Moutonrose Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 I see alot of threads here where the dumpee wants to keep contact eventually with there ex and maybe be friends...I am not sure I can do that...I want to know if it's normal that I want to keep NC forever?? for those who don't know what I went threw in a nutshell here it is...my ex and I were together for 7 years, the last 2 were a lie and he pretended to love me....in those 2 years he cheated on me with many girls in and out of the country. he even lied to me when he was breaking up cause I found all of this out post breakup...never showed any remorse because he thinks what he did is funny I just want to know if its normal I dont want to ever contact him again after this....but...there is a part of me who is mixed up trying to understand why the hell can he just go about his life and pretend I never existed...like I was never a dent in his life... I am waiting for that phone call one day where he tells me he is remorseful for what he has done to me...
lazybum Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 I don't know if its normal or not but i definitely know that it's for the best! Go hardcore NC on him. He cheated on you for 2 years. He doesn't deserve an iota of ur time and energy.
giuliano-3 Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 I waited 3 months for a word and when I finally got it there was no closure. In fact, the opposite happened. Opened up my world to her again, left that door open just a crack in case she wanted to make the effort to break through. Wanted more "breadcrumbs." Followed the trail of crumbs through a forest and when the trail stopped I was suddenly all alone and very lost. I'm starting to think "being friends" after a traumatic break-up is impossible. Or very hard at the least. I felt the exact same way as you. Last summer was excruciating for me. Waiting around for a call to explain things, hating her, hating her new guy, hating the country she chose to stay in, hating myself for being in that situation. What you are feeling is very normal. You don't want to ever see the person or hear from them, but then you do. "like I was never a dent in his life" is a quote which I felt exactly. How could this person just forget and move on without a trace? Its tough. You feel alone right now. A project would do you some good, pour that energy into something positive. Mine was deciding to help my mom through cancer instead of running away and having fun somewhere to get my mind off the ex. My mom is a difficult person and only has me, so caregiving has been tough to say the least - but it has been very rewarding and given me an outlet to forget (at least for stretches of time) the ex completely. I'd like to say one day you'll stop waiting, but I don't know that for sure. Either he calls or he doesn't. Right now the power resides with him. I believe the only way to take the power back is by going NC and waiting it out. And coming here on the regular for help. A farm in Quebec sounds lovely, summer is here and I know from driving through that wonderful province how nice it is this time of year. Be grateful for what you have, try to stay positive.
Ghosst Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 (edited) My ex and I have tried numerous times to just be friends. We always end up getting back together. The love we have for each other will always be there. I don't think your desire to have no contact ever again is bad at all. Your former partner has treated you with incredible disrespect. In your circumstance, I would say you have no option but complete no contact. If he had no remorse for cheating at the time, he did not care about your feelings at all. Cheating over a 2-year period is pretty extensive....he was lying to your face every time he looked into your eyes and betraying you with each word. Friends to treat us with love and respect and are there when you need them. People who lie, betray and disrespect do not qualify as friend material. You are making the right choice by wanting no contact ever. Edited May 10, 2011 by Ghosst re-reading post
Author Moutonrose Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 wow thank you! you are so right...he didnt respect me as a mate so he wont respect me as a friend....ugh it's just I thought I was not normal because I see so many people who want to be friends with ther ex eventually and I have no intentions too! yes I have been seriously betrayed and right now it had led me to have depression...I have alot of things who have brought me to this point...first the betrayle...the loss of my home, my job, my school, my friends...the fact that I live at my dads in his very very secluded house...away from everything. the fact taht my mom denies that I have borderline personality disosrder and the fact that right now I am always lost in my thoughts... I have been broken up for 2 months and been NC for 3 weeks...last contact was from him to finish closing our accounts and stuff...we had many joint stuff together and he would contact me by email to finish it all...I eventually sent him one last email bitching alot in it. that wsa it...since then no contact whatsoever... I dont want to hear from him...I really dont..his voice or his emails would ruin my day...when I opened my inbox and saw his name I would imeadiatly get angry...feel my heart drop down to my legs and I would say ''wtf does he want now!!!'' but honestly as sad as it sounds...I really dont feel like ever seeing him again and being ''civil'' with him... all i want is to one day get a call or something with him saying I am sorry for what I did...cause right now he feels no remorse!!!
Author Moutonrose Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 I waited 3 months for a word and when I finally got it there was no closure. In fact, the opposite happened. Opened up my world to her again, left that door open just a crack in case she wanted to make the effort to break through. Wanted more "breadcrumbs." Followed the trail of crumbs through a forest and when the trail stopped I was suddenly all alone and very lost. I'm starting to think "being friends" after a traumatic break-up is impossible. Or very hard at the least. I felt the exact same way as you. Last summer was excruciating for me. Waiting around for a call to explain things, hating her, hating her new guy, hating the country she chose to stay in, hating myself for being in that situation. What you are feeling is very normal. You don't want to ever see the person or hear from them, but then you do. "like I was never a dent in his life" is a quote which I felt exactly. How could this person just forget and move on without a trace? Its tough. You feel alone right now. A project would do you some good, pour that energy into something positive. Mine was deciding to help my mom through cancer instead of running away and having fun somewhere to get my mind off the ex. My mom is a difficult person and only has me, so caregiving has been tough to say the least - but it has been very rewarding and given me an outlet to forget (at least for stretches of time) the ex completely. I'd like to say one day you'll stop waiting, but I don't know that for sure. Either he calls or he doesn't. Right now the power resides with him. I believe the only way to take the power back is by going NC and waiting it out. And coming here on the regular for help. A farm in Quebec sounds lovely, summer is here and I know from driving through that wonderful province how nice it is this time of year. Be grateful for what you have, try to stay positive. thank you G3...I am happy to see that I am not alone feeling this. it's great you are taking care of your mother...she must need it and need your love. as for projects I am looking for a part time job with sheep since I managed a farm for 3 years. I am very grateful for where I am...but sometimes even in the best of times everything catches up and you have no choice but to feel sad and pained...I am very sorry what your ex gf did to you...I know what that waiting for that international call felt like...I lived it!!! people think they can get away with anything when they are over seas...anyways thats waht my ex said ''didn't count...was in another country''...i know also all the anxiety you must of lived as well!!! horrible feeling. stress and anxiety are the worse things to live with...we will get threw this...we will...we just have to have confidence in our selves
Author Moutonrose Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 I don't know if its normal or not but i definitely know that it's for the best! Go hardcore NC on him. He cheated on you for 2 years. He doesn't deserve an iota of ur time and energy. you are very right!!! I am going to continue going NC for the rest of my life...he deserves to never know what is going on in my life!!!
smudge21 Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 You're doing the right thing. Some people just don't appreciate what they have. It's his loss. I believe staying friends, or rebuilding a friendship, after a relationship all depends on how the relationship ended. If it were mutual, polite, no hatred or anger, then there's definitely room to stay friends. I've seen it happen and experienced it myself. Couples just don't work out, you split and then find that a friendship works best. However, when the relationship is like yours and there's been bad times, I don't see how or even why you would want to be friends with someone, especially someone who would betray your trust. If they'd do that when in a relationship, then they would definitely do that when you're both just friends.
wistful Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Moutonrose, I went through a similar break up to your's (here's the thread). My ex seemed to be on another planet, as several times after we broke up, she said "I'd like to think we can at least be close friends in the future". At the time I was so messed up by the whole break up that I thought "Yeah definitely. Let's keep in touch, I'd really like to see you". It'll be just like that movie "Down to You" - although I'm far better looking than Freddie Prinze Jr Then one day my brain caught hold of my heart - "Are you f**king kidding me?!". It took me a long time to get to that point though. As time passed I was more interested in the possibility of being friends because I felt one day I'd actually get that apology from her. That she might finally say "I really f**ked things up between us, I'm sorry, etc etc" and that I'd know I meant something to someone who meant so much to me. I try very hard to remind myself that really she was lucky to have ever met me, and not the other way around. Like everything, some days I'm better at it than others. As people have already pointed out if they won't respect you as a partner how could they as a friend? In reality you would have to put a lot more behind than he would, you'd be doing him a huge favor allowing him to express his remorse - guilty weighs really heavy on people. I'm not suggesting holding it over him or anything. And while I'm not the smartest, handsomest, strongest or wealthiest man in the World, I'm pretty damn good at being me and only getting better at it. That's someone she'll never have again. And you're someone he'll never have again.
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