jayinblue Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Hi All, I'm not much of a poster on this board, but I really appreciate the thoughts most people put on here, so I'd love to see if there are a few out there that fit. I'm early 30's married, toddler aged kid, married for 5 years. I had a lengthy (6 month) affair with someone my wife knows (it was physical and emotional). I broke it off after telling my wife (wish I had the courage earlier to discuss it first before ending up in this place). We've had physical / intimacy problems for a while. The last time we were physically intimate before the affair was when we conceived the baby (3 years). It had declined quite a bit even before that point (if I'm being honest, we were physically intimate about once every six months). I realize now looking back that we (or at least certainly me) had stopped appreciating her as a wife / life partner. We're in the gray area after all of this went down. We're still married, we were in counseling and she went out with someone else, partly because she wanted to hurt me, but I think mostly because she was very lonely after this all happened. I suppose I am just trying to figure out how to make this situation better for everyone in it. Thanks for taking the time to read. 1. For those guys who got to the space of recommitting, how did you get there? What things did you think about? If you tried recommitting and it didn't work out what were some of the hurdles to climb over? 2. For those who didn't, what kept you from doing so? Was there a decision / circumstance / situation that pushed you over the line? 3. How did you get over the person you had the affair with? I've been no contact (and I mean none) for 2 months and I'm still struggling to get over this other person. How long did the feelings go on for? Was there something that helped you move beyond it? I'm really having a problem with this point because I know its going to interfere with any thoughts of repairing the relationship. 4. Any good advice for books or things to read? Thanks in advance. I'm sure there are some very common themes in here, and I'm willing to learn and get better, but I'd love to benefit from others thoughts and experiences and try to get my family to a better place.
RRM Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 I'm sorry to hear that things are so difficult for you right now. I don't have any answers to your first 3 questions because I've never been cheated on and I've never had an affair with someone else. I am currently crushing on my boyfriend's friend, so I don't have very good advice on how to get someone out of your mind either. However, one book that I thought was good on relationships was called Love Is Never Enough by Dr. Aaron T Beck. It's a cognitive therapy approach to relationships. I found it helpful in my last relationship. If you are looking for books on how to move on after an affair, I'd do a search on Amazon.com. There are a few books written on the subject, but since I haven't read then and don't know anyone that has, it might be useful to read some reviews by others that have before purchasing a book. Good luck with this and I wish you the best.
Flabbergaster Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Welcome in, keep reading and I hope you find peace. I hope some better answers than mine post in...so that we can both benefit. 1. For those guys who got to the space of recommitting, how did you get there? What things did you think about? If you tried recommitting and it didn't work out what were some of the hurdles to climb over? From what i'm told and read...patience is very important. Apparently it takes 1-2 years for a couple to recover, typically. Remember...you hurt her badly, so you always have to be more considerate, now. Fix the communication problem that led to this. Find a way to deal with the intimacy issues. CHANGE. Get individual counseling to find out why you did this, and find out if you need to fix anything about yourself to become more monogamous. 2. For those who didn't, what kept you from doing so? Was there a decision / circumstance / situation that pushed you over the line? From people I knew...one or both of them just couldn't try. The BS couldn't move past the pain and find trust again, and didn't want to try. The WS felt that he/she wasn't willing to put effort into changing to fix the problems and earn forgiveness. 3. How did you get over the person you had the affair with? I've been no contact (and I mean none) for 2 months and I'm still struggling to get over this other person. How long did the feelings go on for? Was there something that helped you move beyond it? I'm really having a problem with this point because I know its going to interfere with any thoughts of repairing the relationship. You've read the NC guide, right? Read it daily. Give it time and hope that you'll get over her. Push her from your mind as much as you can. Just keep doing this and hope that it works. Lots of people say it helps them, so work the system. Very important: accept that you will not be with her. No, I mean REALLy accept it. This is the hard part; I'm still working on it. Time helps with this one, apparently. 4. Any good advice for books or things to read? Loveshack. Heavily. Maybe spend some time over on the OW/OM board as well. _After the Affair_ _My husband's affair became the best thing..._ and _How to help your spouse heal from the affair_ both look good, but i haven't read.
tomcatf14g Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 im a BS going thru the fallout after my wifes affair. but i do believe in second chances and forgivness. i have never cheated myself so i cant help u much from that point of view. But what i do know is that first u need to forgive yourself for what u have done. you need to be completely honest and open with your wife. be prepared for her to have strong feelings about it all. I can tell you from experiance your betrayal has hurt her more than u will ever know. but it is possible to save the situation if she is willing to. I would suggest reading the Love Dareby stephen and alex kendrick. it has taught me an awful lot about love, patience, and forgivness. I would also recommend the Five love languages. what you have done is an ultimate betrayal. You have hurt your wife deeper than if you physically cut her to the bone. Im going thru the hurt and pain now that u have put her thru. For me i am still commited to my marriage so if my wife decides to try again i am willing to. your wife may not be or may never want to. you need to be patient. generally listen to how she feels. be prepared to open yourself like an open book because u are going to have to rebuild trust. You need to seek IC and MC. I also suggest going to church and trying to develop a relationship with god. regardless you need to take a deep look inside and find the reason for why you betrayed your wife. it sounds to me that u atleast have a chance to save your marriage and i personally beleive thats usally the prefered soulution especially with kids. but u have an uphill battle. you need to take it slow and let her make all the moves. listen truly to everything she has to say. work on yourself so you can show her this wont happen again. be completely honest and understanding of her feelings. dont try and shift blame or place any of it on her. she may have made mistakes but u chose to stray not her. you need to have a serious heart to heart talk with her to and spend more time listening instead of talking or trying to defend your actions. thats all i got. I know for me these are some of things i need to see from my wife before i even consider working it out with her. if you are willing to do this then u have a good chance.
Author jayinblue Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 Thanks all, I am still trying to figure out what to do. Unfortunately, after I came clean about the other relationship, my wife went out and "dated" (not sure what to call it), another guy which has now ended. I guess I'm stuck in this nervous / unsettled phase. I can't tell which way is up anymore and I don't know how to get some clarity on this situation. Since I am the one who really screwed up, I know its up to me to do more of the heavy lifting, but nothing in this situation is making any sense to me, and frankly, I don't know how much longer I can take the present circumstance. Then again, I don't believe I'm interested in a divorce either... Of course, this may be out of my hands already, but I can't tell. Any other thoughts here?
SidLyon Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 (edited) Thanks all, I am still trying to figure out what to do. Unfortunately, after I came clean about the other relationship, my wife went out and "dated" (not sure what to call it), another guy which has now ended. I guess I'm stuck in this nervous / unsettled phase. I can't tell which way is up anymore and I don't know how to get some clarity on this situation. Since I am the one who really screwed up, I know its up to me to do more of the heavy lifting, but nothing in this situation is making any sense to me, and frankly, I don't know how much longer I can take the present circumstance. Then again, I don't believe I'm interested in a divorce either... Of course, this may be out of my hands already, but I can't tell. Any other thoughts here? Was the affair with someone you met via work. Shirley Glass's book "Not Just Friends" gives good advice. Not everyone agrees but I believe you will need to be completely honest with your wife about what happened and why. This includes not making her feel uncomfortable for wanting to know the details. You also need to be totally transparent with her now. Let her know where you are all the time, don't be late, give her you phone when she wants it, give her access to all your e-mail accounts and passwords. This will get less onerous with time as she gradually regains trust in you. Be prepared for it to take a long time. You may need to see a counselor or therapist about the lack of sex. Being in a sexless marriage is no fun and because of your affair you may well have to wait a while for this to resume. You also need to communicate with her about the lack of sex life and find out what she wants ie whether she hopes to resume normal relations in the future. If she wants to stay married but have no sex then that's yet another problem and if that's what she wants you have to consider whether it's what you want. One thing you haven't said is whether your wife even wants to reconcile. What I've said above is on the assumption she does. What do you mean when you say you don't how much longer you can take it? What is it that you are having trouble with? Edited May 11, 2011 by SidLyon
love4me2c Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 I was both a BS (betrayed spouse) and a WS (wayward spouse). I know both sides of this coin, unfortunately. For me, it took me separating from my husband (WS) to end my revenge affair. It ended almost immediately, upon moving out. The affair was only good for one thing, which was to get back at my husband and prove I was still a desirable woman to the opposite sex. At the time, I thought I was "in love." Nothing could be further from the truth. The reality is that if the two of you, your OW and you, were to really be together, the spark and intensity of being in an affair would be gone, which is what attracts you to that relationship in the first place. Trust me on this. I know it is hard to understand that, but I've read many books on this subject and that is why relationships that are born from affairs have a 3% or less chance of success. Of course, "success" is also a very subjective term, so I'm not sure how successful that 3% really is either.
TMCM Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 What's the meaning of WS and BS? WS = wayward spouse = the spouse who cheated - WH or WW BS = betrayed spouse - BH or BW OP = other person = the affair partner or lover - OM or OW
reboot Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/faq.php?faq=messages#faq_acronyms
kevinm1019 Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 I was both a BS (betrayed spouse) and a WS (wayward spouse). I know both sides of this coin, unfortunately. For me, it took me separating from my husband (WS) to end my revenge affair. It ended almost immediately, upon moving out. The affair was only good for one thing, which was to get back at my husband and prove I was still a desirable woman to the opposite sex. At the time, I thought I was "in love." Nothing could be further from the truth. The reality is that if the two of you, your OW and you, were to really be together, the spark and intensity of being in an affair would be gone, which is what attracts you to that relationship in the first place. Trust me on this. I know it is hard to understand that, but I've read many books on this subject and that is why relationships that are born from affairs have a 3% or less chance of success. Of course, "success" is also a very subjective term, so I'm not sure how successful that 3% really is either. Hi Love4Me2C... in hindsight... do you have regrets? I've been on both sides of this coin as well. 1st as the "BS" then as the "WS". Do you have any regrets? Do you think you could have reconciled? Just curious... why or why not? Just want a woman's perspective... outside of the revenge... what helped you to make the decision to share yourself with someone else vs. moving on?
Author jayinblue Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 Was the affair with someone you met via work. Shirley Glass's book "Not Just Friends" gives good advice. I wish it was, unfortunately, its someone in my neighborhood and someone whom my wife knows and sees occasionally. Since I'm trying to do the no contact thing, this also means I cannot go back to my house and risk seeing her. It sounds crazy, but I still have very intense feelings for this person, so I think the only way to get to a place where a reconcile would be possible is to do this is not to be anywhere around her or see her. Not everyone agrees but I believe you will need to be completely honest with your wife about what happened and why. This includes not making her feel uncomfortable for wanting to know the details. You also need to be totally transparent with her now. Let her know where you are all the time, don't be late, give her you phone when she wants it, give her access to all your e-mail accounts and passwords. This will get less onerous with time as she gradually regains trust in you. Be prepared for it to take a long time. I have been completely transparent. It of course represents another difficult problem because if I'm being transparent, I have to say "yes" when my wife asks if I still have feelings for her. It also causes a problem when I have to tell my wife that I'm avoiding our home because of the risk that I could see this person, and have some of the feelings rekindled. I don't know whether this is the right approach or a stupid one. Its what I mean about not knowing which way is up... You may need to see a counselor or therapist about the lack of sex. Being in a sexless marriage is no fun and because of your affair you may well have to wait a while for this to resume. You also need to communicate with her about the lack of sex life and find out what she wants ie whether she hopes to resume normal relations in the future. If she wants to stay married but have no sex then that's yet another problem and if that's what she wants you have to consider whether it's what you want. One thing you haven't said is whether your wife even wants to reconcile. What I've said above is on the assumption she does. This is part of the problem as well. We were already in trouble on this point before the affair (IMO), and now adding the affair where this wasn't an issue brings up an entirely new set of problems. I feel like such a dirtbag (and I should I know), but I don't know how to sort this problem out, when / if to find out if she's interested in seeing if that part of the relationship can be saved - and whether its something she wants to save or not. What do you mean when you say you don't how much longer you can take it? What is it that you are having trouble with? Just the fact that if I'm being honest, I really did fall hard for the OW and even now, two months after no contact, no seeing her at all, I've still got feelings there for her. For every reason under planet earth, not to mention a general sense of duty and responsibility, I really do feel like I want to fix this marriage, but I'm also deeply concerned about my ability (and hers) to do so with the current circumstances. I guess its the lonely / distant part, and the struggle between being a "good" person to your wife and family and simultaneously having powerful feelings for someone else. In many ways, I just feel so chewed up inside, and I don't know what to do about it.
whichwayisup Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Its what I mean about not knowing which way is up... I wish it was, unfortunately, its someone in my neighborhood and someone whom my wife knows and sees occasionally. Since I'm trying to do the no contact thing, this also means I cannot go back to my house and risk seeing her. It sounds crazy, but I still have very intense feelings for this person, so I think the only way to get to a place where a reconcile would be possible is to do this is not to be anywhere around her or see her. Does your wife know that she was the OW? What happens when you and your wife do start to work things out? Do you move so you can avoid that other person who lives close to where you live?
love4me2c Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Hi Love4Me2C... in hindsight... do you have regrets? I've been on both sides of this coin as well. 1st as the "BS" then as the "WS". Do you have any regrets? Do you think you could have reconciled? Just curious... why or why not? Just want a woman's perspective... outside of the revenge... what helped you to make the decision to share yourself with someone else vs. moving on? My H and I had problems before the affair. I actually wished I had left sooner, but I was afraid of the unknown. Also you always seem to receive the standard advice: "Attempt to save the marriage." I just could not see beyond wanting to cause him pain. The more I engaged in the affair the more in control I felt about it. It was so dysfunctional. I was so mad and hurt, I immaturely acted out my revenge by sleeping with another man. I absolutely do regret having a revenge affair. It is, so far, the biggest regret of my life. It made me lie to friends, family, and myself. No we would not have reconciled, but I would have kept my dignity in tact. Now, I'm just as bad as he is. Not only were my H and I not a good match in general, but he refused to provide details about his affair. The only thing I knew was that her panties were found in my dryer after washing the dirty clothes he had brought back from a business trip. I never did know who "she" was. I'm sure I never will either. I'm glad I'm out of it. It was hell. I always try to counsel people on here to NEVER have a revenge affair. It only hurts yourself, IMHO.
Author jayinblue Posted May 12, 2011 Author Posted May 12, 2011 Does your wife know that she was the OW? What happens when you and your wife do start to work things out? Do you move so you can avoid that other person who lives close to where you live? Wife knows she was the OW. In terms of where to love, I honestly don't know. Its the most frightening part of this for me. Everywhere I read says no contact, but now I have a situation I can't avoid. Worse, I miss the OW so much sometimes I don't know what to do with myself. I guess its normal lonely feelings, but it felt this way alot in my marriage before the affair, and now the feeling is coming back. It just makes me feel ill. I really am f"ing shocked how stupidly I screwed this stuff up.
kevinm1019 Posted May 13, 2011 Posted May 13, 2011 My H and I had problems before the affair. I actually wished I had left sooner, but I was afraid of the unknown. Also you always seem to receive the standard advice: "Attempt to save the marriage." I just could not see beyond wanting to cause him pain. The more I engaged in the affair the more in control I felt about it. It was so dysfunctional. I was so mad and hurt, I immaturely acted out my revenge by sleeping with another man. I absolutely do regret having a revenge affair. It is, so far, the biggest regret of my life. It made me lie to friends, family, and myself. No we would not have reconciled, but I would have kept my dignity in tact. Now, I'm just as bad as he is. Not only were my H and I not a good match in general, but he refused to provide details about his affair. The only thing I knew was that her panties were found in my dryer after washing the dirty clothes he had brought back from a business trip. I never did know who "she" was. I'm sure I never will either. I'm glad I'm out of it. It was hell. I always try to counsel people on here to NEVER have a revenge affair. It only hurts yourself, IMHO. Thank you very much for your insight and willingness to share. My revenge affair was after hearing each and every year how my SO's ex-open relationship partners had such a powerful impact on her life (even though they wouldn't commit to her) and what they meant to her despite the fact I was helping her raise her son (while her deadbeat ex-husband got a free ride for the most part) and had a child with her. The coupe de gras for me was "the ex-open relationship partner" who meant the most to her just happen to show up at a hotel she was staying at during her business trip and "she hid him in her room to not be discovered by her co-workers and leave the wrong perception... although they ONLY kissed... " LMAO!!! The reason for the kiss... although the arrival was unexpected... "I wanted to see if I still had feelings.... but never expected him to show up at my hotel" (Although the only way he could have shown up was because she told him where she would be staying). Like you... we had problems before that... one of those problems being our intimacy was horrible and if I expressed any desire towards her... "all you think about is sex... and you are sick in the head...etc. So I finally just got fed up with being rejected, disrespected, not listened to, being treated badly, cursed at all the time, blamed for everything and basically told the relationship with our stepson was all my fault and she had no responsibility or accountability with his poor attitude and behavior per her influence or demonstrations towards me. So... I met someone on a plane... we began talking... got to know each other for a few months... and we decided to have sex because I thought that would help me feel better about me, being rejected, disrespected, etc. In hindsight... if I could take it all back or reverse the clock... I would... because like you said... you become the person who hurt you the most and lose dignity. At the moment it seemed gratifying but the truth is... when I looked in the mirror... I knew that person wasn't truly me and who I was. The funny thing is I didn't have my first intimate experience until I got married so I knew I made a very poor choice. Now... even with the continued infidelity from my SO and the most recent events a year ago... I will NEVER compromise myself in that manner again. For me... I'm at a crossroads where as much as I want to have hope for our relationship and family... I realize my SO's way of defining herself is through the attention and events with another man outside of our relationship if the relationship does not fit the "knight in shining armor" motif. The sad part about is I love her but realize she is 40 years old and may show signs of improvement but the truth is... water is wet... whether you heat it, freeze it, mix coloring with it... when broken down to base properties... it's still wet. Giving a communications class my "last go round" and if this doesn't improve things and create a sense of honor, respect, dedication, loyalty, love, devotion... etc. I am moving on...
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