russt Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Hi all, I have glanced over the forums for nearly a month and decided to go ahead and register to get some fresh perspective in my head, long story so here goes. 2 weeks shy of 40, myself, and wife is 52. We have been in a close relationship now for 15 years, but due to our line of work, (working for the airlines), we have only actually lived together for 5 years and married for 4 years now. We are both hardworking, kind, good hearted folks. Good morals and values, in a trusting, respecting, no arguementive relationship. Have had a good relationship til about a year after we lived together, right after we got married coincidentally. My wife started having early, extremely bad menopause problems, dryness, and pain related to sexual intercourse. So trying many, many lubes, creams, herbs, we had gone from 2-3 times a month to once every 4-6 then 8, 10 weeks, heck, been so long now I can't remember. So that's part of the problem, I obviously can't enjoy sex if she is in pain. Another part of our problem is her schedule, she's a flight attendant, gone 3-4 days a week, when she gets in after being around 150 plus people crammed in a tube, she's not into people activites, so she wants peace, and quiet, and disconnect. Okay, I get that. So we bought a place in the country, 4 years ago, 4 acres (she's from the country and I'm from the city), and it's been fairly nice, peaceful, and she loves the heck out of it. Me however, have grown miserable, sex life is deteriorated to pretty much notta. Timewise, well we have very very little together because of her job, we seem to really have much of little in common as far as interests to do together. I like bowling, golf, shooting, fishing, little bit of sports, skiing,, and am adventurous, and kind of silly, but very grounded, mannered and respectable. She's smart, pretty, very hard working, and enjoys none of the things I mentioned above, but does like history, as I do, and very good at sewing, which is not my bag. So, I realize everyone has their own interests and passions, and no couple will share all interests together, I got that. But honestly, I'm finding myself more and more trying to go to a sports game with a friend, cause she won't go, or decling offers from friends to do things, because she is either too worn out, not interested or flying, and out of town. I do love the woman very much, but in the last year, my stress and blood pressure have gone up arguing in my head like a broken record my displeasure for this situation. I finally told her last September, I can't take this anymore, we don't have sex, your not home on my days off, and you never want to do anything. You get home and work around the house, in her garden or sew things. Why are we married. She blew up, said she's been trying all kinds of things to help her with her vaginal pain, but feels pressured, that all I want is sex, and she gets more and more pressure and feels bad about it. Hell, I'm not even having sex once a month, and I'm pressureing her, I don't get that. Anyway, she said she would work her schedule a little more towards my days off. We (She) has 3 dogs and 3 cats, and they require almost 24/7 coverage, feeding, catboxes, etc, so hence why she was working my days off. I told her, I'm tired of having a schedule that revolves around pets, we don't have kids, but sure as heck feels like it. I told her marriage counseling was in order, or were not gonna make it. She had agreed and we went for 6 weeks, we did learn and gain some knowledge out of that but honestly, I felt like I was suppose to accept that my wifes cooks, and bakes wonderful things for me, should be a nice substitute for making love, ummm, I just don't have words, I sure don't want to cause her pain but I also don't want to live celibate for the rest of my life. Anyway, that was last september, and things are about the very same as to where they were, I have gotten so upset and frustrated because everytime I want to talk, really talk about this, something else comes up important, birthdays, anniversary's, valentines, she's flying, she's visiting her mothers out of town, I had eye surgery, she had training, her truck broke down, and on and on. I finally told her this morning, sit down, and drop what your doing, I'm gonna have a stroke if we don't talk, I'm nervous and scared as hell but this is what's going on, we don't communicate, connect, we don't really spend much time together, I want to enjoy life, not work it all away. I mentioned a ton of things I like to do, most of which, she's not interested in but some she is, she mentioned some thing, some of which I like to do. But irreguardless, I told her, we have to sell this house, and downsize, maybe something smaller, less work, less monthly expense, would mean she could fly less, meaning we could have more time for US.... BUT the main thing is, if we do that, I need to know you want to spend time doing these thing with me, because I don't want to just have more time to find something to work on and not use that time for us. That's where we are, wife leaves tomorrow for 6 days, and realtor will be here next week, we are gonna size up the market and hear what the realtor has to say. After that, I'm not sure, she has family in Fl, and wants to go there, I said I don't know, I'm not driving 2 hours each way to go to work everyday so that she can be by her family for me to drive to an airport. I love her very much, but I wonder as much as it would kill me if we would just be better off friends, is it a midlife crisis I'm having, is it the age difference, this is just not what I call living the dream of married life. Sorry for the rant and welcome any any all feedback, I especially would love to hear any airline folks out there, and how they make it work...
whichwayisup Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 It isn't just the sex you miss, it's also the intimacy ..spending time together and just 'being together' even if it's cuddling on the couch watching a movie, or even just fooling around. Since physical sex is painful for her, (has she been checked for ovarian cysts?) how is she if you two just fool around? you using her fingers ... is that painful too? Or is she completely off all sexual acts? I think you know where I'm going with this. The love is there, just seems right now you two aren't on the same page. Keep talking to her, do more counselling too. 15 years is a long time together, don't throw this relationship/marriage away until you both come to the conclusion it's time to move on..IF it comes to that.
Author russt Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 Hi, thanks for the reply. She has had a few different gynocologists look at her. Physically nothing wrong, she has a couple fibroid tumours but they are not causing the problems and I understand most woman have it and dont realize it. She got fixed many years ago, so never took birth control, and even when she goes in for her papsmear testing, I understand is a very small tool they insert, like the size of your pinkie, that makes her bleed it's so dry and pretty tight I guess, and believe me I'm not exactly well endowed but if a pinkie would make her bleed, my penis would too. Docs have recommended HRT, she won't do that, too many side effects, including cancer, she's a all natural organic gal. some docs have suggested a historectomy, but I guess that can throw a woman's ph and whatnot, weight gain, and such in major chaos, she don't want that unless their is cancer or something that was there but there is not. You are correct, it is not just the sex, i told her that for men, sex is a way we share intimacy, express feelings, connect, bond, etc, but there is more to marriage than sex, ie.. laughter, fun, communicating, experiences, etc.
whichwayisup Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Then she should go see a homeopathic/naturalpathic (lol I know I spelled them both wrong but you know what I mean) Dr, get help the organic way. It could work, she should atleast try.
nyc_guy2003 Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 This might sound silly but have you considered anal sex?
xxoo Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Sexual intimacy doesn't need to include penetration of ANY kind (vag, oral, or anal). It would be great if you two could rebuild the sexual intimacy between the two of you, eventually to include passionate oral sex, that avoids any vaginal pain. But it sounds like, right now, she avoids sexual touch to avoid the pain. She percieves pressure, even if you aren't meaning to pressure her. She may be putting a lot of pressure on herself, feeling that she is letting you down and not knowing how to do better. Like so many issues, this is fundamentally a communication problem. You need to be able to talk about your needs for touch and sexual sharing. She needs to be able to talk about her fears--and maybe her feelings of failure. She may feel "old and dried up" and need some gentle coaxing and reassurance to see her changing sexuality in a more positive light. Definitely work on the scheduling. Your relationship is more important than money, pets, or a big house. Too many couples put too much focus and energy on "stuff", imo, and not enough on the relationship. But, when you are 90, will you wish you'd had more stuff? More pets? Or more time shared with the love of your life? Ask her that.
Author russt Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 This is why I came to this forum, thanks guys/gals for the feedback!!! I had tried another forum about 2 months ago, and got like 2 replies from same individual, appreciated that but its hard to accomplish much with no correspondance back and forth. Thank you Then she should go see a homeopathic/naturalpathic (lol I know I spelled them both wrong but you know what I mean) Dr, get help the organic way. It could work, she should atleast try. She has looked online, actually bought many products, organic, herbal, vitamins, creams, lotions, even a couple prescriptions. She did come across some product that actually seems to help a good bit, it's a suppository that you put in the vagina and go to sleep, it moistens, your body soaks it in or something. But her body is overly sensitive to chemicals and such, and after two weeks, we had one time of good sex, but then she was so moist, she got a yeast infection, and I got a prostate infection, damn was that very uncomfortable, man. So she backed off of that product. This might sound silly but have you considered anal sex? Yes, we have about 5 times in past, neither one of us are huge on it, she says she's got to be good and liquored up, and lots of lube. To me it seems wrong, I'm not real into it, felt pretty good but, guess it's a mental thing. Sexual intimacy doesn't need to include penetration of ANY kind (vag, oral, or anal). It would be great if you two could rebuild the sexual intimacy between the two of you, eventually to include passionate oral sex, that avoids any vaginal pain. A year and a half ago, she would start to shift gears a little and try and please me, occasionaly a BJ, or handjob, but she gave that up after a few months. She said, why do it, it's just about you, I get nothing out of it? I would fondle, kiss, caress, pet, stroke, be gentle and just try to go down on her, without penetration, and she couldn't get pleasure out of it, so she would either pull me off or tell me that's enough. So what else could I do, if I can't get her to orgasm with penetration or orally, ughhhh, I'm at a loss there. But it sounds like, right now, she avoids sexual touch to avoid the pain. She percieves pressure, even if you aren't meaning to pressure her. She may be putting a lot of pressure on herself, feeling that she is letting you down and not knowing how to do better. She is, you are correct, she told me yesterday, I want to please you, I'm sorry you are unhappy, and that makes me feel even worse. Even though I gave up trying to have sex with her, because I didn't want to cause pain, she knows I want it, and she's feeling bad that were not delivering. Like so many issues, this is fundamentally a communication problem. You need to be able to talk about your needs for touch and sexual sharing. She needs to be able to talk about her fears--and maybe her feelings of failure. She may feel "old and dried up" and need some gentle coaxing and reassurance to see her changing sexuality in a more positive light. You are experienced with this, yes you are correct. As I told her last september and started the conversation off yesterday, I said my heart is racing, I'm nervous, and scared, but if we don't talk, I'm gonna have a heart attack or stroke because of stress and anxiety, and I said, it's really a shame, because we don't communicate, and now I don't hardly how to communicate with you. So xoxo, you are dead on, I've told her that talking is not communcating, over and over again. Which is why I want more one on one time with her to connect, communicate... Definitely work on the scheduling. Your relationship is more important than money, pets, or a big house. Too many couples put too much focus and energy on "stuff", imo, and not enough on the relationship. But, when you are 90, will you wish you'd had more stuff? More pets? Or more time shared with the love of your life? Ask her that. Again, you are dead on, that's why I told her, I'm throwing in my last ditch effort here, between her job, traveling being away for days at a time, this house, the property and maintaining it, and 6 pets, of which she would die without, are all too much time/work that deprives us. Realtor is coming next week to talk to us, I told her, 4 walls, and a roof mean nothing, we could die tomorrow, to me what's important is when you are old and cold, sitting back, reflecting on memories of life together, that's important.... Mowing tons of grass, cleaning hair off everything, catboxes, watering tons of plants, for me don't make memories..She is also very, independant, which is blessing or curse depending on how you look at it. She has said it has been very difficult for her to let go of that, she enjoys a lot of her alone time, and sometimes stresses out about being married, although she loves me very much. Not sure how I can help her there, her job puts her with that many people half the week, not mine. Tell your wife that you understand and are sympathetic to her medical problems which render her unable or unwilling to have a meaningful sex life with you. However, tell her as a forty year old man you have no intention of giving up on sex, just because she's given up on it. Give her exactly 30 days to seek whatever medical consultations and treatment might be needed. Then tell her that if she doesn't start willingly giving you orgasmic sex at least 2x/week--doesn't have to be PIV, either, in light of her medical problems--doesn't even have to be anal, as someone else suggested--but I seriously doubt she has fibroids in her mouth--you will seek it elsewhere. Then do that. That one kind of goes along with where she was a year and half ago, with some occasional bj's and handjobs, she felt since I couldn't pleasure her (meaning, my penis, my fingers and kind of my toungue caused her discomfort), she got tired of just doing it for me.. This is my gut opinion folks, now that you have a little more clue to my situation. I have told her I'm not so insecure that I need her by myside 24/7, I don't, but honestly when I break it down, her job is the core problem to our dilemmas. When you are gone half the week, AND you want this many pets, that puts a very tight lid on our time together, sharing interests together, or doing anything away from home together. All of that leads to a communication problem, which intensifies the lack of desire for sex. She's been with her job for 25 years, I understand why she doesn't want to quit, especially with the economy in the condition it is. I believe if she was in a different line of work OR did not have all these pets, this would be so much easier...
giotto Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Sexual intimacy doesn't need to include penetration of ANY kind (vag, oral, or anal). no, but it helps... Seriously, OP, you need to take stock and see what you are getting from the relationship... as someone said, you clearly are not on the same page at the moment. And I sympathise re: the animals... we have 3 cats and a dog and I'm the only one at home during the day... guess who looks after them all the time...
Author russt Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 no, but it helps... Seriously, OP, you need to take stock and see what you are getting from the relationship... as someone said, you clearly are not on the same page at the moment. And I sympathise re: the animals... we have 3 cats and a dog and I'm the only one at home during the day... guess who looks after them all the time... I am in agreeance there. She's on two trips now for 6 days, but I know we both have a lot to reflect on from yesterdays conversation. When the realtor asked, what do you guys want to do once you sell the house, I told her I don't know, we need to digest the information on putting the house up for sale, and once we have that, then look to see if we can live anywhere that will afford us the time together that I deffinitely want and that I believe she wants, and how we will capitalize on that time together, that's the stock that I want from the relationship.
xxoo Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 . A year and a half ago, she would start to shift gears a little and try and please me, occasionaly a BJ, or handjob, but she gave that up after a few months. She said, why do it, it's just about you, I get nothing out of it? I would fondle, kiss, caress, pet, stroke, be gentle and just try to go down on her, without penetration, and she couldn't get pleasure out of it, so she would either pull me off or tell me that's enough. So what else could I do, if I can't get her to orgasm with penetration or orally, ughhhh, I'm at a loss there... Tough question-- Do you think that she would be able to enjoy sex with someone else? Or do you believe the sexual response is really nil at this point? If she is honestly that sexually unresponsive (to you, or to anyone else), you may not have many choices. Surely you don't want a one-sided sexual relationship, or a chaste marriage. If she chooses not to avail herself to the hormonal treatments that would help (yes, they have risks, but personally I would choose quality of years together over quantity and take the risks! She may choose otherwise, as is very much her right), then she should understand you needing to move on and find a partner who wants a sexual marriage.
Author russt Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 Tough question-- Do you think that she would be able to enjoy sex with someone else? Or do you believe the sexual response is really nil at this point? She said, it's the equivilant to taking my penis and rubbing sand paper on it, if I would get aroused that way. I can certainly understand that, and no man or boy is going to really get around that issue. If she is honestly that sexually unresponsive (to you, or to anyone else), you may not have many choices. Surely you don't want a one-sided sexual relationship, or a chaste marriage. If she chooses not to avail herself to the hormonal treatments that would help (yes, they have risks, but personally I would choose quality of years together over quantity and take the risks! She may choose otherwise, as is very much her right), then she should understand you needing to move on and find a partner who wants a sexual marriage. I've told her that before the HRT route, but out of respect for her, I tell her, even though it affects both of us, it's your body, I can't force you. She says many studies show it doesn't work and side effects. I'm a fairly healthy person myself, but I also know that not everything can be cured with vitamins and soy, lol.
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