melenkurion Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 The story of my relationship/breakup is here, I think it is somewhat relevant to what is going on with my friend. About six months ago, I found out that my "husband" was cheating (N.B, I am a gay guy in a civil partnership). When I confronted him over this, he left me and entered into a relationship with that other guy. Once I got over the shock, I started to realise that my ex didn't treat me that well. By the end, I couldn't do anything right: he used to get annoyed that I breathed too loudly. He didn't contribute at all financially, he spent all his salary on stuff he liked. The point is that I let him do this. Initially I was happy to, because I was sooooo in lurrrrve, but as the infatuation wore off I started to resent it. Anyhow, I realise now that I never really called him on it. I (almost) never raised the financial stuff, and I only occasionally talked to him about the snapping and the criticism. Sometimes if he was in a good mood, he said he'd try and cut it down. More usually he said "sorry, that's just how I am, you shouldn't take it personally". It was a bit of a vicious circle: to be able to confront him about the criticism and the sniping I needed to be feeling good about myself, but that behaviour eroded my self-esteem. Anyway, that is over now. What really worries me is despite the fact that I know that a lot of what went on in my dealings with my ex was not healthy, I am repeating the pattern with a friend. After the breakup, I threw myself into all sorts of projects, including a drama group. I became close to someone there, and we started spending a lot of time together. Initially I was really pleased to be making a close friend. He is good-looking and rather charming, and that somewhat turned my head a little. However, he's a bit of a user financially. He is always getting people to buy him drinks, pay for him to do stuff, cook him dinner. All of it. It got into a habit that if we had a night out, he'd stay in my spare room. About a month ago, that dragged on so that he ended up staying there a whole week, and he didn't go into work. I asked him to leave, and he did go, reluctantly. Now, whenever I see him, I am constantly trying to prevent him coming back to my place. It's getting stressful, and quite honestly it is hampering my recovery from my ex. I can see that I am being totally, ridiculously stupid, but I can't seem to be able to deal with it. On Friday he just turned up, uninvited. He's been there ever since. I know what I need to do, of course I do. I find this stuff so hard. I'm a soft touch and he knows it. TBH, I don't even know why he wants to stay at mine, he has a place to live with his brother. I am guessing if he is with me, he doesn't get grief about going to work, finding a job, stuff like that (he worked for his brother until his time-keeping screwed that up). I'm going to ask him to leave tonight. I am totally dreading it. It's making it pretty obvious that I have some kind of co-dependency thing going on, and I am terrible at saying "no". Somehow, I really need to sort that out. I am seeing a counsellor about the breakup (it hit me very hard), but a few of the more recent sessions have been about this stuff. It's a more exaggerated version of my relationship, I can see that clearly. Not sure what I want from LS, but I thought it helpful to get this written down. I know I am weak, and I know what I need to do.
Mcnulty Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 He doesn't sound like much of a friend does he? Did you befriend him because you were feeling low or because you half hoped it may lead to something romantic? Time to be assertive, tell him you're no doormat. It's good that you are aware of the traits in your personality that you need to change...good luck.
Author melenkurion Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 Did you befriend him because you were feeling low or because you half hoped it may lead to something romantic? Both, I'd say. Mostly the feeling low, although allowing myself romantic thoughts was a welcome distraction from the sad feelings. And the freeloading didn't kick in initially, he just seemed fun to be around at first. He's gone. It didn't go brilliantly. He was quite meek at first while he was sorting out his stuff to go, but then tried to claim his brother had told him not to go back to his place. Possibly true, I dunno. Unfortunately, I didn't handle that comeback maturely and stand my ground, I just yelled at him that it was driving me insane. Not great. but he's gone. I don't feel "powerful" about it. I think we were bad for each other. I never gave him much feedback that his behaviour was not OK until I was chucking him out and yelling at him. Oh well :-/
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