My story

[Flicoz]

I havent done this before so I am not sure where to start....

 

Im a 28 yearold australian girl, travelling for 2-3 years in the UK (london based), and seeing europe when i can... after leaving my man back home (37), and he was a bit immature at times..

 

Within the first 2-3 months - on a trip to ireland, I met this handsome tall guy named Gavin. We really had the best night, and the next day he met me and my friend for lunch. then next weekend, he paid for me to come over - and stay. Everything about the weekend was perfect. and we hit it off, we started carrying a long distance. Gavin was also out of a relationship - (engaged but pulled away). I met Gavins family, he said the most of amazing things, we talked everyday, he treated me better than anyone ever has, a gentleman.

 

He started, well we both did, get carried away after xmas, talking about moving to another city together - him going back to australia with me at the end of my 2 years. He was just so thoughtful, when my neice was born, he sent a present, and a card over with her name on it, got me a deal on TV, paid for everything, and got me a diamond necklace at xmas from Tiffany. his only issue is he snored like a train!!! Even when i was ill at xmas, he came over, looked after me, filled our fridge up..... (i honestly think he would have done anything for me)

 

We went back to my parents in Oz, he met them, everyone loved him.

I introduced him to friends - I was very happy.

 

However - we went away to Paris for the weekend, and he told me he loved me - got a bit emotional at the time - however we started talking about our ex's for the first time. then later in the hotel, he called me her name! It ruined everything, he then messed up again when we were going on the plane..... I couldnt understand why this was.....

 

We returned back had a week, and he came down to see me again - I had been a bit standoff ish after this point.... We had a good day out, however my flat mate, was seeing holes in our relationship and told, me explaining that I am better living single life, as I am not ready for this..... I think she was right... I then acted a bit wierd with him, he could sense it, and asked me if I was going to see him again? I could see him fight a tear back (i was trying to fight them myself.. a week later I was sent to the USA on work. - for a month. in that time, he fbooked me, called me, txted me.... alot, I didnt give him much back...... we spoke on my return, but by that time I had made a promise to not be weighed down, and do what i want - when i want..... and not to be in this relationship.... I finally took some courage to email him - than call, as he is very persuasive and i melt at his accent...... i emailed him, told him the above, and he emailed me a larger email, telling me, how he was dissapointed, and couldnt understand why I want to end it.....

 

The thing is I have never been treated this way, and I am asking LShackers, do you think I have made the right decision??? I was hurt by my first long time love 18-24. Or is there too much to see and do, and is it healthy to have a break for now? I do miss him....... however I didnt like his reaction when we split, he deleted me from FB, and he emailed/txt me alot - especially when drunk.....

 

What do I do? and have I made the right decision?

 

 

 

The guy is really the nicest man I have ever met both a gentleman and generous, and worry that i might never find someone that treats me like that, however, I also didnt come over here to be with anyone, and to find myself..... I dont want to hurt him either, that why I think i was shying away.....

 

Flic

[Flicoz]

to add to this, I also have never felt chemistry with someone like Gavin, we were close intimate, got on so well, I just feel if I give myself to him that will be this adventure over, and ill be restricted doing what i want to do?

[Chi townD]

Okay, Let me see if I got this straight.....

 

The con's.... he snores....

He accidentally called you by his Ex's name AFTER you guy's just got done talking about your Ex's. And he got upset when you dumped him (understandable)

 

The Pro's

 

this guy treated you like a Princess. I never saw where you mentioned that he hit you or belittled you in any way shape or form. Flew from Ireland to Austrailia (which is pretty damn expensive) just to be with you. Your family loves the guy. Took care of you while you were sick, did the shopping for you while you were ill. Bought you a Diamond necklace, took you to Paris. And is a sweet and caring guy.

 

Yeah, I can see where you would want to dump him.

 

Really? To tell you the truth, guy's like him don't come around too often in life. Women get so hung up on dating the bad boys that they don't realize that one day, they start treating them badly. Guy's like Irish are few and far in between. But, don't worry. With the morals and traits you described that he has in this thread and how he treats a woman; he won't be single for long.

[Flicoz]

Hi thanks. No he flew down from Ireland to London - where I'm based.

 

I just am not sure at his reaction when I said I want to cool the pressure he Sent me some drunken txts, long emails,

 

I have booked a trip away in summer but was thinking of writing him an email to see how he is.. I was straight with him.

 

He would have to mve and give up hs job, I don't want to be responsible In case it all goes wrong..

 

I really am confused he did treat me so well, gave me an iPhone as well, sent me flowers when he knew I was having a bad week...

 

I'm scared if I don't decide I'll lose him... But then again I have my travels to compensate???

[Chi townD]

Well, you have to ask yourself some soul searching questions...

 

Are you attracted to him?

Can you picture yourself with someone else in your life?

Can you picture someone else in his?

 

And the most important question of all....

 

Are you in love with him?

 

Or...do you just love what he does for you?

[Mack05]

to add to this, I also have never felt chemistry with someone like Gavin, we were close intimate, got on so well, I just feel if I give myself to him that will be this adventure over, and ill be restricted doing what i want to do?

 

Flic,

 

I kind of feel the need to reply here. I am Irish, living in Dublin. I see alot of myself in Gavin. In that I too am kind and generous. I treat girls with respect. But like Gavin I am a demon for the long emails and texts and probably not a good person to be in a relationship with when I am not happy within myself.

 

Correct me if I am reading this wrong, but you dumped the guy because he called you his ex's name!? That is not enough reason to dump someone and if you look further into it you will realise to that there is something else missing. The best thing right now is NO CONTACT and distance. Staying with someone because you are lonely, or you have great chemistry, or they treat you better then anyone else is not enough of a reason to stay with them. You have to love this person, all of them. Through good and bad times and ALWAYS be there for them. I mean if your breaking up over that what happens when serious problems in life come? And believe me they come for us all.

 

If I am Gavin I would run for the hills. Maybe you have issues from your past you have never dealt with, maybe you just don't love him (are their personality traits you don't like?). Either way if I was him, I would want a girl that loves me for all of me and not what I do for her when things are going well. When will some girls realise its not up to the guy to make them happy. It's up to both of you to be really happy in a healthy, nourishing, loving relationship and no disrespect that doesn't sound like you and Gavin's relationship. He deserves better in my opinion and you do too. I'm not saying your a bad person, I know you not, but to break up with him over something so silly and juvenile is sad to be honest. If you search you will find there is more then just that, there has to be. I nearly called my latest ex by another ex's name. In truth they looked alike but I can assure you it meant nothing and I am 99% sure Gavin's ex means nothing to him. Sure it hurts to hear (esoecially in Paris!) but if this guy was special to you then you would have forgiven him. I mean he does all these nice things for you, yet it's the one mistake you get hung up on?

 

The problem nowdays is that people quit too easily in relationships. They give their hearts too easy and quickly and take it away even quicker again.

I would take some time apart and figure out what u want. No matter how tempting it is do not contact him or reply to his texts/emails. Give it 3-5 weeks. I promise you things will start to clear up..There are plenty of Gavin's out there but there will be one who ticks all the boxes. If you get back with him let it be for the right reasons...

 

Hope it works out for you..

[Flicoz]

Thanks. I have to also say we haven't seen each other since end of march - I did find myself opening up told him things like I have never felt at home with someone... Like him. We were so easy and it worked!!

 

But now the insecurity I have seen, and his reaction which is nit the strong 6ft3 man I met.. When drunk he has texted some things, probably frustration...

 

He deleted me from fb, so I blockec him, but yet we are still in contact... Over mail.

 

It's hard but I know if i let this happen I know I am not ready but then again I totally opened up to him, i have never done that...

 

I guess time will tell

[Flicoz]

Ok, well i emailed him, as he text me at the weekend, to apologise for being drunk..... he has some points, i still am confused....

 

but i wrote

 

[FONT=Tahoma]"have read every single text and email you have sent me, so I have not been ignoring you. It is just disappointing for me that even when I have been honest and up-front and told you what I wanted, that you have felt the need to send some pretty hurtful things to me. Clearly we did not end up wanting the same things - I just expected my decision to be accepted, rather than having it constantly thrown back at me.

 

But as you say, it is the drunken texts and you have apologised so, apology accepted. I hope that with this, you will not continue to send me things like you have.

 

I am getting on with life in London - not a weekend spare until the end of July. Lots on, and family coming over soon so it will be nice to see them. I hope you are too, and enjoying the sunnier weather with friends. You've got some great people around you, and I hope everyone is well and happy.

 

Best wishes for a great Summer,[/FONT]

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[FONT=Tahoma]he replied back[/FONT]

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[FONT=Tahoma][/FONT]

Hey you.

 

I sent you a short reply, as I was in a number of meetings yesterday, and carrying out staff annual reviews. Thanks again for reply, I did think I wouldn’t hear from yourself again to be honest.

 

While I maybe did offend you, most of it was out of frustration, but deep down you know me, and know how highly I think about you.

 

To explain my mind-set since i saw you - Within the space of 10 days we went from speaking everyday then discussions about me moving to be with you London/"you had met your man" - to trips away with - to call the pressure off. From where we were and where it went – of course I was frustrated what guy wouldn’t be! everyone including myself was pretty surprised.

 

As for wanting different things at - times I would say yes and at times no. When you are happy and making someone smile, and its reflected back in the same feeling - then of course you want more– feeling at home, we were easy, the chemistry, able to sit and relax, everything seemed to work (apart from my snoring - it might have made me look further ahead I admit that - but I would have reigned it in – if I knew we were going to see each other but no plans were forth-coming from your end and then came the confusion and ultimately frustration from which I have never experienced…

 

However I want to make it clear - it’s no one’s fault and I would never have tried to interfere in any of your plans – it’s just life, people make their own happiness, and if you choose not to see someone again then it’s not meant to be, I moved too fast (I regret that) - You know I am a big believer in everything happens for a reason, and I’m sure that this will be no different. I understand you need to find yourself – that was always the case - I was 1year ahead of you in terms of my situation …. indeed I had to find myself last year - then this hot Aussie came along at the right time - I was having the time of my life - the rest is history.

 

Anyway I am happy to be friends, I might not be in the country after the end of summer anyway pending next Thurs.

 

Rather than email maybe drop a call or whatever as this is long and wasn’t meant to be….

I will leave it with you –

until then I’ll be there for you

as I promised."

 

 

Ok so he is now saying he might be out of the country? is this a test? can someone help im confused trying to do the right thing, but i miss him.... but i dont want to hurt him either - I just dont know if its worth it - he is kind of emotional no?? God why is this so hard???

[Flicoz]

Can anyone offer advice? Hv I done right thing?

[Mack05]

Flic,

 

I think you have 2 choices. 1) Move on. The summer is coming up and if I were you I would maintain no contact. I had the same problems with my ex, back and forth without reallly getting anywhere. She was really cruel at the end of our relationship. All I wanted was closure and she dumped me over the phone! Real classy. Anyway there has been no contact for 3 weeks and I have used that space to firstly learn how I can be a better person, to focus on myself. It was very hard not really getting closure, but I have started the process of letting go, forgiving her and moving on. I think she has even met someone already. Ces't le vie. If it's meant to be and you feel the same way about each other after the summer then by all means go for it. But space right now will give you the time to make sense out of all this.

 

2) Go somewhere really quiet for a Long weekend (Fri-Mon) in say maybe 2 weeks. Think about what you want to say, where you feel the relationship went wrong and what you can do to put it right. Maybe after a heart to heart weekend it might be clearer what you both want.

 

Good luck

[Flicoz]

Thanks,

 

What do you think of our communication in last emails?

My email - was it to the point?

 

and his??

 

Maybe you can read more than I can???

[Mack05]

Thanks,

 

What do you think of our communication in last emails?

My email - was it to the point?

 

and his??

 

Maybe you can read more than I can???

 

Flic you seem like 2 really decent people who just met at the wrong time. Alot of life is about timing. I have met maybe 2 girls in my life that if the timing had been better we could have got married. I for one don't believe in soulmates. I think there are many people out there that we can settle down with and be happy with. If you wanted my advice, I would leave it be for a few months. Maybe he is leaving the country, maybe not. Things seem to have ended well. I know in the past I have left things end well, only for one or the other to break no contact and then things couldn't possibly end worse. If you still feel the same way about him after the summer then do all you can to be with him. If he truly loves you and its meant to be he will wait for you. Use the time apart to figure out what went wrong and how you can put it right.

 

Looks like you guys moved really fast. That can happen when 2 people have real chemistry. You go from A-Z really quickly (skipping through so many phases) without really getting to know each other, without building a proper foundation on where the relationship can thrive and move forward. Then when you get to Z your like thinking this isn't how it supposed to be. From my own experience no contact is the best way to go. Have both of you agree to it and don't promise each other anything (Like I will call you in September). The time apart will give you clarification. If you stay in contact things will get even messier. You are both really confused and when 2 people are like you end up in a vicious circle, which is really hard to break the pattern of.

 

Your family is coming over and it seems you have alot on. I would spend this time focusing on yourself. Pick up some new hobbies, go to the gym etc etc. Instead of going ove rin your head what if, what if, What if, try do something positive for yourself everyday. I promise you even before the end of summer things will be ALOT clearer for you. If it's meant to be you will have 40 more summers together so don't worry about missing out on stuff. All that matters now is to do the right thing by yourself and by each other..

[Flicoz]

Mack thanks....

 

"All that matters now is to do the right thing by yourself and by each other.. "

 

I think thats what we are doing? i think you are right, what will be will be....

I miss him but determined to go not contact now....

 

His point about being there for me, really just sums, him up so nice, we got on amazing, my first boyfriend was alot older, wealthy, and i was so in love with him, he ended up cheating on me, after 6 years after I moved, my other boyfriend I left behind he had anger issues, and I never had sexual with him for over 8 months, as he said I needed to lose weight, and didnt find me attractive...!!!? then Gav comes along, maybe he was a rebound?!? he certainly gav me confidence - its wierd I went to see a sychic before I left OZ, and she said I would meet someone in the first year - that absolutley was crazy for me, or words to that effect......

 

I am attracting attention, and I feel good about myself, now - maybe Gav was what I needed at that point of my life..... Im ready to see London/Europe... and meet new people, now strings, the worlds my oyster?? no one to report to??!?

 

You seem to have been through all of this before? I take it it works itself out?

[Mack05]

Flic,

 

I am going through it now. I met a girl from Brazil who I had amazing chemistry with. Sadly I was in a very bad place in my life when we met last September and it ended in March. I found it very hard to let go. I thought she was the person that would make me happy, but now I realise I am the only person that can make me happy. So I'm back in the gym a few months, working my butt off. Feeling alot better, doing little postive things everyday. I know what your going through. When I lost her I was thinking I won't find anyone as beautiful as her, as sweet as her, as charismatic as her etc etc.

 

But now that I have had time and space, I realise with our differences in personality it would never have worked. Plus she was really horrible to me at the end when I was at rock bottom. I made mistakes don't get me wrong, but I certainly didn't deserve her cold cruel way of dealing with me when we were breaking up, especially since I had done SOOO many nice things for her. She had a bad past the poor thing. She certainly didn't deserve the hand that got dealt to her. In truth she has never dealt with what happened to her and she is very messed up. She doesn't realise just how messed up she actually is. A few months ago, I wanted to be the guy that made her happy but thats know impossible. I decided to forgive her (in my mind) for the cruel things she did and move on.

 

What I have learnt is that relationships tend not to work if you are not really happy within yourself going into them (if your lacking self esteem or have certain insecurities). I'm not ready to move on just yet (I tend to take my time) but hopefully I am lucky enough to meet a great girl I will be 100% happy within myself when we meet. I think if we are not happy within ourselves we tend to attract the wrong kind of people and my ex was definitely the wrong person for me. Nowhere near the sweet girl I thought she was. I am determined to learn from my mistakes, determined to be a better man.

 

It's not easy Flic, so I feel your pain but everyday it gets better and better...

[Flicoz]

Hey Mak I agree, I need to find myself, I came over here to explore and travel, like what many of my friends have done however im 28 now and most of them are hitting the married/settle age.

 

Im lucky enought, I play netbal, have a crazy flatmate, who I party with, although she will sleep with anything which I kind of dont like being out with her at times... howver making friends and meeting people, and experiences.

 

I am going to leave him be - he did so many nice things, everyone liked him, I could have gone and let him start a relationship, everything went well, we were perfect, but its the wrong time. hence the clearly want different things....

 

He is a tall good looking, generous guy, and made an impression on my family - however he doenst seem to handle areas out of his comfort - when i told him I want to cool the pressure, he gave me so much calls, texts, why how - cant be true.... but then again - up until paris, I was tellling him how much i cared, and wanted to be with him - and we should try this for real in the same city.... but then plans started to take over, and I wasnt ready to be with someone - it just hit me... he told me he loved me - I knew I couldnt give him what he wanted. And was terrible at saying it!

 

He deleted me from FB, I then blocked him - I think thats immature but he was the same in his actions....

 

I guess summer will tell - he was a gentleman, a true radiant and lovely guy, that was besotted by me, I have never really had that.

 

its not easy this? is it - I guess you have to give good vibes, and give yourself a shake eh?

 

I do worry i will wake up one day and regret this, but we cant help timing?

 

what do you think mack? im sorry for your situation, you must have liked her at the time tho? thought ahead?

[Mack05]

Flic,

 

Honestly I thought I loved her. She is the most beautiful girl I have ever laid eyes on. The way she has beaten her problems and created a new life for herself, really she is an amazing woman my ex. Still though If was feeling my best I would have figured it out after a month or two that we were too different. Now that I have had space, I know I never truly loved her, I just loved the way she made me feel about myself when I was low. I looked to her to make me happy and that was not fair on either of us..Up until the end she seemed to good to be true. Still though even though she was very cruel, I know she is still a good person with a lot to offer the right guy. She is just a bit messed up. That's why I forgave her. I'm using the time apart to reflect, focus on how I can be a better man, learn from my mistakes and get myself into the place in my life I was a 5 years ago. It's not easy but I am getting there day by day.

 

I see why Gavin called and texted alot. I did the EXACT same thing. It's not easy when you find someone you have REAL chemistry and have a special connection with, so when you feel it slipping away you try all you can to keep it. The irony of course being the more u text and call, your actually driving the person further and further away.

 

I think nearly every person has someone Flic that they say "what if". I don't think that ever goes away, but I truly believe what's meant to be is meant to be. I travelled Oz when I was 25 and LOVED it. You are now in a great spot. Your in Europe and this is once in a lifetime stuff. Do you really want to lose out on opportunities because you were feeling sorry for yourself and moping around? Flic if you don't enjoy these few months you will never forgive yourself. Oz was the best year if my life and it has given me a lifetime full of amazing memories. Let this trip do the same for you.

Edited May 12, 2011 by Mack05

[Flicoz]

Agreed, you sound a bit like Gav to be honest - I think it was perhaps wrong, time.

 

I was rather abrupt with Gav also, I didnt respond to calls, etc... He keeps in contact with my friends fiance, messages guys stuff football mainly - one is man u one is liverpool fan.....

 

And your are right, the guy just likes me, he didnt really do anything wrong, its the wrong time.

 

I will have a summer, not contact him, and take it from there......

 

thanks Mack. big help, however i just do worry you meet someone in life that a what if yeh, but he really was a keeper just not at this time.... the fact i took him to meet mum dad.... I have never done that so soon...

 

I miss him, but I have to keep NC. I think that yur ex prob a bit like me!

 

funny olf world we live in....

 

Thanks again.

[Flicoz]

wow, I did the same, I asked him down for a weekend, (despite advising that I wanted to cool it off.... I did want to have a last weekend with him to see how it was.... He arrived a bit frosty, we talked and talked, it seemed fine, then my flatmate was wanting me single so she had a gal to hang out with, I sort of listened to her. We went out at night, then had a great day on the sunday together - we spoke about stuff, I could see his eyes filling up, he knew what I wanted to do, to cool it, I was in tears when he left to go home that night. But I knew I had too.... and that was the last I saw of him, I told me we can work this, and to believe in him..... but I went to Oz, and realised all the reasons why I came over to the UK. Its not the right time.

 

I think about him everyday, but then I think about what I have planned, Greek island hopping, madrid, turkey, germany, barcelona.... to name a few....

 

and he his last words are - "if you need ever me for anything, il be there for you".... just the nicest guy.

Edited May 12, 2011 by Flicoz

[Mack05]

Flic I think you need to let him go. If you are not ready, I'm sure there is a girl out there that is. I wasn't ready when I met my ex. She is REALLY ready to settle down do the kids thing (she has moved onto another guy already). I just wasn't ready when we met and had to leave go, so I could get my own personal issues sorted. It's horrible to leave go an amazing person. U wonder what if I don't meet someone like them. I leaned on my ex alot and very early days too. She wasn't ready or able to deal with a guy who had problems like me. Also, we went waaaayyy to fast. My point is I know how hard it is to let go, but the right thing to do is to let go. If you keep doing what u guys are doing you will eventually end up REALLY hurting each other. Trust me I know. It ended well at the start with my ex and then she broke no contact, then I did and before you know it she is making ridiculous treats about contacting the police if I ever contact her again. I think if you guys stay in contact things could easily get nasty and you are both WAY better then that..

 

You will meet the right guy (have NO FEAR) about that. If you live your life in a positive way and your self belief doesn't waiver, you will meet the right guy. I miss my ex TERRIBLY. She was my best friend, she picked me up when I was down and I think about her alot. It's not easy, it's horrible but it's literally about picking yourself up from the bootstraps and getting through day after day (doing something positive along the way).

 

You have alot to look forward to. If Gavin is for you, after the summer you will find a way back to each other. If not then it was never meant to be. Just leave things in a way that you are promising each other nothing. Go live your life, do the exciting things you have lined up but whatever you do, do not break NC.

Edited May 12, 2011 by Mack05

[Flicoz]

thanks, I feel better, and thanks from a guys point of view its gonna be tough, but we will get there.... or I will....

[Mack05]

Flic I hope it works out for you. Take care

[Flicoz]

Update -

 

Ok so its now June, and a month later, I am on Facebook, and I see last night one of his friends posting a picture of a wedding that G was at - however he has a partner, a leggy, (model looking) girl whom i assume is his partner or girl he is seeing or with. I knew it wouldnt take him long, as he is good looking, and a great guy - and I to have met people when out and about, but G is a special guy..... and i really dont know if I can hold no contact all summer.

 

Im very confused, feel like contacting him, and indeed he is leaving the country - again noticed through someone commmenting as I have blocked him on FB - i think its end of the summer he leaves.

 

While I will have a ball where I am, and the plans I have to travel - I just find it hard not to contact him - to be fair he hasnt contacted me! - but I did initiate all this...

 

and on reflection teh only crime he commited was liking me!

[Mack05]

Flic,

 

I'm afraid (IMO) you will have to leave him move on. It always hurts our ego's when an ex moves on really fast. You weren't ready a month ago for something serious so things couldn't have changed drastically in only a month?. Are you 100% sure you want him back and that you are willing to be in a serious relationship with him? or is your ego hurt that he seemingly (you don't know for sure) has moved on so fast?

 

You guys aren't together, which means there was always a chance he was going to meet someone else while you were travelling (as you probably will). You need to think long and hard if you want to open this can of worms and you might have to be prepared to hear something you don't want to hear. Only you can make this choice but if I were you I would leave it.

 

If you feel compelled to break no contact, then I'm sure there are people on this forum that would give you better advice on the best way to go about that.

[Flicoz]

thanks, I guess i am worried how much this almost perfect guy is in my thoughts - however I am too much a free spirit right now....

 

He did have my heart for a short time, but i realise I have never been single for long, and need to find myself.....

 

Maybe I am freaking out - as I really have never seen anyone care or show there like for me as much.....

[Flicoz]

Hey, here is my update - the summer is now nearly over the nights are drawing in, the parties in the heat are now beginning to come to and end.

 

It was just under a year ago, I was in Gavs home town, and we met, and really had some of the most amazing times.

 

I still wonder if we hadnt split, what would have happened where would I be, but then again I would not have had my freedom - I am going home next year on after my 30th and the Games.

 

Gav is now working abroad - I recieved an email from him ( but it was a group email) advising he is leaving to work abroad.

 

I didnt reply I felt I hurt him to much, and the amount of late text's and emails which hurt me, I wasnt going to.... however I think he was expecting one!...

 

I unblocked him for one day and noticed he still has all my friends on his FB which is a bit annoying, to be fair i still have some of his that i met....

 

I wonder sometimes should i contact him - i feel a bitch, sometimes, at how I was selfish, should I feel that way?

 

DO you think trying to be friends would open up wounds?

 

let me know....