Howcanthisbe Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Hi there, My wife had a 2 year affair which has now ended involving the police and all sorts. We are both committed to working this through but I cannot remove the jealousy and pain. yes i know it has only been 4 weeks since I found out. I have not lost my temper, I have not threatened or used the situation to my advantage. I have been supportive, understanding and loving. Why can I be like this but still feel so much pain and jealousy inside. It is eating away at me. I work away from home through the week, When I am at home I am "ok" when I am away I drive myself mad. I havent had a full nights sleep in a month, feel sick & sick to death of the fake mental images (considering i dont know what he looks like.) Am I just fecking strange? ta Howcanthisbe
John Michael Kane Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Hi there, My wife had a 2 year affair which has now ended involving the police and all sorts. We are both committed to working this through but I cannot remove the jealousy and pain. yes i know it has only been 4 weeks since I found out. I have not lost my temper, I have not threatened or used the situation to my advantage. I have been supportive, understanding and loving. Why can I be like this but still feel so much pain and jealousy inside. It is eating away at me. I work away from home through the week, When I am at home I am "ok" when I am away I drive myself mad. I havent had a full nights sleep in a month, feel sick & sick to death of the fake mental images (considering i dont know what he looks like.) Am I just fecking strange? ta Howcanthisbe Besides my advice on dumping the unremorseful woman, please elaborate on what you said about her disgusting behavior involving law enforcement and other things.
Author Howcanthisbe Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 No you miss understand me. It was not her. the other person involved would not accept that it was over and started stalking and threatening harm to both my wife, my daughter and me.
John Michael Kane Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 No you miss understand me. It was not her. the other person involved would not accept that it was over and started stalking and threatening harm to both my wife, my daughter and me. He got arrested?
2sure Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 You are not going to "get over" it , no matter how sincere your intentions are. Best you can do is together put this crisis behind you. Now, I am not saying your marriage cannot recover and even improve...that can happen when both partners fully recommit. Unless both of you together create a plan of real action to rebuild and repair your marriage and yourselves...your feelings will not change, and neither will your spouse. But these are very very early days for you. Your feelings, anger, and insecurity are based on truth and they are valid.
jnj express Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Your sub-conscious is not gonna let go---that is normal---and it will be with you the rest of the time you are with your wife---she is triggering you It may get better---but it will not go completely away As to the A---You sound like you basically swept this under the rug---I hope for your sake you take a hard line with this---as if she percieves you are weak, and you handled this weakly, she will cheat again--knowing you did nothing this time All that is going on---IS YOUR WIFE'S FAULT---she is the one who got involved with her psycho lover---she is the one who brought him into your lives---do not ever absolve her, of her part in the misery you are all, now going thru Your beef is with your wife---yes I am sure you would like to blow the other guy up---but you took no vows with him---it is your wife, who disrespected you, her child, and the family---IT IS YOUR WIFE WHO HAS PUT EVERYONE IN HARMS WAY
cgannon Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 As has been said before, you will never get over it. There will be good days, where you only think about her affair a few times, and there will be bad days, where you re-live the moment you discovered what she was doing. There will even be a few even worse days, where you physically react to everything your imagination can throw at you as to what she did, where, and with whom. Since you have decided to take her back, this will never end. There will be days where you want to get a revenge lay in with someone, maybe you will and it will end your marriage forever or you won't and you will just fantasize about it, which may eventually end your marriage. Eventually, with luck, you will become numb to the pain, embarrassment, and the memories of this period in your life. You might try to convince her that you are both better. You might even believe it. Your marriage might be better in every observable fashion. But you will never forget, and you will never "get over it". You will wear the pain for the rest of your life. The only choice you have is how you will act. I truly wish you good luck in this.
Author Howcanthisbe Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 Thanks everyone, I think. Wow some hard truths on here. But I do appreciate them. Maybe I am weak, but I do love her we have been together so long, but to be honest I have not been the best husband, I have been working away from home for 8 years or so... Not that that is an excuse but it must be considered. And when I have been at home, I probably havent been the best partner. In my mind, and please tell me if you think I am naieve, there is no point in threatening and forcing, she is an adult and has to make choices. there is nothing I can / or want to do to force her to be with me. I just hope she does want to. But this is just the hardest thing I have ever had to face.
confusedinkansas Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Thanks everyone, I think. Wow some hard truths on here. But I do appreciate them. Maybe I am weak, but I do love her we have been together so long, but to be honest I have not been the best husband, I have been working away from home for 8 years or so... Not that that is an excuse but it must be considered. And when I have been at home, I probably havent been the best partner. In my mind, and please tell me if you think I am naieve, there is no point in threatening and forcing, she is an adult and has to make choices. there is nothing I can / or want to do to force her to be with me. I just hope she does want to. But this is just the hardest thing I have ever had to face. Even though I cheated on my husband - Here are my thoughts 1) You are NOT weak. Many here will tell any man that stays with their wife after infidelity it makes them a weak man. I disagree. I think it takes a much stronger man to STAY than to leave. My husband chose to stay with me after the A. He's a very strong man & far from a doormat (which he's been called here) 2) You're right. You can't FORCE her to do anything she doesn't want to do. Someone posted here that she was unremorseful. I personally don't see anywhere here where YOU said she was not remorseful for what she'd done. 3) This is all very new for you. It will take time for you to process this. Don't expect results overnight. Your wife is processing it all as well. You say that you haven't been the best husband. Even though IMHO it takes two to make or break a marriage........Don't beat yourself up over this. Give it time.......
Linda9999 Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Her cheating is NOT your fault. If your marriage was or is in a bad place, you both have 4 options. 1) divorce 2) cheat 3) do nothing 4) work on the marriage to make it better You both need to commit to #4 if you want to stay together. Your wife needs to step up to the plate and show TRUE remorse. You do not have to forgive her, but you need to come to peace with the situation. Marriage and individual counseling are pretty much required. Good luck.
Author Howcanthisbe Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to share their thoughts. It means a lot to me that you can take time out of your day to help me. I suppose from my perspective, this has made me realise just how much she means to me. I mean really understand. We all take our partners for granted, and I do mean all. But I just cant help but think there is something I could have done. For instance, if I was a better husband / person i would have noticed something was wrong. If I had cared enough I would have recognised the signs and acted. I really do believe it takes to to cause the failure. I agree that how that is dealt with is choice, but surely there should always be blame on both sides regardless of the ratio. I am quite an impatient guy, always have been. Maybe I am expecting too much of myself in such a short time. My wife does tell me that I am handling this a little too well. Is it strange to feel no anger, but just a little remorse that my own lack of action and attention has allowed such a situation to materialise. I dunno, sitting here, on my own, after a good few beer, just wondering whether I should have read the signs, acted and been able to avoid the whole situation. After all, she is my life, and I cant remember the last time I told her that. Thanks again guys
John Michael Kane Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to share their thoughts. It means a lot to me that you can take time out of your day to help me. I suppose from my perspective, this has made me realise just how much she means to me. I mean really understand. We all take our partners for granted, and I do mean all. But I just cant help but think there is something I could have done. For instance, if I was a better husband / person i would have noticed something was wrong. If I had cared enough I would have recognised the signs and acted. I really do believe it takes to to cause the failure. I agree that how that is dealt with is choice, but surely there should always be blame on both sides regardless of the ratio. I am quite an impatient guy, always have been. Maybe I am expecting too much of myself in such a short time. My wife does tell me that I am handling this a little too well. Is it strange to feel no anger, but just a little remorse that my own lack of action and attention has allowed such a situation to materialise. I dunno, sitting here, on my own, after a good few beer, just wondering whether I should have read the signs, acted and been able to avoid the whole situation. After all, she is my life, and I cant remember the last time I told her that. Thanks again guys From what you just posted it seems you're in denial. Sweeping this big under the rug will cost you.
Linda9999 Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 The state of your marriage is definitely caused by both of you. What you each chose to DO about the state of your marriage is your OWN choice. She chose to cheat. You didn't. Her choice to cheat is 100% on her, not you. NOT you. I knew that right from the start - the fact my husband stepped out of the marriage had nothing whatsoever to do with me. It was ALL on him. The fact I had chosen to just let things slide, hadn't been more insistent on counseling, hadn't really cared when he would take off from home or spend hours and hours on his computer, the fact I didn't push it when he wouldn't give me his computer password, and many many other things were MY fault. The fact our marriage sucked was BOTH our faults. Only through him also accepting 100% of the blame for what he did, but with BOTH of us agreeing our marriage needs fixing, are we able to be where we are today, moving forward together, with things going well for the most part.
John Michael Kane Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 The state of your marriage is definitely caused by both of you. It's not always like that. That's just another way of saying it's partly his fault.
TMCM Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 It's not always like that. That's just another way of saying it's partly his fault. Please explain how is this the case?
Linda9999 Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 The state of a couples marriage is one thing. What they each decide to do about it is another. Two separate things. Together they make the marriage into what it is. If they decide separately to take different paths as a result of a bad marriage, those paths are their own. I had a bad marriage. I chose to do nothing about it. My husband chose to cheat. If I had decided NOT to do nothing, and had instead done something that resulted in him NOT cheating, whatever I did would have had to result in him making a different choice. But it was still HIS CHOICE, not mine.
Author Howcanthisbe Posted May 12, 2011 Author Posted May 12, 2011 Okay, so question 2, is it normal to feel / be possesive if your partner has had a longstanding affair? Apparently I am pathetic to feel like that? I would have thought that would have been pretty normal considering it has only been 4 weeks today since I found out. Maybe I am just loosing my fecking mind, infact I think I just might be. Thanks guys.
John Michael Kane Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Please explain how is this the case? This woman was cheating for two damn years. He in no way contributed to that. Some spouses try to be the best they can be and still get screwed over.
Linda9999 Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Who said you were pathetic? I certainly don't think so. Feeling possessive sounds like a natural response to me. Acting possessive, well, that may not be a good idea. It's also absolutely normal to feeling like you've lost your mind. Many days I still feel that way.
Author Howcanthisbe Posted May 12, 2011 Author Posted May 12, 2011 She did, but you raise a good point, I do feel very possesive, and maybe that is showing rather than just a feeling. Probably just re enforcing why she cheated in the first place. thank you for that, it makes sense. And yes I do hope this feeling of mental turmoil is normal, I can be laughing one minute, angry the next, and crying the next it really is just eating me alive. But I still believe in my heart it is the right thing to do, she deserves a chance.
Linda9999 Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 In order for you to really get over this,there are several things she needs to do for you. Is she ready to do them? - give you complete and total access to all cell phones, emails, web browsing history, bank accounts, etc etc. and allow you - no, OFFER to let you - look at them at ANY time - have complete and 100% NO contact with the AP - go to MC with you - start IC herself - apologize profusely, voluntarily, in writing if you want her to - disclose everything she did if you want her to.
Author Howcanthisbe Posted May 12, 2011 Author Posted May 12, 2011 There lies the question lol. The answer can only be probably to all of the above, There is no chance of contact with the OP due to the way it ended, so at least that is one thing. As for the rest Im just not sure/
The Great Gazoo Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Okay, so question 2, is it normal to feel / be possesive if your partner has had a longstanding affair? Apparently I am pathetic to feel like that? I would have thought that would have been pretty normal considering it has only been 4 weeks today since I found out. Maybe I am just loosing my fecking mind, infact I think I just might be. Thanks guys. You are ABSOLUTELY PERFECTLY NORMAL for feeling like that.
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