Leda Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 When someone you love decides to break up with you, is it ever right to fight for a second chance? If so, when? And when do you throw in the towel and give up and move on? I know every situation is different, but what are the basic signs?
Author Leda Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 I can see how in some cases No Contact is a good idea, other cases not at all.
collegeguy_24 Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 That is an interesting question, and one I can provide insight on. You see, in todays media it is often shown that the man will pursue her, beg for another chance at the relationship, and ultimately win her back. The media even encourages this by saying your not a real man if you don't at least try. Problem, she can and will get a restraining order against you. And with the US legal system so skewed in favor of women, she doesn't even need evidence to get the order, just walk in, put on the tears, and walk out. Now as you can see this is a double edged sword. Me, I begged, pleaded, got down on my knees and gave up all my pride, honor, and dignity for another chance. I didn't get it, instead she strung me along until she found a new man. Don't do that. Learn from my mistakes and follow the correct path, which is No Contact from the onset. Save your pride and dignity. If she wants another chance, she will come to you.
confused1989 Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 I didn't do NC form the onset. My ex screwed me around big time, told me she didn't feel the same toward me anymore, lost the spark, etc. But she told me instead of giving up on her that I should just prove my love to her and do the begging, pleading, etc. She pretty well asked for me to do that! At one point she told me that she only said she didn't feel the same and that the spark was gone as a "test" and to get me to prove that I love her. So I pursued for a month or month and a half or so. Did everything she asked me to do, but then she said I was only doing that stuff because she asked me to do it, and it wasn't genuine (even though it truly was). So I don't know. Everyone is different I guess. I felt like I exhausted every option that I had. I felt like I gave a good effort, but while I was doing this she was giving other guys a lot more attention than she was giving me and I clearly wasn't a priority. So now it's been NC for about 6 weeks or so. It was just as well for me to have gone NC from the start of it.
nana841121 Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Mankind is a lonely species. we complicate everything out of fear and distrust. i wish i can live up to this sentence "i never leave the one i love" If you really love her, ask for another change, you can ask without losing your dignity and honor and pride. don't beg, inquire. If she declines, then move on. because no one is irreplaceable. Don't let your emotion control you.
smudge21 Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 The same can be said for dating - how long do you pursue a girl, do all the chasing until you give up. It's a tough call either way. I don't think I've ever done the down on my knees or begging sort of thing, but I have told them how I feel in hope that they may feel the same way. I've also done my fair share of chasing even when it's clear there's nothing from her side. My recent ex I could've kept on chasing - making the first moves, texting, phoning, arranging to meet up, but I could tell she was becoming more distant each time. It was having the reverse effect. I honestly believe that everyone wants what they can't have. It's what drives us throughout our lives - always aiming for something just out of our reach. When we get it, we look for something else. Apply that thinking to dating and break ups and you often see that you're pretty much making yourself too available - you're no longer a challenge. No longer exciting. It's sad but that's how I've always seen things, and so when it comes to break ups, stepping back and going NC is often the only way to get someone back. Begging and pleading I don't think ever works (only in movies). Every situation and person is different, so there's no fixed rules on what to do. I guess it's a case of trying to spot the signs on what's working and what isn't. I could tell my ex was losing interest yet I didn't back off, I just kept contacting her. Maybe if I'd backed off sooner things may have played out differently... who knows!
Fufu Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Personally, though not everyone will agree with this. When someone breaks up with you for REAL, let him/her go. Fighting for him/her to come back, you are not going to be happy. He/she is not going to be happy because he/she is going to feel forced. Forced love is not happiness. If your ex bf/gf is committed to you truly even when there are obstacles and issues in this relationship, he/she will not break up with you so easily. In the least, he/she will talk, listen, work things out together instead of choosing the break up path.
Kodo Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Personally, though not everyone will agree with this. When someone breaks up with you for REAL, let him/her go. Fighting for him/her to come back, you are not going to be happy. He/she is not going to be happy because he/she is going to feel forced. Forced love is not happiness. If your ex bf/gf is committed to you truly even when there are obstacles and issues in this relationship, he/she will not break up with you so easily. In the least, he/she will talk, listen, work things out together instead of choosing the break up path. And possibly suggest a break/time apart to give each other space (while remaining faithful)?
Graceful Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 When someone you love decides to break up with you, is it ever right to fight for a second chance? If so, when? And when do you throw in the towel and give up and move on? I know every situation is different, but what are the basic signs? Why not just state your situation? If every situation is different (and I agree with that), all you're really asking for is anecdotal evidence. You're also making it sound like it's just your ex that is the one to decide if there should be a reconciliation. Why don't you consider it a decision for the two of you? Just because he might want to give the r/l another try, are we to assume you'd just fall back into it? He can be forgiven for hurting you? That's not a "basic sign" to you? Why would the "basic signs" just be about him? Why do you want to resume the relationship? What are your basic signs? Are they just knee jerk reactions to being rejected? You don't have any conditions? He's perfect just the way he is, and doesn't need to change even one iota? And you? What would need to be done to put the relationship back on track? There must have been something wrong if he bailed. Did he give you a reason for the breakup? Not in love any longer? Found someone else? Doesn't want to live in the burbs and you do? Doesn't want two chickens and a rabbit and you do? I mean, honestly, without details on what caused the breakup, it's impossible to give advice other than very general "leave him alone and he'll come home, well maybe yes, maybe no" type advice. 50/50, you know?
Author Leda Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 @Graceful, I'm raising the general question. Sure, each situation is different--every life is different--but aspects of it are certainly universal enough for wider discussion than of one case. Most of us have been in more than one relationship, and experienced a breakup or reconciliation from different vantage points. @Fufu, the more I think about it, the more I overall agree with you. Here are my thoughts on universal signs to throw in the towel, give up, detach, and move on: -the relationship was abusive in any way -you have made your own position 100% clear to the other person--they know that you love them, that you are committed to the relationship, and that you want to stay together--and they are still deciding to end things, clearly knowing your position -one of their reasons for the breakup was: "I am not in love with you." -there was lying, cheating, or invasion of privacy (snooping through the other person's email, phone, etc) on either end -either of you wants to be involved with another person or multiple people, even if you reconcile.
Fufu Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 And possibly suggest a break/time apart to give each other space (while remaining faithful)? It depends on the situation. If a couple quarrels alot and decide to give each other some cooling period to calm down before revisiting the situation, it will help. If one says break up for real, that's a different story.
marqueemoon4 Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 (edited) I got some bad advice from friends saying I should fight for my family when my wife rolled out last spring. I thought it was the right thing to do.. ultimately it backfired on an epic level and I still haven't recovered from all the emotional pain I went through. I wish I had known about this site back then, I would've gone immediate NC... probably wouldn't have saved the marriage but I wouldn't have compromised my pride and integrity. Lesson learned. Edited May 10, 2011 by marqueemoon4
Fedor Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 If the person doesnt love you anymore, there is nothing to fight for. But, if the feeling of love is still there between the couple, I say fight for it. Be smart about it though. I wasnt..
Goatsbreath Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 When someone you love decides to break up with you, is it ever right to fight for a second chance? If so, when? And when do you throw in the towel and give up and move on? I know every situation is different, but what are the basic signs? I think it depends on what you mean by FIGHT FOR A SECOND CHANCE. If you mean beg and plead and get down on your knees and cry like a baby then the fight is already over. Goodbye!! If you mean state your feelings, your interest, your desire to make things work and then respect a space that allows for a period of reflection (I guess NC) then the time is the sooner the better. Get it out and then go NC. Let me ask this, what's the real fight? Begging and pleading like a little kid in the toy isle at kmart or completely shutting down every waking feeling in your body, mind and soul to contact, contact, contact the ex.
Kodo Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Let me ask this, what's the real fight? Begging and pleading like a little kid in the toy isle at kmart or completely shutting down every waking feeling in your body, mind and soul to contact, contact, contact the ex. Best analogy ever. Infact it makes you accept with very little hurt. Because in hindsight now, looking back on my childhood, I can see how absolutely pointless it was. I'll think of this post often. It's no different to any advice others have given so far, it just connects with me in a very personal way.
Miss Clavel Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 If the person doesnt love you anymore, there is nothing to fight for. But, if the feeling of love is still there between the couple, I say fight for it. Be smart about it though. I wasnt.. Sad but true.
love4me2c Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 It really depends on the situation. I just got out of a relationship where my b/f was not trustworthy. He begged, pleaded, and I came back. I wanted to "save/fix" him. But still in the back of mind I knew I couldn't trust him. I still love him. I even like him as a person, but he has issues that I cannot fix. I realized that it was breaking me down and my needs were not being met. You really need to ask yourself what are YOU getting from this relationship. What are your needs and are you getting them met? You might be surprised what the answer is if you answer this question honestly with yourself. I often pine over what I think the relationship COULD BE not really what it is. That makes it very difficult to leave when you live in this fantasy world that someday things will work out... Generally, it doesn't. I am also an advocate of NC. If it is meant to be, it will be. If it isn't, then at least you aren't wasting anymore of your energy on it.
Author Leda Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 You really need to ask yourself what are YOU getting from this relationship. What are your needs and are you getting them met? You might be surprised what the answer is if you answer this question honestly with yourself. I often pine over what I think the relationship COULD BE not really what it is. This is such an important point.
Recommended Posts