Mea Culpa

[Seeker Sam]

Hi I'm new to post, but I've been reading through these threads for the past week and have found what is written enormously helpful.

 

I was married for 14 years up to 5 years ago. My X-H is a lovely man but unfortunately despite years of 'work', MC, IC and many attempts at having the marriage work, I asked for a S and D. I was determined to make it an end that wasn't about placing all the blame on him (and actually that wouldn't be true anyway) and was kind of proud of myself for making sure that there was no one else involved so that what was always going to be painful (the end of a long relationship, hopes, dreams and so on) wasn't also destroying, of him or me or our two children. Thankfully as a result we have a lovely relationship - are good friends within boundaries and work really hard to be great co-parents who share custody of our boys week about. He has been in a long term relationship for a year and a half now.

 

So there I was, thinking I'd handled the end of something big maturely and respectfully, 'all that' in other words, and in the last few months I've fallen on my backside big time. Really information about emotional affairs, slippery slopes, all of it needs to be much more widely known about and understood because as I've made my way through reading these and other forums, reading the perspectives of the BS the WS, the experts and so on, I've been astounded that what is now so obvious, was not obvious at all to me at the time. How we fool ourselves, especially when we think we've dealt with the crap we carry. Think again, I say!

 

2 years ago I met a wonderful man I had a lot in common with. We were, as they say, drawn to each others, to each others views and philosophies and spent a lot of time discussing those things. Both in person and through chat. I knew he was married, and very happily married and he made no secret of the fact. We were 'just friends'. None of our conversations occurred outside of the knowledge of his W, she was often there when we chatted online and I knew that none of the content of those chats, or even the conversations, were problematic in their content, what I didn't consider was their length. We talked alot, but never about any issues for him in his marriage, or me in my personal/romantic life. I already knew of myself that I wouldn't have a PA with someone, and my line in the sand was around secrecy - if I conducted myself in a way that I'd be happy for his W to observe, then no problem right? Boy was I wrong. Looking back, and having read more as I've said, I can now see that he was spending a lot of time and energy with me he should have been putting into his W. Now I feel ashamed at the selfishness of my actions. I fed off that attention and told myself it was ok. Sadly the potential implications of our actions wasn't registering then.

 

Once I realised I was in love with this man, I thought the only thing I can do is to come clean - to tell him how I felt and put an end to the friendship - it was just too hard for me being in love with a man I knew I couldn't have. I did, he told his wife, we had a conversation about it and said goodbye. I was heartbroken, but felt it was the best thing for everyone. Over the next month he contacted me several times to tell me he was thinking alot about our relationship, his own feelings and at the end of the month he came to see me again to tell me he loved me. That looking back what he'd told himself were just feelings of strong attachment to someone he admired and cared for, he now realised was a process of falling in love, he just hadn't allowed himself to see it. He also stated clearly that he loved his wife and his commitment was to working things out with her to keep their family intact. Not because he owed her, although he felt he did, but because it was what he wanted too. He also confessed his feelings for me to his wife, but assured her of his commitment to her. Over the following 3 months he would contact me every few weeks, under the guise of missing his friend, and while that contact was sporadic and brief, the point is it became secretive - he didn't tell his W and I knew that. To my shame (now) I would respond and if I'm honest in my heart I was harboring hope that he might decide to be with me. He didn't make offers, suggestions, in fact he tried to keep the conversation platonic, but there was no doubt he was acting out of longing for contact. I had that longing too. It has been reading the thoughts/feelings of BS that has helped me to see how selfish that was, keeping contact going. A couple of weeks ago, drowning in misery and pointless hope, I decided to ask him to leave me alone, to end contact, let me go so that I could get on with my life. Whether either of us could have stuck to it I don't know because several days later his wife found our brief emails and was furious we were having contact. I had a very angry text from her telling me to stay away, among other things, and I opted not to respond figuring that there was nothing I could do or say that would ease her mind/heart anyway except stay away from her man. I have, and I intend to continue doing so. I hope that was the right thing.

 

A long complicated story, thank you for your patience! I am trying to carry with me at this point both my enormous grief at losing him (not that he was ever really mine to begin with) and the shame of ending up in an emotional affair that has been the cause of a lot of pain to his wife and children. I didn't do it alone, he had a role to play too I know, but I can certainly feel the responsibility of my own part. I'm aware that it indicates my own neediness/loneliness which allowed me to put aside any concern for anyone else, and I've wondered recently if we ever really heal from past hurts or just carry our wounds with us. I do know that I don't want ever to again be a 'wounded person wounding' - it feels like ****... I think I've learned enough to ensure that in future, the minute I know a man is married, I won't engage beyond only polite conversation; finally I know what signs to look out for (in myself). I just hope I can get past my disappointment in myself as well as my grief and missing of him and maintain the NC I've asked for. Actually I know I can, what frightens me is my difficulty resisting responding to him if he does, its where I've fallen down before. I also hope that I will find again in someone available some of the qualities I found in him, I've been feeling so damaged myself lately (and most definitely not 'all that') that I wonder if that is possible for me. Sometimes I find my sadness/loneliness overwhelming, and wanted to put that out there to share in the support this online community provides. Thanks for listening/reading.

Edited May 10, 2011 by Seeker Sam

[Seeker Sam]

I also wanted to add, that while I think referring to the connection between a MM and an OW as 'fog' might be true in some or maybe most cases (I don't know I can only speak for myself), I don't think that is necessarily always the case. What we felt for each other, or at least what I felt for him, was very real and very different from my experiences of the past. If that's a fog that I'm still in, I guess I'll only know in the long run, but I find myself resenting the insistence that because there is obviously some emotional baggage involved in loving a MM, or loving an OW as a MM, that the bond is therefore false or only sick. In that respect, we all have our baggage with us and even marriages can begin on us acting out our needs/hurts.

[Owl]

That "fog" that is referred to isn't referring to your feelings as much as it references your inability to make rational, logical decisions...to 'think' clearly instead of just letting your feelings run your decision making processes.

 

If you look back...even in your post above...you can see where this happened.

 

You KNEW he was married. You had boundaries of sorts...but those boundaries became blurry and eventually non-existent...because your emotions were now in charge and you weren't thinking about what was happening.

 

You started reacting instead of acting.

 

More than anything, this is what I believe the "fog" to be. It prevents you from seeing the same picture that a person on the outside would see. It clouds your mind, your judgement, your ability to make the same kind of decision that you would make if you weren't letting your emotions run the show.

 

That's fog.

 

Another way to look at it. You've heard of the "fog of war" that occurs in battles? Same thing, only in that case the emotions are fear, panic, and chaos rather than attraction, 'love', or romance.

[MorningCoffee]

That "fog" that is referred to isn't referring to your feelings as much as it references your inability to make rational, logical decisions...to 'think' clearly instead of just letting your feelings run your decision making processes.

 

If you look back...even in your post above...you can see where this happened.

 

You KNEW he was married. You had boundaries of sorts...but those boundaries became blurry and eventually non-existent...because your emotions were now in charge and you weren't thinking about what was happening.

 

You started reacting instead of acting.

 

More than anything, this is what I believe the "fog" to be. It prevents you from seeing the same picture that a person on the outside would see. It clouds your mind, your judgement, your ability to make the same kind of decision that you would make if you weren't letting your emotions run the show.

 

That's fog.

 

Another way to look at it. You've heard of the "fog of war" that occurs in battles? Same thing, only in that case the emotions are fear, panic, and chaos rather than attraction, 'love', or romance.

 

The bolded is insightful. Think of some of most colossal blunders of warfare through history, and one gets a glimpse of how distorted thinking leads to bad decisions. Hmmm...distorted thinking leads to bad decisions . . . reminds me of my A . . .

[Seeker Sam]

That "fog" that is referred to isn't referring to your feelings as much as it references your inability to make rational, logical decisions...to 'think' clearly instead of just letting your feelings run your decision making processes.

 

If you look back...even in your post above...you can see where this happened.

 

You KNEW he was married. You had boundaries of sorts...but those boundaries became blurry and eventually non-existent...because your emotions were now in charge and you weren't thinking about what was happening.

 

You started reacting instead of acting.

 

More than anything, this is what I believe the "fog" to be. It prevents you from seeing the same picture that a person on the outside would see. It clouds your mind, your judgement, your ability to make the same kind of decision that you would make if you weren't letting your emotions run the show.

 

That's fog.

 

Another way to look at it. You've heard of the "fog of war" that occurs in battles? Same thing, only in that case the emotions are fear, panic, and chaos rather than attraction, 'love', or romance.

 

Thanks for replying OWL. Yes that makes total sense to me. I agree - once that fog lifted I looked back and felt some of the horror of what I'd done. Reading the thoughts/feelings of BS online has helped concretise the fullness of that. Its an awful place to be, but I'm grateful for it. For me, its not enough to just know cognitively, it seems I need the experience to match the thoughts and emotions together. Sucky way to learn .

[Owl]

We tend to learn very little when things all go well in our lives. Unfortunately, it's the difficult and/or painful things that we tend to learn the most from.

 

Love the avatar pic, btw.

[Seeker Sam]

We tend to learn very little when things all go well in our lives. Unfortunately, it's the difficult and/or painful things that we tend to learn the most from.

 

Love the avatar pic, btw.

 

So very true. It is only then we reveal to ourselves our 'shadows' - easy to be 'nice' when not challenged; i guess its about whether one has courage under fire. I haven't had that. I still struggle with it. But I hope it grows!

 

Thanks!