Coping Method: Do You Obsessively Think About How Your Ex Never Loved You?

[TooMuchPride]

I Came Across A Thread That Made Me Think So Differently About My Break-Up . . .

 

I Started To Wonder . . . We all sit here and make our exes out to be these monsters (most of us) alot of us go nc & say if our ex wanted to contact us they would and when they do its breadcrumbs or "ignore them" Granted alot of us are the dumpees but some of us deserve it.

 

we are all sharing ONE side of the story....as i read a post last night it forced me to think about myself...

 

i discovered what i find to be a good coping method..but only if you are strong with your nc

 

me personally my weakest part of breaking up is sitting and picking apart everything my ex has done making little things into huge signs that he didn't love me never cared hurt me on purpose planned this...that ive convinced myself to believe... i cant say my ex does the same thing or even that you guys do but ive managed to convince myself my ex planned to hurt me and was cheating and secretly hated me and wanted revenge also that he used me to spite his other ex...off of little things with no SOLID proof..but trust me they are possibilities..but sitting and realizing the small things that lead me to those conclusions are a bit scary/funny

 

 

for this "method" i tried to think of my self as my ex...i didnt say switch positions i said ...for example imagine that your just broke up with YOU...think back on your relationship in the way u think of your ex.

 

i began to pick apart the things ive done with my ex...in the same way...i found things that ive done or said that would tear me apart if they were done or said to me and i never thought they would mean much when saying them...it opens my mind to the small things i harp on the small details i go over..may actually mean nothing...i was angry at my ex for texting my mother for mothers day like it was the worst thing ever...but you know whats worst?

 

i got upset with my ex on his moms birthday...& he broke up with me reluctantly he was upset..in fact he never actually said "we are done" , im the one who said oh you are ended it ok?....i never wished his mom happy birthday because of my pride that day i ignored him and i never had her number so because i didn't want to speak to him i never sent the message through him...yes i was upset with him & had right to be but i am only now realizing 2 months after the break up how bad that seems...i tried to reason with him 2 days later and he started demeaning me which caused me to get even more upset...yet i wasn't thinking maybe he just wanted me to acknowledge his mothers birthday? then when he tried to initiate contact i was so upset at how he acted i told him never to message me again & he listened...to me all this was small stuff & the only reason i didnt eventually apologize was because of how he started acting after...he was broadcasting sleeping with exes & thats where i drew the line...but he was clearly trying to piss ME off and get me to contact him...i never contacted his mom on easter and he contacted mine...i never contacted on mothers day he contacted mine..i was so taking up with the fact he was contacting mine that contacting his was furthest from my mind..in fact i was upset he was texting my mother..trying to find his motive..not realizing that there isnt much wrong with that & maybe that i SHOULD have contacted his mom...after all she did nothing to me & treated me so nice and infact i spent more time with his mother than he did mine...yes its innapropriate but his mother was so nice to me...and I Must appear like such a brat...I'm not saying my ex never did anything wrong he did ALOT to me..but we are so busy painting awful pictures of our ex we forget our selves & using 3 days out of our relationship i was able to make my self look like the bad guy...& there is more

 

 

now this "coping method" isnt supposed to make your ex into the victim and have you go message your ex and break nc..because it will make you weak..but if you are constantly thinking about your ex and how they wanted to hurt you and plotted against you & never loved you..it may help...help you see why they too are keeping nc..the thoughts that plague your mind...you may not be alone...this isnt to make you feel bad about your self...or even feel bad for your ex...but just to let you see your ex may have cared....you arent suppose to use this as a reason to contact you ex or convince yourself your ex still loves you..because using this to give your self false hope will only hurt you more...this is just to help you see your break up at a different light.

 

it took me 2 months to realize that i could have prevented my breakup , heck i caused it, heck in some lights i initiated it.

 

it took me 2 months to realize i may not have been the only victim in this break up...my situation may be different everyone else but try it.

 

if you are already consumed with thoughts of your ex try thinking about yourself for a bit, not obsessively but im sure you will uncover somethings, how bout that day you were so weak you sent your ex a BREADCRUMB..YES YOU!...or that you keeping nc for 2 months doesn't actually mean you hate your ex...

WARNING! - if your ex dumped you & you have been contacting like crazy with no response...this coping method may not be for you

 

just try thinking about yourself the way you pick apart your ex , it brought me a little peace of mind , you guys could say i probably was the bad guy & thats why i was able to find stuff but i can assure you , you may find stuff too:bunny:

 

 

before you do this commit to yourself if you plan to contact your ex which I DON'T advise..that you at least wait 3 days to allow yourself to reflect on both you & your exes behavior TOGETHER...This is to help you not be one sided not shift the blame from 1 side to the other

[giuliano-3]

Yup, done this excersize plenty. And believe in it, btw. If I were given a couple thousand dollars to stay overseas and be with family, then met someone I "clicked" with and wanted to stay overseas - I could see myself choosing to stay. I'd like to think I would call or write and explain myself somewhat and not make the one I cheated on call my mom to find out if I'm alive. But yeah, I can sort of see where she was coming from to an extent.

 

I've also had to sort out issues I see in myself that led to the general feeling in her which would make something like this possible. Not right or OK, just possible.

[TooMuchPride]

Yup, done this excersize plenty. And believe in it, btw. If I were given a couple thousand dollars to stay overseas and be with family, then met someone I "clicked" with and wanted to stay overseas - I could see myself choosing to stay. I'd like to think I would call or write and explain myself somewhat and not make the one I cheated on call my mom to find out if I'm alive. But yeah, I can sort of see where she was coming from to an extent.

 

I've also had to sort out issues I see in myself that led to the general feeling in her which would make something like this possible. Not right or OK, just possible.

 

 

yea doing it may be a bit sketchy because if you truly cant find anything you did wrong you may feel defeated...your ex doesnt sound very sensitive..ive been following your story

[giuliano-3]

yea doing it may be a bit sketchy because if you truly cant find anything you did wrong you may feel defeated...your ex doesnt sound very sensitive..ive been following your story

 

That's the thing, while together she was very sensitive and made me feel very wonderful in all ways. Our relationship was filled with many outside ups and downs but we always stayed close. No arguments ever is probably a bad thing, though. She has abandonment issues, I knew one day they might rear their ugly head in our relationship. What I don't get is how she can be with this other guy in a LD relationship and still feel the need to string me along LD also. I've never cheated or even two-timed while dating, I think our emotional make-up is very different.

 

I can't blame her though, she's young and immature. I may envision us one day getting back together but I never think of that in an immediate sense. I know it will take her (and myself) years to get to a point where we could start over fresh. Soooo, thats why I'm so conflicted right now. How can she love both me and this other guy? She's probably driving herself crazy, probably gonna make her do unhealthy things but I can't think about that right now. Just two days ago I laid the foundation for asking a new girl out. And now these new text messages...I know I can't date anyone new while there are still ongoing issues with the ex. How can I resolve this without breaking NC? I really don't want to be with her right now, but still care tremendously about her and remember both the good times and bad times vividly. Aaaaargh! This sucks!