Have you ever given someone the benefit of the doubt, only to get burned later on?

[mo mo]

In my early 20s, I used to have very little patience for nonsense from females. I used to cut girls off quickly for any silly thing just because I figured that if there was an issue so early on, it would only get worse later.

 

After a few years of that, I decided to be a little more forgiving. I went out with one girl for a long time that I had my concerns about, but I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. She ended up leaving me, and later on I found out she had been messing around with at least 2 other guys near the end of our relationship.

 

That's just one example. I have a few more. Has anything similar happened to any of you?

[Lilmisus]

Ohhh yes it has.

 

Always thinking "Oh, it's okay! This is only the 20th red flag he's shown me! No big deal..smile and give him the benefit of the doubt here. It wont happen again, I know it wont. Oh sh*t, it's happened again..."

 

Just to have him leave me for a friend and find out that those red flags I noticed were probably placed there on purpose

[Ruby Slippers]

In every single serious relationship I've had, I've given the guy the benefit of the doubt on one point or another. And every single time, that problem point has bitten me in the ass later, and was ultimately the reason I ended the relationship.

 

With the last guy I was dating, I decided not to overlook an orange/red flag. I'm glad I ended that.

 

So I am getting smarter, at least. The problem now is that I don't want to date anybody, because I am not meeting guys who don't have at least orange flags waving.

 

So now I am working to step up my game, in hopes I will attract higher-quality guys.

 

I don't want the guys with issues anymore. They have proven to be a total waste of my time. I'd rather be alone.

[NoMagicBullet]

Oh, yeah! I justed posted in another thread about this perpetually unemployed dude I dated. He had more issues than unemployment, though. I refused to see the red flags, thinking someone couldn't be that... irrational? But he was. He was a piece of work. Total mistake to get involved at all with that man. It cost me a lot, financially, mentally and emotionally.

[Lilmisus]

I don't want the guys with issues anymore. They have proven to be a total waste of my time. I'd rather be alone.

 

I second that!

[utterer of lies]

Making no mistakes often means making no new experiences...

[mo mo]

In every single serious relationship I've had, I've given the guy the benefit of the doubt on one point or another. And every single time, that problem point has bitten me in the ass later, and was ultimately the reason I ended the relationship.

 

With the last guy I was dating, I decided not to overlook an orange/red flag. I'm glad I ended that.

 

So I am getting smarter, at least. The problem now is that I don't want to date anybody, because I am not meeting guys who don't have at least orange flags waving.

 

So now I am working to step up my game, in hopes I will attract higher-quality guys.

 

I don't want the guys with issues anymore. They have proven to be a total waste of my time. I'd rather be alone.

 

 

I know exactly how you feel. EXACTLY.

 

The most recent 2 occasions I gave the benefit of the doubt to 2 different girls. They both had issues that I noticed very early on (one had a kid and a rather messed up childhood, the other had a lifelong illness and a rather messed up childhood).

 

I wasn't exactly trying to be their white knight, but I was a bit more trusting than I should have been. I figured since they had their issues that I might have had to be patient and/or work hard to earn their trust, but it turned out that both of them were immature and could not handle the situations between me and them. They either couldn't or wouldn't communicate their feelings, their needs, etc. so both relationships (if you want to call them that) crashed and burned shortly after they got off the ground.

 

With the first one, I can kinda see where I went wrong by being trusting, and now looking back, what happened isn't all that surprising. However, with the second one, I still don't understand why she has a problem communicating with me. I literally gave her 0 issues and 0 grief.

[mo mo]

Oh, yeah! I justed posted in another thread about this perpetually unemployed dude I dated. He had more issues than unemployment, though. I refused to see the red flags, thinking someone couldn't be that... irrational? But he was. He was a piece of work. Total mistake to get involved at all with that man. It cost me a lot, financially, mentally and emotionally.

 

I know that feeling. You think that this person just made a few mistakes here and there, but that he or she can't really be that ridiculous.

[Sabali]

Since men can no longer get away with suppressing women like the "good ol days," it is kind of harder for us to stay together these days (at least in some countries).

 

If every red flag or imperfection sends us running for the door, there will be no love to be made. Sometimes we just have to give others the benefit of the doubt with the risk that we could possibly get burned in the future. The loss can often be greater if you do not take the risk.

[johan]

I've known people who wouldn't give anyone the benefit of the doubt. They just ended up being in shallow, brief relationships a lot of the time. I don't know how you can expect to meet someone you'll never have to compromise with. Hopefully it's just not on something major.

[mo mo]

Since men can no longer get away with suppressing women like the "good ol days," it is kind of harder for us to stay together these days (at least in some countries).

 

If every red flag or imperfection sends us running for the door, there will be no love to be made. Sometimes we just have to give others the benefit of the doubt with the risk that we could possibly get burned in the future. The loss can often be greater if you do not take the risk.

 

I completely agree with you. In fact, I'm not saying what I used to do in my early 20s was right.

 

However, on more than one occasion, I have gotten caught up in some chick's pity party and I ended up being a lot more lenient on them than I should have been.

 

The solution to the problem isn't to stop being flexible altogether, it is that I should stop getting caught up in pity parties.

[Sabali]

I completely agree with you. In fact, I'm not saying what I used to do in my early 20s was right.

 

However, on more than one occasion, I have gotten caught up in some chick's pity party and I ended up being a lot more lenient on them than I should have been.

 

The solution to the problem isn't to stop being flexible altogether, it is that I should stop getting caught up in pity parties.

 

 

My post was not directed at your situation and I was not judging you. It was a general statement on my view of giving someone the benefit of the doubt.

[GreenVista]

Yes. I got an anon message saying my bf was playing away. I thought it was some jealous freak, so gave the benefit of the doubt. Turned out they were right and my bf left me 2 months later. Don't think I could have done anything differently though, can't exactly dump somebody on an anonymous message when you have been together over a year.

[Flgirl44]

Yes. I sat at my graduation with my spare tickets for him hoping he would show up and support me. I thought we were falling back in love but he was really just "cherishing the last moments with me because he knew he'd messed up". I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he would be a better person towards me.

[collegeguy_24]

Yes I have. My first GF, I knew something was going on, but I just assumed it was stress and she was confiding in her female friend more.

 

Turned out she was cheating on me with that friend.

 

My second GF, during the 4th of July weekend she had a break down, saying she loves me, but she still has feelings for the person who took her virginity. She has not been in contact with that guy for 2 years, and he lives in another state, but she still had feelings for him.

 

I gave her the benefit of the doubt, and int he end, she left me in August of last year, not for him, but for someone else.

 

My current GF, well, w'll just have to see.