diablodude64 Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 I met a girl a year and seven months ago and we hit it off straight from the beginning. I was crazy about her, she was crazy about me. It was like this for about 11 months. We both were there for each other, did everything we could to make each other happy and then right at the one year marker, she went on a retreat with her church. That's fine, but when she came back I had the worst conversation ever. All it was her basically telling me that I have so many problems and together we both did as well. At the time we were at different colleges and so we didn't see each other all that often, but the part that made it weird was that before this our relationship was rock solid, and she would call and tell me how much she missed me. Then during our conversation she pulled a 180 and said that we didn't have a good foundation from the start, and that we shouldn't miss each other because we shouldn't waste time like that... So fall term ends, and I get a letter from her college, and I transfer for winter term. Before this, I had been driving up to see her every other weekend, which required quite a bit of getting ahead and staying ahead in school. Fast forward a bit, and we get into arguments about how I should be doing certain things for her and how I never do anything for her. Because I had been driving up and down a lot, I think she really thought that at that point it was now expected and therefore I didn't do it because I wanted to but because I was expected to. After that I thought about things just trying to gather and evaluate everything. It made no sense how someone could go from thinking you were there everything to just giving off the idea that you could be dropped. Now she wouldn't say that, but if that's the way I felt, then isn't that what mattered? Before I met her, I never wanted a relationship, because I am old fashioned in the way that I am not a door mat and refuse to be talked down to and the way I see most women these days, is that they think they are princesses. They have some ridiculous privileged royalty quality that entitles them to these absurd expectations of men. Granted, most men have given up their pair, but I won't. I don't want to candy coat everything, if it's black it's black, if it's white it's white. I don't want these shades of grey. Take responsibility for your own faults and actions. I have always been taught that it takes 2 years to get to know someone, and my relationship has proven that to me. I didn't want a relationship, because I was fine with being happy, but I take a risk, and low and behold what happens, exactly what I thought would happen in the end. Come the end of February, and we break up for the first time because she says she feels like she is supposed to. I go along with it, and we are apart for about 3 weeks, then get back together. Now we are at present time. I feel like she has changed from this beautiful girl who knew what she wanted, and who would do anything for me, to this girl who, put's me on the shelf until everything she wants to do is done and it becomes convenient for her to see me. So what do I do? Are we doomed? Is the reason why we are still together because I have gotten used to the idea of having a girlfriend, or what? Any thoughts, comments, advice or questions would be great. Thanks...
guy777 Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 (edited) Sound's like she had some revelations about what she want's out of life at church camp, and she's not sure she's going to get there with you. Before I met her, I never wanted a relationship, because I am old fashioned in the way that I am not a door mat and refuse to be talked down to and the way I see most women these days, is that they think they are princesses. They have some ridiculous privileged royalty quality that entitles them to these absurd expectations of men. Granted, most men have given up their pair, but I won't. I don't want to candy coat everything, if it's black it's black, if it's white it's white. I don't want these shades of grey. Take responsibility for your own faults and actions. I think you are on the right track with the quote above, but there are shades of grey IMO. You might not want to be so black and white about things and open up your mind a bit. And make sure you are being considerate of her with mixing in some romance. The thing I've found is that this stuff can change in a instant, and with a few words. But there really isn't that much of a foundation if it can change that quick: right? I say give her space. Don't call or text all the time. If she calls/texts, don't answer her calls/texts right away, but make her contact a couple times and wait a little bit (few hours, day) before getting back to her. Further, don't seek your confidence from how she is treating you, but draw it from yourself. If you do these things but still don't feel her returning to you, then you have your answer. You can't do anything more than be a considerate, romantic guy who calls her out and puts your foot down (with some care) when she is not treating you well. Call her out on specific instances that just happened, not overall big picture stuff, and things that happened from months ago that she "always" does. Definitely want to stay away from those heavy subjects. In short, you aren't going to be able to push this situation in a way that she will return to you, so don't try to. Edited May 10, 2011 by guy777
Author diablodude64 Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 I have been doing just that. I don't mean to give the idea that I don't care for her or that I don't listen, because I do. Lately I have just been giving her space. I don't go crazy with anything I want to do, but I don't go out of my way to do everything she wants either right now. I don't really text her anymore unless she texts, me and I don't really talk to her on the phone unless she calls me. I think she has definitly gotten used to the fact that I am loyal and willing to do pretty much anything to make her happy, but I need to back down a little bit on that. I think she needs to understand that, I am able to walk but without breaking up with her how do I show that?
guy777 Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 (edited) Sounds like your are playing it pretty good. If you are really doing as you say, I think you are cool to find a couple romantic things to do for her, like send her some flowers, or something. Have a cool comeback for when she asks you what it's for. . . .Just make sure you don't make yourself too available right away after doing something like that. Tell her you are too busy with school to drive up and make her wait a couple weeks. And you have to think of some cool comebacks to curtail this whole thing of her trying to change you. Somehow you have to break her from trying to do that, and find out if she's going to respect you for who you are. Of course that isn't going to happen by you doing things and gushing all over her constantly, but doesn't really seem like you are. Edited May 10, 2011 by guy777
guy777 Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 I don't mean to give the idea that I don't care for her or that I don't listen, because I do. I think you really need to give the impression that you do these things a little less. As long as you don't start completely neglecting her, it will give her a little taste of how things are without you. She'll see that you are fine on your own, and not only surviving by vamping her energy. She'll also realize that you will succeed, and she'll want to be a part of that.
Author diablodude64 Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 We go to the same college now so we are only like a few blocks away. I will think of something to do. But for real I actually do have a lot of school going on right now. Mechanical engineering doesn't really have any leeway, they pretty much tell you what you have to do. I have done this in the past and it worked... It sucks and seems mean, but people's minds work in a weird way and in the end, at least in the past, it has been worth it!
Author diablodude64 Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 I think you really need to give the impression that you do these things a little less. As long as you don't start completely neglecting her, it will give her a little taste of how things are without you. She'll see that you are fine on your own, and not only surviving by vamping her energy. She'll also realize that you will succeed, and she'll want to be a part of that. Yea I agree with that. That's the way I think about it anyways. So I will do that. Naturally I am like that, I am independent and I make things happen, I don't wait for the next. That's the way I have always been, but I loosened up a bit when I met her.
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