So Very Confused Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 I've been lurking on this forum for a long time and I really enjoy everyone's point of view. I was in a verbally abusive marriage for several years and finally found the courage to separate. My (now) ex and I hadn’t had sex in many months when I left. He often withheld sex as a way to keep me in line. A few months after the separation I met a MM and began what started out to be a NSA, FWB relationship. The MM works where I live and goes home to his wife and kids when he’s not working. He’s everything my ex was not - kind, well-mannered, interested in what I have to say, tries to make me happy, makes spending time with me a priority and is a great lover. What started out as just sex quickly progressed to a lot more than that. If he wasn’t married, he’d be the perfect guy. He says he loves me and I think I love him. He’s been very honest that he’s not sure he’ll ever leave his wife and kids. (he gives all the usual excuses – he loves her but he’s not in love with her. He’s staying for the kids. Blah blah blah) But here we are in this very intense A. I love the companionship. We see each other every night when he’s in town and spend all our free time together. I try to rationalize it by thinking I’m not a threat to his wife or children since I’ll never encourage him to leave them. Here’s where things got crazy. I was recently offered a job transfer to another city. It would be a lateral transfer but would offer more opportunities at work and I’d be away from the ex and closer to the rest of my family. The downside is that I’d be working a lot more hours, have a long commute in a really large city and the cost of living would be a lot more. Long story short, after a very passionate weekend with the MM I turned down the job transfer. I know this was a bad decision since it will probably negatively affect my career at some point and I made the decision mostly because I didn’t want to lose the MM. I already regret making it but I’m afraid I’ll lose even more credibility at work by saying I’ve changed my mind again and will accept the transfer after all. I feel like I’m in a tangled mess and making some very bad choices by listening to my heart and not my head. Last night we were having a conversation that shocked me. I was explaining that I’m lonely on the weekends and that one of these days I’ll theoretically have my head together enough to begin dating again. The MM said that if that happens, he’ll no longer see me. He says he can’t bear the thought of me being with someone else and that I couldn’t do that if I loved him. This doesn’t make any sense to me when he goes home to someone else every weekend and claims to love me. He says it’s different because his is a pre-existing relationship. I feel so lost and confused by all this and don’t know who to talk to. I don’t discuss this with any of my friends for fear of being judged and labeled. Should I just leave the work situation alone or should I go back to my boss and accept the transfer? Should I accept the fact that the MM gets to have two relationships and I’m not allowed the same? I know I should dump the MM, but that’s not going to happen right now so I’m trying to get back into my rational head and minimize the damage. I really enjoy reading the forums and hope someone can talk some sense into me or at least give me the same advice you'd give one of your friends.
Silly_Girl Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Go for the job. You're not anyone's toy. Do what benefits YOU.
26pointblue Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Wow girl I can so relate. I too gave up job opportunities & in many senses almost sabotaged my career for xMM. I allowed all my decisions to revolve around him & being around him . . . which got really hard & complicated once he was just standing there doing nothing but talking about what he was going to do all over the place. I could no longer live with that kind of a chaos or base my own life decisions off of a half-relationship. My xMM was the same way when it came to other guys & it's just a plain old double standard! They are MARRIED & have their life with their wife & kids & us on the side, yet we're not allowed to have our own life outside of them? F that. I'm serious, F it . . . I'm at the anger stage & I think that's just plan ridiculous. Don't let this guy influence your decisions about your career or your dating life. He isn't worth it . . . he isn't giving you all or even most of him, just pieces of himself, so stop giving him your all or even most of you. Try to detach from him & only give him pieces like he gives you. Then eventually I hope you can find the strength to walk away for good because you deserve a lot more. I know it's hard, I'm still doing it, & it's hard, but we deserve better. You sound like a cool chica & I wish you the best. :-)
Mimolicious Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 I've been lurking on this forum for a long time and I really enjoy everyone's point of view. I was in a verbally abusive marriage for several years and finally found the courage to separate. My (now) ex and I hadn’t had sex in many months when I left. He often withheld sex as a way to keep me in line. A few months after the separation I met a MM and began what started out to be a NSA, FWB relationship. The MM works where I live and goes home to his wife and kids when he’s not working. He’s everything my ex was not - kind, well-mannered, interested in what I have to say, tries to make me happy, makes spending time with me a priority and is a great lover. What started out as just sex quickly progressed to a lot more than that. If he wasn’t married, he’d be the perfect guy. He says he loves me and I think I love him. He’s been very honest that he’s not sure he’ll ever leave his wife and kids. (he gives all the usual excuses – he loves her but he’s not in love with her. He’s staying for the kids. Blah blah blah) But here we are in this very intense A. I love the companionship. We see each other every night when he’s in town and spend all our free time together. I try to rationalize it by thinking I’m not a threat to his wife or children since I’ll never encourage him to leave them. Here’s where things got crazy. I was recently offered a job transfer to another city. It would be a lateral transfer but would offer more opportunities at work and I’d be away from the ex and closer to the rest of my family. The downside is that I’d be working a lot more hours, have a long commute in a really large city and the cost of living would be a lot more. Long story short, after a very passionate weekend with the MM I turned down the job transfer. I know this was a bad decision since it will probably negatively affect my career at some point and I made the decision mostly because I didn’t want to lose the MM. I already regret making it but I’m afraid I’ll lose even more credibility at work by saying I’ve changed my mind again and will accept the transfer after all. I feel like I’m in a tangled mess and making some very bad choices by listening to my heart and not my head. Last night we were having a conversation that shocked me. I was explaining that I’m lonely on the weekends and that one of these days I’ll theoretically have my head together enough to begin dating again. The MM said that if that happens, he’ll no longer see me. He says he can’t bear the thought of me being with someone else and that I couldn’t do that if I loved him. This doesn’t make any sense to me when he goes home to someone else every weekend and claims to love me. He says it’s different because his is a pre-existing relationship. I feel so lost and confused by all this and don’t know who to talk to. I don’t discuss this with any of my friends for fear of being judged and labeled. Should I just leave the work situation alone or should I go back to my boss and accept the transfer? Should I accept the fact that the MM gets to have two relationships and I’m not allowed the same? I know I should dump the MM, but that’s not going to happen right now so I’m trying to get back into my rational head and minimize the damage. I really enjoy reading the forums and hope someone can talk some sense into me or at least give me the same advice you'd give one of your friends. Welcome! Honestly speaking- you will lose LESS credibility by back tracking on your decision and accept the transfer than setting yourself for what may bring you huge disappointment in the end. You are making a priority out of someone that you may be an option to. Take a few hours and think to yourself, which one you see lasting longer and having more positive benefits, your career opportunity or having an A with a MM? It would be a shame that your A doesn't end up amounting to anything but the usual that you see here... and you lose the opportunity to excel and experience a whole new level in your life. Good luck and I hope you make the best decision for yourself.
myname Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Go back to work and say you've changed your mind about the transfer, you can say that you had personal issues that you needed to sort out before you knew you could accept it, and that now you've done that, no one would disrespect that. Your situation with your MM might be different but if it turns out anything like my situation then you'll regret giving this up for someone who ultimately will let you down. all the best.
reboot Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Last night we were having a conversation that shocked me. I was explaining that I’m lonely on the weekends and that one of these days I’ll theoretically have my head together enough to begin dating again. The MM said that if that happens, he’ll no longer see me. He says he can’t bear the thought of me being with someone else and that I couldn’t do that if I loved him. This doesn’t make any sense to me when he goes home to someone else every weekend and claims to love me. He says it’s different because his is a pre-existing relationship. Really? Really? How did you resist laughing in his face? Let's see, I can further my career or stay with a low life that pretends to care about me so he can get in my pants. I don't mean to be cruel, but really?
Author So Very Confused Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 Thanks everyone for the support and advice. I'm still afraid I'll look like an ever bigger idiot if I tell my boss I'll take the transfer. I asked for the transfer many months ago when I found out I was getting seperated. I had decided it wasn't going to happen and got settled into my new place when I was called in for a meeting out of the blue and asked if I wanted to transfer. After another month they flew me back for a house hunting trip but I couldn't sign a lease because I didn't have a firm date to move. After the house hunting trip, I called my boss and declined. Yesterday he asked if that was my final answer and I told him it was. (I used the divorce and being too stressed about moving again so soon as my reason) Then I had the conversation with the MM last night and realized what a ridiculous situation I'm in. I haven't felt right about declining the offer since I talked to my boss but I don't know how not to look flakey by accepting. reboot, you aren't being cruel. That was honest and I appreciate it. And if I were thinking with my head and not my underwear, I'd have said it myself.
myname Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Thanks everyone for the support and advice. I'm still afraid I'll look like an ever bigger idiot if I tell my boss I'll take the transfer. I asked for the transfer many months ago when I found out I was getting seperated. I had decided it wasn't going to happen and got settled into my new place when I was called in for a meeting out of the blue and asked if I wanted to transfer. After another month they flew me back for a house hunting trip but I couldn't sign a lease because I didn't have a firm date to move. After the house hunting trip, I called my boss and declined. Yesterday he asked if that was my final answer and I told him it was. (I used the divorce and being too stressed about moving again so soon as my reason) Then I had the conversation with the MM last night and realized what a ridiculous situation I'm in. I haven't felt right about declining the offer since I talked to my boss but I don't know how not to look flakey by accepting. reboot, you aren't being cruel. That was honest and I appreciate it. And if I were thinking with my head and not my underwear, I'd have said it myself. I think you could turn this round to look like you've made an informed decision if you want to. You can say you've been in touch with family and decided that as they're there in the new location you can deal with the move and that it was momentary nerves because of the upheaval there's been in your life but now you're sure and you'd actually like to move forward and want the opportunity.
BB07 Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 He thinks by saying that to you that he will cause you to think that you are more valuable to him than you actually are (that flattery,possessiveness bs).........or it's just pure selfishness asshat typical behavior for a mm. Also you'd like to think that he is a good guy who wouldn't take advantage of your vulnerability since he knows you've been in a previously abusive situation but be very aware than some men can and do use this to their advantage. When the shyte hit the fan with my Xmm he consoled himself that he wasn't emotionally abusive or verbally abusive as my prior fiance was. So somehow that made him feel better about lying to me about being separated for almost 2 years. Go figure uh. Do not make this man your priority, as you are his option and he probably is not a nice guy at all.
Heart On Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Wouldn't you rather risk looking a little flakey and taking the transfer than winding up under the bus when you mm becomes your Xmm? Last night we were having a conversation that shocked me. I was explaining that I’m lonely on the weekends and that one of these days I’ll theoretically have my head together enough to begin dating again. The MM said that if that happens, he’ll no longer see me. He says he can’t bear the thought of me being with someone else and that I couldn’t do that if I loved him. Buhwahhahaha.....what a silly, silly man!:laugh::laugh: This doesn’t make any sense to me when he goes home to someone else every weekend and claims to love me. He says it’s different because his is a pre-existing relationship. It's different,because it's all about him. Or if you are just too embarrassed to change your mind and tell your boss,you could always stay where you are,start dating other single men and let him fall by the wayside.I say do what's best for YOU and you alone now that you know his attitude.He just handed you a huge opportunity to escape him. Who needs someone that selfish and hypocritical...even if they are good in bed,it's not worth the trade off! You have choices....make them healthy ones and your life will balance out and feel 100% more within your power and control. Good luck!
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