WiselyNaive Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 So to day is 56 days since the break up , 50 days nc...yesterday i was filled with rage i hated my ex so much was having bad thoughts about him all day...i went to sleep the only time i get peace of mind because needless to say my first thoughts when i wake are him...its ridiculous i feel like im more into the relationship now that its over...the sad part is i woke up "happy" because i had dreams about him that we were getting back together i also had a dream that when i woke i would text him happy birthday...meanwhile his birthday is in November i dont get how a little dream could have my mind so twisted, yesterday i was disgusted by him and couldnt even think of him in a loving or sexual way today i feel like ive been bitten by the love bug and he could do no wrong...i wouldnt say im weak on the whole nc thing...this is the longest ive gone n i feel stronger as days pass but i really want some closure...i want to send him an email asking him if we could just straighten some **** out...stuff like him contacting people i dont want him too and finding out about some lies he told...a little peace of mind..but i know it may be a bad idea since i still have some feelings..the thing is we havent seen each other since the break up and id like to get all of this out of the way before we do....alot of "lies" i want to know the truth too...i feel he owes it to me and i feel he also owes me an apology that i may never get...but im feeling so civil...and yesterday i hated his guts i feel like im forgetting why i hate him so much and once i send it ill remember n be like wtf why were u nice....i dont know if he'll be mean...respond...be a jerk...i have no idea..ive seen him treat girls really bad and the first dose of that i got from him i hit the road i wasn't about to stick around for that...i'll feel bad if he ignores or reacts rudely i just want some explanations...i'll feel weak breaking nc...also i stopped keeping tabs a while ago...he could have a new girlfriend or something or i could discover something that will make me sick... im sure i'll get the "keep nc routine" but will it ever be ok for me to seek closure?
Sweet_T Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Im one to go with my heart although it gets me in trouble most of the time
Thierro Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Eventually you’ll find closure and NC is a perfect opportunity to do so. You can’t find any closure when you are in contact with an ex. You need to find it in your own heart to let them go. Write this on a piece of paper; ‘I am letting you go, *name*.’ You could also put words our thoughts on it that remind you of the relationship; just anything you want. After that, find a place where you can be alone with your own thoughts and burn the piece of paper in a small can; letting go of your pain, worries and doubts.
betterdeal Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 The time to contact him or her again, if you ever do, is about 2 weeks after your stop thinking about him or her. Be honest about your feelings with yourself. In the period in which you are purposefully blocking out information about them, use that time to process the feelings you have left over from the time you were together. I can suggest some books to read if you like?
betterdeal Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Sure, here goes: Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the SelfThe Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual EnlightenmentThe Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop AbusingWhen I Say No, I Feel Guilty: How to Cope, Using the Skills of Systematic Assertive Therapy What I feel is that you will benefit from improving your relationship with yourself, not with him. You will be around in your own life a longer than he will. Getting to know you and be your own best friend is going to make you happier, healthier, stronger. And that's what you want ultimately, right?
Author WiselyNaive Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 indeed! thankyou i'll look into those
ilovedhim Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 -its ridiculous i feel like im more into the relationship now that its over- isn't that the truth! when we're in the relationship we go about our business only thinking of them when the phone rings. Yet post-breakup we're obsessed with thoughts of them and what they're doing. Honestly I truly believe closure is not something someone can give you. Time gives it to you. That said, I ended things with my ex 4 weeks ago and had all these questions in my head. Last week he sent me a ton of messages saying he misses me and wants to see me blah blah blah. I went to see him and glad I did. Becuase now there is no doubt in my mind breaking it off was the best thing. Still hurts, still painful. Since you only have 10 days left of 60 day NC I would wait it out, probabl;y even longer as betterdeal said 2 weeks after you stop thinking of him. You may feel that you don't need to speak to him afterall. Maybe until then you can write down everything you want to tell him. It'll also be therapeutic for you. Since you just want to see him to get questions answered, whether or not he has a girlfriend is really irrelevant, although it may hurt to find out he does.
Fufu Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 True closure comes from yourself. I have to say NC plays a big and important role to help me to gain my true closure. However, true closure comes from your own mind. If a person seeks NC but still repeated telling themselves "they can't move on" "I want my ex back" "My ex still wants me." "I'm going to use NC to get my ex back", then ultimately they will not gain any true closure for themselves. I used to text my ex obsessively and still hoping, over analyzing I want him, he wants me. In the end, I was fooling with myself. And now I know that even without my ex, I still live my life happily and full of life. I've gain a kind of happiness which I've never felt before when I was with my ex-bf.
Eeyore79 Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Sometimes the only closure you get is the closure you give yourself. You learn to accept that some questions will never have any answers, and the answers are actually irrelevant anyway since they won't change the situation. All you can do is accept the situation, put it behind you and move on. Until you let go of this relationship you'll ruin your chances of finding a new one, so don't let it linger in your mind for too long. If he won't close that door for you, you need to close it yourself.
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