john170 Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Hello all i am new to this forum but just to give a little run down on my situation. i have been married for 12 years am 37 my wife is 35. We have an 11 year old little boy and a 15 year old she had from a previous marriage. Our marriage has had its ups and downs and i admit that i have been very controlling and jealous throughout our marriage things which i know i have to change. I recently engaged in a 3 years emotional and physical affair which my wife found out about and we separated for approximately 3 months cause of it.We talked throughout the separation and i was able to beg her to take me back. We stayed together for two more years where the arguing, jealousy and control became worse on my part. We separated approximately 6 months ago during which time she filed for divorce. I did the usual begging, pleading and crying and saying mean things to her to take me back. We texted alot during the first few months of separation but no hopes of reconciliation. Well about four months into our separation she sent me a sexually explicit pic of her out of the blue which ended up in us having sex three times and going out twice. That later ended cause she said i was getting the wrong idea and couldn't handle just having sex with her. I ask for her to put the divorce on hold and she has gone from saying i dont know to no and that she doesn't feel about me like she should feel about her husband. She also said if she wanted me back she would have missed me by now and ask me back. She also has said for me to just give up but then says it would be years before she would consider taking me back and that we should be able to do things with the kids even after the divorce. Well our last argument she said that i have absolutely blown any chance of reconciliation in the future. Well i have given up initiated no contact and am on week two. we text about our son but thats it. anyone have any input about her ups and downs or what she is thinking or any advice other than what im doing.
PegNosePete Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 It's obvious she doesn't want to be married to you any more dude. Just divorce her and get it over with. Give her what she is asking for.
Author john170 Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 It's obvious she doesn't want to be married to you any more dude. Just divorce her and get it over with. Give her what she is asking for.Pete thats exctally what ive done already filed on my behalf and she has given up custody of or 11 year old to me.
Mauschen Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 John 170, I was married to a man who cheated and was extremely controlling and jealous. He had other issues too that I am not sure you have based on your post. In any case, once I broke free of him, a sense of total relief came over me. You have no idea how difficult and emotionally draining it is to live with someone who is controlling. And it is completely devastating to deal with infidelity. Actions speak loader than words. I am glad you stopped begging, pleading, and insulting her to get what you want. Based on your post, I am not certain that you have any hope of reconciliation with your wife. However, spending 12 years with someone is a big deal and I am sure she still has some residual feelings for you. The problem is - she knows living with you is exhausting and probably fears more infidelity. So your actions MUST speak louder than words at this point. Go to therapy to get control of your emotions and controlling/jealous nature (you'll need this for any future relationship anyway), read His Needs Her Needs, take a parenting class and parent your child as well as you can. Ask yourself if you would like your son to grow up to be just like you. If the answer is "no" you have a lot of work to do in order to model the type of man you expect your son to become. If he enters adulthood with poor relationship skills, his life is likely to be painful. I wish you the best - if you want to change, you can.
Author john170 Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 (edited) well i got the i dont have feelings for you like i should my husband speech again this weekend!!!!! hahahahaha but i did get a happy birthday text from her this morning lmao. just said thanks. oh and i almost forgot got the we have been through to much line too Edited May 11, 2011 by john170
carhill Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Welcome to LS How's your mediation going? Amicable mediation would be a great example of your intentions to proceed and augment the changes in your hopefully former behaviors. Since she apparently filed awhile back and you filed 'on your behalf', it's unclear to me where the D stands right now. In Cali, once a plaintiff files, the respondent has 30 days to file a legal response with the court; if not done, the plaintiff can proceed for a default judgment along a number of different paths. We chose the default with settlement agreement, facilitated by mediation, path. Perhaps you can enlighten me about your jurisdiction. Child custody adds complexity but the paths are essentially the same. Most of what I'm reading is why divorces take so long. Get the business done, fix yourself, heal and then see what remains. Your M is over. Anything with your former wife will be completely new and unrelated to the past. You made your mistakes and she made hers. That's history. Live in the now.
change Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 Most of what I'm reading is why divorces take so long. Get the business done, fix yourself, heal and then see what remains. Your M is over. Anything with your former wife will be completely new and unrelated to the past. You made your mistakes and she made hers. That's history. Live in the now. This is brilliant and why I try to remember that a marriage or a divorce is only a piece of paper. Starting fresh and seeing what is there in the present is the only way to get out of the past, start living life, and have a future.
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