can't get someone on online dating because too ugly

[Eternal Sunshine]

orangelady, what would you say is your best feature looks wise (including face and body)?

[utterer of lies]

Few times I have written to guys whose profile where it says "what I'm looking for" describes me exactly along with other matches and written to them like at least 3 parahraphs, none have gotten back to me.

 

Next time, just write a short mail:

 

"I read your profile and liked it and would like to meet you for a coffee or drink. Here's my number: ..."

 

Not 3 paragraphs.

[Dust]

I remember back when I was in college and MySpace was popular a girl hit on me. She sent me a random msg something like “We seem like we have a lot in common.” I didn’t even care what she was talking about all I knew is she seemed cut in her pictures and I should ask for her number. So I asked for her number and when we spoke I liked her voice and we arranged to meet for coffee.

 

We picked a place that was about 30-40 minutes from where I lived but probably walking distance from where she lived. It felt like I was there waiting for an hour. I was almost ready to leave when then she walked in. I thought she was so pretty it actually scared me a little to see her. The pictures didn’t do her justice.

 

Whats my point in all this. I had never been propositioned like that by a cute girl on the internet before and haven’t since been. I had sent many messages to random girls and for the most part other then one other time it hadn’t worked out. All she had to do was have some crappy pictures of herself up. (why she didn’t have ones that made her look good I have no clue) and then all she did was send me a simple message “we seem to have a lot in common” or something like that. Girls have it a lot easier when it comes to dating. They get away with looking brave for doing half of what guys do. So please don’t get scared or give up.

 

On a side note for men internet dating sucks. Real life dating if you are ballsy enough to interact with strangers is the way to go.

[Eeyore79]

You don't know why that guy didn't reply to you, and you have no evidence that it has anything to do with your looks; you're just making assumptions. Maybe he already met someone and hasn't taken his profile down yet. Maybe a family member passed away and he doesn't feel like dating right now. Maybe he's extremely busy with work. He could have any number of reasons for not replying, and only your own paranoia about being ugly makes you jump to the conclusion that your looks are the problem. I'm pretty, and when I did online dating there were still occasions when men didn't respond. I was contacted by some nice looking men but didn't reply for various reasons. Everyone has their own reasons for not replying to someone; all you can do is keep trying until you hit upon someone who likes you.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm particularly drawn to Henry Ford's quotation:

 

"Whether you think you can, or whether you think you can't - you're right."

 

And this one: (Not Henry Ford...)

'Whatever you put energy into, will grow.'

 

If you truly believe that you are too ugly to date, then unfortunately, you become what you truly believe.

 

Yours is such a wrong view, I don't know where to start.

 

You have to change your mind, and your mind-set, otherwise there are dangers of a self-fulfilling prophecy....

[jane100]

Internet dating is a difficult world for all but the most beautiful, accomplished and confident.

 

Whatever your insecurity is, my theory is it will most likely come to the fore in spades, and it can be very painful and inescapable I have no doubt for both men and women. It may be based on a real assessment or a faulty assessment of your worth (which is what this is about yes?), but who can tell for sure .

 

I (would say) that generally I am an attractive women but I have alot of insecurities about other things, and every now and again, this will turn into a total tailspin with internet dating, men and sex (heady combination).

 

I can't really answer your direct question Orange lady. Meeting men in other ways, not taking it personally and so on. But its a tough world (internet dating). If you have other ways of meeting men, all the better (I have not). And finally, remember internet dating is also a numbers game.

[chuckles11]

 

I think that she is upset that some bald, over-weight 40+ dude wants a 20 year old super model. I hate that as well. My male friend (who is perma-single) constantly talks critically about every woman he sees. She is "too fat" or "too old" or "her face is off" etc. Yet, he is below average looking himself. I feel like asking him: looked in the mirror lately?

 

Men in general tend to over-estimate their looks.

 

That's is a typical online dating cop-out, though. In practice, most fat, bald men, in their 40s aren't holding out for supermodels. Furthermore, there are plenty of threads on here where guys complain that the below average looking women they hit on have impossible standards. So there appears to be a disconnect that goes beyond men overestimating their looks and refusing to date women who aren't gorgeous 20 somethings.

Edited May 10, 2011 by chuckles11

[jane100]

I forgot to add - alot of internet dating involves "selling" and "marketing" yourself in some way. This is quite painful, also I believe because it goes against the core of our sensitivity, humanity and what we are looking for (love, not a marketing success).

 

However, i don't see there is any way round this if this is the method you embark upon to meet someone. You just need to be aware of it and realise the main prize is something and somewhere else... whilst playing the game ... does that make sense?

[fortyninethousand322]

I am proof that you are wrong. I think maybe this happens in your country, not mine. Here, there are more women to men. And on another dating site, I can't, tell you how many men 'visit' my profile but don't contact me. I usually get really odd ones who do contact me like one wore this scuba diving mask over his face, I could not see his face, another wore a hood over his head, and could not see his face either. Another one was too young for me. (10 years younger).

 

 

It can be very discouraging for a girl. It's a man's world. Men can be 20,30,40,50 and they have no shelf life. Whether they meet someone or not, life is bliss. For us women, at age 35 or 40, who cares about ya when there are 20 year old girls out there? They don't worry about things like 'omg will I ever be wanted?' 'will I ever have someone to have kids with before my eggs go old?'

 

Women are just cursed. Oh ugly ones that is.

 

Anyways, I agree with most of you here, and thanks for the advice. Clearly, online dating is not for me as I can't compete with all the rest of the 'hot' girls on the sites.

 

It's 13 one way a baker's dozen the other. Both sexes have it just as hard in their own ways.

 

I'm struggling with online dating too. I'm on an 0/14 streak and a current run of 4/40 (response to email sent ratio), those four that did respond? They no longer have profiles. Online dating has just not gotten to a point where it's a realistic option for most people. Perhaps it will someday but it isn't right now.

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I'm going to try online dating again. Yeah, I'll have a harder time, since I live at home, don't work, and am average looking, but I'm also very shy and am not meeting women in other circles.

 

I think I'll also go to the church down here, and see if I meet someone that way.

 

But I have to say to OrangeLady that, even if you think you're ugly, you probably aren't. And even ugly people end up in relationships. You see them on the streets and on reality shows all the time. There is a lid for every pot, and you honestly are a very sweet person (going by your posts), so you shouldn't have trouble meeting the love of your life. Someone will see that sweetness, and fall in love with you.

[guy777]

 

"I think I'll also go to the church down here, and see if I meet someone that way."

 

"But I have to say to OrangeLady that, even if you think you're ugly, you probably aren't"

 

I say definitely go to church to try to meet someone. Don't go there just for that, but it's a great place to meet someone. I go to church and see the most attractive women. Most of whom probably want what I want. My problem with church is that I don't follow all the church doctrine, so I think most of them would understand me. Therefore I don't try to date women from church. But this is a good idea IMO.

 

OrangeLady, the problem is that you think you are ugly, and that's not attractive. I just got shut down by someone face to face who was completely in my league. Who know's why she didn't give me her number. I was stunned, but it could have been a lot of things besides looks. I thought she was cute, but she was in my league. And I think my league is probably at least a little higher than what I think it is, and that has hurt me over the years for not shooting for even higher than that. So at least you were on a dating site an not face to face. Still, I think you're going to feel a lot more attractive if you get off the web and into a real live social situation and just place yourself in the vicinity of guys you like. Just make some flirty comments to them and smile and laugh at their stupid jokes. You need to get this "I'm ugly" thing out of your head. Comparing yourself to other people is not a road you want to go down. I struggle with it to. Trust me that it doesn't lead to anywhere we want to be. If the guys don't respond to you putting yourself near them, think of it his way, at least your gender won the war on who makes the idiot of themselves asking for the number/date, so you don't have to get rejected other than by being ignored. And you don't have to hear some lame excuse or get a fake number and waste time making a few calls and hearing a answering machine. I'm sure it's not fun giving a number and waiting for a call sometimes, but we all have our frustrations. The man has the rougher ego buster in public.

 

Finally dating sites are BS. I'm done with them for at least awhile. Either most of the women on there aren't serious about trying to meet someone, or there aren't many women, or both. I really think the novelty of dating sites is wearing off. It's getting to the point where men and women just don't like the time it takes to meet someone online, and then meetup to find there isn't a spark.

Edited May 10, 2011 by guy777