GivenUp0083 Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=276521&highlight=crazy As the story above shows, my gf broke up with me almost a week. So far I've been really good at no contact. I've been up and down like a rollercoaster on how I feel. Sometimes I'm angry and disgusted with her and how she could be so good to me and make future plans with me then end it so abruptly and tell me "I'm here for you if you need me" at the end of it all. But I'd say most of the time I still miss her. I've only considered breaking NC a couple times, but I still haven't. The days are getting longer, and I'm supposed to be feeling better every day, and I do, but it only feel like a little bit, and I still miss her. I'm at the point where I really wish she would call me and tell me she made a mistake in ending our relationship, but my friends have told me that if she does it won't be for a while as she won't realize that until she hits the real world and leaves the "true love wannabe" fantasy world she's living in right now. I don't know what to do. Her birthday is coming up in two weeks. I hadn't gotten her a gift yet and I don't plan to buy her anything, but a part of me wants to hold my dignity and say nothing to her on her bday. Others are telling me just 1 text msg saying happy bday would be a decent move. As well as I know her, she would be VERY upset or mad or both if I did NOT wish her happy bday. She did a lot for me on my bday and spent quite a bit of money on me (a trip up to a lake resort, 2 fancy dinners, a cake, 3 small gifts which I threw out already). What should I do? I don't want to call to beg, I'd never do that, I just want to hear her voice again. Maybe she thinks I hate her for breaking up and based on her saying "I'm here for you" over and over in emails and chat that I get the feeling she wants me to contact her. I'm truly lost. My head tells me one thing and my heart tells me another.
veggirl Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 No you do not break NC for this. Who cares if she is mad that you don't say happy birthday? She is an ex. She is not in your life anymore.
CrazyMiner Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 If you WANT to send her a text and feel you are sending it to someone you care about, then go for it. But don't necessarily expect even a reply. If you have only been broken up a week then all your feelings are still going to be really raw, I mean my GF of 8 years told me she wanted to separate 2 months ago and I'm still feeling pretty low about things, though working on myself. If you are going to send it, keep it short. A simple 'Happy Birthday!' would be fine. I wouldn't put anything more than that really. Stick to keeping things short and sweet. However, if you perhaps want her back, not sending her a text may make her miss you, especially on her birthday. She might be angry, but not sending her anything will still make her realise that she has lost you from her life and that she can't expect you to treat things the same way seeing as she was the one who walked out the door. The option is yours. My ex's birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I can tell you now that when it approaches I will be having exactly the same issue of whether to send a text or not. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck, just remember that if you do send a text you may not get back what you were expecting or hoping for.
JasonRules Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 When she decided to break up with you, she decided that she wanted you out of her life. Since this is the case, you need to do just that. Get out of her life.
Author GivenUp0083 Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 When she decided to break up with you, she decided that she wanted you out of her life. Since this is the case, you need to do just that. Get out of her life. She has said otherwise on the phone and via email. She claims to still want me in her life and she has repeatedly told me "I want you to know that I'm here for you if you need to talk"
Still Searching Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 ^^^ +1. Simple as that, really. Don't break NC. If I was a betting man, I'd bet that contacting her won't make you feel any better at the end of it all.
JimmyB26 Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Her saying "I'm here for you" is really her way of saying this: "I want to know that I'm still important in your life enough to be on your mind, because that means I get to keep my foot in the door for the future, just in case I'm ever bored. But if I'm here for you, it'll be on my terms, when and how I want." She wants your attention. Selfishly. She's there for you because she wants you to be telling this stuff to her and not to other people, or worse, some other girl. I've been there, man. She doesn't give a crap about what you're actually going through, because if she did, she wouldn't put you through it. I've been told before that on your ex's birthday you should be banging her best friend. Sounds good to me.
ummike26 Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 She knows somewhere inside her that you are well aware of her b-day and even that you wish her well despite what she put you through.. There is no need to text her. She left you knowing all of this beforehand and was completely cool with eliminating you from her life. Remain NC!
JasonRules Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 She has said otherwise on the phone and via email. She claims to still want me in her life and she has repeatedly told me "I want you to know that I'm here for you if you need to talk" Man Rule #1 Never pay attention to what a woman tells you. Always pay attention to her actions and never her words. My ex told me the last week she saw me multiple times "I still have very strong feelings for you", yet it's been just over 2 months of NC on my part and have not heard one peep from her. Actions speak louder than words. Words mean nothing. Don't hang out anyone's word. Watch what they do, not say.
guy777 Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 My advice is send her a Happy Birthday text but do not expect a reply. If she does reply, write, "I'd like to chat but some girls from work are dragging me out for cocktails, have fun tonight". . . Do not contact her after that until she texts you a few more times, or calls you. Keep your phone text contact extremely short. Only offer that you don't have much time for this, but you can make available a night the following week for her to come over. Make her come to you. Of course, never say that you still have feelings for a long, long time after you two get back together, if you do. If you get back together, and I wouldn't recommit to it for several weeks, she will be begging for you to tell you about your feelings, but don't do it. All this is easier said than done, but I think that's your best chance to get her back if you want to. My guess is that if you follow this plan, you'll bang a couple more times, then she'll stop coming around. You just decide if you're ok with that likely outcome, or you would rather just move on. Of course it could also workout, but not likely. We typically only get one chance with a woman.
LoveHurts89 Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 If you feel it's right to send a text, do. Read this post: http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=381563 Basically, after NC, she decided to text him happy birthday. He said how happy he was to hear from her and was scared to contact her after ending it and realising he'd made a mistake. They're now working through their problems.
Author GivenUp0083 Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 If you feel it's right to send a text, do. Read this post: http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=381563 Basically, after NC, she decided to text him happy birthday. He said how happy he was to hear from her and was scared to contact her after ending it and realising he'd made a mistake. They're now working through their problems. Thank you for this. This is what has been in my mind. I was somewhat standoffish about the break up, I had told her long before the breakup that I typically do not like to stay in touch with ex's, and then when she ended it I said she was making a mistake and I said goodbye. When she tried to reach out again, I told her I didn't want to talk to her again unless she really had something serious to say to me. I'm sure my tone could scare her off. I guess I'll consider the text on her bday. It's a full 3 weeks away from when we broke up, so maybe then it wouldn't hurt me too much to send it without expectation, but also could open the door to working through the issues if there's any chance to salvage the relationship. Thank you.
geegirl Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Thank you for this. This is what has been in my mind. I was somewhat standoffish about the break up, I had told her long before the breakup that I typically do not like to stay in touch with ex's, and then when she ended it I said she was making a mistake and I said goodbye. When she tried to reach out again, I told her I didn't want to talk to her again unless she really had something serious to say to me. I'm sure my tone could scare her off. I guess I'll consider the text on her bday. It's a full 3 weeks away from when we broke up, so maybe then it wouldn't hurt me too much to send it without expectation, but also could open the door to working through the issues if there's any chance to salvage the relationship. Thank you. Don't do it. Listen to those that are telling you from experience. If you still want to text, go ahead but don't have any expectations. Prepare yourself for if/when you don't get the response you want.
Fufu Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 (edited) Well, if you really want to text her go ahead. If you feel sad/depressed/upset again, take responsibility and accountability of your action to choose to broke NC to text her on her birthday. Edited May 9, 2011 by Fufu
radiodarcy Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 (edited) i would take geegirl's advice and if you want to contact her on her, do so but try not to go in with any expectations. still - - my vote would be for you not to contact her. if she gets angry she gets angry. she may have spent a great deal of time and money on your birthday the previous year. but that was her choice. she also made the decision to break up with you. that was her choice as well. i remembered my current ex's birthday the past three years before he dumped me. i bought him a gift each year: the first year was a shirt, second year was a gift card that he refused to accept because he was depressed about his birthday and getting a year older (he did however accept gifts from all his other friends and family members); the third year i made him a batch of cookies from scratch and gave him a $25 gift card. when my birthday came around i got: nothing. not a verbal acknowledgment let alone even a regular old birthday card. still -- i know better than to complain because it was my decision and i did those things because i wanted to not because i expected anything in return. that's the whole point of gift giving. and no - - i will not be sending him a birthday text this year. i'll leave that to the girl he's dating now! Edited May 9, 2011 by radiodarcy
Author GivenUp0083 Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 Maybe you guys are right. The only way I'll never know if she changed her mind is if SHE comes to ME. I know she may be upset that I don't say happy bday, but that was her decision and I can't play into that. I have to put myself first. Besides, I know exactly what she'll say anyway. Here's how I see it playing out. Me: Happy birthday Her: Thank you! ...... Her: So, how ya been? Me: Fine Her: Ok well I'm busy tonight for my bday party, best of luck! There, I solved my own problem by predicting the future
Fufu Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Maybe you guys are right. The only way I'll never know if she changed her mind is if SHE comes to ME. I know she may be upset that I don't say happy bday, but that was her decision and I can't play into that. I have to put myself first. Besides, I know exactly what she'll say anyway. Here's how I see it playing out. Me: Happy birthday Her: Thank you! ...... Her: So, how ya been? Me: Fine Her: Ok well I'm busy tonight for my bday party, best of luck! There, I solved my own problem by predicting the future Yeap, you solved it Sending bday message is just not going to change a person's mind so easily if this person gives up the relationship so easily. And if sending a bday message can bring our exes back. I don't think there are any break ups in this world anymore.
radiodarcy Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Maybe you guys are right. The only way I'll never know if she changed her mind is if SHE comes to ME. I know she may be upset that I don't say happy bday, but that was her decision and I can't play into that. I have to put myself first. Besides, I know exactly what she'll say anyway. Here's how I see it playing out. Me: Happy birthday Her: Thank you! ...... Her: So, how ya been? Me: Fine Her: Ok well I'm busy tonight for my bday party, best of luck! There, I solved my own problem by predicting the future haha! right on! whenever i get the urge to contact my ex i do the same thing - - imagine how the conversation would go. that's usually enough to put me off from the desire to contact him! and really - - why would i want to go through the trouble of breaking NC if i know full well i'm not going to get the response i had hoped for?
GaelicSoul Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 I have been in NC with my Ex GF for over 90 days sent she dumped me out of the blue in january after a 2.5 year relationship. I have not heard anything from her, and last week it was my birthday. I was a little anxious wondering if she would contact, however not a peep. Also it was my Bro's wedding last wknd and i didnt hear anything from her, or even a congratulations. Enough said, i would stay NC.
Author GivenUp0083 Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 It's a true inner-conflict. My head tells me the clear, smart thing to do it to maintain NC and never break it and ignore her contacts. It's just hard because I haven't loved someone in such a long time. It just feels wrong not talking to her. That's the toughest part about all this, just wanting to hear her voice from hearing it every day and caring so much about her. But I have to realize she threw us away. She did this well knowing she did not want what we had, despite how great I thought it was. I just don't understand how my feelings and thoughts toward her can change so drastically. The worst is the morning when I wake up. I miss her to death and I tell myself I really want to see her one more time (and I know she would see me to talk if I wanted.) Then I can't help but wonder how this isn't killing her as much as it's killing me. Then I take the train to work in the morning and for 30 min I reflect on my life and where it's headed and what I want out of it. I think about whether I really ever want to go through this again and if it's really worth the emotional trauma. Then my friends at work or outside of work ask me how I'm doing and the ones who haven't heard ask me what happened and I tell them. Then they get pissed, tell me how much that sucks, and tell me I dodged a bullet/she's a whore/she's crazy/she's unrealistic. I hate to admit it, but that does make me feel better....for the time being. Then I work out, try to stay busy, and I still think of her. I think of bettering my life and how I can move on from this. I also think about how hard it was to find a decent girl after years of asking out randoms, asking out friends of friends, and online dating....it's hard to maintain a positive outlook on my chances of finding someone because despite living in a huge city, I feel my options are limited. Then I go home, watch some TV, she's still in the back of my mind and I think again about calling her. I text some friends about it, they advise against it and I do nothing. Then I go to bed which is the best part of my day because I never did get used to sleeping next to someone, and I'm exhausted from working out every day....so I sleep like a baby. That's what it has been like so far for the longest week of my life.
Chi townD Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Personally, If it were me. I wouldn't send the text. What for?!?! She dumped you...you don't owe her anything. If you feel like you're making any progress right now with NC, if you send that text, I promise you that it will put you back to square one. If you don't believe me, look at what you're doing right now! You are soooo conflicted on sending a text, it prompted you to start a thread about it. AND IT'S JUST A SIMPLE TEXT! If you send the text, AS SOON AS YOU SEND IT, you will be constantly looking at your phone ALL DAY LONG, wondering if she's going to answer you back, or the conversation goes down just as you predicted, THEN you gonna be kicking yourself for sending it in the first place. THEN, you'll be back on that roller coaster of emotions of being mad, to sad, to indifferent....blah...blah.... Then I get to see a thread title as "I sent the text..you guys were right, this sucks." When she ended it with you, it's because she didn't want you anymore, so I would give her and part of you.
radiodarcy Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 It's a true inner-conflict. My head tells me the clear, smart thing to do it to maintain NC and never break it and ignore her contacts. It's just hard because I haven't loved someone in such a long time. It just feels wrong not talking to her. That's the toughest part about all this, just wanting to hear her voice from hearing it every day and caring so much about her. But I have to realize she threw us away. She did this well knowing she did not want what we had, despite how great I thought it was. I just don't understand how my feelings and thoughts toward her can change so drastically. The worst is the morning when I wake up. I miss her to death and I tell myself I really want to see her one more time (and I know she would see me to talk if I wanted.) Then I can't help but wonder how this isn't killing her as much as it's killing me. Then I take the train to work in the morning and for 30 min I reflect on my life and where it's headed and what I want out of it. I think about whether I really ever want to go through this again and if it's really worth the emotional trauma. Then my friends at work or outside of work ask me how I'm doing and the ones who haven't heard ask me what happened and I tell them. Then they get pissed, tell me how much that sucks, and tell me I dodged a bullet/she's a whore/she's crazy/she's unrealistic. I hate to admit it, but that does make me feel better....for the time being. Then I work out, try to stay busy, and I still think of her. I think of bettering my life and how I can move on from this. I also think about how hard it was to find a decent girl after years of asking out randoms, asking out friends of friends, and online dating....it's hard to maintain a positive outlook on my chances of finding someone because despite living in a huge city, I feel my options are limited. Then I go home, watch some TV, she's still in the back of my mind and I think again about calling her. I text some friends about it, they advise against it and I do nothing. Then I go to bed which is the best part of my day because I never did get used to sleeping next to someone, and I'm exhausted from working out every day....so I sleep like a baby. That's what it has been like so far for the longest week of my life. we've all been there. i broke NC back in february -- ironically it was when my ex contacted me on my birthday and he didn't even bother to say happy birthday! he probably forgot it - - again. anyway, after three months of NC i thought i could handle us being back in touch. big mistake. once he had me where he wanted me - - back in the friendzone to pump his ego - - he started ignoring me again. when he wasn't ignoring me he prattled on about the girls he was dating. letting me know when he next date was lined up and how it went the next day. and you know what thought started running through my mind during that time? "why oh why did i break NC?? i was so much better off not knowing all this crap!" i re-started NC about a month later and even though i still have my moments where i want to contact him, i dont. thanks to to those three and half weeks i know what misery it will lead me to.
Author GivenUp0083 Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 we've all been there. i broke NC back in february -- ironically it was when my ex contacted me on my birthday and he didn't even bother to say happy birthday! he probably forgot it - - again. anyway, after three months of NC i thought i could handle us being back in touch. big mistake. once he had me where he wanted me - - back in the friendzone to pump his ego - - he started ignoring me again. when he wasn't ignoring me he prattled on about the girls he was dating. letting me know when he next date was lined up and how it went the next day. and you know what thought started running through my mind during that time? "why oh why did i break NC?? i was so much better off not knowing all this crap!" i re-started NC about a month later and even though i still have my moments where i want to contact him, i dont. thanks to to those three and half weeks i know what misery it will lead me to. That's why I wonder sometimes that despite the strong possibility I will regret it and start NC all over again from square one...maybe it will make me strong enough to realize there is no chance, she has no feelings for me, and even further justify that I need to get her out of my life. Those are just thoughts I have a small percentage of the time. In my mind I try to think of her last words to me: "I'm sorry for hurting you, don't want you to be hurt but I also have to do what I need to do". This means she doesn't see it as a mistake, rather something she NEEDS to do. There's no changing her mind, nor would I ever want to be the factor that ever CHANGES her mind, she should realize that she wants me (if she wants me) on her own. Right now she believes she's making the right decision. Maybe it is. I have to remember that each time I consider speaking to her. She does not love me or want to be with me, period.
radiodarcy Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 She does not love me or want to be with me, period. yeah - - that's pretty much what i tell myself whenever the urge to contact him strikes me. in some ways going NC the second time around was easier because by then i knew that as difficult as it is to stay away, i was ultimately doing what was best for me. at the same time it was harder to go NC because it felt like i was so close to getting things back to how they used to be. as much of a jerk as my ex had been to me, he had his good qualities and i was reminded of those when we got back in touch. unfortunately, i was also reminded about how his bad qualities outweighed his good qualities i mean, you can break NC and experience the pain but is it really worth it? if you feel you want to give it a try then we can't stop you but the good news is - - if you do break NC and it doesn't work out; well - - you can always come back here and vent in all seriousness though, i have found this site to be very helpful in terms of support and tools to stay NC. everyone strays now and then, that's normal. just be sure to do what's best for you.
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