Viking Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Last night my girlfriend and I went to a pub to play some cards and have a beer. While we were playing, she brought up the fact that she is going to Taiwan in September for an academic year to study abroad and that we will be apart for 5 months (this will be stressful for me). I will be joining her in the second half of her time there as I am planning on obtaining a teaching position there to teach English as a Second Language. So, we'll be back together for the second half of her trip. We've been together for one year and 8 months. She brought up the fact that she was nervous about her trip and us as we've never spent so much time apart. She was also voicing concerns with bigger life issues. Questioning whether or not she would ever want to get married, what she wants out of life etc. I have never pressured her to feel like I am on a timeline as far as getting married, kids etc go. I'm 25 and she is 22, so those kinds of things are in the future a ways still. Her most recent ex-bf was talking about marriage after 9 months, something that would probably freak girls out. Especially as he didn't have himself together, let alone her. I have made sure that I don't bring it up or kids (which really is a topic that I feel should be discussed, but she says that she would have to wait until after her Taiwan trip to discuss them because she doesn't know what is going on/what she wants yet). I have tried to be low pressure about "us" in the future as it is hard to say what will happen. My main concern is that she brought these up. Is this some pre-breakup discussion that we had? It seems like the only time these topics come up is when people/me are getting broken up with. She assured me that we are doing fine, and that she was just voicing concerns. Concerns that if she kept inside, might lead to a breakup later on down the road due to their importance. I am afraid of what this means for our relationship. Is this part of the normal healthy discourse of two people who are in a committed relationship, but due to one of them being younger? This trip is important to her, and probably one of the only things she will get to do while still in school and experience freedom in the world before she needs to also start something real. This is my observation based on previous experience and experiences from my friends. Girls (not all, but a lot) when they hit their early to mid twenties, feel the need to go on some sort of "self finding journey". What happens then is that they feel like they need to break it off with the one person who loves them. This happened to a friend of mine, and an ex-gf did something similar to me. Am I wrong in that theory? I have tried to make sure that my girlfriend had as few concerns as possible. I tell her that I love her, think she's beautiful, feed (as odd as that sounds) and make sure she's taken care of. The fact that she still has concerns worries me. I am a chronic worrier, so this is probably something I am making into a much bigger deal than it really is. What kind of advice would you offer someone who worries a lot about stuff like this? I would assume that it is healthy to discuss your concerns about the future. Thanks, I appreciate it.
Mrlonelyone Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Well lets face it... going from being in a normal relationship to being in a LDR has broken up many relationships. i.e. How many married soldiers were broken up with by a letter as they were in the Ardennes fighting off Hitlers Wermacht and the SS in 1944? LOTS! How many of those solders had been taking liberties consetual or not with the French and German women? Lots! Stress and distance has broken up marriages. Marriages. So there is indeed a good chance that your gf may be thinking about breaking up, or taking the time apart as a "break" from the relationship...(expecting you to still come overseas to her.) OR she may just play around while your apart expecting you to do the same. Let me qualify the gloom and doom above with a story. John and Abbigail Adams lived about half of their married lives apart. With John in Philidelphia, or Paris, doing the business of the Continental Congress, or in DC as VP or Prez of the USA. They had nothing to keep them in touch by infrequent letters that took weeks or months to travel. They were married for 40 or 50 years until death. So a LDR does not have to kill a relationship...but the ones that do survive turn out to be stronger and deeper for it.
Ruby Slippers Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 It's good that she talked to you about this. It doesn't have to be the end of the relationship. I think the best thing you can do is relax, be supportive, and carry on with your life. If she wants to stay with you, she will. And if she doesn't, she won't. So just be as attractive as you can be to increase the likelihood of the relationship lasting. You relaxing, being supportive, and living your life are all healthy and attractive actions.
Skump Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Questioning whether or not she would ever want to get married Bro, I hate to say this but... any man interested in marriage should never even consider a LTR with a woman who says something like this. The perspective, priorities, values, personality, etc. that such a comment implies are totally foreign to the landscape of a successful marriage. It's bad enough when the dude in a partnership is lukewarm about matrimony, but when the girl isn't sold? You are probably quite proper f*cked.
VicJay79 Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Dear Viking, I am a chronic worrier as well. I understand. Here is my two cents on this situation. 1. Your Girlfriend is going to a new country and is nervous and probably a bit scared. Its a huge change. 2. Your Girlfriend has never spent this much time apart, further causing her to get nervous and scared. 3. When you get nervous and scared sometimes you have the fight or flight option. Many choose flight just out of fear and not out of desire. 4. This later option may have caused her to second guess lots of things about the relationship, you, and even LIFE! I would accept this as just her getting a bit scared of the new journey this relationship will take when she can't see you ever minute of the day. Don't worry my friend, things will turn out ok. Last night my girlfriend and I went to a pub to play some cards and have a beer. While we were playing, she brought up the fact that she is going to Taiwan in September for an academic year to study abroad and that we will be apart for 5 months (this will be stressful for me). I will be joining her in the second half of her time there as I am planning on obtaining a teaching position there to teach English as a Second Language. So, we'll be back together for the second half of her trip. We've been together for one year and 8 months. She brought up the fact that she was nervous about her trip and us as we've never spent so much time apart. She was also voicing concerns with bigger life issues. Questioning whether or not she would ever want to get married, what she wants out of life etc. I have never pressured her to feel like I am on a timeline as far as getting married, kids etc go. I'm 25 and she is 22, so those kinds of things are in the future a ways still. Her most recent ex-bf was talking about marriage after 9 months, something that would probably freak girls out. Especially as he didn't have himself together, let alone her. I have made sure that I don't bring it up or kids (which really is a topic that I feel should be discussed, but she says that she would have to wait until after her Taiwan trip to discuss them because she doesn't know what is going on/what she wants yet). I have tried to be low pressure about "us" in the future as it is hard to say what will happen. My main concern is that she brought these up. Is this some pre-breakup discussion that we had? It seems like the only time these topics come up is when people/me are getting broken up with. She assured me that we are doing fine, and that she was just voicing concerns. Concerns that if she kept inside, might lead to a breakup later on down the road due to their importance. I am afraid of what this means for our relationship. Is this part of the normal healthy discourse of two people who are in a committed relationship, but due to one of them being younger? This trip is important to her, and probably one of the only things she will get to do while still in school and experience freedom in the world before she needs to also start something real. This is my observation based on previous experience and experiences from my friends. Girls (not all, but a lot) when they hit their early to mid twenties, feel the need to go on some sort of "self finding journey". What happens then is that they feel like they need to break it off with the one person who loves them. This happened to a friend of mine, and an ex-gf did something similar to me. Am I wrong in that theory? I have tried to make sure that my girlfriend had as few concerns as possible. I tell her that I love her, think she's beautiful, feed (as odd as that sounds) and make sure she's taken care of. The fact that she still has concerns worries me. I am a chronic worrier, so this is probably something I am making into a much bigger deal than it really is. What kind of advice would you offer someone who worries a lot about stuff like this? I would assume that it is healthy to discuss your concerns about the future. Thanks, I appreciate it.
Author Viking Posted May 12, 2011 Author Posted May 12, 2011 Well, thank you all for your advice. It is nice to hear different viewpoints. My Dad also was a little pessimistic, but that is probably where I get that trait from. I flat out asked her when she got off work and we were getting ready to eat, "Do I have anything to worry about (in regards to last night's discussion)?" She said I don't have anything to worry about, so unless I was completely distrusting, there is nothing to be worried over. She said she was voicing concerns before they caused her to want to break up. Fair enough. I can live with that. As far as the Taiwan trip goes, she is nervous and excited. She has been looking for off campus housing so I can come live with her when I get there. I am looking forward to the trip, but for different reasons. Mainly because it would be awesome to travel some more, especially with my girlfriend. I tried to get her to come with me to Germany, but between school and trying to transfer my Dad's ticket to her name, we were unable to go together. Anyway, I feel more relaxed now. We are going out with some friends tonight and I asked one of them to keep an eye out to see if she notices anything suspicious or weird (it is a double date with some of my friends, who my girlfriend has not had much interaction with).
carhill Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 My perspective would essentially mirror RubySlipper's and I would then, if still together and in a positive position, communicate my clear vision of my preference for the future relationship at the time of return home after 'your time together'. That, IMO, is plenty of time to 'go with the flow'. Relationships are two-way streets. If there isn't synergy, there isn't. If there is, there is. You're still very young, even after another year. However, years can quickly slip by when inaction and 'going with the flow' rules the dynamic. Guard against that. Good luck
mogul Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 The best advice I can give you is to just be supportive of her. Don't take her for granted. Find the middle ground between giving her space, yet being supportive. If she says it isn't an issue, don't let it become one by constantly asking her or being paranoid and causing unnecessary tension. The conversation does not sound like a pre break up conversation. She is simply voicing her concerns because it sounds like she cares about the relationship. Make sure both you and your gf are on the same page about what you ultimately want out of the relationship and what the end goal is. You don't have to talk about marriage per se, but ask her what she wants out of life and where she sees herself in 5 years etc. Try and gauge her answers. Enjoy the months before her trip, and make concrete plans prior to her departure for when you will see each other and how/how often you two will communicate. Best of luck to you.
Recommended Posts