Choosing between a first love and my new girlfriend.

[nirza]

it is so difficult trying to get over the ex business, but let me tell u my story.. I had been living with my bf for 6 months then he started acting up like getting mad at every small thing, and always going out with his friends and didn't want to tell me where he was going. anyway, we broke up.. I had met this new guy during my break up but i never left the feelings for my bf.. after 4 months he was trying to get back to me and he seemed all sincere and honest that I believed in him, of course, i was still in love with him. So, we got back together, just that this time,I am now pregnant and we are now back into the same deal.. he wants to be out, getting mad at minor stuff.. I don't think someone can change... If I would have known, I would have never gone back with him.. even for the love that I felt, I should have stayed with the new guy I met.. He was way nicer

 

a person shows who they are from the beginning.. i hope this personal experience helps

[loft]

@Loft

It sucks doesn't it? I don't want to hurt anyone, least of all my new girl who was caught in the crossfire and is head over heels for me. Im curious, are you experiencing a loss of interest in the new girl due to this? I have been finding myself with a lack of desire to spend time with her or put in the effort I used to. What about you?

 

It does suck. It's the most confused I've ever been in my life.

 

You're right, since the ex has tried to come back, it has changed something towards the new girl. It's almost like I'm looking for faults in her as an excuse to go back. It's not good at all. Have you been doing this?

 

What do your friends & family think? My friends can't believe I would ever consider going back, but there is just some weird feeling I can't shake.

 

I didn't think it was possible to have feelings for two people. It seems like we both do, I have no idea how to decide what to do.

[stace79]

Seriously, you need to cut contact with your ex completely unless and until you break things off for good with your gf. What you are doing is not fair, and I would call it emotional infidelity.

 

Frankly, I think your current gf deserves better, and so for her sake I think you should break up with her and let her find someone who won't make her the "alternate".

 

Because let's all be honest - if you knew your ex wasn't the same person as before, you'd get back together with her in a heart beat.

 

It is your responsibility as this girl's BOYFRIEND to tell your ex that you cannot consider being with her until you have ended the current relationship. Anything else is unfair to your girlfriend.

 

Stop trying to have your cake and eat it, too. If you break up with your girlfriend and find out your ex is still the same person and the R still has the same issues, you will be alone for awhile, which is probably what you need. But don't keep your gf hanging on a string just so you have her as a fallback should you decide your ex is still the same.

 

Ugh, having been in your current gf's shoes, I really feel for her and this situation makes me angry.

[Maxish]

Stay with the new girl you don't have the past too look into like you do with your ex. And drop the ex before it takes it's toll on your new relationship. But it's your choice and if your going too be with the new girl forever thinking of you ex you might as well not lead your new girl on.

[Graceful]

Go back (in your mind and memory) to your old relationship. Think back on when and how it went south (and sour). Go back to how you were treated by your ex. Go back to how she made you feel.

 

Go back to the way you used to be and see if you feel like you are the same person that you were when you met your ex. Do you have the same priorities when it comes to relationships? Do you have the same goals? What are you looking for? Do you want another LTR?

 

No one here can tell you what to do because we don't know enough about what broke the two of you up in the first place, except your ex dumped you, hurt you, it took a toll on you, made you miserable, and it took a long time to recover. Now she wants to come back to you, with her tail between her legs, right?

 

I get a sick feeling about your ex. I think you're going to feel like you're going backwards with her. She was fine for that stage of your life, but she's history now, a great chapter in some of your years coming into adulthood. But that's it. She's not the future.

 

The problem now is that she has stirred up trouble for you. I'd resent that, if I were you. Don't take it as an ego boost that she wants you back, take it as an ego boost for her. I don't think there's anything in it for you to go back -- as back, to me, means backwards.

 

And if the new girl isn't right for you, that's a separate issue. If she's not right for you, then break it off. I feel for her too, along with other posters. She deserves better treatment than this, and you should know better, especially after being badly hurt yourself, not that long ago. Do the right thing, and the sooner the better. Good luck.

[DD1]

Do you feel like the reasons why you and your ex broke up have been addressed while you were apart? And I mean both on your side and on hers. And were those issues something that could be easily fixed, or more fundamental?

I don't believe that fundamental issued (values, life goals, compatibility, etc.) can be fixed between two people. But if you guys only needed a new perspective on things, and maybe mature a little, it could very well work out. You can't go back only because of the "nice memories" and all that stuff because you can recreate that with someone else. But if you truly believe that you were most compatible with your ex and that you're both on the same page in life now, then as much as you try to tell yourself that the new girl is what is "best" for you, your heart won't be in it anymore. I personally think that your heart is already not in it, or you wouldn't need to be here on LS asking for advice and you would have just rejected the ex right away.

You know her best, did anything in her change since you broke up? Any positive changes? What did she learn in your time apart?

 

Good luck!

[Yellowbug]

I don't believe I am trying to find an answer I want to hear, I just want to hear if there are two ends to this thing. I honestly don't know what I want exactly. I love both girls, but in completely different ways. With my first love I am attached and I have all these warm memories and feelings associated with her, and its hard to think I will never experience them again with her, especially when she is here in front of me offering her devotion back to me.

 

With the new girl, I find myself excited and eager to go on adventures with her and have a lot of fun. She is completely, and I mean completely, devoted to me and thinks I am the perfect guy for her. She is gorgeous and caring, and treats me in a way that would make other guys jealous. One problem with her is that she is already talking as if we will be together forever and we are soul mates and stuff like that. It puts all this pressure on me to be the perfect guy for her, and I feel so guilty that I am not completely over my ex like I thought I was. It would absolutely crush her to leave her for any reason.

 

Back to my ex, I was completely happy without her and fully into my new girl (it had been months since my ex and myself stopped contact before I dated the new girl). It was easy for me to "move on" and be happy when I knew she was this shell of a person she used to be now that she was in college and that she didn't want me. The best way for me to describe it is that she was one person, the girl I loved, before we went to college. We had very few problems and things were bliss. After we went to college, she became somebody else. We made it through a year of college together but it wasnt the same. It has been around 5 months since she last gave me the run around and I broke contact with her, but it has been 8 months since the breakup. The girl I talked with the other night was definitely the old girl, the one I loved before college. She was sincere and I could see the change, and I could tell she was very ashamed and disgusted with what she had put me through. And I find myself justifying that since she had never had the freedom to experience life on her own, she needed to realize the shallowness of the party scene on her own to realize the importance of what we had. This may be a stupid justification made by a guy clouded by his feelings for the first love, granted.

 

This is what gives me the conflict. I feel like I am choosing between the genuine girl that I first loved and shared all my experiences with and this new girl that would give me the world if she could and treats me right. I know the new girl deserves full dedication from me, and that is why I want to make a decision soon so I can go full force in either direction and not look back. I just know I am really going to hurt somebody. So I have just been giving it some time to think about it and posting on these forums, obviously. And I am thinking about what you guys have said on your posts. It really helps me see things from an outside perspective, and I appreciate it. I wrote this piece to try to clarify things a little bit and give more detail. Thoughts?

 

Okay, so in a perfect world this is what should happen . . . Your ex should respect that you are in a relationship . . . She should support your decision to be with another girl, and leave the decision up to you to stay or go . . . If you can't make the decision and are confused, then she should be mature enough to make the decision for both of you and walk away . . . I mean she needs to live her life as well, and it would be wrong of you to keep her dangling . . . If she loves you as much as she says, then she will move forward and maybe your paths will cross in the future . . . Love is strange, but if you choose to stay with the current girlfriend, then your ex should be happy for you because she loves you that much . . . AND THAT's HOW IT's DONE FOLKS:)

 

Now, I do agree that if you cannot make up your mind, and your ex is persistant, then you MUST go NC . . . You will drive yourself insane, and the new girl will never have a chance . . . Just think of it this way . . . . If you go NC with your ex, and then go 110% with the current girl, and then things don't turn around in your mind in the next 6-12 months, then you need to leave the new gal alone!!!!!

Edited May 19, 2011 by Yellowbug

[zlatnapolja]

I would just like to say that first loves will ALWAYS be first loves, however there is a reason why you two are broken up and it should stay that way.

 

My first love is from almost 10 years ago... I still sometimes catch myself daydreaming of those careful, young, vulnerable days... Him and I have that relationship where one of us always, without fail rings every 6 months "to catch up"... I'm pretty sure I'll be 95 and still be expecting his call every 6 months on the 3rd day of the month...

 

I have memories of our time together (also 3 years) that will always have a very special place in my heart. I will tell my daughter about him someday and he will ALWAYS be my first love. But, we always say, even until this day say that we are each others soul mates but we live two comletely different lifes, have completely different morals and values and realistically it would NEVER EVER EVER work. We have both accepted we will always have a place for each other just not in our lives.

 

Please leave the ex in the past. Where she belongs.

 

I'm in a situation right now, where I have the choice to be with my exboyfriend who I broke up with 2 days ago, my first love (dated him for almost 3 year, broke up 1m5 years ago) who hasnt gotten over me yet and who I have had a lot of contact with over the last few days, or to choose myself.

 

I think you just helped me a lot thank you!!! This is exactly what I needed to hear:D

[Yellowbug]

It does suck. It's the most confused I've ever been in my life.

 

You're right, since the ex has tried to come back, it has changed something towards the new girl. It's almost like I'm looking for faults in her as an excuse to go back. It's not good at all. Have you been doing this?

 

What do your friends & family think? My friends can't believe I would ever consider going back, but there is just some weird feeling I can't shake.

 

I didn't think it was possible to have feelings for two people. It seems like we both do, I have no idea how to decide what to do.

 

The feelings you are experiencing are real . . . ! Trust the fact that since the ex is in the picture and you still have feelings for her/him is the reason why you are looking for faults in the current girl . . . You have not buried the feelings from the past, and they are re-surfacing . . . You must go no contact with the ex, or break up with the current girl . . . Otherwise, your brain will swim . . . I don't know how long you can live like that, but it does not feel good . . . My ex did this to me when he was having feelings for another . . . He started picking me apart for the things he originally fell in love with me for . . . I was so confused . . . This is your deal, so take responsibility and make a decision

[IfiKnewThen]

my 2 cents

 

WHY. that is the big question here. WHY? why do you want the ex back? maybe this will help you see...

 

if you broke up with your ex, you would NOT be having this question on your mind.

 

SHE broke up with you. there is something profoundly unsettling about that. and its called "unrequited love". it seems like you didnt have full closure either. so you were still left with those "loving feelings" for her (your ex), still lingering.

 

you probably told yourself 1000 times, if you had the chance to have her back, all that you would do to make that happen again.

 

but you know it wasnt a picnic. just guessing here. but you are a devoted guy and sound romantic too. and that kind of personality and core values draws you back to your "first love" also. you take that and add it to unrequited love...and you end up feeling you have "unfinished business". then you take the case in point that she is professing to be repentant, self reflecting and wanting to do better and it is beyond tempting. so naturally, even as attracted as you are to the new girl, you now become more and more distracted by the minute, by the want of the ex.

 

so that is probably WHY you feel this way. aka, in turmoil and in love still. but it does NOT mean you ARE absolutely in love anymore. not really.

 

i will tell you this also, and trust me this is true.....you likely feel the new girl is so in love with you (or getting there) and so devoted, that you THINK it will be less risky to leave her, verses risking losing this ONE chance you now have with your ex.

 

now i have been on both sides of this coin. i longed for an ex while having a much better guy in front of me. i tried to juggle both, and i couldnt give in the way i would have liked to, while pining over the first guy...or ex.

 

it also happened, that when i met the ex, i was in a very bad place in my life and was vulnerable and had many stresses in my life. and the ex made me feel alive again. so i put so much stock in that ex and put them on this stupid pedestal. but the ex...looking back on it all now...no where near deserved being on that pedestal. it was just that all the events surrounding that ex, were good times...but the ex themselves were not so good. didnt belong on the pedestal. i hope i am not confusing you.

 

i also started to resent the ex for coming back into the picture...and messing with my head more. your ex may have been great. but mine was a selfish person. i ended up staying with the new person but my head still being on the ex...i think...really messed me up and any chance of the new relationship working out. so it was selfish of me to stay with the new person. and be a dream widow to the ex.

 

i have also been the ex wanting to go back and do it all better with the new person when they dumped me. and it is possible people change.

 

ok heres the hard part. you must break it off with both of them and tell them you ARENT ready for anyone. also, be honest with the new girl, as to whats going on ...i mean dont tell her you think you still love the old girl (ex). ...because you really dont know if you do or not. trust me, the want and the chase and longing are not necessarily love or healthy love. nor is fantasy reconciliations. this doesnt mean the ex is hopeless or cant end up being your wife someday and you live happily ever after. but you need to fly solo right now, or the weight on your wings will drag everyone under.

 

so maybe tell the new girl, you realize you have old baggage from the previous relationship still on your plate, and unfinished business from the past and you cant give to her like this without a clear head. that does not mean you dont talk to her. and does not mean you tell her you think youre in love with the ex. it means you dont get intimate and spend time dating, whereas she ends up bonding with you and getting more involved and hurt. tell her your life with her or anyone is on hold right now. i would tell the old girl (ex) this too.

 

if you want tell both girls your maybe going into therapy. and honestly consider it.

 

your brain cannot serve 2 masters. that doesnt serve you proper. you will be in constant conflict. then when one girl does something wrong...you will have the advantage of turning towards the other. and this is an illusion..trust me. you will the other girl is better whom you turn to.

 

 

get away from them both. and DONT be intimate with either one of them.

i dont care if you have to take a vacation. i don't want to see you get hurt and ruin your life. the only way to know this answer for certain and what you are willing to risk, is to STEP BACK for a realistic period of time and fly solo. but dont cut contact. cut involvement. and keep any contact minimal. extremely minimal with BOTH. just to emails for now. seriously.

 

good luck to you and God bless.

[Jono85]

Seriously, you need to cut contact with your ex completely unless and until you break things off for good with your gf. What you are doing is not fair, and I would call it emotional infidelity.

 

Frankly, I think your current gf deserves better, and so for her sake I think you should break up with her and let her find someone who won't make her the "alternate".

 

Because let's all be honest - if you knew your ex wasn't the same person as before, you'd get back together with her in a heart beat.

 

It is your responsibility as this girl's BOYFRIEND to tell your ex that you cannot consider being with her until you have ended the current relationship. Anything else is unfair to your girlfriend.

 

Stop trying to have your cake and eat it, too. If you break up with your girlfriend and find out your ex is still the same person and the R still has the same issues, you will be alone for awhile, which is probably what you need. But don't keep your gf hanging on a string just so you have her as a fallback should you decide your ex is still the same.

 

Ugh, having been in your current gf's shoes, I really feel for her and this situation makes me angry.

 

again i whole heartedly agree with stace79

 

sorry i didn't read ahead in the thread past this post.

 

but up to this point, it's terrible what the OP is doing. please break up with your new gf as this is totally unfair to her. i'm not even sure i remember you saying you talked to the new gf about your confusion over her and the ex. you're saying you need space to her without telling her why? you're admitting on here that since the whole situation arised you feel less attracted to your new gf??

 

it's pretty disgusting you haven't broken up with her imo. and having also been in the new gf's shoes (only the new bf obv...) this also makes me pretty upset b/c my ex did exactly what you're doing. stalling, becoming distant from me out of nowhere, not telling me that her ex wanted her back or was back in her life, still telling me things like 'i love you' and having an amazing evening, followed by days of distance and utter confusion by me...it's a joke. i eventually found out on my own, and she's scum for having this go on for many weeks and basically deciding who she wanted to be with while i was totally in the dark. feeling used is terrible. end your current relationship immedietely even if you haven't decided yet...clearly your heart is not 100% devoted to your new gf, and that's a huge problem.

Edited May 21, 2011 by Jono85

[yerbigpops]

You guys are right. I have no business being with my new gf. It is unfair to her, and she doesn't deserve to be used by me while I stall for time. I am not feeling interested in her like I should be, and I shouldnt have to convince myself to be into her. It should just be natural, and if my ex can make me so confused in a heartbeat then my feelings for the new girl are not as real as I thought they were anyways. It is unfair to let her feelings for me grow while I make a decision. I am not a bad person, and I dont want to get in the habit of using people.

 

It is worth mentioning that she got super serious with me within a month, saying the L word even. It has me a little freaked out, and I guess I have been using that as an excuse to distance myself from her, and has made my ex look that much more attractive. I believe what I really need right now is no commitment to either one, and time to be single and on my own. I am not healthy for anyone right now. I just need time to sort out my feelings and do productive things for myself such as work on my degree and job. It is just hard because I know in my head that she is a catch and any guy would be lucky to have her, but my heart does not feel this way.

 

The only problem I have now is how to break it to her? I have never broken up with someone before, and I dont have any idea how to do it. She will be devastated, as I am her world. Any advice? Thank you guys in advance, and I am sorry for all of you who have been hurt by somebody like me. At least know that I didnt mean for this to happen and I realize unfairness of your position.

[stace79]

I think you need to sit down with her and tell her face to face. I don't know that I would bring up your ex, as that might add needless suffering (feeling you chose ex over her).

 

I would explain to her that your feelings are not moving along as quickly as hers, and that you feel she is a wonderful person and deserves someone who reciprocates her feelings.

 

Yes, she will be devastated and will cry, but after you let her do that, then YOU need to be the strong one and back off; don't let her suck you back in even if you feel badly about hurting her. You will be doing the right thing. Best of luck. I hope you figure everything out.