Arrangrl Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 As you know I am seeing a MM. I have read various posts on here about MM telling the AP verbally what they want to hear etc etc and thatmost people agree that actions speak louder than words. Yes, I know the action that would speak the loudest is the one where he/she leaves home for good. What do you all think that my MM's actions say? He cut my grass as I was working long hrs last week He was a great help when I bought my new house- assisted with painting, lifting boxes, putting up lights, pictures etc Brought my washing in for me the other day, as it was pouring and I was at work. Sorted my bike today, as the brakes were a bit dodgy His friend and him serviced my car Takes heavy stuff to the local dump for me A few of the general things he does for me of his free will. Just curious Arran
2sure Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 I'm just curious ...does he have a job? Where does all the freetime come from? I have no answer for you, its nice to have help of course...but really - where does it get the time from?
donnamaybe Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Do you want him to leave his M? If so, these may be things he is doing to appease you and keep you "happy." They may also be things he is doing just to be kind. But - will you know the truth as long as you are content to remain his secret?
Author Arrangrl Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 He took early retirement as a teacher but works 2 sometimes 4 evenings per week.
Author Arrangrl Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 I would say it demonstrates that he cares for me.
Irishlove Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Men like to do things for woman. Yes he is being chilvarist. Accept it and thank him. Sounds like a good man.
donnamaybe Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 I would say it demonstrates that he cares for me. Again, will you know the truth as long as you are content to remain his secret?
2sure Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Well he IS cheating on his wife. No doubt he is doing chores around her house as well. Difference is your grateful and his wife probably expects him to take out the garbage and stuff. I'm not saying he isnt a "good man' or that his actions do not show he cares for you... I'd love to have someone volunteer to do the things I pay our handy man to do. Its nice that he is doing those things and also great to get a hobby when you retire.
greengoddess Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 I would say it demonstrates that he cares for me. If he really cared for you he wouldn't put you in the position of the other woman. He is playing knight in shining armor. He is retired. His wife, is she still working:may not need him at all during the day but you need him. You make him feel good. You make him feel important and feed his ego. You don't make someone you really care for an other woman. You don't put her through that pain. You get a divorce and then persue a relationship. It's so simple really. I just don't get why people settle for less than the whole thing.
So Very Confused Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 What do you all think that my MM's actions say? It sounds like he really does care for you but only you can decide if that is the price you are willing to accept for your heart.
Owl Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Well he IS cheating on his wife. No doubt he is doing chores around her house as well. Difference is your grateful and his wife probably expects him to take out the garbage and stuff. I'm not saying he isnt a "good man' or that his actions do not show he cares for you... I'd love to have someone volunteer to do the things I pay our handy man to do. Its nice that he is doing those things and also great to get a hobby when you retire. Agreed. Odds are that he doesn't get a lot of praise or payback from doing these things at home...they're routine, and expected of him. He does them for you, you feel loved/appreciated, he gets the benefit of that feeling created in you. I'd say that these actions tell me that he wants you to feel cared for/loved. They don't tell me much about him as a person. Adversity is what will show you who he truly is, where his feelings really are. It's easy to be giving and noble in times of peace. See what happens when d-day arrives...his actions and decisions at that point will be the biggest indicators of his personality and intentions.
Rooke Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 To me, those actions are to replace what you actually really want and what he's not prepared or able to give. If you see him as this kind, caring, loving man then you'll be deluded into never ending it, because you'll always think "oh he cuts my grass that means he loves me" the real question would be is he prepared to leave for you and give you what you want, not what it means that he does the occasional thoughtful thing.
Gentlegirl Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Rewards for great sex and an incentive for you to give him more.
donnamaybe Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 To me, those actions are to replace what you actually really want and what he's not prepared or able to give. If you see him as this kind, caring, loving man then you'll be deluded into never ending it, because you'll always think "oh he cuts my grass that means he loves me" the real question would be is he prepared to leave for you and give you what you want, not what it means that he does the occasional thoughtful thing. I basically brought out the same thoughts - twice - but was ignored. Interesting...
BB07 Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 I would say it demonstrates that he cares for me. Most mm "care" for the OW but caring for you doesn't mean much at the end of the day when you only get pieces here and there and less than a full relationship........assuming you want a full relationship of course.
jwi71 Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 As you know I am seeing a MM. I have read various posts on here about MM telling the AP verbally what they want to hear etc etc and thatmost people agree that actions speak louder than words. Actions DO speak louder than words. Yes, I know the action that would speak the loudest is the one where he/she leaves home for good Is that what you want? IF so, then ITS the ONLY action that counts. What's he waiting for anyway? He cut my grass as I was working long hrs last week I'm gonna get laid. He was a great help when I bought my new house- assisted with painting, lifting boxes, putting up lights, pictures etc I'm gonna get laid. Brought my washing in for me the other day, as it was pouring and I was at work. I'm gonna get laid. Sorted my bike today, as the brakes were a bit dodgy I'm gonna get laid. His friend and him serviced my car I'm gonna get laid. Takes heavy stuff to the local dump for me I'm gonna get laid. A few of the general things he does for me of his free will. I'm gonna get laid. OK, most of that was a lark - albeit with a touch of truth. Just sayin' how we men think. On a more serious note...so effin' what. I do stuff for GF all the time. What does it mean in reality? Doesn't matter. If what YOU want is for him to leave his W and be with you then the ONLY ACTION that counts is his filing for D and making your A a real R. Everything else is just smoke and mirrors - or as was stated PERFECTLY earlier...you reward him where his W does not. Or maybe its just enough to keep you engaged - seems to be. In any case, the only ACTION I see is in fact a lack of action...namely his D.
FieldFlower Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Agirl, I have to agree with what Donnatwo said. Also, always remember that good deads are only as good as the intent in which they where done. Sure it means he care's, but at the end of the day it boils down to how you feel about it. I personally think he does these things, because it is simply the best he can do, and it serves to satisfy his ego, to make him feel that some how your "even", if that makes sense. That is just my opinion, you know him and I don't. If a man truly loves you, he will settle for oatmeal, ramen noodles, and Hamburger helper, and live in a one room shack with a leaky roof, infested with rats, so long as the women he loves is there with him. He will do everything humanely possible to be a good father through divorce too. Always so many reasons to stay, which always trump any to leave. I would have died, went to hell, and squared off with Satan himself in a kickboxing match for xmm, he couldn't even say Happy Valentines Day. Not trying to drag my drama into your thread, but I'm trying to make a point I guess. You can't stop true love, it is that simple. Good luck, hope things work out for you, truly. FF
fooled once Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 As you know I am seeing a MM. I have read various posts on here about MM telling the AP verbally what they want to hear etc etc and thatmost people agree that actions speak louder than words. Yes, I know the action that would speak the loudest is the one where he/she leaves home for good. What do you all think that my MM's actions say? He cut my grass as I was working long hrs last week He was a great help when I bought my new house- assisted with painting, lifting boxes, putting up lights, pictures etc Brought my washing in for me the other day, as it was pouring and I was at work. Sorted my bike today, as the brakes were a bit dodgy His friend and him serviced my car Takes heavy stuff to the local dump for me A few of the general things he does for me of his free will. Just curious Arran Men like to help and fix things. I had a neighbor when I was divorced who did all that type of stuff for me; he was happily married. He did "man things" for me because he knew I couldn't do some of them. He would stack my wood (for my fire) for me, cut my grass, take my car to get it inspected, watched my son so his wife and I could go out to dinner or just have "girl time", etc. He is doing these things, IMHO, because he cares about you and since he can't give you what you want - him without a wife - he will do other things.
thissecretgirl Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Arran, I think it says that he cares about you and wants to help out.
Silly_Girl Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Lots of men are fixers and do-ers. I think it's lovely. But not significant.
Author Arrangrl Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 Hi everyone Thanks for all your views on my post. I have to say, I tend to agree with them all. I read a lot on this site and try to be objective about my own situation. I understand that he has huge difficulties in leaving a life of 30 yrs, I honestly do but I am beginning to feel totally out of my depth with it all. So, why is it so difficult for me to put pressure on him? I consider myself a strong woman, own house, well paid job etc etc , when it comes to this I am always stalling and make excuses. Any advice on what to do is always welcome. Would breaking it off be the best move? Arran
jwi71 Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 I understand that he has huge difficulties in leaving a life of 30 yrs, I honestly do but I am beginning to feel totally out of my depth with it all. So, why is it so difficult for me to put pressure on him? You don't force this because you have a sense, at some level, that he really isn't leaving. So, if you DO push this, you will be faced with the prospect of rejection and ultimately of being alone. Let's face it, rejection sucks. The kicker is, its not really about you. Its about HIM and his needs and his putting in just enough effort to keep you hanging around. So his choosing to stay in his M ISN'T rejecting you but rather his choosing what is best for HIM. I am a firm believer in people are exactly where they want to be. Otherwise, they would take ACTION to force a change and get to where they want to be. And guess what...your MM is exactly where he wants to be - retired, living at home with his W of 30+ years and a mistress on the side. And you are exactly where YOU want to be. You want whatever piece of him you can get because that piece of him is acceptable - its better than none of him. That's what your ACTIONS say to me anyway. I consider myself a strong woman, own house, well paid job etc etc , when it comes to this I am always stalling and make excuses. Isn't it a red flag to yourself that in all other aspects of life you are strong, intelligent and decisive. Yet, when it comes to asking your retired MM to file for D and move in with you - you stall and make excuses. What about HIM reduces you to a whimpering puddle of weakness? Would breaking it off be the best move? Now I have a well known and oft stated agenda of ending A's - and I don't care how they end (meaning you end up with MM or not - is immaterial). Should you break it off is entirely up to YOU. If you are happy with the stolen moments, then stay. Its a high price to pay and you WILL pay it even if you NEVER truly know the cost. Mostly, the price is wasted time and years(?) of wanting more and not getting it - of missing true opportunities to be with a man who WILL give you those things. If you are NOT happy, then you should begin to think of what YOU can DO to change it. Maybe force D-day...give him the prod to leave his M. Maybe end it and walk away. Dunno. Its up to you and dependent on what you want. So, what do you want? The answer to that will make your ACTIONS self evident.
BB07 Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 You know........if this guy wasn't married, the things he does for you would never bring up questions of motivations and you wouldn't have any reason to wonder what it means. If it was a SG, you'd just accept it and appreciate it for being simply nice gestures that show caring and support for you but because he is married, you have to question everything, look for hidden meanings, look for positives in the negatives, etc.. Do you see how screwed up this all is?
whichwayisup Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 As you know I am seeing a MM. I have read various posts on here about MM telling the AP verbally what they want to hear etc etc and thatmost people agree that actions speak louder than words. Yes, I know the action that would speak the loudest is the one where he/she leaves home for good. What do you all think that my MM's actions say? He cut my grass as I was working long hrs last week He cuts the grass at home too. He was a great help when I bought my new house- assisted with painting, lifting boxes, putting up lights, pictures etc He does chores around home too. Brought my washing in for me the other day, as it was pouring and I was at work. He does laundry at home too. Sorted my bike today, as the brakes were a bit dodgy He fixes stuff at home too. His friend and him serviced my car He and his friend service his wife's car to. Takes heavy stuff to the local dump for me He takes stuff to the local dump for his wife too. A few of the general things he does for me of his free will. He does things for his wife too, of his free will. Sounds like a double life to me, and not a man who is 'about' to leave and divorce. I'm sure all the stuff you listed and more, is what he does at home with his wife too. I don't mean to poo-poo your affair with your MM, but it sounds like that's all it is..An affair. Does he "live life" with his wife? Meaning, do they do family stuff, see friends, go on outings, see inlaws and his family? Go on holidays and celebrate holidays together? My guess is yes..
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