tangerinetrees Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Hi all, My husband and I separated six months ago. We have a 5 year old son together and have been married for 6 years. There were a lot of reasons for the split. He has some psychological issues that he refused to get help for. Like actual diagnoses and prescribed medication that he refused to take. That was number one for me. Also, he couldn't keep a job due to the psych stuff. Anyway, it was a pretty mutual split because he wasn't happy with me either. I pretty much checked out for the last year of our relationship because we were just miserable whenever we spent any time together. So I just stayed out of the house as much as possible. A lot has changed in the last 6 months. I moved with our son about an hour and a half away to pursue my education and he has since gotten a pretty good job and seems to me so much more stable. We have been friendly to each other lately and had sex the other day. Now we've been texting and talking on the phone everyday and I'm feeling so much for him again. I haven't ever stopped loving him, but he openly admits that he has changed some, but still has a lot of issues that he wants to take care of. Should I just ignore these feelings and wait and see how things are in another 6 months, or should we continue spending time together? I don't want to include our son in any of this, because I don't want him to get his hopes up when I have no clue how this could turn out. Is it weird to just 'date' each other again and see what happens? Has anyone found it possible to forgive and let go after such a nasty breakup and then continue with a successful relationship? Advice, please!!
Mauschen Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 I've heard of this happening before. Why not date and see how things work out? I don't see any harm in that. I would suggest being clear on where you stand with the psych issues though - that taking meds is a MUST.
Author tangerinetrees Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 Has anyone else out there been able to forgive and let go of all the negativity that ended a relationship and begin again together? That's the larger issue for me here. Neither of us cheated or anything like that, but we both said terrible things, then after we were broken up, we both saw other people and definitely threw that in each other's faces. He started dating a girl 2 weeks after we separated! So, I guess again...has anyone been able to let go of all that and try again from scratch? If so, how did you go about it? Did you have a conversation to clear the air or did you just decide that the past is the past and that's where it will stay and move on. It just seems so much easier said than done and I'm feeling so lost. I don't want to open myself up to all that horrible pain again, but I'm afraid that if I don't, I will always wonder if we could have worked it out. UGH!! How does ANYONE go thru this and stay sane?!?!?!
russt Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Has anyone else out there been able to forgive and let go of all the negativity that ended a relationship and begin again together? That's the larger issue for me here. Neither of us cheated or anything like that, but we both said terrible things, then after we were broken up, we both saw other people and definitely threw that in each other's faces. He started dating a girl 2 weeks after we separated! So, I guess again...has anyone been able to let go of all that and try again from scratch? If so, how did you go about it? Did you have a conversation to clear the air or did you just decide that the past is the past and that's where it will stay and move on. It just seems so much easier said than done and I'm feeling so lost. I don't want to open myself up to all that horrible pain again, but I'm afraid that if I don't, I will always wonder if we could have worked it out. UGH!! How does ANYONE go thru this and stay sane?!?!?! Well here is a scenario not far from your situation but I don't know if the end result will be the same but as to has anyone left a negative relationship, changed and reignited that relationship later, yes, I did. Several years ago, my current wife, lived in another state, (flt attendant), I also work for the airlines, in a different state. We both met, got along great, became good friends, phone calls, trips together, then became intimate, bf/gf. This went on for several years, she finally moved from her house, sold it, into my house. We got along well, but two years later, she told me she was leaving, and buying a house by herself in florida, near her family. She said her reason was, I treated her like a roomate, wasn't intimate, was just into me, didn't make her feel welcome, or like my house was our house. I didn't mean to, didn't even really realize entirely that was going on. Okay, I cried. She left, I sold my house and moved for my job to another state. The whole time we stayed in occasional contact, and since we both worked for the airlines we would see each other once in a while. After about two years, she said, you have changed a lot, more mature, I really love that. So guess what, I moved to Florida into her house, we sold that after a few years, and bought a house together, called our house. I have treated her like a queen, she has treated me like a king and yes it can happen. On the down side, in our situation, we are quite possibly now stairing down the eyes of a divorce, but it has nothing to do with how we treat each other, or the past, it's our jobs, we hardly ever spend anytime together, she's gone half the week, and when I do see her she is playing catchup from being gone, so no real us time, ever. After years of this, my heart just is tired of being alone... That's my story, and the first part has similiarity to yours, it depends on what the negativity was or is, people can change if they want to and if the damage wasn't unrepairable..
Author tangerinetrees Posted May 12, 2011 Author Posted May 12, 2011 Thank you for sharing your story with me. I'm sorry to hear you are having troubles. Its nice to know that others have reignited their relationship after a break up. I guess at this point only time will tell what will happen between us. I just don't want to get hurt so badly again....you know?
Downtown Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Has anyone found it possible to forgive and let go after such a nasty breakup and then continue with a successful relationship? Tangerine, the answer depends greatly on what type of mental disorder he has. Because you say that he was unstable earlier, it sounds like it is either bipolar disorder or, alternatively, BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) -- both of which create instability. If it is bipolar, that disorder usually is very successfully treated by swallowing a pill -- if he will stay on his meds and forgo the wonderful manic highs. If he is suffering from strong BPD traits, however, pills cannot touch the underlying disorder because -- unlike bipolar -- it is not caused by a body chemistry change. With BPD, then, it is extremely unlikely he could have made any significant progress in 6 months. It usually takes several years for substantial progress and it is rare for a BPDer (person with strong BPD traits) to seek therapy, much less stay in it that long. Moreover, like BPD, the other Cluster B personality disorders take several years, at least, to learn to manage. Hence, unless you are comfortable telling us the nature of his mental disorder, I don't see how anyone here can appropriately advise you on whether to start dating him again after a break of only 6 months.
Author tangerinetrees Posted May 12, 2011 Author Posted May 12, 2011 He was diagnosed bipolar and has been off and on meds since I met him 8 years ago. As far as I know, he is now on his meds. I do worry about how long that will last, though because I rode on the roller coaster with him for a very long time. There do seem to be some significant changes to his behavior now though. I don't know...maybe 6 months really isn't enough time to see if this is a permanent change. I realize that bipolar is a disorder and its not his fault and I honestly don't blame him for it, but I just can't take the constant on and off meds....he's good for a few months, maybe even a year and then its like walking thru hell for as long as it takes till he realizes he never should have gone off his meds. Then repeat. Its incredibly painful to watch the person you love with every part of yourself put himself through that again and again. Its also incredibly dysfunctional to allow not only yourself to be dragged through it, but also your child. Ha...if only there were some kind of meter to show improvement with mental illness!
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