InAMuddle Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Me and my ex broke up about 9 months ago, the reasons behind us splitting up where my fault i broke her trust and she left. she has had another bf within these 9 months but it didnt last very long and i seen her for the first time last weekend. Although this is my first post here i used this forum an aweful lot to help me get through our split, NC etc really helped me to get on with my life. Since speaking to her briefly when i saw her by chance we have spoke quite a lot via facebook. last night we went out to "catch up" on the last 9 months had something to eat and a real long chat. Before last night i thought id done quite well with the moving on but the truth is after seeing her theres nothing i would like more than to try and start a fresh. i have made many changes for the better of these 9 months and she can see them, im not the person she left anymore nor am i the same person she fell in love with 6 years ago. i just dont know how to appoach the situation now, ive asked her if we can go out again and she said she would like to see me again but as friends. im not naive enough just to expect us to be back in a relationship but i know thats really what i want, i would sooner have her as a friend than nothing but in the end i want to try and start a fresh. Im starting to feel the same way i did when we first split up now, constantly thinking about her just wishing things where good between us and its getting me down quite a lot, im probably beating myself us coz im back to thinking that i was stupid enough to lose the only thing i really want. I now dont really know what to do, do i keep up the contact which will no doubt keep me feeling this way in the hope things may start to move forward between us or do i take a step back collect my thoughts and try to really move on with my own life. any advice would be really really appreciated
PegNosePete Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Dude she is friendzoning you. If she wanted you back then she would have said yes. But she did not, therefore she does not. She wants you as a friend, that is the nail in the coffin for any relationship. Tell her that you cannot be just friends with her because it is too painful, and that if she will not give you another chance then you will have to break contact. And mean it.
smudge21 Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Hang on, you broke her trust, she met someone else whilst seperated and now she's coming back and wanting to spend time with you. I'm pretty sure she could spend time with many other 'friends', all of which have never broke her trust. So you have to ask yourself why is she showing me this interest now. If it's just to be friends, then why? I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who had betrayed me, male or female, unless... I still had very strong feelings for them. See it from her viewpoint. She lost faith in you and lost that trust you'd built up. It's gonna' take a while for that to be rebuilt, if indeed it can. You've got all the work to do here, but you have to take it at her pace. You can't force the issue as you'll only push her away. Be her friend for now but be honest with her that the idea of re-starting what you had is something you'd be very interested in. Just keep it light hearted and pleasant, not pushy and aggresive. Learn from whatever mistakes you made. Good luck.
Author InAMuddle Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 thanks very much guys i could very well be setting myself up for a fall here i knew that when i started talking with her again but i guess i thinks its worth the risk. i didnt outright ask her to get back with me but she not stupid enough not to see thats what id like more than anything, she does however drop the friends line quite often so maybe she is trying to tell me something here. on the other side i like to hope some of what you said smudge is true, she has her own life away from me and has no need to keep me in her life as a friend and like you say considering what i did to her why would she want to. after i seen her on a night out i sent her a msg on fb just to say wish we had proper caught up last night and i hope shes well, to give perspective as to why i thought maybe everything is not totally lost her response was "It was prob not good time to catch up tho first proper time seein you after 9 months i aint goin lie it killed me and went home early lol am such a dick i suppose i just presumed after so long i wud be ok. Anyway my mums ok she bit of a pain i moved in with my dad he is doing ok. Hope ur ok" i know shes not exactly sounding desperate to get back into a relationship but it did at the time give me a little hope i guess. thanks for the advice againi think i will try follow what u said smudge and take it slow and just see what happens if i have set myself up to b hurt again then at the end i go back to NC and just try get on with my own life
smudge21 Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Just go in there with a clear head. You messed up before and she's maybe concerned that it will happen again, although she's clearly still interested. Personally, if this was my situation and I started talking to my ex again, I would want her (as the dumper) to pretty much show me she can be trusted and did want me. I would make her work for it. See it from her viewpoint and for now just be a great friend. You're not just trying to get her love back, but also her trust.
Author InAMuddle Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 ive no doubt she will be worried that it would happen again. she left an aweful lot when she left me and i dont just mean our 5 year relationship im sure it was very hard for her to leave everything of her life behind because of something i did. i really appreciate the advice it helps a lot and i will do as you advise and see where it leads
PegNosePete Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 I guarantee it will lead to a shedload of pain and frustration for you. You have been friendzoned dude. If she wanted you back she would have said something. She wants to use you as an emotional tampon, nothing more.
Author InAMuddle Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 i hope your wrong pegnosepete but irregardless i do think she is worth the risk of being hurt again, if i go the other way and break off contact again i'll always wonder if i did the right thing, at least this way i will know one way or the other. funnily enough the original split was something i think i really needed to help me grow up. i learned some hurtful lessons the hardest possible way and ive no doubt they helped motiviate me to bassically grow up and become a better person in general
Leda Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 "It was prob not good time to catch up tho first proper time seein you after 9 months i aint goin lie it killed me and went home early lol am such a dick i suppose i just presumed after so long i wud be ok. Anyway my mums ok she bit of a pain i moved in with my dad he is doing ok. Hope ur ok" I think you are right to have hopes that she still has more-than-friends feelings. It seems like one of those cases worth taking an emotional risk for, especially since you've changed a lot in the past 9 months in terms of what you can offer to the relationship. Just stay emotionally brave and gentle with yourself and her, and don't play any games. If it becomes clear that you are being used as PegnosedPete suggested (I don't think you are), then you can make a clean break with no regrets.
Author InAMuddle Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 thanks again for the help everyone, it honestly does help i think its worth the risk as u say, i'll update on how things turn out
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