Granna Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 I am at a loss and wanted to hear back from people that may have had something simular happen to them. My husband and I have been married for over 30 years. We have had our ups and downs over the years but nothing serious. About three years ago he started treating me very diferent, he was distant, stopped telling me about his day, never heard me when I spoke to him. Just very weird behavior for him. Before he was always loving and attentive. It seemed like one day I just sorta snapped and thought there is something very wrong here. so I tried to talk to him about it. He never told me anything other then the reply ' there is nothing wrong" it is your imagination' Needless to say for over 3 years we would argue about this feeling i had that something was wrong in the marriage. Finally one night he told me he had thought about leaving me because he felt we were no longer in love with each other. So I said was there someone else and he said Yes. He went on to say he thought he had feelings for someone else but nothing ever came of it. He says he realized as soon as he told her he had feelings for her that he had made a mistake. He says they were friends first but that he felt compelled to tell her he had feelings for her other then friendship. I never even heard him speak her name in the 10 years he has worked with her. After he told her that he said he wanted to forget all about it and make his marriage to me work.. so for three years he tries to make our marriage work by ignoring me, etc. when I asked him why he had put me through this he said he felt quilty. He says he did not know how to handle his feelings of guilt and his treatment of me just kept getting worse. Am I crazy to think there is more to this then what he has told me. He has never been consistent in his explanations and it is driving me crazy. we have had so many arguments about this because i feel he is not telling all and he says he is. it is just a repeat of the last 3 years only now i know there was something and I was not just imagining things. He has been trying so hard to be the loving husband i had before this happened, but i just feel like he is a liar and dont trust him anymore. i have told him i want a seperation but he cries and i feel sorry for him... does anyone want to give me some advise about how to cope with this because i would never have thought i would be in this marital crisis. we have tried marriage counseling but i have so much anger towards him... I can't let it drop when I feel he has not told me everything... I have several examples that i dont think make sense if anyone replies to me... thanks for hearing me out... Gran
2sure Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Its the secrecy of an affair that hurts the most, that is to me, the biggest betrayal. The secrecy that undermines the marriage and the BS whether the affair is brought to light or not. It hurts most to find out that while you were living your life , making decisions with the cards on the table....a lot of information that affected you directly was kept from you. It feels vicious doesnt it? So, I understand. Let me also tell you that your marriage stands a good chance of not moving forward until ALL of the cards on the table. Not just those he chooses for you to see. He is keeping things from you because...clearly it is difficult for him to deal with his emotions and his behavior. OK. So what? just because its difficult does not mean it doesnt have to be done. He may feel he is protecting you or that telling you all of the truth or details will only make things worse. Well, you know what? His bad decisions got you both here. Time for you to drive the car.
pinkrainbows Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Hi Granna and firstly a warm welcome. I could have written what you wrote above as it describes in detail how an affair my husband had affected me and still does almost a year on. We have been married 40 years next Month as i am dreading it and do not want to celebrate it as one year of that was broken by him!! There is no easy answer to this. I too keep asking and questioning my husband too as i think he is hiding more. Personally i don't think we can every get every single answer. If your feeling so very angry and i am still am too if it helps i wrote a very very long letter to him and put everything thought and feeling down on it and gave it too him. He broke down crying again with guilt, shame etc etc and just dosn't know what to do himself to put things right at all. When you take someone back after any affair it feels like a bereavement and the marriage is never the same anymore. You both have to start dating again and build a new relationship together and try and talk as to what happened before the affair when you care both calm and what went wrong. I think you both need to go to councelling together for as long as it takes. We are having our first session tomorrow as we are now at a point where we need some help to try and repair all this damage and hurt. Oh and i too have told my husband to leave and he sits there crying too and will not go as loves me to bits. You two just seem to have grown apart with not talking if i read it correctly. Forgive me if i am wrong. Always here for you to talk with having gone through something almost identical. Take care and keep strong and do what your heart is telling you to do x
PinkInTheLimo Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Granna, I think you will never get the truth from him. So if you want to get the truth, you will have to search for it. Snoop, hire a detective, spy on him, etc... Whatever it takes to be able to put proof in front of his nose, black on white, which shows exactly what is happening. I am sorry you go through this hell - because that is what it is. His ignoring you is abuse. I think I would leave him, I wouldn't know how to trust him after he has treated you as a jerk for the last years.
nyrias Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Granna, I think you will never get the truth from him. So if you want to get the truth, you will have to search for it. Snoop, hire a detective, spy on him, etc... Whatever it takes to be able to put proof in front of his nose, black on white, which shows exactly what is happening. I am sorry you go through this hell - because that is what it is. His ignoring you is abuse. I think I would leave him, I wouldn't know how to trust him after he has treated you as a jerk for the last years. I would be blunt. It is usually pretty difficult to get all the truth if he covers his tracks well. Three ideas: - You can probably guilt him into tell you *some* part of it but it probably won't be all of it. - Hiring a detective may help except it is more useful to find out what he is doing NOW, and will have a hard time uncovering things in the past. - You best bet is his computer/phone if he does most of his communication to other women through it.
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