fun2bewith Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 closure... [i have to apologize to "poorguy" and all the others that told me not to contact her, I did not ignore you I just could not keep this hanging any longer...] I decided to "not care about the consequences or my ego" I called her after almost 7 months of NC... (I was so surprised that her nr still worked). We talked for a short while, but she said she is going to a friend's house (Obviously it is the new boyfriend’s house, strange how she still doesn't tell me directly...) and will call me tomorrow and we agreed on a time... 1) What are the chances that she will call? 2) How can I prepare myself? 3) Do you think she is consulting the new boyfriend about my call to her? Right now I do not feel it was a dumb move to call... I might say something dumb...but I will have closure when I know that she heard the words from my mouth...but then again should I talk about the relationship or should I rather just open lines for communication and once we have rapport again, then talk about the relationship?
dng Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 She's most likely not going to call you at the decided time, which will make you sad and angry. She'll call later, on her own terms and you'll already be off kilter because she didnt call you like you two had planned. Go back to NC asap, brother.
Ghosst Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 You should write down what questions you want to ask. Then when she calls you are less likely to get distracted by your emotions. I think it would be important to start by saying your reason for wanting to talk is not to try to convince her to reconcile but rather to help you find closure and move on. I hope she does call and gives you what you need to heal. Even though my ex and I had an honest conversation, I continue to struggle but I am thankful he struggled through his desire to not hurt me and was honest.
giuliano-3 Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 You should write down what questions you want to ask. Then when she calls you are less likely to get distracted by your emotions. I think it would be important to start by saying your reason for wanting to talk is not to try to convince her to reconcile but rather to help you find closure and move on. I hope she does call and gives you what you need to heal. Even though my ex and I had an honest conversation, I continue to struggle but I am thankful he struggled through his desire to not hurt me and was honest. Yes, write down everything!!! I waited 3 months for a chance to get closure but when the opportunity came all I did was babble and ramble about forgiving her. Didn't get the words out I wanted. Didn't get closure, started a 5 month cycle of sick conversations. As for your questions : 1. C-3P0 says "the odds of her calling at said time are approximately 100 - 1" 2. Excersize, eat a good meal, feel in control of your life, have something "planned" for later so you can duck out of the call at some point if needed. 3. Yes, absolutely, without a doubt. Maybe. Depends on the girl. If she is the open/honest type then most assuredly she will say something. If not, she is playing both sides and (from personal experience) I can say that is really not very cool to do either. Don't panic when she calls, try to control your pulse with proper breathing. Wait three or four rings. Best of luck. Let us know how it goes.
Thierro Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 You are over thinking all of this. You shouldn’t prepare for the phone call. It shows that you can’t handle the situation without doubt and insecurities. You should take a deep breath and let it all go. Every situation you create in advance will only set you back and disappoint you in the end. This comes down to you, how you value and respect yourself. I hope you find what you are looking for and keep us posted.
bl22 Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Id say Im about 7 months NC myself. I dont have any urges to pick up the phone and ring her, even though I stil know her number off by heart. I stil think about her everyday, and it probably hurts just as much the fact she hasnt bothered to contact me once since the breakup as I felt she would have at least 1 moment of weakness. That is stil holding me back, trying to come to terms with the fact I may never hear from her again. Almost like she just died 7 months ago, and It was her choice to dissapear. It stil depresses me, I dont think I could do what you did though and break NC. About 5 months ago, word must have got around to my ex ex that I was broken up and she broke NC. In my opinion she shouldnt have, she should have let me break it since I was the one who broke up with her. She came across as a little desperate and needy, and I was in no mood to talk to her cause of my current breakup. Maybe if she hadnt broke NC I might have started to miss her abit. I do miss certain ex's everynow and again even ones I broke up with as they were all different and individuals who were fun to be around...but when my ex ex contacted me, I lost a little respect for her. I wouldnt want my ex to feel that way about me. I really hope everything goes okay for you OP. You are really treading a fine line here doing this and you do risk looking needy and inflating her ego again from you contacting her. Im not sure where you should go from here. Whatever you do, you need to show you are over her without forcing it. Otherwise it will just reinforce her decision to leave you if you come across as sad and lonely because they arent attractive.
Author fun2bewith Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 So we talked for an hour + I told her that I will break every rule in the book about “what to say and what not to say when talking to your ex”... I told her that I did not care if I look weak, sad or anything, but I will not let pride get in the way of my closure...I also warned her that she must hang in there even if I get angry or upset…and she did… I did not do much planning because I didn’t expect her to call, but I was ready for what ever may come… My feeling is good. She did ask me questions about the woman I am seeing now. She also told me that she was very happy with the new guy and that he makes her happy. There were a few things that did upset me, the fact that she did plan the break-up and that she said she did not miss me in all these 7 Months and only cried the night we broke up and never again after that She also told me that the distance really was the problem... Well all I can say is that I am glad that I have done it, now I can close this chapter And tomorrow will be a sunshine day, because now I feel free Thank you Bl22, Thierro, Giulliano-3, Ghosst, and Dng for your support and advice...
Ghosst Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Glad she respected you enough to call and honestly answer your questions. I hope the answers give you the strength to mend your heart and find future happiness. Cheers
Thierro Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 And tomorrow will be a sunshine day, because now I feel free I enjoyed reading 'now I feel free'. I hope this feeling will last. Hold on to it.
Author fun2bewith Posted May 12, 2011 Author Posted May 12, 2011 Thank Thierro and Ghosst. The pros and cons of making contact. Cons If anybody still have the slightest feeling for their ex, I will strongly advice to remain NC. It will save you a lot of trouble and heartache. The only thing I see now that is negative is that all the answers she gave me created more questions, but it does not matter because I said what I wanted to say and it is for closure not for a second chance. You find out that they really have moved on and that you are definitely not on the top of her “to do” list. You also fear that she might get married with the guy she cheated you on with, because they are so happy together... You realize that you will always love her, although you will be okay... If you ask the questions, you must be prepared for the answers... I did not get the “I am sorry”. Pros I stopped wondering when she is going to call and when I will speak to her again. So basically now I realized that her love was too young, meaning that she was only in our relationship for her benefit... All those questions I had in my mind for so long have been answered and I do not have to assume anymore. I think only now my true healing can start... Now I am on a clean slate and my mind is busy accepting the fact that she has no feelings towards me.. The hard truth is better than a soft lie right? Still glad I did it... Let see how I feel in a week’s time....
bl22 Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Thank Thierro and Ghosst. The pros and cons of making contact. Cons If anybody still have the slightest feeling for their ex, I will strongly advice to remain NC. It will save you a lot of trouble and heartache. The only thing I see now that is negative is that all the answers she gave me created more questions, but it does not matter because I said what I wanted to say and it is for closure not for a second chance. You find out that they really have moved on and that you are definitely not on the top of her “to do” list. You also fear that she might get married with the guy she cheated you on with, because they are so happy together... You realize that you will always love her, although you will be okay... If you ask the questions, you must be prepared for the answers... I did not get the “I am sorry”. Pros I stopped wondering when she is going to call and when I will speak to her again. So basically now I realized that her love was too young, meaning that she was only in our relationship for her benefit... All those questions I had in my mind for so long have been answered and I do not have to assume anymore. I think only now my true healing can start... Now I am on a clean slate and my mind is busy accepting the fact that she has no feelings towards me.. The hard truth is better than a soft lie right? Still glad I did it... Let see how I feel in a week’s time.... Lets just say you are braver than me. Well done to you. What you did took guts and you should be proud of that. Now it is truly time to move on and dont contact her again.
Author fun2bewith Posted May 14, 2011 Author Posted May 14, 2011 (edited) You know after I made this call I realized that I was not honest enough, and did not say totally what I felt, because I wanted to spare her feelings again... I strongly believe that the contact was necessarily for me to see her without my "love glasses on"... I thought; "you know she thinks it is okay to step on all her friends and use people to advance herself and she think she isn't doing anything wrong..." I decided I am going to write her a letter/e-mail telling her exactly what I think of her and how it really affected me when she cheated on me.. Now this time I did not care anymore if this will damage future relations with her. If I could only say one thing that will stay in her mind it will help her to become a better person... After I wrote the letter I went to bed and woke up to the third phone call from her. She said: "I am so confused; I thought we were friends again and can talk again like old times, I thought after last night's call we were fine" 3 hours later Still talking with her on the phone.... I got everything, I wanted to hear form her, all my questions answered and I contributed to her in a way that she could improve herself...During our 3 hours conversation her bf called 3 times and she ignored him every time...She even apologized to me because he was interrupting... We end the conversation neutral…. The sad part I realized that even though I could have a clear shot on a second chance, she needs a lot of self improvement before I could ever become her friend again... But man I am happy! It is like the weight of the world has been lifted of my shoulders...All I needed was to hide my pride and ego and tell her exactly how I feel... The honest truth is better than a soft lie.... Edited May 14, 2011 by fun2bewith
Thierro Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 Funny how you guys talked for three hours. You feel happy, but to be honest, I am afraid it’s because of external validation; she didn’t ignore your letter and she talked to you on the phone for several hours and it ended neutral. Did you feel anxious about sending the letter and/or during the conversation? Do you believe that the feeling you are experiencing now is because of the way you handled the situation or because she didn’t reject you?
Author fun2bewith Posted May 14, 2011 Author Posted May 14, 2011 Funny how you guys talked for three hours. Ye, I wonder why? Did you feel anxious about sending the letter and/or during the conversation? Not at all, it felt like I was totally in control and leading the conversation. Do you believe that the feeling you are experiencing now is because of the way you handled the situation or because she didn’t reject you? I think of the way I handled the situation, I was proactive in that...I did not really care if she is going to reply or not...I was actually very suprised that she even did... You feel happy, but to be honest, I am afraid it’s because of external validation; she didn’t ignore your letter and she talked to you on the phone for several hours and it ended neutral. You make such a valid point here! So what does that mean? You mean I got my sense of worth form her... I wanted it to end neutral...I said: "I do not want to end it badly and I do not want to end it good"...
Thierro Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 Did you watch the movie ‘Fight club’? There’s a part where Tyler picks up the phone while chewing some chips; not a care in the world. It’s brilliant. I could already see you lie on the couch with your legs spread apart sitting as comfortable as possible chewing on some chips, zipping your beer while holding on to the phone very loosely and carefree; totally alpha. Going on for three hours is long. Hope you had something to eat or drink. So what does that mean? You mean I got my sense of worth form her... I wanted it to end neutral...I said: "I do not want to end it badly and I do not want to end it good"... That’s exactly what I mean; You got your sense of worth from her and maybe you are covering it up with false believe. Who knows, maybe your feelings are misleading you. Be careful.
Author fun2bewith Posted May 15, 2011 Author Posted May 15, 2011 That’s exactly what I mean; You got your sense of worth from her and maybe you are covering it up with false believe. Who knows, maybe your feelings are misleading you. Be careful. Mr Thierro, What if the false belief is healing me? In a practical sense what is so bad about feelings misleading you , if the feelings lead you to a better place? At the end it is leading you somewhere... Or what do you think are the consequences of this?
Thierro Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 There is nothing wrong with that if you can find genuine closure that way. But reading through all the posts on LS and in my own experiences; there’s the possibility, that in the end, your feelings were betraying you even though you thought you were doing great. So the consequences are a major setback. I don’t want you to get hurt. You still care a great deal. Just be careful, that’s the only thing I ask from you.
Author fun2bewith Posted May 15, 2011 Author Posted May 15, 2011 There is nothing wrong with that if you can find genuine closure that way. But reading through all the posts on LS and in my own experiences; there’s the possibility, that in the end, your feelings were betraying you even though you thought you were doing great. So the consequences are a major setback. I don’t want you to get hurt. You still care a great deal. Just be careful, that’s the only thing I ask from you. Really thank you, I do know that I care a great deal and I admit that I will not easily forget her...But I know that I will be able to do other things as well.... I am glad that you brought it to my attention...I just wish there was a way to work with it then, and how can I be ready if I get a major setback? So far so good...Still think of her, but believe that I did the right thing.... Hey I got fight club today so I will be watching it tonight....See what scene you are talking about..... I am very thankful for your imput!
Thierro Posted May 15, 2011 Posted May 15, 2011 Notice Tyler's attitude towards life. This is how you want to feel about te situation and every other situation that will come your way. What I have learned in life, is that you can’t prepare yourself no matter what. Having expectations will always let you down. There is no way in hell you could predict something and respond to each and every outcome in a calculated manner. If you prepare everything, you will feel paralyzed when something doesn’t go as planned. You are human. You will make mistakes, learn from those mistakes and move on; no regrets what so ever. Know that you are awesome.
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