myname Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 I started threads way back last October and through to the beginning of this year with my pathetic attempts at no contact, which I always didn't see through. In the end I gave up trying to dump him cos the pain and grief I suffered after I'd ended things with him always meant that I was gasping for his comfort when he then contacted me again and it all started up again. So, I've just been going along with it, but chalking up every disappointment, every lie he told me which I found out about, every let down and slowly building towards a lessening of feelings for him (which I was hoping would ultimately make leaving him easier for me). Well of course he managed to get himself caught out again before I'd done with my grand loosening the ties plan, and this time his wife phoned and spoke to me. Surprise surprise, she wasn't the harridan he'd made her out to be. She was very polite and calm and was just trying to work out what she should believe of what he tells her. And it turns out he'd told her I did all the chasing, in fact I forced him to see me, in fact he'd been begging me not to contact him all this time and I'd been practically blackmailing him to see me. Also he'd told her I had a boyfriend that I live with. Anyway I didn't bother to go into any detail that could've hurt her other than to say that I think he has been lying to us both, that the only boyfriend I have is an ex boyfriend and that I never made him do anything. When she asked why he'd said those things and why he pleaded with her that he couldn't live without her I said that he probably did so because he didn't want her to leave him. I felt very bad for her, and stupid for having ever believed his lies. And then I promised her that I would never contact him again, and that if he contacted me I would tell him I'd spoken to her and made that promise. He contacted me an hour later by email to say she's going mad and threatening to call you, if she does please say nothing. Oh well too late, I didn't reply. Later he emailed again, saying he hoped she hadn't phoned as she claimed she had, it didn't sound like she'd really spoken to me. So then I replied that yes she had and I'd made her that promise. I made a huge mistake with him, I regret it, but at least I can keep my promise to her now. It will make nc easier knowing that I've given her my word and knowing what a total lying scumbag he is. He emailed again today, saying how broken he is and some nonsense about his emotional needs meaning he needs gravitas and dynamism from his closest relationships!!? I won't be replying.
ladydesigner Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 What a class "A"sshat.. Good for you in keeping your promise to the BS. Keep NC, he sounds like a real piece of work. Unbelievable, I swear I hate men like this. Please stay NC for your sake and hers (BS).
Author myname Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 What a class "A"sshat.. Good for you in keeping your promise to the BS. Keep NC, he sounds like a real piece of work. Unbelievable, I swear I hate men like this. Please stay NC for your sake and hers (BS). I totally will stay NC, it's so much easier now that I know I would be breaking a promise I've made if I contact him. I don't want to have to explain to her what the hell I was doing again. I want to be able to hold my head up and know that finally I'm doing the right thing. The extra benefit will be that this manipulative man will be out of my life.
26pointblue Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 The same thing happened to me. My xMM apparently told his wife that he was waiting for me to move out of state & then this nightmare would be over. I already knew he lied to both her & me. Most of the things she told me, especially that he had moved back home, I already knew or suspected, so in a way it felt good to have my 'craziness' as he would call it [the fact that I knew the truth in my gut] confirmed. It didn't really feel good to answer her questions because I knew the answers would hurt her & I felt bad about that. It felt good to apologize to her because I did feel bad. She blamed it all on me & called me a homewrecker but was otherwise quite calm & police [i knew her before the A]. I felt rather sorry for her when she told me he's addicted to me & isn't strong enough to stop contacting me, so I need to stop contacting him. The best thing that came out of it was promising her I would stay out of their lives for good. By that time I had already gone NC with him [funny enough, she was suspecting him of still being with me because he was staying out late & gone -- I was in a different state at the time!], but it helped to have something other than me, or him, reinforce the idea of why I needed to stay NC. You're right, it does help with the NC process, good luck to you.
Author myname Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 Good for you. I'm glad you have the information you need to make a good choice for yourself. Can you block him to keep him from contacting you? If not and he keeps emailing you, I'd start forwarding them to his W. Blocking him is not much of an option, as he has all my work details and I'm reluctant to change them, and also as he has connections with my work he could get whatever new ones I got. Also he's previously got to me by threatening to out me at work so I'd rather be aware of what he's up to via my personal mail if he does get weird. But I'm thinking he is likely to be keeping his head down now he's come far too close for his comfort to losing her and his home.
Author myname Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 The same thing happened to me. My xMM apparently told his wife that he was waiting for me to move out of state & then this nightmare would be over. I already knew he lied to both her & me. Most of the things she told me, especially that he had moved back home, I already knew or suspected, so in a way it felt good to have my 'craziness' as he would call it [the fact that I knew the truth in my gut] confirmed. It didn't really feel good to answer her questions because I knew the answers would hurt her & I felt bad about that. It felt good to apologize to her because I did feel bad. She blamed it all on me & called me a homewrecker but was otherwise quite calm & police [i knew her before the A]. I felt rather sorry for her when she told me he's addicted to me & isn't strong enough to stop contacting me, so I need to stop contacting him. The best thing that came out of it was promising her I would stay out of their lives for good. By that time I had already gone NC with him [funny enough, she was suspecting him of still being with me because he was staying out late & gone -- I was in a different state at the time!], but it helped to have something other than me, or him, reinforce the idea of why I needed to stay NC. You're right, it does help with the NC process, good luck to you. Thanks, it does really help, whenever an urge at all for contact comes up, it's like a slap on the wrists, just don't. I wonder how much she believed of what I said too, but I know I didn't lie, didn't say anything unnecessary or hurtful either. I do know how good he can be at twisting things round and making black seem white though.
siuys Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Maybe it's silly, but I believe in karma. People cannot lie, cheat and continue to hurt people and get away with it. Something will come back and bite them. He has probably now lost both women, and you have the courage to go NC. He has shown his true colours – which is **** brown – so good luck with staying NC and to moving on, and living a happy life without him.
Author myname Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 Maybe it's silly, but I believe in karma. People cannot lie, cheat and continue to hurt people and get away with it. Something will come back and bite them. He has probably now lost both women, and you have the courage to go NC. He has shown his true colours – which is **** brown – so good luck with staying NC and to moving on, and living a happy life without him. Thanks, I have to stay NC now, which is good. I've given in too many times before.
Breezy Trousers Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 It seems to be a one step forward-two steps back process for lots of people here. I personally feel that affairs are usually abusive -- the MM is using the OW to abuse the spouse, and, once intimacy is established, MM uses the spouse to abuse the OW, etc. I'm sure it's unconscious, but it's abuse just the same. The fact that domestic violence victims have the same difficulties with no-contact as OW just underscores that belief for me. Hang in there!
Author myname Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 It seems to be a one step forward-two steps back process for lots of people here. I personally feel that affairs are usually abusive -- the MM is using the OW to abuse the spouse, and, once intimacy is established, MM uses the spouse to abuse the OW, etc. I'm sure it's unconscious, but it's abuse just the same. The fact that domestic violence victims have the same difficulties with no-contact as OW just underscores that belief for me. Hang in there! Oh, I am just about hanging in there, today's a bit harder, after over two years of what he convinced me was a relationship (however dodgy that must look to others and to me in retrospect) it's really quite upsetting to go from everyday contact to absolutely nothing. I do feel totally used and taken advantage of which isn't a nice feeling. I also feel kinda cross and like I want answers, you know like why, but know even if I was in contact I wouldn't be able to believe a word he said. Of course I do want comfort too, but what's the point of getting comfort from the person who hurt me. It is a kind of abuse all round.
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