justagirrl Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Why be with someone who's stringing you along giving you mixed signals left and right...but not being official boyfriend and girlfriend or feeling certain that you're the only one? (even though that's what you're told) Well, that's basically where I'm at right now... We've been dating for a little over 5 months now. He has a best friend (who's a girl) and early into dating him, he assured me that they are just friends, which is believable because they're not dating, haven't dated (from what I've been told) and have known each other for a year maybe? Plus...she's like a 4 on a scale of 10 (<---not kidding) I know that's not necessary to say but it makes the situation make more sense because he's very good looking. He give me crazy mixed signals. When we got together on tuesday last week, I noticed he was wearing different earrings...and they were ginormous first of all...second! It was obvious they were girl studs. So I asked him what's the deal with those? And he was like OH! They're ______'s (his best friend) she let me borrow them. I literally wanted to cry. That means that he saw her recently, didn't tell me... How would he feel if I showed up wearing my ex boyfriends football championship ring and just said he let me borrow it because I liked it. YEAH OK. NOT the first encounter with something like this with him. About 3 weeks ago I went to his dorm to see him and saw a pair of glasses on his desk. Which happened to be girl's glasses. He came up with this story about how his roommate's sister got drunk and left them there blah blah BS. I had a feeling they were his "best friend's" but I didn't want to make accusations and look stupid... I'm just rambling now...but basically, something is making him want to keep me around if he hasn't said that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I don't want to push being official because we have only known each other for 5 months...but he could at least be more open about his feelings so I don't feel so much doubt. I'm pretty much staying around for him to give me closure, and I think that's unhealthy...but I feel like so many things have been left unsaid. He has a lot of explaining to do...but I'm starting to question if it's even worth it. I've never felt this way about a guy before, that's why I'm actually waiting to see if he's going to come to his senses. What should I do? Today was his last day of college and he's graduating on sunday. He was talking about how he can't wait to be done on Monday, how much free time he's gonna have, no stress...I'm staying NC to see if he will text me first, but I'm trying to convince myself to just let him go.
Chi townD Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 I don't get it? Are you still dating or not? Regardless, nothing in your post makes me feel like he was cheating on you or harboring any feelings for this other girl. When you questioned him about the earrings, he didn't lie to you. I kinda of sounded very "as a matter of fact" I don't think he's into this girl other than a friendship. However, it sound like you may have some jealousy issues that you need to address. Sorry to be so blunt.
geegirl Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 People string you along because they can and we show them that they can. We don't allow that type of behavior when we set strict boundaries for ourselves as to the type of treatment and behavior we accept of allow in our lives. It's funny how we give so much control to someone else in terms of allowing them to define our needs and wants and we stay eventhough it goes against everything we hope for. You have to decide if this is working for you and if you see him being able to give you what you want. And if he can't, which you probably already know the answer, you find closure within yourself. A guy who is into a woman will not play mind games with her, specifically hinting at the presence of another woman. He will not do anything to jeopardize what he has and focus on you. Your closure is you finding it within you to know that this is not what you want for yourself. I believe that when someone is into you, they will make their feelings known. 5 months is not too short of a time to at least have an inkling! If you're sitting around like a sad puppy waiting for him to shoo you away, you place too much power in his hands.
Author justagirrl Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 Yes, we are still dating. And the story about the glasses.....first when i was there, he made up this story about his roommate being gay and thought it was funny (which i didn't) and was like yeah he wears girl glasses and his favorite singer is britney spears (he's very immature for a 22 year old guy) i knew it wasn't true so i let it go...then later on that night it was bothering me, so I texted him and was like "can you just tell me who's glasses those were?" and that's when he told me the story about his roommates sister getting drunk and passing out there and left her glasses. He said he didn't tell me that in person because "I would have thought he does stuff with his roommate's sister"....he lied to me, and then told me that. I think i have a reason to feel the way i do
Author justagirrl Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 People string you along because they can and we show them that they can. We don't allow that type of behavior when we set strict boundaries for ourselves as to the type of treatment and behavior we accept of allow in our lives. It's funny how we give so much control to someone else in terms of allowing them to define our needs and wants and we stay eventhough it goes against everything we hope for. You have to decide if this is working for you and if you see him being able to give you what you want. And if he can't, which you probably already know the answer, you find closure within yourself. A guy who is into a woman will not play mind games with her, specifically hinting at the presence of another woman. He will not do anything to jeopardize what he has and focus on you. Your closure is you finding it within you to know that this is not what you want for yourself. I believe that when someone is into you, they will make their feelings known. 5 months is not too short of a time to at least have an inkling! If you're sitting around like a sad puppy waiting for him to shoo you away, you place too much power in his hands. Thanks for your response, Should I be the one that establishes the closure? Maybe through a facebook message or e-mail? I normally hate talking about things like that if we're not together in person, but I don't know when that will be, and I don't want to be the one asking him if I can see him. I almost feel like he's seeing both of us, and started seeing her before me and probably told her the same excuse he told me: "I don't have time to be in a relationship right now because school is so busy, but maybe sometime in the near future when I have more time!" (sounded convincing at the time) So, from analyzing the situation, I think he found himself caught...what would she think if he was randomly in a relationship with me vice/versa... I know it seems like I'm over thinking, and there's so many little details, but nothing makes sense and that drives me crazy...so I try to figure it out and this is what I came up with =/
Author justagirrl Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 Okay....sooooooo.....break up with him! If you're gonna come on here and respond like that think before you're so blunt. I've been so upset about this...so be kind.
Author justagirrl Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 I didn't want to be the one making the closure...because if for whatever reason we get back together, he's gonna be able to say "you ended it first" or just have an excuse for something to be my fault...I gave him way too much power
geegirl Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 If you are certain that you want to break up and this is not working for you, then do it via email. I know it is the cowardly thing to do but he's not be very careful about your feelings either. Plus, I think a face to face when you are emotional like this, is difficult to do. If you want to break up, to get a response from him, then you are doing it for all the wrong reasons. If he's telling you he does not have time to be in a R with you, listen. Whatever the motive for telling you that, the end result is, he's telling you he doesn't want to be involved in an R with you. A man who wants a woman to be in an R with him, will not tell her otherwise. And as a woman, listen to your instincts. Most times those alarms are going off for a reason.
geegirl Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 I didn't want to be the one making the closure...because if for whatever reason we get back together, he's gonna be able to say "you ended it first" or just have an excuse for something to be my fault...I gave him way too much power If for whatever reason he wants to get back together, he's going to come back saying he wants to be with you and nothing more. It wouldn't matter to him who ended and he wouldn't be finding fault with you.
Chi townD Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 If you're gonna come on here and respond like that think before you're so blunt. I've been so upset about this...so be kind. Look, I don't see many options here. For whatever reason (and those reasons are yours) you're not happy. You said it yourself, he's immature and he's not communicating with you at all. Have you tried talking with him, I mean REALLY tired, deep down heart to heart? If he still doesn't take you seriously or doesn't want to listen, well....I think you'll have your answer. You're upset, I get it, but what is it that's making you upset? Is it the situation or is it him in general? If you think he's playing you, do you deserve that? Those are questions you have to ask yourself.
Author justagirrl Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 I sent him this in february... "It's starting to become hard for me to do this without any commitment. I just wanna know if you eventually want something with me or not. I like what we have right now obviously it's really fun. I know the thought of being committed to someone can be confusing, but when I'm with you it feels effortless, and I've never really felt that way. I wouldn't normally want a commitment with someone I've only known for a few months...but we started things a little fast, and I only let it happen because I could see what kind of person you were and I just felt comfortable. So basically, this is hard for me, but if you don't think you eventually want some kind of commitment, you're going to lose me =/ and it sucks that I would be losing you like that. You have to be true to yourself and the people you care about...they're the ones who are going to be there for you no matter what. I'm willing to work towards something if you are." That's when he came back with he eventually wants a relationship just when has has time....it just hurts waiting around and after feeling all this pain i'm being convinced it's not worth it anymore.
geegirl Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 (edited) I sent him this in february... "It's starting to become hard for me to do this without any commitment. I just wanna know if you eventually want something with me or not. I like what we have right now obviously it's really fun. I know the thought of being committed to someone can be confusing, but when I'm with you it feels effortless, and I've never really felt that way. I wouldn't normally want a commitment with someone I've only known for a few months...but we started things a little fast, and I only let it happen because I could see what kind of person you were and I just felt comfortable. So basically, this is hard for me, but if you don't think you eventually want some kind of commitment, you're going to lose me =/ and it sucks that I would be losing you like that. You have to be true to yourself and the people you care about...they're the ones who are going to be there for you no matter what. I'm willing to work towards something if you are." That's when he came back with he eventually wants a relationship just when has has time....it just hurts waiting around and after feeling all this pain i'm being convinced it's not worth it anymore. He gave you his answer. You can twist it 20 different ways and it will come out saying he does not want a relationship. You poured your heart out and he said he has no time. You can sit around and wait for him to have time or you can move on. If a guy really wants you, he will make time and even if he doesn't he'll show you in many different ways that he wants to love you and keep you in his life. "No time" is the roundabout way of saying I'm not interested. Edited May 9, 2011 by geegirl
DontWorryBHappy Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Dont waste anymore time on this guy. I can tell you right now he either isnt that into you, or he isnt capable of being in a committed relationship right now. You can't even convince him to commit to you, can you imagine what it would be like if he finally caved and committed? He'd likely bail out within weeks. Leave him alone, you're way better off without him.
Author justagirrl Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 Dont waste anymore time on this guy. I can tell you right now he either isnt that into you, or he isnt capable of being in a committed relationship right now. You can't even convince him to commit to you, can you imagine what it would be like if he finally caved and committed? He'd likely bail out within weeks. Leave him alone, you're way better off without him. So do you suggest NC? Or just e-mail him and end it
Author justagirrl Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 This is how he confuses me. He texted me yesterday saying "tell your mom i said happy mother's day!" I answered (not right away) and said "tell yours I said the same" Idk why he does this. But hearing this advice from more than one person is making me realize what I need to do. Either just go NC or e-mail him ending it?
geegirl Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 I would just send him a short email and strict NC. Then do not entertain his responses/block him as he may tell you things you want to hear in order to keep you in his sights, which might make you cave. I would suggest straight NC but he may wonder where you are and bombard you and I have a strong feeling you will feel responsible to respond under the pretense of not wanting to be rude. Then you open the door to communication and you will give him the opportunity to pull the reins on your attempt to move on. If you want to NC and move on, whichever way you pick, you will choose NC for yourself.
geegirl Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 This is how he confuses me. He texted me yesterday saying "tell your mom i said happy mother's day!" I answered (not right away) and said "tell yours I said the same" Idk why he does this. But hearing this advice from more than one person is making me realize what I need to do. Either just go NC or e-mail him ending it? How does that confuse you? Put all these petty text messages aside. He told you -- HE HAS NO TIME FOR A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU. This is what you need to pay attention to. You're holding on to petty text messages and failing to look at the big picture. Listen to what he is telling you. These petty text messages are just bread crumbs to keep you sitting there hungry for more.
Author justagirrl Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 How does that confuse you? Put all these petty text messages aside. He told you -- HE HAS NO TIME FOR A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU. This is what you need to pay attention to. You're holding on to petty text messages and failing to look at the big picture. Listen to what he is telling you. These petty text messages are just bread crumbs to keep you sitting there hungry for more. Seriously, thank you so much for your advice. You've actually been extremely helpful...I've asked all my friends for advice, but most of them are in committed relationships, and they're happy! I haven't gotten advice like this yet, and the thought of me ending things wasn't an option in my mind until today. I know it's gonna be painful, but I guess it's better to do it now than be upset all summer long over this which i probably will be.
geegirl Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Seriously, thank you so much for your advice. You've actually been extremely helpful...I've asked all my friends for advice, but most of them are in committed relationships, and they're happy! I haven't gotten advice like this yet, and the thought of me ending things wasn't an option in my mind until today. I know it's gonna be painful, but I guess it's better to do it now than be upset all summer long over this which i probably will be. It is going to be painful. If/When you end it, he's probably going to come back and confuse you. You'll probably go up and down and break NC and go through that process, unless you are determined to stick to your decision. Look at your friends and the relationships they are in. They're happy! Are you? No. Jerking you around. That's not what you want. Yes, better to do it now and go through the temporary pains of NC than indefinite misery with this guy. Come here and post and get the support you need when you are confused or want to reach out to Mr. Busy.
Author justagirrl Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 Yes, my friends are so happy. The annoying part is, they like him.. and don't get why he acts like this and they tell me I should wait and see what happens now that he's done with school...I just can't anymore, what's the point right? Thanks again. I'm getting it over with tonight
geegirl Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Yes, my friends are so happy. The annoying part is, they like him.. and don't get why he acts like this and they tell me I should wait and see what happens now that he's done with school...I just can't anymore, what's the point right? Thanks again. I'm getting it over with tonight They like him because they view him in a totally different light. They're not emotional about him and they aren't seeking a relationship with him. They're speaking from their platonic feelings versus your feelings of love. You can wait and see what happens when he is done with school. But why would you put your life on hold. Go NC, find clarity, and live your life. When he finishes school and wants to come back to you, you can decide with a clear mind and heart if you want an R with him. You will either want to work it out or you would have moved on. Either way, you emerge victorious!
Author justagirrl Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 They like him because they view him in a totally different light. They're not emotional about him and they aren't seeking a relationship with him. They're speaking from their platonic feelings versus your feelings of love. You can wait and see what happens when he is done with school. But why would you put your life on hold. Go NC, find clarity, and live your life. When he finishes school and wants to come back to you, you can decide with a clear mind and heart if you want an R with him. You will either want to work it out or you would have moved on. Either way, you emerge victorious! I texted him tonight when I was out with my friends and said "If you really care about me, and don't want to lose me, you need to prove it to me...I don't want to lose you, but maybe it's what you want" It's been a few hours and no response...how immature is that?
Fufu Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 justagirrl: Spare yourself from this torture. Do what's right for yourself to end this pain. You can do it
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