amythan Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Hi - I have posted here before about this guy with whom I had a FWB relationship. I knew this could not work and decided to move on. We were friends for a while and I really considered him my friend. During this time we slept together occasionally until he sent me an email saying about his feelings. I pretended I don't understand and he called me to talk. He made very clear that he does not want to see me again as he is not a priority for me and being around me hurts him. And I react very badly. I told him I was upset, that he is overreacting, his feelings were not real just he feels that because he is lonely and it was because we slept together and he gives too much importance to that. I made it sound as if his crush was ridiculous. I also said that if he change his mind he is welcome to contact me again. Then he sent me a goodbye email: I hope you understand that I have nothing to reproach you and I am sorry things turned this way. There is no need to feel bitter or upset and you can believe me when I say that I am also sad. My feelings for you are real and it is not a childish whim because I am going through a difficult period of my life. Actually my life is very good and I have many projects and new things I am looking for. It was not the sex either, this happened just because I had feelings for you, not the other way around. I know now you do not have the same feelings for me - and my mistake was to believe you had them - and this is the reason why I just need to walk away. I do not want to be around you feeling rejected all the time, because I deserve much better. I really wish you well and I miss you already. Now I feel terrible. Of course I do not reply but I think I hurt him again. Why did I handle it so badly ?? Do you think he has any right to be disappointed by what I said ? Just venting ..
mo mo Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 women.... sigh and then you all wonder why so many men are jerks I realize I haven't added anything of value.. but that's deliberate. If you can't see what you did wrong then I don't think anyone here will be able to make you see.
Nexus One Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Why did I handle it so badly ?? Perhaps he startled you with his feelings and you felt cornered by the sudden surprise of it and the pressure that that created? Do you think he has any right to be disappointed by what I said ? Yes and no. Yes because if you really ridiculed his feelings, then from his perspective that probably was hurtful. And no because you both agreed to a FWB situation. He "broke" the agreement by wanting more. But those things happen, people are human. Do you have any feelings for him?
mo mo Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Perhaps he startled you with his feelings and you felt cornered by the sudden surprise of it and the pressure that that created? Yes and no. Yes because if you really ridiculed his feelings, then from his perspective that probably was hurtful. And no because you both agreed to a FWB situation. He "broke" the agreement by wanting more. But those things happen, people are human. Do you have any feelings for him? Oh COME ON You really think people can just turn their feelings off like a switch if they agree to some kind of FWB or NSA deal? Even if people think they can handle that kind of thing they do not have control over their own feelings. It's not his fault that he developed feelings.
fishtaco Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 This is pretty common when it comes to FWB. I've been on both sides of the FWB. I consider FWB's very unstable, because things usually will end this way. You could have handled it with more tact and grace. But at least you didn't lie. He got the point. He's going to be hurt anyway. That's just how it is. If you like, apologize to him and say you should have been more considerate, but make sure he knows that it's only an apology, not a "I like you now" message. And let him go. He needs to stay away from you in situations like this. Not that you're bad or evil, but this is just how it is when one side's romantic feelings are not reciprocated, sex or no sex. Maybe he'll come back in the future and you'll be platonic friends, maybe not. Anyway, slightly off topic, but this is the situation where it makes me think about all those posts about how women become attached after sex. BS. My personal experience says it's BS as well. The ones that are already emotionally attached via other means, will become even more attached. Man or woman doesn't matter. So sex does not "start" the attachment. It merely reinforces what's already there. If there was nothing there, then sex is just a fun activity. This thread has both sides, with the gender "reversed" compared to the creed of the gender war. The only reason sex is such a hot topic is because of this concept that "sex is what men want". So women guard it. And then it gains this supernatural mythical powers. I'm hoping with the gender equality on the way, eventually people will start to see sex as what it is. It is as meaningful as the love of the people involved, or as fun as a pastime as the people involved want it to be. No superpowers. A poster on one of my threads, maybe Star Gazer, maybe TBF, pointed out to me that women are not fragile little flowers. I knew this before, but with all the noise on LS, and people flipping out about sex, I had forgotten that little fact. So thanks to whoever said that, it was the coffee I needed to wake up.
Author amythan Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 (edited) I knew about his feelings, we have discussed it in the past. I wanted to believe everything was fine. I told him that he was punishing me because I didn't find time to see him last time and he said that it made him realize that he is not a priority for me and if this is what i have to offer he would not accept. He broke the agreement and I considered him my friend. It is true that he had a more than intense relationship until I faded away without telling him. I know all this is wrong. And the worst part was that I said that he was filling a void during a bad period in my life but now I am a different person and I do not feel the need of keeping in touch as much as before. He does not consider we are friends. He said that friends see each other during the day and do normal things together and do not have sex. Maybe he is right and i am just being selfish. I guess I was annoying saying that this is a nosense as I like him and he likes me ... I do have feelings for him but i am not in love with him. I messed up everything and probably i will never hear from him again. Edited May 10, 2011 by amythan
fishtaco Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Like I said, I don't believe you were "evil". This is just what happens when feelings are not reciprocated. You could have done better in the communications department, but that's about it. It's not that you "messed it up", it's more like this is the outcome that was bound to happen, the only question was when and how. You can't have the cake and eat it too. You can't expect him to suddenly change his feelings and things go the way you want, just like he can't expect you to suddenly change your feelings and thing go the way he wants. Like I said, apologize if you want, but please, let him go. This is a done deal.
Nexus One Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Oh COME ON You really think people can just turn their feelings off like a switch if they agree to some kind of FWB or NSA deal? Even if people think they can handle that kind of thing they do not have control over their own feelings. It's not his fault that he developed feelings. True, he didn't have control over developing those feelings, but he did know what the agreement was and in that respect he could have known that he could get rejected. But granted, any of us would probably have done the same in such a situation.
Stockalone Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Now I feel terrible. Of course I do not reply but I think I hurt him again. Why did I handle it so badly ?? Do you think he has any right to be disappointed by what I said ? Just venting .. You could have rejected him without telling him that his feelings aren't real. that was uncalled for. Why you handled it this way, I have no idea, but you seem to end up in situations like this fairly often. Most of your threads seem very similar, friends getting too close, people leaving without a goodbye, FWB gone wrong. If I hadn't asked in a previous thread, I'd have thought you were talking about the same guy all the time.
carhill Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Move on without comment and learn a lesson. They way you treat future people who have feelings for you will show the wisdom you've learned here. Good luck. BTW, I've been that guy. In retrospect, the dynamic spoke the truth about who we both were at that moment in life. It was what it was. Life goes on. Some of us learn; some do not. Hope you'll be one of the former. Let your regret do its work.
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