city Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Hey y'all. I usually lurk around before I post on forums but I just gotta get this crap out. Ok, so. I have a few problems. The first of them is I'm in the process of divorcing. My final hearing was yesterday, so I think I should find out today the outcome. It was uncontested so I know it's through; I'm literally just aching to hear those words, "Divorce Granted." My problem is that yesterday my ex contacted me about an ongoing issue with a piece of property that has been a point of contention throughout our marriage, and the fact that he's been such a supreme prick about it continues to frustrate me to the point of tears. There are a novel's worth of details about it, so I won't bother to describe. In the course of the conversation, he said we should have just stayed married because then I could have gotten a Master's degree for free. I can't tell you how furious and hurt and just freakin'...broken this man makes me feel every time I communicate with him. He just puts on this victim persona but projects it on to me, thus making me seem like a supreme jerk for the choices I've made. Then he said that we're both doing better apart which is very very true, but I don't really care about how he's doing and I don't really think how I'm doing is any of his business. I told him not to contact me anymore unless he needed a piece of real information like a phone number, but doing so didn't really make me feel any better about this interaction. My other problem is that I have started carrying on with a man who I've loved dearly for quite a long time, since before I ever got with my ex. This isn't a problem in itself clearly, because he's the only one who's ever made me feel completely safe. At this moment it's hard for me to reconcile the fact that I love him with the fact that I'm still emotionally broken. I thought I was okay, but after today I realize I am not. This problem leads into my over-arching problem of always being the emotionally strong one. Guys love me for my energy, then they love me for it but the interactions always become strained because they can't have me. Some women just hate me outright because I'm happy all the time. Even in my relationship with my mom, I'm the strong one. My brothers have autism, so they can hardly relate to me. In my marriage I was the secure one keeping us together, because he sure didn't do love. In my romance with the guy I've known since we were kids, I've had to make most of the first moves because he's so dang shy with women. So...I don't know how to deal with this right now. I can't prop people up for awhile. This is new for me. I feel a tiny bit better having written this though. I just reread this, and I don't even have the capacity to fix the grammar. Ugghhh....
betterdeal Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Sounds quite a difficult period in your life. Two themes come to my mind: First, you said you feel completely safe with this other guy. Safe from what? Second is that you feel the need to be X Y or Z for other people - strong for you mother, emotionally giving with your ex, emotionally giving with your present lover. Why do you feel the need to be a giver all the time? This sounds to me like you're feeling overwhelmed with the responsibilities you take on regards other people, and at the same time you feel the need for someone else to take care of you. Is that right?
Author city Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 (edited) He makes me feel emotionally and physically safe. He's never been disrespectful to me, and I don't think my ex even ever managed that. As far as being emotionally giving all the time, it just seems to happen. I have a deep-seated perkiness, and people usually can't deal the rare times I feel quiet or have a serious issue. I've tried to bring up things with my mother, and she always bursts out in tears or makes it an issue about her. I also apparently make people comfortable, so they confide in me and ask me for advice all the time. And yes, I feel quite overwhelmed. My current romance less so falls under this mode of behavior, I guess. He patiently interrogates me and kind of chastised me once for being mysterious about things sometimes. He's done very specific things to gain my trust and confidence, almost to the point of him saying outright that I can trust him. I just don't want to put leftover marriage crap on him, and I think he's also patiently waiting for me to not be an emotional wasteland. Edited May 11, 2011 by city To add words
betterdeal Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Do you feel emotionally and physically unsafe on your own or with other people? Your relationship with your mother sounds frustrating - you can't complain because she'll get very upset, and you don't like to hurt people. Sometimes we need to complain, especially to our parents. So you appear to have learnt to be a people pleaser, probably stemming from that relationship. But now that everyone sees you as happy and giving, you find it hard to let them know you are unhappy and overwhelmed, that you need care and attention. Perhaps you also fear their responses will be equally as upsetting as your mother's are to you saying things you want to say. I suggest you take care of yourself more. You've had a hard time and have been giving more than you receive, and that creates a deficit. Are you eating, sleeping, exercising well?
betterdeal Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 I also suggest you treat yourself to something relaxing, like a massage or a facial by a beautician, a haircut, that sort of thing. It can help you to unwind a little by being cared for by someone else for an hour, in a safe place. Also, switch your phone off when you go to bed. Your ex is going to be nasty and aggressive, but that's just like a red-faced toddler trying to get attention. You might feel a little sorry for them, but overall, it's annoying, right? Whatever he says, it's just words designed to hurt you. It's not true. You know you're a good person, and that's what matters.
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