Rerhelba Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 So me and my boyfriend have been together 2 and a half years. We moved in together last September when I moved to go to university. For the past month or so I have been having doubts about our relationship. It used to be great but lately it's gotten kind of boring. We don't really do anything together except sit in and watch films and he doesn't like going out. We are both 21 and I feel like I want to be out there enjoying life, not stuck inside being bored and unhappy. I've also been developing feelings for someone else lately, nothing has happened but sometimes I think I want something to happen. I have seriously been thinking about breaking up and this has made me feel down. I think I would really miss the company and am kind of scared to live on my own. I have exams in just under 3 weeks and I'm pulling my hair out over this whole situation. From an outside perspective is breaking up the right thing to do? I really care about him but I'm just not satisfied with the relationship anymore. Is it normal to feel really upset if you're not the one being dumped?
nyckidd Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 If you are no longer satisfied with the relationship then you should indeed end it. Your bf will not change unless you break up with him. This happens alot, and its unfortunate but its true. Perhaps the two of you needs time apart, complete time apart. So he can realize what he has, and so you can clear your head and see exactly which direction you want to go in. As for the feelings of someone else that is totally up to you. Based on experience, if you go for that someone it is most likley a fling and wont last very long. You might end up regreting your desicion in the end. Good luck!
Author Rerhelba Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 Thanks for the advice. I know deep down that I have to end it but I guess I am just scared/worried and keep thinking what if I make a mistake. Having been with him for this long and living with him it's going to change everything dramatically. I think I will miss having someone living with me more then anything, I've never lived on my own and am afraid of being lonely. I know it's gonna really hurt both of us and I'm worried about how well I will cope break-ups suck!
hurley21 Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Break up with him. Don't waste his time. So many times, people stay in a relationship when they know they've been out of it emotionally for a long time. You'll only hurt him more in the end if you string him along. You wouldn't be having feelings for someone else if you were getting what you wanted with the current guy. Good luck and enjoy living life, we only get to do this once : )
Author Rerhelba Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 Yeah I feel bad. I think he senses something is wrong and is trying to please me by trying to do everything for me. It just makes it harder because I know I would be loosing a great guy who is undoubtedly my best friend but I really don't know if he is the guy for me. I keep changing my mind all day long and it's just driving me crazy :/ it makes me feel really upset just writing about it on here but I don't know if it's because I am making a wrong decision in ending it or just because I'm afraid of the change on my life it's going to make without having him around everyday.
nana841121 Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Love him or not? Honestly answer this question. If you don't want to break up with him out of habit. Don't do that. that's a betrayal to both you and him. Take some time apart.
silvermane187 Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Communicate your problems with the relationship and try to fix them before you dump him. If you dump him without trying to fix it and change your mind you can kiss goodbye to any chance of getting him back.
timchambo Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Serious questions here because I struggle with the mind of a woman. 1) 2-3 years down the road, you don't think you will fall into a comfort zone with a new guy? 2) What is it you want in a man? When your 40-50, do you want your partner to be your best friend? what need (outside of excitement) is he not fulfilling? I'm not saying stick with him, and if your sure you want your space go get it. Don't string him along, its incredibly painful...take my word for it. You are both young and this is a pretty common situation. Just try to salvage what you can if you think its worth it.
Chi townD Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 I'm with everyone else, I think that you have to exhaust all avenues before you break. I think that if you dump him before you even try to fix it, one day, you'll wake up and wonder if you did the right thing and you may have regrets. If you do end it with him, be prepared for him it try and get back with you. He may even beg or plead. Then, one day you just won't hear from him, then the next then the next until you realize he probably resents you and has moved on. Don't ask him to be your friend. You want to dump him and get him out of your life. If you can't have all of him, then you shouldn't have any of him especially his friendship. And lets be honest, do you really think that you can be in a loving and committed relationship one day and the next day be nothing more than friends? Think about it. The only thing that I'm read from your post is that the relationship has become comfortable, stale and routine. HAPPENS TO ALL RELATIONSHIPS AT ONE POINT OR ANOTHER!!! The question is? Now that you recongize it, are you willing to change it?
Author Rerhelba Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 We Have talked about the issues before and still nothing has changed. I realise that in the future I will fall back to a comfort zone withsomeone else, it's not that that's the problem it's just how our relationship is that makes me unhappy. Like I said I'm 21 and want to be doing things and going out an stuff. As he doesn't, I go out with friends. I just feel like we should be doing these things together. He smokes a lot of weed and doesn't have a job. He doesn't seem at all motivated to get one despite the fact that we have had financial difficulties. I'm not saying these are th reasons I'm doubting our relationship but I just want him to want to go out there and do something and make some friends other then the ones he has back where we used to live but he would rather just smoke and do nothing. I was fairly certain about a month ago that I would break up with him if things didn't change, now it's come down to actually doing it I'm so scared. But I know that if I dont do it then i will be in the same position I was before: thinking about breaking up and being unhappy. I can't really compare my life now to when I am 40/50 years old. I will hopefully have lived and done a lot in the next 20 odd years and will probably be far more content in being settled down and just watching tv and staying in. I am not intentionally stringing him along, this is probably the hardest decision I have ever made and I need to make sure I am getting it right. Thanks everyone for your adviceso far, despite the fact that it has confused me even more it is very helpful to hear different views.
Author Rerhelba Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 In response to chi townD, I understand that if we break there will be no chance of a friendship, it would be stupid to even try that and it would just make everything 100 times harder. You are righ in saying it has become stale and routine and since moving to the city I thought things would get more interesting and we would have More to do together but he really doesn't like to go out and try new things so it has been completely not the case. What else can I do?
Chi townD Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 I'm gonna let you in on a little secret about guys. GUY'S ARE STUPID!!! When you say that you talked to him ( I don't know I wasn't there) You say that you talked to him. He might have heard " You know, we really should go out more....blah...blah..." Sometimes you have to be "in your face" blunt and (remembering that guys are stupid...) spell it out for him! "LOOK! YOU NEED TO STOP SMOKING WEED AND GET A JOB!!! WE ARE IN A BIG CITY AND THERE IS SOOO MUCH FOR US TO DO AND SEE. I WANT TO DO THOSE THINGS! I WANT TO GET OUT AND HAVE FUN. I WANT TO EXPLORE. I WANT TO TAKE TRIPS AND SEE THE WORLD! I WANT YOU TO DO THOSE THINGS WITH ME! Now, if you can't do those things then I will find someone that will. If you don't understand what that means, let me spell it out for you. YOU ARE ABOUT TO LOSE ME!" Then I would suggest couples counseling to work out this rut. I would leave it to be his responsiblity to find the counselor. Tell him that! Also, tell him that if he does that, it tells you how serious he is about wanting to fix this.
ramathorne Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 My ex dumped me right before our college exams. It was hell. If I were you, I would wait it out for a few weeks. Drown yourself in your books and kill those exams. It will give you time away from him. If you feel the same after exams, do what you have to.
JasonRules Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Like I said...there is usually always another guy in the picture when a woman suffers from GIGS. Thank you for proving my point. @OP Regardless of what happened. Please don't do the following: 1. Act distant and string him along for months 2. Tell him you "need space" or "I don't know what I want" 3. Tell him "I am not interested in anyone else" 4. Tell him "I want us to be friends" Instead, tell him the WHOLE TRUTH 1. You feel the relationship is boring and stagnant because you don't go out as much. 2. You have met someone else you're interested in Basically don't BS/jerk him around for months. Just end it and move out. Don't give him any mixed signals or hope for the future. Don't contact him again either.
timchambo Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 always another guy... Like Jason said, just tell him straight up honestly about the other guy. My ex also left me for another guy, only the silly part is shes the one that never contributed. She till this day says the other guy didn't have anything to do with it. That left me with the following thoughts She's a liar She's unfaithful She used me ...more I don't care to think about They overshadow any positive thoughts I have of her to be honest. No good memories of the 7-8 years we were together. Even if she came back today and told me the truth I may respect her more. Just be honest with him. It will tear the bandaid off faster. Either way he will find out and feel cheated on. But in the end he will respect the honesty. I also agree with ChiTown. Spell it out to him exactly what he is facing. When it comes to this stuff you can't sugarcoat it. Just lay it all out there. Your doing the right thing by asking 3rd parties here online instead of your single girlfriends, etc... Best of luck.
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