kro88 Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Me and my boyfriend of 3 and a bit years broke up a couple of weeks ago, we lived together and he moved out. We had our problems as all couples do but nothing major and overall (I thought) we were really happy, still had lots of passion and chemistry, had loads of fun together and were like best friends. It was literally about a week before he ended it that he was talking about the future and asking me about marriage etc! Telling me how he couldn't imagine not being with me and how supportive I was etc. This all literally changed in the space of a week and I think I know why. He had some unexpected major problems crop up at work (I'm now thinking maybe they weren't so unexpected and he'd been worrying about it for months and not told me) - which basciallly may entail the company going under and him losing his job. He values his job more than anything and has worked really hard to get where he is - but because his job is experience rather than qualifications based it means he'd be taking a huge salary hit. None of this bothers me, I'm a student so I'm virtually pennyless and I've never looked at income as a determining factor when choosing men! But obviously I was heartbroken for him because it means a lot to him, as does male ego and not being able to 'provide' etc. I told him that I'd support him and still love him no matter how much he earned and that he'd find something else soon enough - gave him loads of support and lots of motivational speeches. Now I was also going through a crucial time in my life with university finals, he's never really given me the same level of support as I've given him because he claims he doesn't understand what I do - I don't understand what he does but I still care because it's important to him! Anyway he had to travel to another city to sort things out with work the weekend before we broke up. I actually think he just went on a massive bender with some friends - which I wouldn't have objected to because I was busy anyway but he literally left and didn't contact me at all all weekend which is very unlike him. I'm not needy I don't need hourly updates but considering I thought he was staying for one night on a work meeting and he left all weekend without even texting to say I'm staying another night I was really worried and had the stress of finals. He came back and looked majorely hungover and no word of an explanation or apology. I was extremely angry that he'd been so selfish when I'd had major exams literally days away and shocked more than anything at his sudden change of character. He was totally standoffish, didn't want to discuss anything so we had a huge argument and he said he couldn't deal with this at the moment and he was moving out. Because I'm stubborn I said something along the lines of 'fine I'm not going to beg someone to stay who clearly doesn't give two ****s about me'....and that was that. He moved out 2 weeks ago and I'm absolutely heartbroken and just baffled because I've got no explanation and no closure. I've avoided texting him because we left on bad terms and I know the worst thing you can do after a break up is look needy/desperate...it's better that I leave him to sort his head out and actually give him chance to miss me. But I've heard NOTHING from him and I feel so lost. I really saw a future with him and I'm not one to fall in love easily it takes me a long time to let my guard down and I just don't get happened. I can only assume that he's having some kind of breakdown with his job and maybe he's ashamed that he's lost power in the relationship or something so he can't face it. He's very materialistic and very proud so this sort of thing will have hit him hard but I was nothing but supportive and I've never given him any reason to think I was in love with his money - he was skint when I met him! The only thing I've heard from him is him texting one of my male friends telling him we'd broken up and he was gutted. That's it! ...Should I text him? Or wait to hear from him? Or...should I not want to get back together if this is how he handles stress!? Surely the next big thing to come along he's just going to bail and run away from his responsbilities. I've lost tons of respect for him, not for losing his job (or potentially losing his job - don't know what's happened there) - but for running away like a child..and not trusting me to be there for him. There's also some niggly part of me that wonders if he cheated on me that weekend. Simply because he was like a different person when he got back. Finally...I know this is wrong but his post is still coming through to the house and I've opened some of it (I know I know!)...ALL of it has been payments bouncing, denied credit card applications, letters from collections agencies and a freeze on his accounts. I knew he had some debt...but this doesn't look good. Advice much appreciated! Sorry for the long post.
PegNosePete Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Or...should I not want to get back together if this is how he handles stress!? Surely the next big thing to come along he's just going to bail and run away from his responsbilities. I've lost tons of respect for him, not for losing his job (or potentially losing his job - don't know what's happened there) - but for running away like a child..and not trusting me to be there for him. Well I think you've solved your own problem there. You are right. He disrespected you completely by disappearing for the weekend with no warning and making you worry. He bailed and ran away instead of talking through his issues. He is not husband material and he has no trust in you. There's also some niggly part of me that wonders if he cheated on me that weekend. Simply because he was like a different person when he got back. Well yes i would not count it out. He seems to have acted totally irrationally since getting back. They may be the actions of a guilty conscience. Finally...I know this is wrong but his post is still coming through to the house and I've opened some of it (I know I know!)...ALL of it has been payments bouncing, denied credit card applications, letters from collections agencies and a freeze on his accounts. I knew he had some debt...but this doesn't look good. Again it seems he was not being fully honest with you. So I would advise that you stay broken up. It seems that you were taking the relationship much more seriously than he was. He sounds immature.
Author kro88 Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 Thanks for the rely. I know you're right I think more than anything I just want some closure. I feel like I totally wasted 3 years with him and it's really knocked my confidence because I did trust him and totally didn't expect this from him. I should add that he's ten years older than me which is why I'm so angry because at the very least I'd like him to act MY age let alone his.... I think I just need to focus on staying angry rather than upset and focus on my self and that (fingers crossed) I've got a good degree result on the way and he's got heaps of debt and probably no job. I think its the lack of respect and complete selfishness that's thrown me more than the breakup itself and that I always thought if the relationship came to an end we were good enough friends if nothing else to not just run away. I'm fine during the day when I'm at work but its my days off and going back to the house that we lived in together on a night that cut and I just keep going over it in my head.
PegNosePete Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Yep focus on yourself and your happiness. Make new friends, start new hobbies, eat well, get fit, redecorate the house, etc. Don't pin "closure" on anything he may or may not say or do. Because most likely he will not do what you want/expect. Closure does not come from him, it comes from within yourself. It comes when you let go of the past and look to your future. And it sounds like you can have a great future with someone who deserves and respects you. There are plenty of guys out there but it seems he was not one of them.
kaycstamper Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Count yourself lucky that it happened now before marrying, otherwise it could be you getting stuck with his bills and possibly a couple of kids to raise by yourself. He doesn't support you in what you do not because he doesn't understand it but because he's self-centered and doesn't care. To him, it's all about "him". Focus on yourself, what makes you happy, look at it as time to focus on your schooling and career, invest more in your friendships and things you enjoy. I know it hurts like the dickens right now but in time that will lessen.
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