Spiraling down into depression. ...

[Tricia23]

I don't think I could sit here, and be able to go over every single thing that has happened with my ex and I, because it would confuse all of you..

 

I just need advice on this one comment/talk I had with me ex.

 

We split up because of many issues we've had in our relationship. He has blamed everything mostly on me because of my not being able to handle certain things in our relationship. I'm guilty for not backing off when I should, and other things. To make a long story short, we booked a vacation for the end of the month, and after all the awful things that happened, he still decided to go together.

 

I had asked him to please be open minded about us, so I can show him the progress I've made to make the better changes I needed too, and he responds with this:

 

"Your selfish for asking me to be open minded. All your thinking about is yourself"

 

I would like to know if that sounds selfish. Me asking him to be open minded didn't mean I wanted him back together right away. All I was asking of him, was to open his mind to the possibilty of "us" again. I wasn't asking him to change a thing, just open his mind.

 

Was I being selfish to ask him to do that?

 

He tells me constantly that I'm being a manipulator. He says I'm trying to pull him back to me, so I can purposely screw things up again. When we got back together this last time, we got into a really bad fight, and that's what ended it. If you'd like to know more about it, I can tell you. But anyways, I don't feel I'm a manipulator at all. All I asked for was a chance. But I guess that makes me a manipulator. I feel he is doing just that. I'm wrong for almost everything. He puts me down constantly. He last comment was that I'm not smart enough.

 

Nice huh...?

 

I'm sorry If I confused anyone. If you have any other questions, because you don't get something, please let me know.

 

 

I really need some advice. Am I really selfish for asking that of him? How could I be a manipulator? Or is he the manipulator? I always felt like I was walking on eggshells. I was afraid to do something wrong in his eyes all the time. I just feel so guilty. I feel awful for the things I did. I just don't know what to think at all.

 

I'm absolutely 100% numb and it just gets worse every sec of the day.

 

Please anybody, I need advice...

[JustEmptyInside]

Hi Tricia. As you'll hear a lot here, I'm sorry that you're going through this, there are a lot of people here who know how you're feeling.

 

I really can't say whether your ex's claims of manipulation are right or wrong, only for the fact that I don't know your whole situation. But, from what you've posted, it seems to me like your ex is looking for an excuse, and attaching blame to any small thing that he can. I assume that he is also young like yourself, and if so - may be confused as to what he really wants. Hell, at 23 I don't think I knew for sure what I really wanted. Sometimes unfamiliar/conflicting feelings make us guys lose some rationality and say things for reasons we don't even know. Likewise, these can also be repressed feelings that come out at the wrong time when emotions run high. Unfortunately we often never figure out what was really going on in the mind of our exes.

 

But the fact remains that, in my opinion, if he was invested in the relationship, and in you, he should have tried to work things out before abandoning all hope. It sounds like you were trying to work on it.

 

Regarding your feelings of depression. Please don't these feelings lightly, i'm currently fighting that battle myself. Allow yourself to grieve, as its crucial to the healing process, but if the feelings linger too long, or become too overwhelming, don't hesitate to reach out for help. I've faced that dragon to the very end, and I know just how hard it can be.

 

There's a great support community here on LS as well. Don't hesitate to post when you feel alone. Its amazing how much talking/venting/reading helps. We've been, and/or are where you are.

[Tricia23]

JustEmptyInside- Thank you so much for your input. I'm in desperate need of some advice/help at the current moment. I truly feel like I've gone past Rick bottom. It's an unexplainable feeling.

 

I'll give you an idea as to what happened. We were together for a year. We had our issues in the beginning. We had a few trust issues in the beginning. I told him a few lies, because I never felt I was good enough for him. I bent the truth. But I never hurt him, or cheated on him. It wasn't anything like that. So that's one problem. Another problem is that when we would talk about things, it would somewhat escalate into verbal abuse on his part. I would just sit there and cry when he acted that way towards me. I'm guilty of not stopping the conversation when he asked me to. He said let's stop talking before it gets worse. And I didn't. I kept talking to try and talk it out. So that's another thing.

 

 

And lastly this was what broke us up. Our fight escalated to the worst possible level. I called the police on him. They didn't arrest him, not did they go anything. Our fight was so bad, and I panicked. So I called them. They said to go our separate ways and talk another day. So he's scared of me now. He thinks I'm a terrible person. I never hurt him in a physical way, nor did I EVER talk down to him, the way he did with me. I took it all, and held it inside.

 

A few other things he brought up was, me not being 100% financially stable. I work and go to school part time, so my parents help me out from time to time. That's a problem for him. He thinks I'm not as smart as him. I'm childish, I can't balance my finances. All of those aren't true, except for my parents helping me. I am not in a large amount of debt, nor am I stupid with my finances. I'm taking care of everything in my life to the best of my ability. It just isn't good enough for him.

 

So all I asked was a chance to show him the progress I made lately. And he calls me selfish and a manipulator. I don't know how to be a manipulator. I'm not kneiving. I'm not a mean person. But that's all I feel like.

 

I'm completely down in the dumps about this, and I have NO idea how to recover on this. This vacation we planned, is still on as of yesterday. He said that I don't deserve to have him go on this trip with me. But then he said that him going on the trip is him being open minded. I mean what is that.

 

 

Sorry it's so long, I just desperately need advice...

[JustEmptyInside]

One other point that I missed in my last reply was that he accused you of being selfish for wanting to leave the possibility open that there was a chance to maybe work things out.

 

I can't believe that I missed that sentence - since it sounds so eerily familiar to my ex. I'm no expert, but from my own experience it seemed like my ex was trying to place the blame on me, when in reality I wanted to do whatever it would have taken to work things out. In the end she also called me selfish, said that she had to leave me "for herself." The reality was that she already had another guy on the side lined up, and my trying to salvage our 6 years together was an inconvenience to her new green grass plans, hence the accusations of being selfish.

 

In the end, its a losing battle trying to understand all of their motives. But at the end of the day, if someone isn't willing to work with you, to compromise, commit, work through the good and the bad, then they probably don't deserve your love. Be strong.

[JustEmptyInside]

Tricia - from what you're saying now, I really do not believe that you are a bad person, the problems that you had were not all that uncommon, and I really do believe that you truly did want to work it out. I can understand being put off for having the cops called, as it sounds like looking back you think it may have been excessive - but the fact is that you were scared enough to do it, so I can't fault you for that.

 

You admit that you kept feelings bottled up inside, so its possible that both of you may be harboring repressed feelings or resent, which is no good for either of you - and may partly explain the heated arguments.

 

Again, I'm probably not the best person to give advice since i'm a mess myself But I personally don't think that a trip together is a great idea right now. You know that your personalities seem to conflict lately, and you acknowledge that it tends to escalate. That being the case, the constant being together of a trip may backfire if it escalates even further. I worry that you may be putting yourself in a bad situation. From the sounds of it, you both may need some cooling down time apart before trying to talk anything out. Strong emotions usually don't make productive talks.

Edited May 9, 2011 by JustEmptyInside

[Tricia23]

JustEmptyInside- again, I thank you so much for taking the time to talk to me about this. I honestly deep down inside am guilty of calling the police, and I'm guilty of not being mature about certain things, but is that honestly a reason to put me down in every aspect of my life?? Ok. So I'm not perfect. He apparently was able to be with me a whole year for some reason. Enough to stay around. But now all he can do is talk negative about me in every way. It hurts so bad. I try, and give things my all. I'm very dedicated. I'm not close to being a manipulator. My heart literally hurts when I hear that word. Tears form in my eyes, because I know that's not me. He perceives me to be a certain way, and that's all he believes. His family and friends agree with him that I'm bad.

 

I guess it was too soon to talk. I'm not reaching out to him at all. If we go on the trip fine. If we don't, I loose $1,500. Oh well.

 

 

I just want to feel better and not hurt so much. It hurts like I've never felt before....

[JustEmptyInside]

I can relate to the pain of hearing such hurtful things from someone you were truly in love with. In my own situation, I felt much like you do. I'm far from perfect, but every day I dedicated myself to the one I loved, and put her ahead of anything else in my life. In the end when she decided to split, she told me much of the same - that i'm selfish, that I never put her first, things that I know couldn't be farther from the truth.

 

None of us are perfect, and no one should be expected to be anywhere near perfect. We've all got our quirks and shortcomings, but the beauty of real, true love is that none of that matters between two people who feel so strongly about each other. And trust me, you will find that - if not with him, then with someone else, but you will know that feeling.

 

The more that I read from you, the more I get the feeling that you're unloading way too much blame on yourself. Cliche or not, it takes two to make a relationship work or fail. I did it too, through th depression I blamed myself for everything, but its not true and its not fair to us.

 

We all screw up sometimes, and we all have room to grow. But with the right person i'd hope that you'd grow together and make each other better people.

[Mcnulty]

You really are beating yourself up too much.

 

Mot smart enough?? How dare he say that!! Emotional intelligence....you have that in abundance, whereas he seems like he has none!!

 

He sounds like a verbal bully and I would really think about pulling out of any holiday with this doofus and moving on with YOUR life.

[Tricia23]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I know I shouldnt take any of his crap. It just seems like he has this terrible way of looking at me. He takes all the negatives about me, and thinks that's what I'm all about. That absolutely isn't the case at all. I know how great of a person I am, it's just do sad and hurtful someone you love could be so mean. I tried to give him my all, but it just wasn't good enough. I tried to show him I was on board with whatever he wanted to do in life. I don't know what type of girl be is looking for, because in his little world, I don't think they exsist.

 

I guess the problems he sees in me is too much, but little did he know all of those things, I'm changing about myself. Not for him, but for me.

 

A very dedicated individual. I am very loyal. I love hard, and I thought he was the one for me. But I just don't seem good enough.

 

I hope this hurt and pain goes away, because it hurts too much, and it's becoming harder and harder. I just wish I was stronger.... :-/

[JustEmptyInside]

You're stronger than you realize Tricia, but in the darkest moments I know how overwhelming it can get. You'll hear it over and over on these boards that hurt like this tends to only go away with time, and I know its hard to believe, but it will hurt less, little by little. It sucks not being able to just "get over it," but its a process we all go through.

 

Its good to allow yourself to cry and grieve sometimes, just try not to let it turn into wallowing for long periods of time. You're learning a lot about yourself in all this grief, and regardless of the outcome - you'll wind up stronger in the end. Sadly I think that heartbreak like this is a huge learning experience for many people.

 

Talk to friends, talk to family, talk to people on here. Whatever you do, don't keep bottling up feelings, its not good for you in any way.

 

And don't be so hard on yourself - you're not a bad person. Hell, if my ex was as willing as you are to 'try', I might have never been on LS at all.

[Tricia23]

Thanks so much for your response. It honestly does help to express how I'm feeling on here. I'm able to let it all out. I know I might be talking about the same things over and over, but I'm just really confused.

 

I just wish be would realize that I have a lot more to offer him, than all the negatives HE sees. I made mistakes. I made wrong decisions. I'm human. It happens to all of us. He asked for forgiveness when he was wrong. I gave him the forgiveness he asked for.

 

It just seems that if it's not his way, it's no way.

 

And that hurts. I honestly pray, he will at least see I'm not full if negatives as he claims I am. I'm doing my best to show him that, but I dont know if I'll succeed.

[JustEmptyInside]

You really do seem sincere, and only you will ultimately know how you want this to play out, and what you are looking for in the end. My only advice there is to make sure the decisions you make, and the things that you 'want' are not being influenced by the hurt, the sadness, the mixed emotions.

 

Its a losing battle to try and show someone how you've changed, or who you are as a person. You have to make yourself the best person you can - but do it for YOU

[Tricia23]

JustEmptyInside:

 

Youve been so nice to reply to my messages, and give me your advice. This evening was a bit easier. I went to visit my cousin who just had a baby, and I was finally happy again for once. I hope it continues.

 

I've been thinking alot about our situation, the vacation, and just everything. I don't really know what I should feel still. I care about him alot, and I'm still super confused. If this vacation is still on, he told me yesterday, that is his way of "being open minded" whatever that means. Then he said: "I don't know what will happen after the trip I'm not a gypsy" So I feel like I'm going back and forth.

 

I know when we talked yesterday, it got heated, and when he's mad, he says things he doesnt mean, but then again I dont know.

 

All I know is that I'm working everyday to try and better me. I want to be strong in the end, and be the person I once was.

 

I just pray this vacation goes ok with no problems....

[Mcnulty]

I think you're mad for going on vacation with him, it could really set you back.

[Tricia23]

It may sound like a bad idea. But why is it that he's willing to go on this vacation still after everything that happened?

 

Whats your input on that??

[Mcnulty]

"I know I shouldnt take any of his crap. It just seems like he has this terrible way of looking at me. He takes all the negatives about me, and thinks that's what .I'm all about."

 

"He tells me constantly that I'm being a manipulator. He says I'm trying to pull him back to me, so I can purposely screw things up again"

 

"He thinks I'm not as smart as him. I'm childish"

Thta's all the input that's needed

[Tricia23]

I could use some more advice. My trip is next weekend, and my ex tells me such different crap. He tells me to just let things be, and to take it a day at a time. Then he sends me these stupid texts. Can anyone please give me some input?

 

Here are his texts:

 

That just might happen. It might not. I have NO agenda other than having a good time on this trip. That's it!! Anything else is just a forecast. I intend to have fun on this trip and make it a great time with a great girl. After that I have no intentions either way. That's it. That's that. And there's nothing else to say about it.

 

Text #2

That just might happen. It might not. I have NO agenda other than having a good time on this trip. That's it!! Anything else is just a forecast. I intend to have fun on this trip and make it a great time with a great girl. After that I have no intentions either way. That's it. That's that. And there's nothing else to say about it.

 

 

Please help. I just don't know what to think. I'm so upset, at the point where I don't even want to go. Yet he tells me to leave some of my things at his house, and he told me to keep his house key.

 

I'm so torn and I feel like I'm being played with.

 

 

Please please help...

[geegirl]

Read what you are writing. It's clear as daylight. If you start thinking instead of feeling, you'll be able to see this for what it is. You know the answer deep down inside, you're just not wanting to see it.

 

"After that I have no intentions either way." Listen and wake up.

Edited May 22, 2011 by geegirl

[Tricia23]

Ok. Then why go on vacation with me!??

 

It's so much more complicated than that!

He sends me mixed signals all the time.

[geegirl]

Ok. Then why go on vacation with me!??

 

It's so much more complicated than that!

He sends me mixed signals all the time.

 

Because HE CAN. Because he can take you on vacation, have you on his terms, have sex with you, give you nothing more than what he knows will keep your twisting like a pretzel to appease him, give you breadcrumbs to keep you interested, keep you there to feed his ego, etc. He's got no one else to go with so why not go with you when you're willing to bend backwards and give him what he wants, even when he is telling you he is not going to give you what you want.

 

You should be wanting/looking for the RIGHT signals. I don't know what mixed signals he is giving you. From what you write, he's pretty clear about where he is. Asking you to go on vacation, is just him asking you to go on vacation. Just don't have any expectations that it means anything more.

Edited May 22, 2011 by geegirl

[Tricia23]

I understand what your saying. But just the other day he was telling me that I'll get another chance. Today he tells me I blew my chance because everytime we talk I upset him. He says I'm not mature enough to have an adult conversation with him. All he does is get upset when I call him or ask to talk to him. It's his way or no way. I don't get any chance to talk. Then he starts with the names and Thr awful hurtful words.

 

I met a new guy, who really cares for me, and I can't even open up because I'm heartbroken from him. I may lose something really special because my heart won't open up. I'm suffering from the repercussion of the verbal abuse. According to him I did EVERYTHING wrong. I wasn't good enough for him. I tried to so all I could to be the best got him. Just because I ask for a little bit of financial help from my parents I'm immature. Just because I don't know as much as him I'm an idiot. I'm a loser for being in school. I'm ab idiot because I'm getting into my own apartment with a small bit of help from my parents makes him not want to be with me. I mean is that a reason to put me down???

 

 

I feel like I have to change my whole life around because what I'm doing is so wrong. I feel like everything I'm doing is wrong stupid and immature.

 

 

I feel like I'm losing my mind. I've been brainwashed and i don't know how to fix it....

[geegirl]

Good grief. What a bitter, manipulative and mean person. You're not doing anything wrong. You've come to believe it because he's molded you into thinking and believing it.

 

It's harder to let go and heal from abusive relationships. You're so confused and broken that you don't know which way is up. The good thing is that you identify that it is bad for you. The longer you stay, the more the damage.

 

Fix it? First thing you do is stay away from his toxicity. If something made you sick, you'd stay away from it, yes? Or would you roll around in it and hope things would get better? You've been programmed to think a certain way by this person. To slowly unprogram, you cannot allow him to feed you with negativity anymore. Find a therapist. Someone you can talk to and help you understand what has happened and ways to reinvent yourself.

 

Stay with him and you'll experience nothing but the same demeaning, manipulative and controlling behavior.

 

You will continue to reject good people entering your life if you keep in contact with this person. He will keep your wound fresh and gaping. You have much healing to do before you can open up again. You either choose to stay away from toxicity, start your healing process and in time find healthy love or stay damaged and defeated.

Edited May 23, 2011 by geegirl

[Tricia23]

Geegirl- thank you for taking the time to give me your advice on my current situation. I do understand where your coming from about completely getting him out of my life. I guess I'm just absolutely confused in a million ways. I honestly have hit the lowest point of my life due to this constant abuse. It's really sad that I let a manipulative idiot control me, and brainwash me like crazy. He claims his friends and his parents think I'm an idiot too! I just don't see why!

 

You make mistakes in relationship. But instead of working it out like normal adults do, I feel like I was being punished. It's too complicated to even understand for me.

 

I have been seeing a therapist, but she just doesn't seem to be doing it for me. I don't feel she's helping me out the way someone should. So I'm going to see if I could find a new therapist.

 

As far as the new guy, I told him everything about what's been going on. Reason being is because I talked to my idiot ex yesterday when him andci were together, and he kept bad mouthing me on the phone, so I started crying. When I went back inside, he knew something was wrong. So I broke down and told him. He said he understands, and that he'd be there for me whenever I need him. He said he'd do whatever it takes to make me feel better including telling me I'm beautiful every single day. I thought that was very sweet of him to say/do. He's a wonderful man, and I hope with his help/support, along with the rest of my friends and family, I can start to feel better.

 

It just makes me sick about the whole situation. I couldn't even imagine hurting another human being. Let alone verbally abusing me.

As far as my parents offering a small amount of Money to help me fix myself isn't really a bad thing. I'm in school, I pay my bills. I'm very self sufficient. Just not 100% Why does it matter anyways...

Looks like and sounds like it's going to a rough time for me trying to feel better.

 

I know people like him don't ever suffer, but I hope he does.

[geegirl]

I don't know what you are confused about. Abuse is abuse. And if you identify it as abuse, it shouldn't be confusing. It should wake you up and push you to NC right away.

 

He demeans you because he knows he can. He insults you because you welcome it. YOU TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU. You've decided to put yourself in a situation that damages you. At this point he is not to blame anymore. You're choosing to inflict damage on yourself. He's just doing what he does best and what he's used to. What are you doing?

 

Please find another therapist.

 

As for good guy, don't expect him to be around forever to soothe you. At some point he is going to get discouraged by your attachment to this man and disappointed at your lack of self-respect. And it's not right that you're half invested in this fool instead of focusing your all in someone who is genuinely caring and kind to you, that is if you are liking this guy. If you are going to continue talking to you ex and being emotionally invested in him, you are not being fair to good guy.

 

You will start to feel better when you stop talking to this man. Don't count of your friends and family to provide you with that. It has to come from you.

Edited May 23, 2011 by geegirl

[Tricia23]

I'm confused as to why this has been happening to me. I'm not really confused about how I feel towards him. I know he needs to go and I'm coming to terms with it. I know I have to get rid of him. I don't want to keep feeling as crappy as I have.

 

I will find a new therapist, and with this new guy, I do care for him, and being around and or talking to my ex wouldn't be fair. I understand that. I don't want to hurt this new guy.

 

1 week and it will all be over with the ex. Then I can mend my heart and move on to better things. I look forward to getting my life back.

 

 

It's all just a matter of time. Hearing advice that I pretty much know already helps to hear. My good judgment has been lost. So hearing it from someone else, and having the ability to read these responses over and over helps even more as well.