geegirl Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 ps: I hope you are still not planning on going on that trip with him. It's happening to you because you are letting it. How it got to this point is not an issue anymore. It's done. How you get out and heal yourself is what you need to focus on. My ex was abusive too. I stayed and it got worse and I would always wonder why it happened to me, how it happened...the thing is, I saw the red flags but chose to ignore. Even when the abuse was blatant, I still stayed. It was still my choice. I let it happen. Take this as a lesson. You'll come out of this a stronger person. Self aware, wiser and resilient. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. It's what you do with those experiences that matter. Yes, your good judgment is gone because you're twisted like a pretzel and can't undo yourself. Sometimes you're so confused, even when it smells like poop, you need someone to tell you it's poop. But that's okay. The more you realize that your perceptions are true by getting that reinforcement from those around you, the sooner you start to think with your brain and release him from your heart. A good partner/man/friend/family member supports you and motivates you. They don't ridicule, manipulate and demean you and your efforts.
Author Tricia23 Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 Hey All... Just wanted to update you on what has been happeneing..... So as the vacation approached, I was terribly apprenhsive. I didn't know what was going to happen. All I know is that the feeling I had wasn't right. So the day of the vacation came. We got together, and spent the night together to catch our 7am flight. So the day started out just fine. Then the flight was cancelled due to fog, so we couldnt get another flight till 10pm that same day. It was a long day, and we were both upset because of that. So 8pm rolled around, and we got ready and went back to the airport. We got into Las Vegas late, checked into our room, and called it a night. We were both exhausted. So the next day was fine. We had a nice day together, with no problems. Then later on in the evening, he seemed irritated. He was always complaining about something. So I told him to just relax and enjoy himself! He was on vacation! So that was means for disaster. I was upset because all he did was bitch about something. So then that escalated into more. He thought I was being a pain in the ass, so he got upset. We went to eat, I didn't touch my food, as I was upset. He started to be so mean to me. So after lunch, we went back up to the room, and he got into bed. The verbal abuse started much worse, and just wouldnt stop. He threatened to change his flight and go home. I asked him to just please stop and lets forget this fight, and enjoy the next 2 days of the trip. He was so up and down with everything he was saying. It was so confusing. I picked up the phone and threatened to have him removed from my room. And he got upset, because he thought I was going to call the police on him! What an idiot! I didnt say I'd do that! I was backed into a corner, so I said what I thought I could say to scare him. That didnt work, it just pissed him off. So he put down the phone, and didnt call. Then he said he wanted to sleep for an hour and he'd be fine. So an hour came and went, and he was still being a jerk. He told me to go hang myself from the balcony of our hotel room, and told me to go drown myself in the bathtub. After a few hours passed, I asked him if he would be ok the next day after he got some rest. He said "NO" I'm staying the the room the next 2 days. So that pissed me off, and I just told him to get the hell out of my room. So he packed his stuff and got ready to leave. As he was leaving, he asked me if I needed any money. Ha! Really???? Just get the hell out. I don't need his freakin money. So as I was on the phone with a good friend of mine, and my parents, I got a knock on my door. It was him. He said his phone died, and he needed to charge it, so he could call a cab. So I agreed. After 5 minutes of charging, I told him to get the #$@% out. And he left. I got a phone call a few minutes later, and he asked if he could stay in my room until the next day. I first said no, and hung up. Then he texted me and told me "Your a first class piece of sh%t for standing me 1500 miles away. What your doing to me right now, is worse thatn anything I've ever done to you. HAHAHAHA!!!! Not even close! Theres 250 hotels on the strip. Pick one and stay there!!!! So I agreed to let him stay in my room. As soon as he got there, I kicked him out again. Then he said anything left at his house I'd never see. But little did he know, I HAD everything from his house. So then I get another text later saying "Sorry it didnt work out" Goodbye =( So I respond with the meanest text ever. I was just so upset and hurt by him, I didnt care what I said. I was upset about what he pulled on me 1500 miles from Chicago. I was alone in Vegas. So needless to say, a very good guy friend of mine, flew down the very next day, to stay with me, so I wasn't alone. It was very sweet of him I was glad I took the high road and kicked him out. I showed him I wasn't taking any of his crap. I'm still very hurt, because of everything. I'm such a nice person, and I hate fighting, but thats all I did with him. I honestly think its because of the streroids he was taking. It just changed him into a terribly mean and horrible person. i've noticed such a change in him tremendously ever since he started taking that stuff. It was scary. I had no idea steroids could make you so terribly mean. So thats my update. I just hope I can stick to it, and stay strong. Coming out of this type of relationship is alot harder than I thought.... =/ So here I am today,
geegirl Posted June 4, 2011 Posted June 4, 2011 (edited) He told you to hang yourself from the balcony and drown yourself in the tub. If you break NC and go back to this, you really need to find some help. Not help from this site but a good therapist. He's broken you down to nothing. He was toxic to you before the vacation and you still went with him, eventhough you identified that this is bad for you. And after this is if you still go back to him or entertain him, hoping you can change him, blaming it on steroids, etc...you better start looking at what is going on with you. Stop diagnosing him but start focusing on why you want to go back to this. Coming out of a relationship like this is difficult but you need to start somewhere. He does not love you or care for you. You need to start giving yourself that instead of seeking it from all the wrong places. Edited June 4, 2011 by geegirl
Author Tricia23 Posted June 4, 2011 Author Posted June 4, 2011 Yeah, he did tell me to do all of that, and more. Much more. I guess I was in 100% denial about everything. I was at such a low point it was hard. And yes, he brought me down to absolutely nothing... What really bothers me is that, he's making me look out to be the most horrible person to his family and friends. But little do they know he takes the steroids. I just wish I could tell everybody. He's making himself sick, and I've seen it already. I have no intention in going back, nor ever talking to him again. It felt good to step up to him, and tell him to leave, but it has been hard. I'm feeling strong, like I was when I kicked him out, I just want it to continue. I guess I just sit back and reflect on things too much. I know i'll be ok. I know I did wrong, but nothing compared to what he did to me. He doesn't deserve anything good out of life. But yet, thats not the right thing to say. Its more or less how I feel about everything. I just wanted to update you guys. I guess I just need to stop telling myself I did something wrong, because thats all I think about. Maybe if I did something different it wouldnt be the way it turned out to be. But he wasn't a good guy in the beginning, and I looked past it, and being on these steroids made things 100% worse.. I saw a HUGE change in him.... I just wish one day he would realize what he did was so wrong in so many ways, and how it feels to hurt....
geegirl Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 You have to stop focusing on him and start looking at your actions and behaviors. You'll never be able to analyze or help him. What he chooses to do or how he chooses to behave is none of your concern anymore. You didn't do anything wrong. You got involved in a toxic relationship. No one deserves to be treated this way. Going back to him or entertaining him again would be you doing yourself wrong. So, please find a counselor or therapist to talk to. Start working on yourself and stop worrying about him. He may realize his wrongdoing one day or he may not. But by that time, you'll be at a stage of indifference to hardly care about what he feels or doesn't.
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