waiting2xhale Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Please advise me on this. I have been with my bf for 5 1/2 years and have been dealing with him talking to ex-wife for this long now also. They don't have any kids together. They were married 26 yrs. ago and was only married for 2yrs. According to him, they had split due to each of them having an affair but they had remained friends since then. When I first started dating him, I knew about their friendship. I didn't take it personal until I realized how often she was calling him (every other month, every holiday, or just to socialize). He would never pick up the phone if I was in his house when she called. I confronted him about this and his excuse was he just didn't feel like talking to her at the time but eventually he admitted that he didn't want to stir up any uncomfortable feelings on my part. Year after year, I got suspicious and found out that she was calling him behind her husband's back. She would also send him pictures of her kids during xmas time. I asked him why she was calling him without her husband knowing and he just said he didn't care why as long as he made it known to me that they are still in contact. I found out later that her husband was the man she had an affair with and left my bf for. I got angrier and full of resentment over the years always wondering why they are still in contact secretly and has no kids together. It became an argument over time and I've put up with him telling me that they are just friends and that he would never tell her to stop calling him and it was up to me how i was going to deal with it. that hurt like crazy but still i stayed with him, kissed his butt, apologizing for doubting him. i thought over time i would learn more about their friendship, would learn to understand it and accept it. but it just never felt right. he said they haven't seen each other for about 8yrs now but yet she continues to call him. he denies ever having to call her because she's always the one calling but i do believe that he calls her on her b-days/holidays too or whenever. after several arguments about her, i decided to break up with him and told i wasn't gonnal deal with that drama in my life. he convinced me to stay with him still by telling me he was gonna tell her to stop calling unless it was an emergency. i decided to compromise with him and stayed. but this year, i found out again that she has been calling him at work and that she has now broken up with her husband and has a bf. first he said she just left a msg on his voicemail at work to tell him happy b-day but after repeatedly questioning him, he ended up telling me that they had talk for less than 5min. about her new life which i think is total bs. i just feel like he is lying to me all the time about her. on mother's day, i felt so uneasy all day because i just knew he had called her for mother's day and just wondered what they had talked about. I have never heard them have a conversation on the phone. I lost it on mother's day and told him i couldn't deal with him still talking with her, that i believe he can't move forward with me because of her. he hardly has ever told me he loved me. i have always had a hard time trusting him because there are things about him that has always made it difficult for me. I also been cheated on myself from ex-husband whom i was married to for 16 yrs. so my bf and i broke up on mother's day. he again called me a fool and told me i will never trust any man, that i will never change, that it's me with the problem, that if she wants to call him on her birthday, etc. that it's okey. am i wrong for feeling the way that i do????
scoutfinch123 Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 no, you are not. Your bf chose to give more importance to a woman who was in his life 26 years ago than to you, his current partner. And its not just the fact that he did not stop talking to her despite your clear discomfort, but the manner in which he conducted himself. He didnt sit you down and explain his reasons/inability to not talk, but simply asked you to take a hike! And then has the cheek to call you a fool for leaving him. You are better off without him.
JasonRules Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 I don't think you should be upset. They were married a very long time ago and for a short period at that. She's an ex-wife for a reason. What are you afraid of? That's he'll leave you and get back with her after 26 years? She's married and has kids. I wouldn't sweat it. You should be worried if your boyfriend starts talking to some hottie 25-40 years old and single.
rayne05us Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 You've been with him for 5 1/2 years and you have had trust issues. I think you need to take this break and work on you as an individual first. Make sure you go into find someone else who treasures you and start a healthy relationship where you have good communication and can establish trust. Don't settle for anything less. There could be something waiting for you that is wonderful where you feel wanted and loved and appreciated every single day. Make sure you DO NOT contact him so he fully understands you don't need HIM or his secrets. Best of luck!!
Author waiting2xhale Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 Can u b more specific? So am I the one with the problem???
kaycstamper Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 It doesn't mean you are the one with a problem, it's not about blame. Usually when a couple splits up it's a good idea to focus on and work on bettering yourself...it gives you clarity and something to work for...and takes your focus off of him, which is counterproductive. But you do seem to be unhappy with how things are so why stay in it? Everyone's situation is different but some exes talk to each other, particularly if they have minor children together...others have no contact, but that's up to them to work out. I wouldn't worry about what they do unless they give you cause for concern.
Author waiting2xhale Posted May 12, 2011 Author Posted May 12, 2011 It has become a great concern to me that she's calling him often and My bf prefers to not talk to her when I'm around. My bf said it's been about 8 yrs since they saw each other and yet they talk this much. I get the feeling they meet up occasionally. She lives about 6hrs from us and my bf's job requires him to travel as far as she lives. I even found her address on a sticky pad ihis wallet one day. My bf has told me that he feels the need to always stay in contact with her because she was a virgin when he married her and also gave her an STD. I still feel like he can't commit to me if he'd rather continue keeping in contact with her. If they had kids together I guess I would be more accepting of the whole thing but they don't. And now she's divorced or separated but has a bf according to my bf. I feel as if she Will keep reaching out to him even more now. My bf does continue to assure me that he will never be with her again even if he and I wouldn't be together. But I still feel as if they have some frenz w/ benefits going on. One time my bf wanted me to call her up and confront her myself but I feel that would have just been a joke on me. He needs to make the decision and be the one to tell her to not call anymore if he even cared about keeping men in his life. 5 1/2 yrs together felt like emotional abuse majority of the time the more I think about it. It got to the point where he was starting to make me doubt myself and became so depressed. To this point I'm still wondering if I'm being fair with him. Pls I need some more feed back on this....
rayne05us Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Just take a break you know? From all the worrying and just be good to yourself, that's a good start. Focus on what YOU want to accomplish, how YOU want to better yourself. If you think you need to talk to someone about it, then do that...don't ignore YOUR needs. Regardless of who you're with you should always remember that you are an individual. Don't worry about him right now, worry about yourself. I've had to to the same thing now. I'm starting to work out more again, I'm focusing on MY needs and what I need/want to accomplish. And I'm making a promise to myself that I'm only letting people in my life that want to support me or I can learn something from them...otherwise TAKE A HIKE!!!! Haha!! It's that simple. Put youself first.
kaycstamper Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 My bf has told me that he feels the need to always stay in contact with her because she was a virgin when he married her and also gave her an STD. That a bunch of BS. He is just using an excuse. Does he want to be with her or you, he can't have it both ways unless you let him. Do you want to be with someone who doesn't care about your feelings? The more you write the better picture I'm getting of this...and I'm flat out annoyed at him!
Jdw_Icequeen Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Being friends is one thing.. He can't have a conversation infront of you and you have caught him dead on in lies. If things were on the up and up there would be no need to lie or to only talk to her when your not around. That virgin and the STD excuse.. Whatever that is the biggest bunch BS!! You found her address in his wallet?? I hate to say this but 95% of the time when you get the feeling somthing is wrong your usually spot on!! They were together a long time I could see how it could be hard to completley forget someone that were together for so long. But if he dosen't love you enough to respect your wishes he isn't worth the time. I think this guy is yanking you around.. Sorry if this sounds harsh but I only call it like I see it.. You shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable in a relationship if you do its point blank somthing that needs to be dealt with because it isn't fair to you. I don't think your wrong to feel like you do at ALL.. You were nice enough to let it go for this long until you caught him in lies and made you feel a fool, which is completley unacceptable!
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