, it is nothing but sabotaging the hopes of moving forward. And she can be so spiteful/stubborn that if i tell her to stop or i'm out the door, she'll probably just say good-bye, and i can not be without my kids, they are my life, and it would crush them as much as me since i'm the one that puts them to bed, bathes them, does the school thing, etc... We went away for a night on sunday and had an awesome time, but then he came up yesterday and everything has gone to *****....she said some very nice/sincere things when we were away only to make me feel like a p.o.s last night and this morning. And she gets mad when i'm mad about this situation and without fail, every time turns it around to "get a job." Last night i told her i need her to stop...that i really needed it bad, and that i never ask for anything this seriously (and reminded her that she's always asking me to do/not do things) but i need it more than anything, ever, and promised how much better things will get quickly. Her response was "not until you get a job...when you get a job i'll stop." Sorry for the length, but there is actually a lot that i left out, but the major events/issues are addressed and I'd really appreciate some input. How do I handle this, what would you do, what do you think (other than how can i let it happen 4-5 times)...???
ShatteredReality Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Wow....well it sounds like there is a lot going on here. You're right - she needs to get rid of this other guy. It may be an emotional affair....it could be an ego boost that she feels that she needs, but ultimately that's still something emotional she's getting out of it...something she should never look to another man to get. However...I would also say it sounds like you've had some emotional issues of your own that may need handling. If you have severe anxiety you need to seek treatment for it ASAP. I can speak from the standpoint of a woman living with a man with anxiety/depression/ADD and so on...it can be easy for your emotional needs to be left completely unattended to. Sometimes I have to really sit my H down and tell him my emotional needs and what I need from him. A woman supporting a family against her will is a woman not having her emotional needs met. I promise you this. Maybe that flies in the face of all feminist thinking, but I am not a feminist. I believe men and women are built somewhat differently, we are more emotional than men in most cases. Also we have an almost built in desire to be taken care of by a man...not controlled by or suffocated by, but kept secure by....there is a difference. We are also more nurturing and maternal...hence the reason women stayed home with the kids for so long traditionally and, I believe, part of the reason society has taken such a nosedive since that is no longer the norm. If you and your spouse agree to the housedad arrangement that's one thing, but if it falls on her shoulders unexpectedly and she is not given another option, the husband becomes like having an additional child to tend to. A chore. Esp if he's an emotional mess...so while I think she has no clue how awesome it is the things that you do to try to please her....perhaps those aren't the things that SHE NEEDS. So yeah...she needs to get rid of OM...and you need to make sure you are looking at your contribution emotionally to this marriage with the right perspective and not thinking you contribute more than you do.
robf1971 Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Thank you for taking the time to read my post, I will try to paint the best picture in the fewest words possible but it'll be tough because there is a lot. I've done a good amount of reading on this forum as well as a few others but wanted to get some feedback specific to my situation because I feel like I'm on the verge of losing my mind. Here's my deal... I'm married almost 9 years with 2 children (6 & 4). I love my wife very much and do not, in any way, shape, or form, want our marriage to end. Things have been up and down for a few years and she has "threatened" divorce a few times...we had some issues with my wife vs. my family (i'm not big on confrontation so my way of dealing was to distance myself from my family and focus on my wife and kids), I had a pain-killer addiction which I overcame almost 3 years ago, and I had a failed business venture which left me on the hook for a nice chunk of change (approx 15K...half of which is still outstanding). But this past year has been the worst. At the end of May 2010 my boss orchestrated some b.s. story to a few close friends, my parents, and my brothers and said I needed help bc i was 'most-likely' taking pills again. So he set up an intervention and i was forced to go to detox for a week in order to keep my job. I was told it was confidential but by the next day the whole town knew, and in my role i was a public figure whose life was constantly under the microscope. Long story short, my reputation and integrity was crushed and it caused crazy anxiety to even think about going back to work there. I was put on an indefinite medical leave and got paid thru october, but since november i have not brought home a paycheck. Then in july things got very bad between me and my wife and she took out a TRO against me, which again people found out about (my wife felt terrible about doing it, she didnt realize exactly how it worked and i do believe if she had to do it all over again she would not make the call...she was very sincere in telling me that it was not her true intention - fyi...it resulted from an argument that we were both at fault over...it's not like i hit her or anything). I was supposed to go back to work in september but when the time came the anxiety had gotten worse, so i didn't go back. Rather i started to play mr. mom taking/picking up my kids from school, etc...and looking for work elsewhere. Admittedly I dragged my feet for a couple months as i became depressed, but in november/december i started doing a lot more around the house and as each month passed it seemed like i was doing more and more....most of which was to try to make my wife happy or make her life easier since she's been busting her butt working extra so that we'd stay afloat. And I've admitted and taken responsibility for my mistakes but whenever I ask my wife to do the same, she manages to turn it on me and get mad. I was doing a lot of thinking and realized that I was to blame for a lot of the bad in our marriage, so at the end of october i made a commitment to my wife to really work on us, our marriage, and our family...and for about a month things were better than they have ever been. We both saw it in our kids, how they loved seeing the affection between us, how they asked for family time, and just in their overall demeanor. I was finally starting to feel better and it was awesome to see how happy everyone was. Then, right before thanksgiving, i find out that my wife has been texting/emailing some guy. When i confronted her she told me it was a guy that asked for her number over the summer when things were really bad, but that it was nothing...she used the word "stupid"...and she offered to delete all his info together and that it was done. It hurt bad, and i told her that bc of the circumstances at the time, i wasn't even gonna focus on the fact that she should never have given out her number in the 1st place, but it felt like she had cheated on me, which i told her. It was hard to get it out of my mind but after a few weeks i managed to somewhat 'forget about it' but then sometime around christmas i find that she's still in contact with him and it crushed me, but again i take her word that it's nothing and it's done and i try to move on...apparently he lives like 2 hours away and for the most part i always know where my wife is so I have no reason to believe it is anything more than talk/text....but regardless, it still hurts bad! Then a month later, again!! Same deal. Then in the beginning of april, the 4th time. She swore it was done. She told me it was just a 'little game' she was playing to keep her into our marriage. The problem i have with this is since the light bulb went off for me, I have been giving and giving, and not getting. I accepted that she 'couldn't' give back to me until i was bringing home a paycheck because the fact that i wasn't working has put us in very bad financial situation and added so much stress to our lives that although i wasn't happy, i kind of understood where she was coming from. So it was me doing for her, showing affection, giving attention, complimenting, etc...and all i would get was "get a job." Trust me I've been trying, and been damn close, but nothing yet. And now she has finally been honest and said she is still in contact with him but that it's nothing. I have said it seems like an emotional affair and that makes her very mad. She swears she hasn't seen him since the day she gave her number, which i really want to believe but the truth is i really dont know. It has consumed me. It's always on my mind and it makes me sick. It makes it so hard to focus on anything, let alone completing an application or going on an interview. Yet when I asked her how she'd feel if the roles were reversed, she won't answer....all she'll say is get a job. Basically there's a list of about 5 things I have to take care of, all of which are very important, with the job as #1. But this situation with this guy is killing me, and it's killing me that she wont stop. It's led me to snooping, which i'm so ashamed of, but it hurts even more that she won't take a step back and see the cause-effect of this whole situation (if there was no "he" i wouldnt have snooped - i've never been controlling or suspicious - i'm pretty laid back in general) rather she uses it to get mad at me like, how dare you invade my privacy? But when i was out of the house last year for a week she went through practically everything i own, which i never made a big deal of. I've said that we need transparency between us, no secrets, no lies, and that if she stops talking to this jerk it would do wonders for my mind, which in turn does wonders for us. I asked her to stop a number of times recently bc it is having such a negative effect on me, on us, and on our family....it is the catalyst behind almost all our arguments, it has taken considerable time away from our kids, it is nothing but sabotaging the hopes of moving forward. And she can be so spiteful/stubborn that if i tell her to stop or i'm out the door, she'll probably just say good-bye, and i can not be without my kids, they are my life, and it would crush them as much as me since i'm the one that puts them to bed, bathes them, does the school thing, etc... We went away for a night on sunday and had an awesome time, but then he came up yesterday and everything has gone to *****....she said some very nice/sincere things when we were away only to make me feel like a p.o.s last night and this morning. And she gets mad when i'm mad about this situation and without fail, every time turns it around to "get a job." Last night i told her i need her to stop...that i really needed it bad, and that i never ask for anything this seriously (and reminded her that she's always asking me to do/not do things) but i need it more than anything, ever, and promised how much better things will get quickly. Her response was "not until you get a job...when you get a job i'll stop." Sorry for the length, but there is actually a lot that i left out, but the major events/issues are addressed and I'd really appreciate some input. How do I handle this, what would you do, what do you think (other than how can i let it happen 4-5 times)...??? Yep, she;s lost respect for you, probably because of the job. Firstly, get a job... not because your wife is nagging you but do it for yourself. Secondly, you need to monitor her computer, and cell bills etc. she's having an emotional affair, you need to find out who with. Find out if this shmuck is married, tell his wife break up their little tea party. Then you say "wife I will not live in an open marriage, and be disrepected like this, please stop contacting OM with complete transparency and agree to MC with me or leave the house. What's it to be? Anything less than a yes, don't say anything. Go to a lawyer, get a childcare/separation agreement. Pack her sh*t up in boxes, tell her she has 2 weeks to leave.
Recommended Posts