Lovestruck

[LauRose]

I started seeing my MM about a year and half ago now. It began as something casual. The second time me we saw each other he told me he was in a relationship with a woman, but that she was not in the country, he also said the goal was for her to come over to be with him in the near future but he described it as "not a real relationship". Their relationship was arranged by their families 12 years prior.

 

About 3-4 months into it realized I was starting to develop feelings for him. I would get excited when I knew I was going to see him and I found myself holding back during our physical interactions because I didn't want to come across as touchy, feely, or overly involved in any way. At this point, we had a veiled conversation about emotions, etc and he concluded by telling me he didn't want to monopolize my time and to look for men who were more available than he in the long-term. His plan was to get into law school and be with his gf.

 

Something started nagging me, so one day I went through his things and found photos from his wedding and learned his wife was pregnant. He married her a month before he met me. I never confronted him with this. I live by the old adage...you go looking for crap, you will find crap. Thus I should keep my mouth shut and wait for it to unfold some other way. I really hoped he would eventually tell me.

 

I decided I didn't want to give up our connection (as she was halfway around the world) and kept seeing him. He suggested I see other people or keep my eyes open for a potential relationship as he would not be able to promise me anything in the long-term. Over the course of the next few months I began to get out and meet people. I ran into an old acquaintance who'd always been interested so I decided to go out with him. Trouble was, the entire time I was with him I kept going to my MM in my head. I was very distracted during the date and I felt I was being rude but couldn't stay focused.

 

About a month into dating this guy my MM found something in my car that made him think I'd been physical with someone else. He was furious. A fight ensued and he questioned me about the men in my life and by the end of it we both admitted we were in love. We entered into an official committed relationship then. He usually visits his home during the holidays, but that year he went with me to meet my family. Huge deal because I hadn't brought anyone home in over a decade. We had a blast, I've never enjoyed my family so much. But three weeks after we got back I learned I was pregnant and he would barely talk to me for weeks. He felt betrayed, and lamented about how he was going to have to explain it to his family and this woman he is committed to. It took some time, but he slowly came around, though things remained slightly strained between us.

 

At four months I lost the baby and our relationship has slowly fallen back into the pre-pregnancy bliss state. He cooks for me, dotes over me, wants me all the time, we have wonderfully intellectual/analytical conversations, he is genuinely interested in what's going on in my life, and provides a lot of insight and knowledge on a variety of areas.

 

Now he has been accepted into Law School in New York and is moving about 3000 miles away from me in addition his wife/gf and child have their Visa's approved and will be relocating to the US to join him after he relocates. I've never been the OW before and I'm not the sharing type. So now that she is coming and he is relocating I'm feeling very uneasy. He wants to continue our relationship, and admittedly so do I. His intent is to bring me into his family (there are strict culturally based expectations) so that I am included in all aspects of his life.

 

I'm not one of those overly romantic type of women. I can roll with the best of guys on emotional expression (no offense to those of you who are more sensitive), yet with him I've turned into a much milder, softer, younger version of myself. Everyone around me has remarked at the changes in my behavior and his influence in my life has bolstered me enough to make progress in a few stagnant areas of my life, most notably I've lost a considerable amount of weight since we started seeing each other and I'm getting a lot of attention from guys and feeling really great about myself. Yet, I'm not remotely interested in anyone but him.

 

This is not what I envisioned for myself but everything about him feels right except for the fact that he is married. There is also a part of me that is starting to feel guilty because she is coming. I rationalize it now because he is only sleeping with me, but eventually he will be sleeping with both of us and that is beyond not cool. He often expresses concern about what I'll do for physical gratification once he's relocated. He wants me to visit him in New York and stay with him in the house with his family. Of course, they wouldn't know the true nature of the relationship.

 

I am seriously considering this life (of sorts) with him. Am I completely crazy? I can see the obvious negatives, but can any of you see anything positive coming out of this.

[RRM]

I am seriously considering this life (of sorts) with him. Am I completely crazy? I can see the obvious negatives, but can any of you see anything positive coming out of this.

 

From what you've written, I don't see that the positives would outweigh the negatives. It sounds like you'd be unwilling to share him with his wife, so I can't really see thing working for the long term.

 

Would you be willing to move to NYC for him? Would you move to NYC if he wasn't in the picture?

 

Good luck no matter what you decide.

[Kismetly]

I am seriously considering this life (of sorts) with him. Am I completely crazy? I can see the obvious negatives, but can any of you see anything positive coming out of this.

 

So ... r u considering a polygamous relationship with this man?

[LauRose]

I am considering being his "mistress" for the long term. I have no intentions on seeking any other relationship as long as I'm involved with him.

[thissecretgirl]

I am considering being his "mistress" for the long term. I have no intentions on seeking any other relationship as long as I'm involved with him.

 

Think very carefully about this commitment. I know someone very close to me who has been in that position for many many many years. She loves him, but would she make the same choice again? I honestly dont think she would. Its a half life you are signing up to.

I realise that so far you may have been able to spend decent amounts of time together, but this could be very different once he is in NYC with his wife and daughter and study commitments. Not only that you will be in a completely different place without your usual support network. I did something similar when I was the OW and moved across the world to be his long term partner. Although I dont regret living in this beautiful place, my MM would not leave his daughters and the four years I was with him were sometimes very lonely times.

There may be no holidays, no days out walking round the city holding hands and maybe no children of your own. A life time of waking up a lone.

 

Sure there will be great times, but the downtimes may well outweigh these.

 

I understand what you are saying about other partners. I felt the same way too; no one matched him or how I felt about him. But do you know what? Noone ever would as long as I was with him and my heart was his.

 

I learned once I was out of the affair, that there was another man for meand whatsmore he more that match up to him (I didnt think it possible), so much so that I hardly think about my ex anymore.

 

Whatever you decide, I wish you well. Good luck.

[LauRose]

Think very carefully about this commitment. I know someone very close to me who has been in that position for many many many years. She loves him, but would she make the same choice again? I honestly dont think she would. Its a half life you are signing up to.

 

I never imagined I'd entertain the idea of a life like this, and I do understand that there are significant negatives or drawbacks...yet at the same time I can't seem to get beyond the fact that I am in love with him in a way that far exceeds anything I've experienced before.

 

I realise that so far you may have been able to spend decent amounts of time together, but this could be very different once he is in NYC with his wife and daughter and study commitments. Not only that you will be in a completely different place without your usual support network. I did something similar when I was the OW and moved across the world to be his long term partner. Although I dont regret living in this beautiful place, my MM would not leave his daughters and the four years I was with him were sometimes very lonely times.

There may be no holidays, no days out walking round the city holding hands and maybe no children of your own. A life time of waking up a lone..

This is what bothers me most.

 

I understand what you are saying about other partners. I felt the same way too; no one matched him or how I felt about him. But do you know what? Noone ever would as long as I was with him and my heart was his..

Very, very good point. Thank you for putting it that way.

[thissecretgirl]

I never imagined I'd entertain the idea of a life like this, and I do understand that there are significant negatives or drawbacks...yet at the same time I can't seem to get beyond the fact that I am in love with him in a way that far exceeds anything I've experienced before.

 

 

This is what bothers me most.

 

 

Very, very good point. Thank you for putting it that way.

 

Its a pleasure LauRose.

 

Look, I felt exactly the same way as you do. I absolutely loved that man with every inch of my being. I packed everything up and shipped it across the world from the Uk to Australia.

I'm not just trying to put a dampner on it. Infact I am all for people cahsing their dreams and I admit to being a bit of a romantic and idealist when it comes to love.

Just be in possession of the full facts and understand how it will most likely play out. He will have the added responsibility of having his child, plus his natural desire to want to sepnd time with the kid. He will have the added responsibility of helping his wife to settle in a newplace and so slipping away regularly could be a problem and on top of all that, he will have his studying commitments which will take priority. My own MM had his studying commitments on top of work and it really became difficult to manage.

 

I just know that there is someone else out there who not only matches up to him, but could even surpass what you feel now. You just have to look.

 

Whatever you decide I wish you all the best and good luck!

[carrie999]

Law school? He won't have time for his wife and child, let alone time to breathe. And given that he's willing to move across the country to attend a prestigious school in NYC, it sounds like he's the career-minded type who will try to make partner in a reputable firm. Even if you follow him there, he will likely be working 80-100 hours while in school and for years after he graduates.

 

Let me put the LDR affair in perspective for you. I live 60 miles from MM right now. The only reason we see eachother weekly now is that we are established friends. I'm moving to his area this month...not for him, but because I just graduated and that's the place for me to build my career, and I'll be much closer to family. Even by moving closer, that doesn't mean I'll spend much more time with him than I do right now. It'll make it easier to meet up for an hour here and there.

 

Yes, we've made it work even with our circumstances, but I cannot imagine being further apart than we already are. You and your MM have been in essentially an exclusive relationship with no limitations. Now you're adding distance and the presence of his wife and the presence of his child. To my mathematical mind, this isn't multiplying the complications of your already uncertain relationship by three...it's exponential. No matter what effort you make to fly there or move to his neighborhood, he's not going to have any time for you.

 

Maybe that's what you need, though. You claim you are emotionally detached to some extent, and you need less than most. That's easy to say when you have to be detached but still have him around. You're not needy, and I get that. But you cannot have a relationship with virtually no communication. I wonder how it will be a few months from now.

 

All you can do is let the cards fall, and go with it. Just take care of yourself, whatever may happen. Don't let him "throw you crumbs" (a popular expression here that makes sense to me).

[LauRose]

Maybe that's what you need, though. You claim you are emotionally detached to some extent, and you need less than most. That's easy to say when you have to be detached but still have him around. You're not needy, and I get that. But you cannot have a relationship with virtually no communication. I wonder how it will be a few months from now.

 

All you can do is let the cards fall, and go with it. Just take care of yourself, whatever may happen. Don't let him "throw you crumbs" (a popular expression here that makes sense to me).

 

I am not "detached" but definitely not needy. That's just more norm....with him I'm much more "attached" than I have been. For instance, in relationships I rarely do the overnight thing. Maybe once or twice a week. This is always a point of contention in every relationship. With him, I can be with him for days on end and never feel smothered.

 

I trying to decide what I want to do long term....and I'd like to decide before he leaves. I don't want to waste a year of my life waiting if it's for naught.

 

HUGE SIGH....

[26pointblue]

I considered this as well . . . it's funny, my xMM insisted he didn't think of me as his mistress or want me to be that, he always said he wanted to be with me for real [but without taking definitive action that stuck, to get us to that point] . . . but based on his lack of action I had to face the reality that what we were was a long-term affair, with him staying married albeit it unhappily & with his wife always re-finding out about us because he was sloppy and/or selfish and/or partly wanting to get caught & have a decision made for him. In my head at one point as long as we could keep his wife from finding out about us again then we could just go on like that & everything would be fine. I know that's messed up thinking, & mean to his wife, but I did think of it occasionally throughout the affair & especially the very last time that we were 'together' as a full-on affair that his wife didn't suspect yet because he had been 'good' for a couple months while we were totally off. I was very happy during that time & wished it could continue but I knew based on how often he was seeing me & his turmoil & confusion that showed all over that it would be short-lived & that his wife would find out again soon & that changes everything.

 

Anyway, my reasons for considering it may have been similar to yours, I'm not sure. My xMM didn't 'act' like I was his mistress, but like his partner. We saw each other all the time, we traveled together, we spent the night together sometimes, we went out in public & ate & drank & had fun, we spent time with our friends together [although a group of his friends knew/hung out with me & the rest didn't . . . same with my friends when it came to him . . . so that part was a double life that was hard to keep up with], etc. We had deep discussions, we were very much alike in many ways, I had this chemistry & connection with him I'd never felt with anyone else, & I always enjoyed being around him & with him. Yet at the same time I value my independence & space & it was nice to sometimes be able to go home alone & have only myself to answer to. He was sweet to me, romantic & good, & the sex was amazing. I have a stressful yet fulfilling career & never had the whole picket fence & two & a half kid dreams [i don't even think I want kids], so, I sometimes though, this situation works well for me, I don't really want to change it unless it would be to have him full-time, & that is something only he can change, not me, so I accept this as it is. I'll add here that xMM was wealthy & very chilvarious & liked to have a fun time, so I can't deny that it was nice having someone always buy drinks or dinner for me & my friends, always want to pay for anything we did including travel, etc. I guess the financial aspect helped me accept the situation but I also felt very emotionally fulfilled. That is the stage I was in when I first came to LS - but things change.

 

So the two big obstacles to this kind of arrangement are 1) as someone mentioned, it is really settling for half of a life with someone & half of their love. If you really love someone the tendency to want to be with them full-time & build a life with them does creep in a lot. Yeah you can balance that out with thinking that you are happy for what you have compared to not being with them, but those thoughts still come. And I don't know about your MM but mine was very possessive - he wanted me all to himself but he was still married. So sometimes that double standard really bothered me. And 2) everything changes when the wife finds out. What I thought was this special close bond with my xMM totally changed- he would only contact me when convenient & safe, he would lie to me about being with her or about the status of their marraige, he would put me very last on his priority list because he was busy making nice & playing Good Husband with her. It put him in a totally different light & made me start to lose respect for him. Plus I wanted more than he was giving me - I was okay with how things were before, but not anymore. I started to fill like I was in his wife's shoes-- everything was confusing & I would know he wasn't telling me the whole story but then he would act like I was crazy. It was not a fun place to be & the benefits no longer outweighed the positives for me.

 

I think I may have been happy to go on being his mistress forever if his wife hadn't found out. But I don't think that would have been the best path for me because I know logically that I deserve & want a full relationship. Also it would have been impossible because my xMm was very extreme & wanted to see me all the time & did crazy stuff that was just begging to be caught . . . & so he was caught over & over & over until finally his wife decided to kick him out & that's when our troubles began. Maybe he was being sloppy because he wanted her to stop him, or maybe he wanted her to get mad enough that she didn't want to be married to him anymore & it would be her idea . . . I don't know, but I know that what we had was over & maybe we both only wanted that but couldn't face/admit it, but when the crap hit the fan we both wanted out. I mean it was hard but he obviously wanted to stay married & I obviously wanted more than he could give me while he was trying to stay married. So I guess my advice to you if you do want to remain a mistress is try your best to make sure the wife doesn't find out because that changes everything. Which honestly can be for the best. Good luck.

[fooled once]

I started seeing my MM about a year and half ago now. It began as something casual. The second time me we saw each other he told me he was in a relationship with a woman, but that she was not in the country, he also said the goal was for her to come over to be with him in the near future but he described it as "not a real relationship". Their relationship was arranged by their families 12 years prior.

 

About 3-4 months into it realized I was starting to develop feelings for him. I would get excited when I knew I was going to see him and I found myself holding back during our physical interactions because I didn't want to come across as touchy, feely, or overly involved in any way. At this point, we had a veiled conversation about emotions, etc and he concluded by telling me he didn't want to monopolize my time and to look for men who were more available than he in the long-term. His plan was to get into law school and be with his gf.

 

Something started nagging me, so one day I went through his things and found photos from his wedding and learned his wife was pregnant. He married her a month before he met me. I never confronted him with this. I live by the old adage...you go looking for crap, you will find crap. Thus I should keep my mouth shut and wait for it to unfold some other way. I really hoped he would eventually tell me.

 

I decided I didn't want to give up our connection (as she was halfway around the world) and kept seeing him. He suggested I see other people or keep my eyes open for a potential relationship as he would not be able to promise me anything in the long-term. Over the course of the next few months I began to get out and meet people. I ran into an old acquaintance who'd always been interested so I decided to go out with him. Trouble was, the entire time I was with him I kept going to my MM in my head. I was very distracted during the date and I felt I was being rude but couldn't stay focused.

 

About a month into dating this guy my MM found something in my car that made him think I'd been physical with someone else. He was furious. A fight ensued and he questioned me about the men in my life and by the end of it we both admitted we were in love. We entered into an official committed relationship then. He usually visits his home during the holidays, but that year he went with me to meet my family. Huge deal because I hadn't brought anyone home in over a decade. We had a blast, I've never enjoyed my family so much. But three weeks after we got back I learned I was pregnant and he would barely talk to me for weeks. He felt betrayed, and lamented about how he was going to have to explain it to his family and this woman he is committed to. It took some time, but he slowly came around, though things remained slightly strained between us.

 

At four months I lost the baby and our relationship has slowly fallen back into the pre-pregnancy bliss state. He cooks for me, dotes over me, wants me all the time, we have wonderfully intellectual/analytical conversations, he is genuinely interested in what's going on in my life, and provides a lot of insight and knowledge on a variety of areas.

 

Now he has been accepted into Law School in New York and is moving about 3000 miles away from me in addition his wife/gf and child have their Visa's approved and will be relocating to the US to join him after he relocates. I've never been the OW before and I'm not the sharing type. So now that she is coming and he is relocating I'm feeling very uneasy. He wants to continue our relationship, and admittedly so do I. His intent is to bring me into his family (there are strict culturally based expectations) so that I am included in all aspects of his life.

 

I'm not one of those overly romantic type of women. I can roll with the best of guys on emotional expression (no offense to those of you who are more sensitive), yet with him I've turned into a much milder, softer, younger version of myself. Everyone around me has remarked at the changes in my behavior and his influence in my life has bolstered me enough to make progress in a few stagnant areas of my life, most notably I've lost a considerable amount of weight since we started seeing each other and I'm getting a lot of attention from guys and feeling really great about myself. Yet, I'm not remotely interested in anyone but him.

 

This is not what I envisioned for myself but everything about him feels right except for the fact that he is married. There is also a part of me that is starting to feel guilty because she is coming. I rationalize it now because he is only sleeping with me, but eventually he will be sleeping with both of us and that is beyond not cool. He often expresses concern about what I'll do for physical gratification once he's relocated. He wants me to visit him in New York and stay with him in the house with his family. Of course, they wouldn't know the true nature of the relationship.

 

I am seriously considering this life (of sorts) with him. Am I completely crazy? I can see the obvious negatives, but can any of you see anything positive coming out of this.

 

Why do you only think you would live this way for a year, as you implied in the post you wrote above?

 

Why do you think his WIFE is going to allow you to come to HER home and sleep in HER home, masquerading as a "family" friend? Are you really serious that you think she won't be able to figure it out? Women are NOT stupid; especially when it is in their face, as you would be.

 

I can't even image how or why you think this is a good idea. He hasn't been just intimate with you - HIS WIFE had his child and she didn't get that way alone or with a turkey baster.

 

You are living a fantasy life right now; not reality.

 

As Carrie said, once he enters law school, he will have little free time; and that free time should be spent with his CHILD, not his mistress. I mean, how can you even think to come between him and his child by making him CHOOSE to placate you or be with his baby? And what happens when his wife gets pregnant again? Are you going to try to get pregnant to hang onto him? I mean, if you are so 'needy' that you need to move to be near him, and when you realize he has little time for you, its not that far of a leap for you to get pregnant in order to keep him attached to you.

 

Why is he bothering having his wife get a VISA if he plans to keep you as his side mistress? If he really loved you, he would have ended the marriage; especially since you imply he has rarely seen his wife and daughter.

 

Is he planning to move you in as the maid or nanny to watch his child? That is such a thought; I sure hope that isn't in his strategy. And I would hope you think more of yourself than allow that to happen.

 

You love him. Got it. HE IS MARRIED and has made NO attempt to get divorced. HE LIED TO YOU and you accepted that. He has relegated you to his option, not his priority.

 

How do you have an "official committed relationship" with someone who is already committed to someone else?

 

Yeah, he's definitely got the characteristics for being a lawyer Sneaky, manipulative, dishonest, and egotistical.

 

If you expect his wife to step aside because you are sleeping with her husband; don't count on it. And if the relationship is truly 'arranged', then don't expect her family or his to welcome you. He is bringing shame upon his family.

 

Does your family know he is married? When you introduced him to your family during the holidays, did you tell them he is married and his wife was expecting their first child?

[LauRose]

Why do you only think you would live this way for a year, as you implied in the post you wrote above?

 

Does your family know he is married? When you introduced him to your family during the holidays, did you tell them he is married and his wife was expecting their first child?

 

I would respond to your post ad length, but I don't believe your intent was to be supportive or to encourage more dialogue on the topic. It was much more geared towards bashing so I won't extend myself further to be picked apart.

 

For the record, I don't believe this is something (his marriage) that will end casually or that it will have run it's course in a year. My reference to the year was more a statement of not wanting to be waiting for "even a year" I mis-stated that point. As for my family, I did not lie to my family if that's where you are going. Now I'm sure I'll get my family bashed for allowing a married man in the house (blah, blah, blah). My family is not in agreement with what is happening but I am still a part of that family and thus they accepted him because they care about me. At the time I took him home, his child had been born and yes my family was also aware of that.

[Woman In Blue]

Does this guy crap golden eggs or something? Because I can't think of ANY other reason why a woman - after finding out some lying loser has been conning her from DAY ONE and LYING about being married - would choose to have an affair with someone this LOW rather than kick his ass into next Tuesday.

 

Nope, I can't think of a single reason why anyone with ANY dignity, pride, or self esteem - at ALL - would do that.

 

ETA: You told the poster a few posts up, "I would respond to your post ad length, but I don't believe your intent was to be supportive or to encourage more dialogue on the topic."

 

Who, in their right mind, can be SUPPORTIVE of someone who chooses to be with a lying con man? Good luck with that.

Edited May 15, 2011 by Woman In Blue

[woinlove]

LauRose, from the bit you write, it sounds like you may not easily form close connections with others. If so, that may explain, why MM's deception toward you appears not to be a big deal to you. However, it seems like your A with MM has opened you up a bit and is changing you so what doesn't bother you now, might well bother you in the future.

 

Usually people who are capable of great intimacy and connection with others, feel bad about deceiving others and participating in deceit of others in this way. So, you might try to look forward into your life and make sure you treat others in a way that you will be happy with. If all is out in the open, and both MM and his W are happy to have you as his lover in their home, then this might suit your needs as well as his. If you are going to be a hidden secret, actively involved in deceiving his W, then it may ultimately result in a loss of self-esteem for you, which can take a long time to recover from. That happens frequently in these situations.

[daisy love]

Hi LauRose,

Your posts are breaking my heart. I'm sorry you are going thru this with your love. I'm sorry you lost your baby to, this is SO HARD.

I don't have any advise, just hugs.

 

(((BIG HUGS)))

[crazycatlady]

Let say for instance that his wife might be happy to accept you as a "sister wife" which who knows their culture, this is entirely possible.

 

You have said you are not comfortable sharing.

 

If you moved, I would insist on all cards being on the table. Wife must KNOW, not only that, I would insist with speaking to her about it first. And you must accept second place. Can you share him? I'm betting his culture, since this was an arranged marriage, divorce isn't going to happen. Ever. He will sleep with her, and sleep with you, but you will not have anyone outside of him. Can you accept that? Know what you are getting into before doing it.

 

I think its possible to love more then one person. I think its possible for multiple partners to make it work. But truth is something from now on must be insisted on, and you have to decide what you can take. Be honest with yourself. If you can't take sharing him (something I believe you have already said) then take the pain NOW and don't move. Don't make it worse by adding 3000 miles between you and your family and friends. Don't make it worse by seeing him and his wife together. Don't make it worse by having to switch jobs. Take the pain now, it sucks but life is painful at times.

[Rooke]

I considered this as well . . . it's funny, my xMM insisted he didn't think of me as his mistress or want me to be that, he always said he wanted to be with me for real [but without taking definitive action that stuck, to get us to that point] . . . but based on his lack of action I had to face the reality that what we were was a long-term affair, with him staying married albeit it unhappily & with his wife always re-finding out about us because he was sloppy and/or selfish and/or partly wanting to get caught & have a decision made for him. In my head at one point as long as we could keep his wife from finding out about us again then we could just go on like that & everything would be fine. I know that's messed up thinking, & mean to his wife, but I did think of it occasionally throughout the affair & especially the very last time that we were 'together' as a full-on affair that his wife didn't suspect yet because he had been 'good' for a couple months while we were totally off. I was very happy during that time & wished it could continue but I knew based on how often he was seeing me & his turmoil & confusion that showed all over that it would be short-lived & that his wife would find out again soon & that changes everything.

Anyway, my reasons for considering it may have been similar to yours, I'm not sure. My xMM didn't 'act' like I was his mistress, but like his partner. We saw each other all the time, we traveled together, we spent the night together sometimes, we went out in public & ate & drank & had fun, we spent time with our friends together [although a group of his friends knew/hung out with me & the rest didn't . . . same with my friends when it came to him . . . so that part was a double life that was hard to keep up with], etc. We had deep discussions, we were very much alike in many ways, I had this chemistry & connection with him I'd never felt with anyone else, & I always enjoyed being around him & with him. Yet at the same time I value my independence & space & it was nice to sometimes be able to go home alone & have only myself to answer to. He was sweet to me, romantic & good, & the sex was amazing. I have a stressful yet fulfilling career & never had the whole picket fence & two & a half kid dreams [i don't even think I want kids], so, I sometimes though, this situation works well for me, I don't really want to change it unless it would be to have him full-time, & that is something only he can change, not me, so I accept this as it is. I'll add here that xMM was wealthy & very chilvarious & liked to have a fun time, so I can't deny that it was nice having someone always buy drinks or dinner for me & my friends, always want to pay for anything we did including travel, etc. I guess the financial aspect helped me accept the situation but I also felt very emotionally fulfilled. That is the stage I was in when I first came to LS - but things change.

So the two big obstacles to this kind of arrangement are 1) as someone mentioned, it is really settling for half of a life with someone & half of their love. If you really love someone the tendency to want to be with them full-time & build a life with them does creep in a lot. Yeah you can balance that out with thinking that you are happy for what you have compared to not being with them, but those thoughts still come. And I don't know about your MM but mine was very possessive - he wanted me all to himself but he was still married. So sometimes that double standard really bothered me. And 2) everything changes when the wife finds out. What I thought was this special close bond with my xMM totally changed- he would only contact me when convenient & safe, he would lie to me about being with her or about the status of their marraige, he would put me very last on his priority list because he was busy making nice & playing Good Husband with her. It put him in a totally different light & made me start to lose respect for him. Plus I wanted more than he was giving me - I was okay with how things were before, but not anymore. I started to fill like I was in his wife's shoes-- everything was confusing & I would know he wasn't telling me the whole story but then he would act like I was crazy. It was not a fun place to be & the benefits no longer outweighed the positives for me.

I think I may have been happy to go on being his mistress forever if his wife hadn't found out. But I don't think that would have been the best path for me because I know logically that I deserve & want a full relationship. Also it would

have been impossible because my xMm was very extreme & wanted to see me all the time & did crazy stuff that was just begging to be caught . . . & so he was caught over & over & over until finally his wife decided to kick him out & that's when our troubles began. Maybe he was being sloppy because he wanted her to stop him, or maybe he wanted her to get mad enough that she didn't want to be married to him anymore & it would be her idea . . . I don't know, but I know that what we had was over & maybe we both only wanted that but couldn't face/admit it, but when the crap hit the fan we both wanted out. I mean it was hard but he obviously wanted to stay married & I obviously wanted more than he could give me while he was trying to stay married. So I guess my advice to you if you do want to remain a mistress is try your best to make sure the wife doesn't find out because that changes everything. Which honestly can be for the best. Good luck.

 

How many times did she found out? Are they still married?

[Rooke]

Its a pleasure LauRose.

 

Look, I felt exactly the same way as you do. I absolutely loved that man with every inch of my being. I packed everything up and shipped it across the world from the Uk to Australia.

I'm not just trying to put a dampner on it. Infact I am all for people cahsing their dreams and I admit to being a bit of a romantic and idealist when it comes to love.

Just be in possession of the full facts and understand how it will most likely play out. He will have the added responsibility of having his child, plus his natural desire to want to sepnd time with the kid. He will have the added responsibility of helping his wife to settle in a newplace and so slipping away regularly could be a problem and on top of all that, he will have his studying commitments which will take priority. My own MM had his studying commitments on top of work and it really became difficult to manage.

I just know that there is someone else out there who not only matches up to him, but could even surpass what you feel now. You just have to look.

Whatever you decide I wish you all the best and good luck!

 

 

You moved to Australia for him? Wow, that's huge! Especially with all the Visa restrictions etc, I think I'll be going to Australia to run away from my xMM!

So did you know anyone there when you went? How did it feel to be there when you were no longer together? Did he promise you a future if you moved?

The reason I ask is I guess I thought my situation is unique, that no one would expect someone to move unless it was serious, so it's kind of eye opening to learn of other people in this situation..

[LauRose]

Let say for instance that his wife might be happy to accept you as a "sister wife" which who knows their culture, this is entirely possible.

 

You have said you are not comfortable sharing.

 

If you moved, I would insist on all cards being on the table. Wife must KNOW, not only that, I would insist with speaking to her about it first. And you must accept second place. Can you share him? I'm betting his culture, since this was an arranged marriage, divorce isn't going to happen. Ever. He will sleep with her, and sleep with you, but you will not have anyone outside of him. Can you accept that? Know what you are getting into before doing it.

 

I think its possible to love more then one person. I think its possible for multiple partners to make it work. But truth is something from now on must be insisted on, and you have to decide what you can take. Be honest with yourself. If you can't take sharing him (something I believe you have already said) then take the pain NOW and don't move. Don't make it worse by adding 3000 miles between you and your family and friends. Don't make it worse by seeing him and his wife together. Don't make it worse by having to switch jobs. Take the pain now, it sucks but life is painful at times.

 

The questions you posed in the first paragraph are what I'm considering. He has indicated his mind is thinking in that direction (multiple wives) I am American and thus the concept is not something I'm eager to move towards but this entire experience has made me question a lot of things including how and who we love, what fuels jealousy (is it innate or socialized), and it has made me rethink the beliefs I have about what love looks like.

 

All are questions I intend to answer before he leaves. If we are calling it quits I know it will be best to do it at the point when he leaves, as opposed to figuring that out late. It's not my intention to be stay in the home with his family at this point. Regardless of his offer, however, if he is able to gain me acceptance with his mother and spouse it would be insulting if I were in town and did not stay with them. This is tied to their culture and though I'm American I concede to their norms when among them.

 

I understand all the angered points being made and I assure you I'm not without self-esteem. We all have our opinions, or any of those things. I know how it looks from the outside, I know what I'd say to someone if they told me this story. I also know what it (the relationship) is. He doesn't crap golden eggs.....he is as flawed as the next man. I'd venture to paint a picture, but again, I think the effort would be for naught.

[crazycatlady]

The questions you posed in the first paragraph are what I'm considering. He has indicated his mind is thinking in that direction (multiple wives) I am American and thus the concept is not something I'm eager to move towards but this entire experience has made me question a lot of things including how and who we love, what fuels jealousy (is it innate or socialized), and it has made me rethink the beliefs I have about what love looks like.

 

All are questions I intend to answer before he leaves. If we are calling it quits I know it will be best to do it at the point when he leaves, as opposed to figuring that out late. It's not my intention to be stay in the home with his family at this point. Regardless of his offer, however, if he is able to gain me acceptance with his mother and spouse it would be insulting if I were in town and did not stay with them. This is tied to their culture and though I'm American I concede to their norms when among them.

 

I understand all the angered points being made and I assure you I'm not without self-esteem. We all have our opinions, or any of those things. I know how it looks from the outside, I know what I'd say to someone if they told me this story. I also know what it (the relationship) is. He doesn't crap golden eggs.....he is as flawed as the next man. I'd venture to paint a picture, but again, I think the effort would be for naught.

 

He did it wrong, by not approaching you openly about being married. I wonder how he treated it on her end as well.

 

While my husband did cheat on me, we were already in an open marriage when it happened (he is suppose to let me know before sleeping with someone else, he also should have known my sister was off limits) and the stuff that came out because of the affair has made me realize that my husband is capable of loving more then just me. I had to do a lot of reading about poly relationships. And talking with some people who were involved in them. Anyway, if you want to talk about it, I'm willing to be frank and discuss jealousy etc. I can at least share my experiences with it.

 

However, I doubt I could do it without at least the idea that I can go outside too if I so wanted. I don't often, and haven't in a few years, its nice to know if I want to, I can.

[LauRose]

Hi LauRose,

Your posts are breaking my heart. I'm sorry you are going thru this with your love. I'm sorry you lost your baby to, this is SO HARD.

I don't have any advise, just hugs.

 

(((BIG HUGS)))

 

Thanks Daisy!