MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 So I don't know who all is following my story but I wanted to share that I came home again from work today crying..literally yelling out (ex's name) I miss you!!! and crying.... I wrote his best friend today. here is why I did not write to him so that he could tell my ex anything...i even asked him not to tell my ex but said that of course its his decidion and i wouldnt find out if he told him anyway... i met his best friend once only he lived far away...now hes stationed in korea his BFF is his same bff since grade school...when we met i had a bad exchange with him...we argued over something so stupid..and he has since apologized a few times...why cause he loved his bff (my ex) and he wanted to be friends with me...cause of him but i didnt apologize so here was my time. wrote him a message saying that i am sorry and that i regret not havin had the chance to get to know him and etc i told him that i know what my faults are and that i thank him for being the bigger person at the time i ended it with saying that i wish he wouldnt share this with my ex but again that its his decision and that i wrote this for me and for him and not for my ex to read... i dont want my ex to know cause i dont want him thinking its a desperate attempt to reach out....i really only wanted to tell his friend sorry and i was grateful that he told me happy bday on my bday.... so i hope he wont tell him..what do you guys think? i mean he's 30 we are all adults.... i hope that by my asking him not to share this with my ex he knows that its not for any other motive...i really want this just to be what it was...an apology what do you guys think? stupid decision again?
SlowBlues Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 You're panicking. You already did it so you cannot take it back but do not be messaging his friend like that. What are you hoping to accomplish by doing this? My guess is that you're saying you don't want him to tell your ex that you talked but deep down you think that he will and that somehow this will show your ex that you care. This is not to your benefit. It's not fair to be bringing friends into the mix like that, especially since you say he is stationed in Korea. He's not a part of your life so don't make him one. Again, it sounds like you are panicking right now. Instead of doing silly things like messaging his friend you need to write down what you are feeling. You can post it here if you like or you can keep it to yourself. But the most important thing for you to do right now is try and calm down. There's nothing good that you will get out of doing things like this. You've already done it so you cannot take it back but please learn a lesson from this.
Goatsbreath Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 (edited) No, this wasn't your time to apologize. It had already come and gone when he tried to apologize to you. Now it is what you are fearing he might interpret it to be, a desperate attempt to reach out. If this apology had actually been important to you it would have happened at a time that it could not be con strewed as something else. So yes, it was stupid but.... don't beat yourself up too much! You are hurting obviously, you will do these things and at some time in the future I guarantee you will look back on it and laugh to yourself and go "man, that's kind of embarrassing and stupid of me." but it will be funny. haha, laugh it up but..... get a hold of yourself. Don't reach out to his friends, reach out to yours....oh and to the people here, very helpful folks. Edited May 11, 2011 by Goatsbreath
homebrew Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 (edited) Yes, very dumb decision! You can kiss your Ex goodbye forever! He now thinks your are CRAZY and probably starting to SCARE HIM! Is that the outcome you were looking for? So when your Ex files a restraining order against you.... Will you listen to us then? Or are you going to have to go to jail for that to happen? If you keep this up... You are going to put your entire future at risk! It's going to be hard to get future employment with that on your record. Edited May 11, 2011 by homebrew
JasonRules Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Big time mistake. Why? Because you knew (and wanted) that his BFF would tell your ex you contacted him and that he would relay everything you told him. And of course your ex is not dumb to not know you're trying to reach out to him. You need to get a grip of yourself. If you can't take it, go see a therapist.
geegirl Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 You know you did it because you secretly wanted him to relay it to the ex since you knew that was a door to your ex. This is crazy making behavior. Stop. You're only reinforcing everything he thought about you. If you expect him to think you have changed, you're not doing a good job at it.
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 No i actually did not want him to tell my ex..on the contrary i wanted anything but that... i dont want to write an additional message to tell him not to tell my ex but that would seem more crazy... lol i dont think anyones getting a restraining order cause although i get your point...there would be no legal bounds to anyway.... but i get it....so what should i do know? i swear i will stop all this madness....i will stop. i will post his reply if he writes one...and i did tell him he doesnt need to.
geegirl Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 No i actually did not want him to tell my ex..on the contrary i wanted anything but that... i dont want to write an additional message to tell him not to tell my ex but that would seem more crazy... lol i dont think anyones getting a restraining order cause although i get your point...there would be no legal bounds to anyway.... but i get it....so what should i do know? i swear i will stop all this madness....i will stop. i will post his reply if he writes one...and i did tell him he doesnt need to. Did you for one second think that even if you honestly didn't want him to tell the ex, that he may or would? So, either way, the ex may know. You keep asking what should you do now? We keep telling you to NC but you keep going back to contact. For the last time. STOP. NC. Mourn and grieve and try to work on yourself. Anything other and you will justify his view of you as being crazy, controlling and insecure.
Goatsbreath Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 :rolleyes Nobody is getting a restraining order for this stupid crap or destroying their future..lol There is a song, love can damage your health or something like that...don't worry, you are just temporary crazy. Don't fret about it, just don't do it again.
homebrew Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 (edited) :rolleyes Nobody is getting a restraining order for this stupid crap or destroying their future..lol There is a song, love can damage your health or something like that...don't worry, you are just temporary crazy. Don't fret about it, just don't do it again. She is just getting warmed up... In a day or two, she will call him and tell him that if he doesn't be with her... She will kill herself. Edited May 11, 2011 by homebrew
JasonRules Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 No i actually did not want him to tell my ex..on the contrary i wanted anything but that... i dont want to write an additional message to tell him not to tell my ex but that would seem more crazy... lol i dont think anyones getting a restraining order cause although i get your point...there would be no legal bounds to anyway.... but i get it....so what should i do know? i swear i will stop all this madness....i will stop. i will post his reply if he writes one...and i did tell him he doesnt need to. I don't understand why do you keep asking us what should you do now, when we've already told you what you need to do multiple times, but you never follow our advice. You always do the opposite of what we tell you. In the end, all you're doing is mentally destroying your own self. Plus your ex will think you've gone off the deep end...
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 She is just getting warmed up... In a day or two, she will call him and tell him that if he doesn't be with her... She will kill herself. fine the craziness stops now.
homebrew Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Plus your ex will think you've gone off the deep end... You... Think? I am pretty sure she has confirmed it at this point. Over / Under on her breaking NC is 12 hours? Place your bets... fine the craziness stops now. I sure do hope so for your own sake... You just need to focus on yourself.
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 She is just getting warmed up... In a day or two, she will call him and tell him that if he doesn't be with her... She will kill herself. lmfao. i would never do that. and i dont call him. havent called him in a loooong time.
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 okay so is the damage done cause i can also write his bff and be like okay now that i had time to process i realize the timing may come across as crazy so i apologize. or just leave it alone? i honestly just wanted to get that off my chest so that when i delete my account i wont feel bad for that.... i really didnt want him to tell my ex...now i feel super stupid and psycho
homebrew Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 (edited) \i really didnt want him to tell my ex...now i feel super stupid and psycho Guy Code: When a GF or Ex of one of your friends contacts you... you are obligated to tell him. You are going to be fine... Most of us get a little "CRAZY" after a break up. So your Ex will cut you some slack... but only so much. He will forget about all this stuff in time... IF YOU GO NC AND LET HIM! And yes... I was being sarcastic in my earlier posts in this thread. I am just trying to scare you so that you see that your behavior is not rational and counter productive. Trust me... Many people have done far worse than you. Edited May 11, 2011 by homebrew
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 Guy Code: When a GF or Ex of one of your friends contacts you... you are obligated to tell him. You are going to be fine... Most of us get a little "CRAZY" after a break up. So your Ex will cut you some slack... but only so much. He will forget about all this stuff in time... IF YOU GO NC AND LET HIM! And yes... I was being sarcastic in my earlier posts in this thread. I am just trying to scare you so that you see that your behavior is not rational and counter productive. Trust me... Many people have done far worse than you. It didnt scare me but it did make me laugh and it did make the point that i am a lunatic and i need to stop. i guess i was just trying to close all the loops so that i can go peacefully but i didnt realize that due to the timing yes it seems like i was up to something else. i reread what i wrote to him and honestly i dont think it can come across as psycho...i dont want to post it here but i can. basically i think that even if he were to read it to my ex my ex would realize its not about him...i literally wrote nothing about my ex besides asking this guy not to share this with him if possible,, the rest was all about this guy anyway i'm done being crazy...the craziness has stopped is my new motto. you guys are right i keep asking about what to do and i do my own thing but enough is enough. i will go strict NC and as a bonus i am leaving town this fri and going to barbados so i wont even have the chance to do crazy things or contact lol and i have no urge to contact my ex i never have ever since first NC it was just on sunday where i wanted to say one final thing but now i get it i did it and its over i know its over and its okay
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 Okay so the update is....his best friend didn't reply....now I know that it could be that he hasn't received it yet, he doesn't want to reply, he called my ex and they thought i was nuts, etc. point being it does bother me a bit but i also dont care all that much. because i wrote it for me not for a reply. i didnt ask anything or leave any loops open so the message i wrote even indicated that a reply isnt needed. okay so i haven't done anything crazy today i realize how i keep invading my ex's inner circle and that it's not good. i AM pushing him further away i get that I'm just so sad and literally like freaking devistated now, cause i realize that HE DOES NOT WANT TO BE WITH ME and i'm scared. Scared cause he had not ever beenin a serious rel before and he had never lived with someone before and i think i made him NOT want that. he probably doesn't want to share his life with someone like that again he wants freedom and the way i treated him and wa sin our rel. i basically made him realize that IF you live with me and have a rel, with me you have to LOSE yourself and LOSE all that you want to do. I don't know how to show him that i realize how messed up that was. And i cant show him cause he doesnt want me to he doesn't want to give me a second chance he's too scared, he doesnt think i will change, he thinks thats just who i am and Im so so so so so sad. I don't know what else to do I have scheduled appts with a christian counselor, a therapist, and another similar type thing cause i do want to fix this part of me and i know why i did all that...i know. it was cause had this intense fear that he owuld leave me b/c of my previous rel. my fiance (was iwth him for 5 yrs and engaged for 2) left me right before the wedding cause he got GIGS and he wante dto be single...and he partied...and hooke dup with so many girls and literally went out with them to the places we both went to and I would see him that pain stayed with me and i took it out on my current ex i thought that if i was always in control (told him what to do, was "man" of house, made sure he knew he was lucky to be with me) that i wouldn't get hurt i would have nightmares of him leaving me and he would get upset like wtf why ar eyou dreaming that and now he left me...i drove him to leave me and now instead of being this strong professional dream girl he sees me as a weak desperate psycho loser i think theres no hope i keep thinking of all he said like maybe in 3 months or 6 months or a yr from now we can see...but i thik he only said that to lessen the blow i cant do anything anymore now just work on myself and wait...wait for him to maybe reconsider...and that wont even happen cause i ruined the idea of living with me nd being with me in his eyes....he broke loose like a dude out of jail.
heIIokitty Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 try to be strong, i know how crappy it feels right now and what your going through but trust us when we say with time it gets better... If this makes you feel any better, i did something that was A LOT worse than what you did just now. My ex dumped me over a phone call (hes 22, and im 21. what a coward).. so for the next 3 weeks after that, i spammed texted him and literally felt like my heart was shattered into million pieces and one day, i couldn't take it anymore. i "thought" i needed closure so i decided to talk to him in person. It was like 4 am and i drove up to his house and knocked on his window since he was ignoring my calls (lol, NOW i sound lunatic ). We talked and honestly, it got me NO-WHERE! He was acted like nothing happened and when i asked him questions, he just avoid it... Now, looking back, im horribly ashamed of my actions lol. its been around 4 months after break-up and now, all i can say is that all those crazy urges are all gone... so my point is, it might seem that its impossible right now to move on (b/c i felt that way) but after a period of time and self healing,... im alot better and i dont want him anymore.
Goatsbreath Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Don't write a second letter please explaining what the first letter was unless you want to be more crazy. It's multiplying here OK...don't do it.
muzik_lvr Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Yes, please take the advice of people on here and continue with NC from this point on. Though the pain is seemingly unbearable right now, time really does heal wounds. You may think you are the only one feeling the pain that you are feeling, but this is something that largely everyone experiences. Think about it this way...billions of people in the history of the world have gone through a relational heartbreak of some sort. You will get through this! It is time for you to begin healing and truly moving forward. You will look back and be thankful for the things you learned from this. Come on here and vent when you feel the need to, but continue NC and begin truly moving on!
muzik_lvr Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Also, something else I noticed that made it more difficult for me early on in my breakup was that I only focused my thoughts on the good things of the relationship. I never actually stopped to think of the negative things that happened in the relationship and actually thought realistically if this was even something I should want to continue pursuing. After thinking hard on it, I realized that I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who wouldn't love me unconditionally and who could just up and leave at any point in the marriage when things got difficult. That would be miserable! So, though there is pain from time to time of the rejection of being dumped, I know now that this happened for the best. Try to focus your thoughts on not just the positive aspects of the relationship, but also the negative aspects as well, and take an overall realistic look at the relationship.
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 12, 2011 Author Posted May 12, 2011 try to be strong, i know how crappy it feels right now and what your going through but trust us when we say with time it gets better... If this makes you feel any better, i did something that was A LOT worse than what you did just now. My ex dumped me over a phone call (hes 22, and im 21. what a coward).. so for the next 3 weeks after that, i spammed texted him and literally felt like my heart was shattered into million pieces and one day, i couldn't take it anymore. i "thought" i needed closure so i decided to talk to him in person. It was like 4 am and i drove up to his house and knocked on his window since he was ignoring my calls (lol, NOW i sound lunatic ). We talked and honestly, it got me NO-WHERE! He was acted like nothing happened and when i asked him questions, he just avoid it... Now, looking back, im horribly ashamed of my actions lol. its been around 4 months after break-up and now, all i can say is that all those crazy urges are all gone... so my point is, it might seem that its impossible right now to move on (b/c i felt that way) but after a period of time and self healing,... im alot better and i dont want him anymore. i wish i could fast forward to that time
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 12, 2011 Author Posted May 12, 2011 Also, something else I noticed that made it more difficult for me early on in my breakup was that I only focused my thoughts on the good things of the relationship. I never actually stopped to think of the negative things that happened in the relationship and actually thought realistically if this was even something I should want to continue pursuing. After thinking hard on it, I realized that I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who wouldn't love me unconditionally and who could just up and leave at any point in the marriage when things got difficult. That would be miserable! So, though there is pain from time to time of the rejection of being dumped, I know now that this happened for the best. Try to focus your thoughts on not just the positive aspects of the relationship, but also the negative aspects as well, and take an overall realistic look at the relationship. I do agree with this and yes i think of the good and i'm sad and i think of the bad and i feel guilty... i cant believe he left me i still cant actually believe it but he did. he walked out on me and he felt that he would be better off and i bet he is
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 12, 2011 Author Posted May 12, 2011 My ex's mom called. remember i was thinking all kinds of things b/c i had sent her a mothers day card and she didnt respond.. well my friends and everyone thought it was cause she got the card, called him and he told her not to reply.. well she barely got the card today said she just read it, cried, and called me. the card was a mother's day card where i let her know that i really wanted to be a part of her family and i am grateful for the time that i did get to spend with her. i told her that i appreciated how good she was to me and my mother and how she's an amazing woman who deserves all of God's blessings. I wrapped it up with telling her that I will never forget her. I sent the card as a goodbye...b/c i wanted to wrap up the loops. I wouldn't feel comfortable with just never talking to her again. my ex and i lived as though we had the intent of marriage...she called me her daughter in law and we're older 30, 31 so it was seen as we were headed toward something serious. when she called me she said that she loves me and misses me and she hopes that i dont plan on losing contact. she said she wants me to call her whenever i want and that she would like to think she can call me whenever as well. she said that this was all not her decision or this would all be different. and then she said she loves me and we hung up. it made me feel good. it made me feel sad b/c i miss my ex and i loved his family and i lose them too now with all this but it made me feel good cause the connection i made with his mom was real and its aside from my relationship with him i will always love that woman. i know that his mother tried at first when he first broke up with me she tried to change his mind and he very quickly and firmly told her to butt out. he told me that she told him he was making a mistake and he said this is his decision. so she never brought it up again i know they arent close enough for her to ever mention this and i know she wont even tell him about the card. which is good. the card was for her not for him. they arent that close. he always felt like his parents were disappointed in him and i am sure he knows that they are not okay with this decision. they also dont know how i treated him thought...well unless he told them i know he is lost so lost and i wish i just knew if he was using this time to find himself and fix his mistakes or if he's just okay with being single and living his life i'm sad cause i miss him i cried today when i got home again i am going to do a shaman healing session tomorrow
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