robsmith Posted April 11, 2004 Posted April 11, 2004 I'm going through a weekend of hell. I'm a 36 year old male professional, obsessed with a woman that works for the same company as I do. We don't see each other often, but whenever I do see her I fall to pieces inside. We were good friends just a couple years ago. She was going through rough times in her life, including a divorce. I was "there for her". I was the guy she talked to about it, although I don't think that I'm the only person she was talking to about it. To me, she was someone I confided in and someone who confided in me. I later learned that I wasn't the only one for her. Bottom line is I felt that there was chemistry, and for about a year I thought she felt it too. ...and then she pretty much stopped contacting me. She was still married at the time, although knew it was over and was pursuing a divorce. I kept away from professing my feelings for her because she was married. I felt it was wrong to pressure her into even thinking about dating me while she was still married. All I did at the time was try to help her through it. The further i'd gone with that was to tell her that I was her friend and that if she ever did become single then I would appreciate being on her top list of men to pursue. She once told me I was first in line. When she stopped contacting me, she did tell me that she was in a bad place and was just shutting everyone else out of her life until she got through it. I, of course, trusted that and gave her that space. I checked in with her every once in a while to see how she was doing (once in a while being every couple of months). Those conversations got as far as her saying she's done with the marriage but she's not ready to see other people because she wants to be single for a while (she'd been with the same guy for her entire adult life). I, again, respected that and stayed away. Then...two Christmas's ago, at a company function she was not at, a co-worker was trying to think of women to set me up with. She said "hey how about Keli? Oh, wait, she's got that boyfriend". I nearly dropped to the floor! When I got to work the next day I sent her an email saying "I now know about your boyfriend. I think it's a good thing - you need to experience new things and I'm glad that you've found someone to do that with. Just remember that I'm still here for you as a shoulder to cry on if you need it." She sent a thank you, saying that she will always consider me a friend. Typical b.s. - obviously she was being careful with what she said. She still kept her distance, which is what I expected, because she was now with this other guy and had no use for me. Keep in mind - she was still married. I left her alone for several months. Eventually we got onto a work project together and started having contact with each other again only because of the project. At one point, I sent her an email about work things and added at the end "so how are YOU doing???" She responded she's happy to be finally divorced and getting on with her life. I told her I thought that was great and wished her good luck and all the happiness in the world. Throughout this entire time, I constantly longed to be with her. I thought, and apparently still do, that there was great chemistry between us and that I would love to share a romantic relationship with her. Whenever I think of romantic situations, be it just walking hand-in-hand, sharing a smile, sex, phone calls, cuddling, pictures on my desk, etc., it's all about her. She's in all of them - in my mind. I don't see her very often at work, and in fact make sure to avoid her if at all possible. I don't think she knows of my internal obsession with her. I think that is because, as I've figured out through all of this, that she's very self-centered and never really considered my feelings in the first place. Sorry to go on so long but i AM getting to a point! This past Friday I found out that the previous weekend she'd gotten married. I found out because I noticed a fresh new last name on an invitation to a baby shower this coming week. The shower is for two mutual co-workers, a husband and wife, and it's in the building I work in. She'll be travelling from her location. Up to this point I was planning to go and was mentally prepared to have to see her and felt I would be fine with it. But now, suddenly, after finding out she got married, I am totally overcome with my obsession for her again. Every thought, again, is about her. I went with my brother to see the movie Hellboy last night, mainly to occupy my mind. The actress Selma Blair in the movie looks VERY much like the object of my obsession, so of course I thought of her the whole time. I barely even remember the movie other than how beautiful Selma looked and how much she reminded me of her. When I found out she'd gotten married, I sent her an email. I wrote no subject, and the only thing in the message was "Congratulations...". I'm assuming she was away all week and hasn't even seen that email. So now I've set myself up for more misery tomorrow morning when she sees it and responds with the usual "Thanks!" that shows absolutely no consideration for my feelings. So now I'm laying here in bed on Sunday morning, totally afraid to go to work tomorrow and especially Tuesday when the shower is. I blocked Tuesday off in my calendar, said I'll be working from home that day and can't make the shower. I do want to go, because these are two friends of mine, but I just don't know how I can face her. I know that people will be cowering over her beautiful ring and how great her new marriage is and just how wonderful her life is. All I will see is her complete lack of consideration for my feelings. She will be fawning over it with everyone else while I cry inside. At this point I can't face it, so I'm not going to show up...but I am really trying to muster up the strength to do it. Here, finally, is my question to all of you: how, exactly, can I stop the obsessive thoughts about her? I know she's wrong for me, she's happy with someone else, doesn't give a damn about me. I ask myself why I would even be interested in someone who has no feelings for me. The best answer I can come up with is "I Don't Know". I really don't know how it is that someone who appears to have a very selfish way of dealing with people could be the least bit attractive to me. But she is. So, I know she's not available, she never will be, and even if she were divorced again tomorrow, she would not come looking for me. How can I make my mind accept all that and stop letting it bother me so much?? Please try to answer me in the respect that I understand that it's all in my head. I am not a dangerous person and I really wish her no ill will. That's another thing that bothers me - I really feel that I want her to be happy, because she's had a difficult past, so why can't I just be happy that she's happy? Ok I'm going to stop typing now. Hopefully you can provide me with some constructive feedback and recommendations - not just "get over it" or "stop thinking about it". Well, duh! That's why I'm asking...because I just don't know how to do that. Thanks for reading, and thanks in advance for any help you can provide! Obsessed with a co-worker in NJ...ugh.
krbshappy71 Posted April 11, 2004 Posted April 11, 2004 Just a thought, have you considered surfing through personals? Sometimes seeing all the available people out there, wanting someone to be with such as yourself, helps to realize that this person is not the only option. Although I took a break from dating for three years, I would surf the personals and see all the potential possiblities. I would realize that the one I broke up with (an engagement at that!) was not the only one out there.....and come to think of it he wasn't "all that" either! Then....slowly, curiousity would get the best of me and I would email people here and there, just to see where it went. Had a few simple dates, nothing serious, just to get my mind off him. It did work, actually, its worth a try for you. How sad for her, it sounds like she is afraid to be alone if she is married already so soon after the divorce. You certainly don't want her rebound affection. (even if your brain is screaming, YES I DO!) At the most, I suspect she would use you and throw you out when she was done. ICK. And if you think everyone will be fawning over her new marriage/ring/etc. just remember they are probably thinking the same thing I just wrote. And if you are a good guy, and these are your friends, they will be thanking the stars you didn't end up with her. Going to the movie was a great start. (although it felt like it backfired on you) Getting out is really important, you don't want her to hear back that you have crawled into a cave and died because she got married. I would stop emailing her, it only shows your longing for her, don't give her that self-esteem boost, she doesn't deserve it. Any attention like that is just self-defeating. Hugs and I hope this has helped in any way possible. HANG IN THERE!! There are LOTS of people out there, and yes I got tired of people telling me that too. HAA!!
krbshappy71 Posted April 11, 2004 Posted April 11, 2004 P.S. ever live in CA? I used to know a guy named Rob Smith and he was a very caring, sensitive, guy. The name is a pretty common one but thought I'd ask anyhow.
Author robsmith Posted April 11, 2004 Author Posted April 11, 2004 Thank you so much krbshappy71 for the wonderful response! Actually Rob Smith is a fake name i use on the 'net alot - a really good way to help prevent spam is by not giving out your real name or email address...plus the last thing I need is someone I work with to see my posting on here and know it's me... To your points: I appreciate your creative ideas on how to get by this. I have tried the internet personals things and have had lots of dates from it. Nothing has worked out yet but I've still got my fingers crossed and I'll keep trying. I think right now it's just the initial shock since I only found out two days ago - everything I see reminds me of her, that'll wear off in time. Regarding the rebound situation - there was actually one guy before this current one that I would call the "rebound" guy. I think he was a short-timer until this guy came along. I guess she used him up and spit him out. With her new husband, I think they've been together for over a year now, so I don't think that qualifies as rebound anymore. I would think they'd have figured that out before getting married. I do have a suspicion that it might be a "shotgun wedding" though - I have a funny feeling the next thing I find out is going to be about their upcoming baby. Thanks again for the helpful response. It's very good to know that other people can understand and identify in some way. I don't expect anybody to have the magical cure, but these messages are a help. "Rob Smith" ;-)
Karlise Posted April 11, 2004 Posted April 11, 2004 Rob Sounds tough, what you're going through. At least you recognize this as 'obsession' and not 'love'. Obsession can happen when something is missing from our lives and we find someone who, for the time being, seems to fill that space. It's easy to conjure up romantic, magical "what-if" fantasies when the object of our affections never actually becomes available. This can spiral out of control. Our longing gets ever more intense and the few 'bones' she does throw you just add fuel to the fire. Some good excercises for you would be to: (A) Delete any contact information you have for her (B) Don't ask about her, don't bring her up in conversation © If she should contact you, say "I'm sorry, I'm right in the middle of something" and end the conversation. Do not be available to her. (D) Start dating with a vegeance (E) Fill your life with meaningful activities. Do not sit around thinking about her. If you can't sleep, then get up and do something, even if means you'll be exhausted at work the next day. Good luck
Author robsmith Posted April 11, 2004 Author Posted April 11, 2004 Karlise - thank you for the thoughtful suggestions. I think all are do-able, except that they are made more difficult by the fact that I work with her. Makes it impossible to completely avoid her. Even when she's not around, I work even closer with her friends and they talk about her. At this point I'm just really feeling the blahs. I am trying to pinpoint exactly what is hurting me about the situation. I can't understand how I am feeling so badly about a person that treated me well for a short period of time and then dropped me like a bad habit. Why would I even want to have anything to do with a person like that? I just wish I had good answers to those questions, because I'm finding that I'm not able to control the grief. I just feel like going to sleep and waking up months from now when I feel better about this. The next two days will be especially difficult at work since I will have at least one encounter with her. I think that after that I can safely keep my distance until summertime when softball season kicks in. She plays softball with a bunch of my friends. I don't play and I don't watch, just because she's there. That also makes it tough to keep my distance. One thing that I'm hoping to get into my mind is the fact that she is now, in fact, married again. She is officially off the market. Maybe that will allow me to get some closure on it and treat her as I would any other married woman. She wouldn't be "in my radar" because she's no longer available. I am trying to concentrate on it that way as it may help me get through. In the meantime, I've spent much of today searching the job listings websites for new employment just in case I can't deal with this long term. This is a huge problem for me as I am highly paid and don't think that I can get such good payment elsewhere. But I'm putting the feelers out there just in case. Thanks again for your help and advice. I will keep you posted on how things turn out! "Rob Smith" in NJ
Believer69 Posted April 12, 2004 Posted April 12, 2004 Ok Rob, I know I am down on men a lot, but you know what, women can be just as insensitive. She wasnt thing of you and your feelings during her time of need... You seem like a caring person, and I was in the same situation when I was going through hard time during my (late) marriage, however I didnt relay on a friendship with a man, it was my girlfriends that got me through it, and I couldnt have done it with out them...so you know Rob, Thank you. You were there for her and it meant a lot. Mabie she didnt tell you that but I am. You probably saved my life, all you did for me, and listen to me when I was so upset. I never realized what I was putting my friends through at that time in my life, and I do realize it now. I was selfish, and that was never my intention. Probably the case for her too, understand? Now its your turn, go out and find someone as wonderful and caring as yourself, for me?? Well not for me, for you. It sounds like you are hurt in part because you want to know why couldn't it have been you, right? You will get over the hurt, we all do, and you know that, you sound like an intelligent person. As for working with her, thats gotta hurt, but you know what, tell yourself that you deserve better, and thank her for knowing that she wasnt it. OK??
Author robsmith Posted April 12, 2004 Author Posted April 12, 2004 Hi Believer69 - you have it nailed. Thanks for the kind words and the understanding. That is really exactly what I think I'd need from her but I know I'll never get it. Your saying it at least shows me that someone else can identify, and I'm glad that I could help you to realize the impact that your reliance on those that love you can have. They deserve to be thanked for their caring. Hopefully you've told your friends that. I just feel slapped in the face because I was never told that, and instead was just pushed aside only to have it consistently rubbed in my face how wonderful her life is without me. Thanks again for your warmth... "Rob" Originally posted by Believer69 Ok Rob, I know I am down on men a lot, but you know what, women can be just as insensitive. She wasnt thing of you and your feelings during her time of need... You seem like a caring person, and I was in the same situation when I was going through hard time during my (late) marriage, however I didnt relay on a friendship with a man, it was my girlfriends that got me through it, and I couldnt have done it with out them...so you know Rob, Thank you. You were there for her and it meant a lot. Mabie she didnt tell you that but I am. You probably saved my life, all you did for me, and listen to me when I was so upset. I never realized what I was putting my friends through at that time in my life, and I do realize it now. I was selfish, and that was never my intention. Probably the case for her too, understand? Now its your turn, go out and find someone as wonderful and caring as yourself, for me?? Well not for me, for you. It sounds like you are hurt in part because you want to know why couldn't it have been you, right? You will get over the hurt, we all do, and you know that, you sound like an intelligent person. As for working with her, thats gotta hurt, but you know what, tell yourself that you deserve better, and thank her for knowing that she wasnt it. OK??
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