GivenUp0083 Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 (edited) It's been a week since my gf broke up with me after 4.5 months because she wanted "true love" instead of what we had. Those who've read my posts should know that I no longer want her back. What's really bothering me is that there are some things I really want to say to her that are remaining to be a chip on my shoulder. The things I want to say to her: - Basically start off saying there's some things she's done recently that I just don't appreciate, and despite that she feels guilty I really don't care for her words and that I'm a little annoyed and angry at her action and the timing of this scenario, partly because I feel taken advantage of and that she was dishonest and deceitful. I'll also go on to say that her attempt to offload her guilt comes across as offensive and patronizing and I don't care for her to speak to me that way at all. - It was a harsh move to allow me to help her move and let her meet my dad when knowing she was going to end it with me - That she used to get upset at stupid little things and made me feel like I had to choose my words very carefully whenever around her - That she used to tell me I had to act a certain way because that's what it means to be in a relationship, dictating what our relationship should be like her mind - Referring to our relationship as "settling for less" - And most of all I want to tell her I don't appreciate her trying to patronize me. She claims responsibility for "teaching me what relationships are all about and what love is". She also talked down to me in that last email stating "you have the ability to love someone, blah blah blah". I don't appreciate her telling me my abilities and taking credit for teaching me anything. If I did learn anything, it's that people who are just as easily able to jump into relationship mode are just as easy to jump out. There are many other things she taught me that I'm sure she's not aware of or would not care to hear. Is it worth getting this off my chest? I think it will make me feel better, has anyone else done this and found it to be helpful once they realized they are past taking them back? Calling her, telling her these things, not necessarily getting in her face and being super rude, but telling her flat out that "this is what sucked about you and I don't appreciate what you did to me the last few weeks". I might actually feel more closure as we did break up over the phone, we never really had that "final" conversation, and there were a lot of things I wanted to say that I didn't. I feel like they are eating me alive right now. Thoughts? Thank you for all the words of advice to this point. Edited May 11, 2011 by GivenUp0083
geegirl Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Why didn't you tell her how you felt when you broke up over the phone? Sounds like sour grapes now. Sounds like you have been sitting around fuming and letting it fester and now you want your chance to jab her just as she jabbed you. Will it matter? Will it change how she viewed you or the R? No. She'll probably listen and 1) you two will start bickering and drama starts again 2) she dismisses you and makes you feel worse 3) she's indifferent and you don't get any response from her. Learn from this lesson and move on. Going back and rehashing will only make her view you as still being affected, attached and emotional. Whatever she did to you, she's not 100% responsible. You're accountable for allowing her to treat you however she treated you.
Mcnulty Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 if you contact her and tell all of this, it won't be final conersat6ion you're having, it'll be either heated, she'll tell you where to go, or she'll agree with you and tell you NOW it's the end, which by the sounds of it is something you don't need to hear AGAIN. Self preservation must kick in....don't do it, move on and put her in the past.
Author GivenUp0083 Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 I don't know why I didn't tell her. I guess I was still blown away and I froze because I was still taking in that this was ACTUALLY happening. So I just said "fine, bye". I know she won't bicker, and she's the one overly stating "I want you to know I'm here for you if you need someone to talk to". Well I feel like I do need to talk, that I do need to tell her these things and I can make it final. Maybe I could do this in an email: State that I've been busy lately and I needed time to clear my head before responding to her. Then basically tell her everything that I'm pissed off about. At the end I can then control her communication to me and block her. She won't have the guts to call me. I'll state at the end of the email that I no longer want any contact with her and she can save her self the trouble of writing back (and I'll add her to my spam email list to be safe). I definitely should've said some things to her, she just blindsided me with it and I didn't know how to react, I was caught off guard. I want to reiterate that I do not want her back, this is simply to offload some stress and angry feelings I have toward her that will help me get past this. I don't want this to consume me and make me bitter. Telling her what's eating away at me could very well help finalize the whole thing and allow me to move on.
rayne05us Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Trust me when I tell you this...silence will speak SOOO SOOO much more than you contacting her. She will completely think you've moved on, even if you haven't at this point. If you contact her, she will think she's gotten to you. Maintain the NC. If for some reason she contacts you, then you can say all that, but leave it alone for now.
justagirrl Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 don't contact, come on here and vent. i contacted, told my feelings, and didn't get the outcome i was hoping for. it's just gonna make things worse. in my situation we came to an agreement, but it wasn't what i was hoping for.
Author GivenUp0083 Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 Some more backstory, but this could be very insignificant and I could be over analyzing: 1. I chatted on facebook with her best friend yesterday. Her best friend is dating one of my best friends. All I said to her was "hi, how are you"'s then I told her that I still consider her a friend and that I don't want it to be awkward around her and that we should have a fun time this summer. I said nothing about my ex or how I'm doing or how I feel. Nothing. 2. My ex is online on gchat/gmail today, as we speak. She only signed up for gmail to chat with me while at work, she uses yahoo for her personal email. She doesn't have any friends with gchat whom she speaks with, especially at lunch. She is on now, and I feel like she's just baiting me to talk to her. Don't worry, I won't say anything. If she initiates I will just ignore most likely, unless she presses then I'll let the dogs out. She hasn't been online in a week, the last time she was online it was to talk to me and reiterate how she's sorry she hurt me and that she made the right decision. She volunteered this information without any prying on my part. Thoughts?
Kilty Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Keep your dignity at all times otherwise you will make a tit of yourself and probably regret it. Nothing good will come about it ever and most likely somewhere down the line you will wish you never said anything to her. The power lies with the person that needs the relationship least. Lose control and rant and you lose power and in her eyes you also make yourself look silly Dont do it - if you have to break NC be nice. Silence is the best but second to that is being INDIFFERENT !
geegirl Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 I wanted to tell my ex so many things and when I did, he'd rebutt and I'd rebutt and back and forth and this was face to face and email. She's formed her view of you and what the R was. Nothing you say will make her change that or she probably won't even care. Or it may bite you back as she may lunge at you with more hurtful words and you will want to rebutt that as well and what started off as a polite need to clarify becomes a battle of who did what right/wrong. Stop fueling the fire. Not worth it.
Author GivenUp0083 Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 But what do you think about the gchat thing? I feel like she's baiting me....
geegirl Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 So what if she is on gchat. If she's baiting you, don't take the bait. She may just be on gchat, that's all. Why don't you log out of your gchat so you are not tempted or tempt her. Don't go looking for trouble when you don't need to.
Author GivenUp0083 Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 So what if she is on gchat. If she's baiting you, don't take the bait. She may just be on gchat, that's all. Why don't you log out of your gchat so you are not tempted or tempt her. Don't go looking for trouble when you don't need to. I won't say anything, I just know now that she's trying to play games with me. She doesn't USE gchat, she only used it to talk to me and she hasn't been on in a week. The last time she was, it was to talk to me. Just shows how stupid she is.
Kilty Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 How do you KNOW she is not talking to someone else on Gchat ? I assume this is similar to Messenger or the likes ? She could have added someone else now she knows how to use it etc The truth is you dont know so its pointless surmising The best advice has been given - do not log on to gchat or block her She has to contact you if she wants to say anything - you must say nothing
Author GivenUp0083 Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 How do you KNOW she is not talking to someone else on Gchat ? I assume this is similar to Messenger or the likes ? She could have added someone else now she knows how to use it etc The truth is you dont know so its pointless surmising The best advice has been given - do not log on to gchat or block her She has to contact you if she wants to say anything - you must say nothing As crazy as this sounds....I just know. She never used it before, and every time she ever logged on was to talk to me. But it's fine, you guys are just being concerned for me in failing to maintain NC, but don't you worry, I won't be breaking it. It's all good.
dng Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 I won't say anything, I just know now that she's trying to play games with me. She doesn't USE gchat, she only used it to talk to me and she hasn't been on in a week. The last time she was, it was to talk to me. Just shows how stupid she is. Block her on gchat. I had to do that myself. You wont regret it, unless you like the feeling of having her sit so close to your space. block/delete her contact. Filter her email while you are at it.
vsmini Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 I know how you feel but the truth is - you will never be able to get everything off your chest. Even if you called her and she heard everything you have to say...a few weeks down the line you'd think of MORE stuff to tell her. It never ends. There was so much stuff I wanted to tell my ex because I was afraid of him "getting away" with things and I didn't want him to feel like he was off the hook for any of the shady things he did. I wanted him to know that in retrospect nothing slipped under my radar. Well - I realized I would be taking so many steps back with my own dignity if I called and b*tched him out. It's just not worth it. Gotta learn to let it go.
flitzanu Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 seriously sounds like you want someone to tell you that it's ok to contact her because you kinda rebut the opinions and advice given. if you think it's a grand idea or that she's stalking you on gchat, go for it. 1. she isn't 2. everyone gets invited on gchat when you sign up and another friend is in your list 3. there is literally no human sound that will come out of your mouth that is going to change anything about how you feel or how she feels, and no sound from your mouth is going to make her "see" that she's a cunt. so type it here, write it out, do something with it, but don't contact her to say it.
radiodarcy Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 So what if she is on gchat. If she's baiting you, don't take the bait. She may just be on gchat, that's all. Why don't you log out of your gchat so you are not tempted or tempt her. Don't go looking for trouble when you don't need to. agreed. i used yahoo IM to chat with my ex. and aside from a moment of weakness when i logged in about a month ago - - i simply havent been logging in. primarily because he seemed to go out of his way to post every single thing he was doing on his status - - which is something he had done before but never to that extent. was he doing it to get my goat? possibly. did it work! or course! it drove me absolutely batty! so what did i do? stopped logging in. problem solved speaking of gchat i logged into my gmail yesterday and noticed that he was online. funny because i don't remember adding him to my gchat list nor do i remember him using gchat. is he using it now to chat with a new flame? perhaps. but i'm not going to waste time speculating over it. it won't change anything and will only give me increased heartburn. who needs the aggravation? let it go - - you'll be better off for it
Author GivenUp0083 Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 agreed. i used yahoo IM to chat with my ex. and aside from a moment of weakness when i logged in about a month ago - - i simply havent been logging in. primarily because he seemed to go out of his way to post every single thing he was doing on his status - - which is something he had done before but never to that extent. was he doing it to get my goat? possibly. did it work! or course! it drove me absolutely batty! so what did i do? stopped logging in. problem solved speaking of gchat i logged into my gmail yesterday and noticed that he was online. funny because i don't remember adding him to my gchat list nor do i remember him using gchat. is he using it now to chat with a new flame? perhaps. but i'm not going to waste time speculating over it. it won't change anything and will only give me increased heartburn. who needs the aggravation? let it go - - you'll be better off for it ^^^^This. Wonderful idea. I wouldn't mind bathing in the warm comfort that I'm messing with her head and showing I have a lot going on in my life
WTRanger Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 ^^^^This. Wonderful idea. I wouldn't mind bathing in the warm comfort that I'm messing with her head and showing I have a lot going on in my life Oh man, you've got a lot to learn. I think you missed to whole point of RadioDarcy's post. As she said, LET IT GO. Letting it go doesn't involve playing with someone's head. She's not bating you. That's your run away brain trying to come up with reasons. Truth is, you have zero clue as to why she's on there. If you can't control you brain, block her so you can't see her online. Then, guess what, out of sight out of mind. You won't waste your time trying to answer a question that has no answer.
radiodarcy Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Oh man, you've got a lot to learn. I think you missed to whole point of RadioDarcy's post. As she said, LET IT GO. Letting it go doesn't involve playing with someone's head. She's not bating you. That's your run away brain trying to come up with reasons. Truth is, you have zero clue as to why she's on there. If you can't control you brain, block her so you can't see her online. Then, guess what, out of sight out of mind. You won't waste your time trying to answer a question that has no answer. agreed! GivenUp - - the whole idea of letting it go is to stop you from going crazy. if you're trying to get back at your ex by using this tactic, you're only going to wind up shooting yourself in the foot.
kaycstamper Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 The best thing to do is go totally dark on her. Block her from FB, phone, email, do not text, do not chat, do not see her, tell your family and friends you do not want to know what she's doing. The total silence will drive her more nuts than anything you could say. But don't let that be your motivation, make it your life cause to get over her and move on.
Author GivenUp0083 Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 The best thing to do is go totally dark on her. Block her from FB, phone, email, do not text, do not chat, do not see her, tell your family and friends you do not want to know what she's doing. The total silence will drive her more nuts than anything you could say. But don't let that be your motivation, make it your life cause to get over her and move on. You're absolutely right. She's just trying to play games, she WANTS me to contact her either because she likes to know someone's chasing her or because she wants to feel less guilty. She used to do this when we were together too, she would "bait" me in to saying ILY's only to tell me she wasn't ready to say it back. When I stopped saying it, she started saying ILY only get me to say it again. It's all so very clear now that we're broken up she never really cared, she just liked knowing that I cared. Anyway, she's blocked, gone, done. She had a window to talk to me if she wanted, she blew it. I told her on the phone when we broke up that she made a mistake, now she has to live with it. I'll go dark now.
loveprofusion Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 dude,i can empathise with you.i went through similar situation you have mentioned two months back.my advice is..under no circumstance you contact that wixen.it is hard i know, you will feel dejected ,humiliated and what not.trust me,eventually it will pass.for me "baggagereclaim" thoroughly helped me and i feel like something is off my chest.you should visit it.i am on NC for the past two months.no matter how she misses me or needs closure if she feels guilty,i am not going to give her that luxury.do yourself a favor ,reclaim your lost dignity"keep your mouth shut...become emotionless" best of luck!!!
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