soria Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Hi, so a little background.. I have been with my guy for about 3 years now. We have a 20 month old daughter.. we don't fight all that much, but I have a major issue with my libido! I hate, hate, hate sex. I didn't stop desiring it until after she was born. I keep hoping that it will get better. I think it could be from breastfeeding.. or possibly being depressed, but I can't really do anything about either of them. I've tried to wean my daughter and let's just say that isn't happening anytime soon, which also means I cannot take the anti-depressants I need. And if neither of those are the cause, then well.. let's just say that's going to make for a mess of a marriage if we follow through with our plans to get married this fall. I feel like this will be the death of our relationship. I don't know what to do, I know it's frustrating for him.. I hate it so much that I don't even want to try anything new like new toys, threesomes, porn.. I just don't want it and can't even stand the thought of it anymore. And if I finally DO bring myself to have sex with him, I just lie there like a dead fish because I feel so unsexy being a mother now. I don't even like being touched! And I know sex is an important part of a relationship - especially a marriage, but still that isn't enough for me to want to just try. Is this relationship and the idea of marriage a lost cause? Or has anyone had experience with nursing or depression causing severe problems like this?
Garrgoil Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 The problem you describe is evidently so common that anyone who ever discovers a solution to it will likely become a billionaire.
frozensprouts Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Hi, so a little background.. I have been with my guy for about 3 years now. We have a 20 month old daughter.. we don't fight all that much, but I have a major issue with my libido! I hate, hate, hate sex. I didn't stop desiring it until after she was born. I keep hoping that it will get better. I think it could be from breastfeeding.. or possibly being depressed, but I can't really do anything about either of them. I've tried to wean my daughter and let's just say that isn't happening anytime soon, which also means I cannot take the anti-depressants I need. And if neither of those are the cause, then well.. let's just say that's going to make for a mess of a marriage if we follow through with our plans to get married this fall. I feel like this will be the death of our relationship. I don't know what to do, I know it's frustrating for him.. I hate it so much that I don't even want to try anything new like new toys, threesomes, porn.. I just don't want it and can't even stand the thought of it anymore. And if I finally DO bring myself to have sex with him, I just lie there like a dead fish because I feel so unsexy being a mother now. I don't even like being touched! And I know sex is an important part of a relationship - especially a marriage, but still that isn't enough for me to want to just try. Is this relationship and the idea of marriage a lost cause? Or has anyone had experience with nursing or depression causing severe problems like this? It could very well be hormonal or due to depression... I would talk to your doctor about it and see if they can offer any advice. Also, I would highly suggest sitting down with your husband and talking with him about it... let him know that it isn't him ( unless you feel he's doing/not doing something that's the root cause of this) and see what he has to say. Just be careful to let him know that it has nothing to do with your love for him, and that you are willing to do what you can to find a solution to the problem. Even though it m,ay seem weird, try taking him to the doctor with you when you talk to him/her about it.. your husband may also have some questions he wants to ask, and may find the information the doctor provides to be useful.
Baroness67 Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Same thing here - just too much drudgery with all the kids (not to mention the lack of privacy and time) to feel sexy. I could have gone without sex completely. As it was, I thought we had sex with some regularity (1-2x a week); the issue my H eventually had was that I was 'phoning it in' and not 'really into it.' And he was right, I made him feel neglected and less worthy in doing this. I had no bad intentions and if you asked me, I would have told you I loved my husband dearly, and indeed was in love with him. I just had no idea what I was doing. So my experience is, whether or not you consider it your fault that you are not interested in sex, the fact is, if it's frustrating your H, then sooner or later it will become an issue. That's just the way it is. Frustrating for some spouses not to get as much sex as they want, and frustrating for others to have more sex than they want. The marriage won't stay functional or fulfilling until you figure out how to remedy this; in fact it might not stay at all. Fair? A non-issue. Marriage is very often hard work and sacrifice that is definitely less fair to certain partners over certain issues. Sex most often, however, becomes a dealbreaker. I had an aunt who told me this a long time ago (her husband had cheated on her), but silly me, I was younger and had been with my H for forever and just thought, like most, 'no way, we're different.' Yep, not so much
worldover98 Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 (edited) Hi Soria and Baroness67: So my wife is not the only one facing this issue?! We used to do it at our peak 3-4 times a week(1st year), followed by 1-3 times a week over the next two years. Then our first baby was born and sex was reduced to about 4 - 5 times a year. Then the second baby, and sex was about 2 times a year. That's where we are now. Like you all, the last two times we did have sex, it was like she was "calling it in", little to no emotion, like pushing a donkey uphill. She does not like my caressing her and we barely touch each others body when we go to bed. Really sterile but it's her not me who wants this. GOD knows I have tried to be understanding about it over several years, thinking it would take a turn. But our older daughter is now 7 years old and our situation is not sustainable. I need sex, and while looking at porn and masturbating at times is okay, I need the real thing. I don't want to be antagonistic with her, but there is that lingering feeling of resentment. She is content with this. Her family has a history of women like this such as her really attractive mom stopped having sex over 20 years ago because her hubby had undergone a major cancer operation which destroyed his organs down there. This week we are starting marriage therapy again and I am not hopeful of things improving. She says she's only going for counseling for analysis to understand more our situation. This is not encouraging because I intend to improve our situation from this therapy. I would have left a long time ago if we didn't have kids. But I have a responsibility to them foremost and besides, I still love my wife, as she loves me. So I will suggest very soon that we have an "open" marriage, whereby we both will be free to date outside our marriage. Surely, this could be the beginning of the end if someone falls in love, most likely me, because again she is not interested in sex at all. So how would you feel about an open marriage? Like you said, no sex in a marriage is an oxymoron! I think if you love your man, and he loves you, the onus is on the woman to allow him to "linger"? I could be wrong of course, but I see an open marriage as the only solution. Edited May 9, 2011 by worldover98 added more
SincereOnlineGuy Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 the onus is on the woman to allow him to "linger"? Hopefully this wasn't the "more" that you added
Feelin Frisky Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 Hi. Welcome to LS. Have you sought professional help? Hormones drive sexual desire. You may have had a drop in hormone levels and then added some angst on your own to shut yourself down entirely. It's a good thing for you however that you accept that the problem is in you. Many others want to blame anyone else. There's no shame to this and it's not that uncommon so you won't embarrass yourself any by seeing a health professional and detailing your situation. Perhaps there is a medical remedy, say, like hormone replacement and an SSRI to help you from amplifying frustration and projecting it negatively. Good luck.
Author soria Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 I'm not one to typically tell someone what to do with their children, but at 20 months old, it's a pretty safe bet that you can wean her from breast feeding. I know she'll resist, but you're going to have that with a lot of things you try to get her to do or not do in her life, especially during the toddler stage. I don't really feel like it's an option.. I mean it might fix the problem, but it would go against my style of parenting (attachment parenting) which does not allow for children or toddlers or babies "crying it out." Plus if that doesn't fix the issue, I would feel stupid for stopping.
Author soria Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 Same thing here - just too much drudgery with all the kids (not to mention the lack of privacy and time) to feel sexy. I could have gone without sex completely. As it was, I thought we had sex with some regularity (1-2x a week); the issue my H eventually had was that I was 'phoning it in' and not 'really into it.' And he was right, I made him feel neglected and less worthy in doing this. I had no bad intentions and if you asked me, I would have told you I loved my husband dearly, and indeed was in love with him. I just had no idea what I was doing. So my experience is, whether or not you consider it your fault that you are not interested in sex, the fact is, if it's frustrating your H, then sooner or later it will become an issue. That's just the way it is. Frustrating for some spouses not to get as much sex as they want, and frustrating for others to have more sex than they want. The marriage won't stay functional or fulfilling until you figure out how to remedy this; in fact it might not stay at all. Fair? A non-issue. Marriage is very often hard work and sacrifice that is definitely less fair to certain partners over certain issues. Sex most often, however, becomes a dealbreaker. I had an aunt who told me this a long time ago (her husband had cheated on her), but silly me, I was younger and had been with my H for forever and just thought, like most, 'no way, we're different.' Yep, not so much I wouldn't really think we are different at all in that I know it is starting to make him really angry and frustrating. I don't know what to do.. like his family pressures us to stay together, I would feel like an ass calling our wedding off because we won't have sex, but then again.. I know that sex is a major deal-breaker. You don't have sex, there's no intimacy, there's no fire or passion - who would want that? I see what you mean. Maybe I should call it off.
Author soria Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 Oh and to answer the other questions - yes, I talked to my gynecologist about it and she basically said that it could be hormones, but also thought it could be post-partum depression or maybe related to my post-traumatic stress. So I went to counseling for a long time there - a group counseling plus counseling by myself. Then my fiance ad I went to counseling together. My gynecologist had me talk to a psychiatrist and the only thing he could prescribe me is Zoloft. I told him that it makes me into a zombie and doesn't help me so he suggested Ativan which I don't really take that much since it's sort of an as-needed drug. Eh. I feel like nothing helps me. I don't want sex period.. like I don't even want to masturbate or look at other men. I just want to never have sex, never think about it.. nothing. There's nothing in me that gets turned on at all anymore and it is so frustrating! I have dreams about sex sometimes and even my dreams are just me feeling forced into it or like I have to do it. I hate it. He hates it. How can we possibly last. Oh and yes, we have a somewhat open relationship. We have some swinger buddies who we have invited a couple times. I enjoy being with the girl. The guys - eh. I could live without them in the whole thing.
Eve Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 From what you say I think there may be some fear about getting pregnant again. Hope you can seek help from what I know as a Health Visitor. Not sure what system you have in place where you live that is present to support you and the little one. H'mm.. I would say that the attachment system you have may be the problem because it is combined with a sense of duty that is off balance at the moment. BTW, I breast fed for 10 weeks and had to stop. It was exhausting! I think it is time you took your body back now because you cannot mange the sacrifice anymore. As for renewing the love, this is the challenge of being in a relationship. Get your breasts back, get a babysitter and go do something different. If you are not attracted to the qualities of your mate then yes, you are both in trouble. If you have forgotten what it is to have your own space together, that is fixable. Can't comment on the threesomes etc - not in my sexual vocabulary. Make sure the child does not find out. Take care, Eve x
giotto Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 well, obviously you are not prepared to make any changes (you have rejected all the suggestions), so you'll have to wait until you finish weaning your daughter off and take it from there. Don't expect your husband to be over the moon about this. What does he think about still breastfeeding your daughter at 20 months? You say your parenting style won't allow you to do otherwise, but what is this doing to your marriage? Sometimes you have to strike a balance in life...
xxoo Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Has your menstrual cycle returned post-partum? When I was breastfeeding, my libido was low until my menstrual cycle returned. I'll be the first to defend breastfeeding at 20 months That's great--if it is working for you. Since you are having problems with your health, I want to reassure you that it is also perfectly fine to force weaning at this age. Your health, happiness, and relationship is important, too! And the babe will adjust--I promise. Have you heard the oxygen mask analogy? When you are in an airplane, they always remind you to put on your own oxygen mask first, and then help your child. You can not help your child if you don't have oxygen. A big part of being a good mom is taking care of yourself.
giotto Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 I'll be the first to defend breastfeeding at 20 months That's great--if it is working for you. It is working for her and her child, but not for her husband and the marriage. Of course she can carry on breastfeeding her daughter until she is 29, but her husband might not be there anymore. Is it really necessary? As you say, it's perfectly fine to stop breastfeeding at 20 months...
xxoo Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 I don't really feel like it's an option.. I mean it might fix the problem, but it would go against my style of parenting (attachment parenting) which does not allow for children or toddlers or babies "crying it out." Plus if that doesn't fix the issue, I would feel stupid for stopping. I missed this post.... I have similar parenting philosophies. The main thing is to feel really confident about your decision, so that you can support your child well through the adjustment. You can comfort your child in other ways, but still insist no more nursing. No need to "cry it out", although there will probably be some crying (with you providing comfort).
Author soria Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 First, we are not married. My question is whether I should call off our wedding for the fact that we do not have a good sex life now. My fear is being married and 5 years down the road having the same exact issue as we have now. I doubt I will be breastfeeding for the next 5 years, so that is not an issue. The longest I plan on going is to 3 years, and at that point I would be able to take the necessary medications to help relieve some of my depression (Celexa, which I cannot take while nursing.) Second, he is extremely supportive of me breastfeeding. In fact when my daughter was first born, I didn't want to breastfeed at all and he is the one who encouraged me to do so. Now that I have made it this far, I don't really feel like giving it up, and my daughter is very dependent on it. We tried to wean her a few weeks ago, but it didn't work for us and we instead decided to limit her to 2 feedings a day - one before bed, one when she wakes up. Weaning is not an option. I have a regular menstrual cycle because I am on birth control. I used to be on Implanon and had it removed not too long ago because I wasn't having my period and my gynecologist agreed that it could have been causing the low sex drive. During the time I had it I had no periods at all for a year and a half. I switched to the Nuva Ring and my period returned and was regular.
Author soria Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 well, obviously you are not prepared to make any changes (you have rejected all the suggestions), so you'll have to wait until you finish weaning your daughter off and take it from there. Don't expect your husband to be over the moon about this. What does he think about still breastfeeding your daughter at 20 months? You say your parenting style won't allow you to do otherwise, but what is this doing to your marriage? Sometimes you have to strike a balance in life... I don't think you read the OP so yeah. Not married, and it's not a question of making changes this instant. I already know what needs to change, and am prepared to do so when the time comes. It's a question of whether or not this marriage will be a failed one once I am ready to make those changes. I am appreciative of the answers from people who have gone through it or are experiencing it now.
xxoo Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 I highly doubt that nursing 2x a day is affecting your sex drive. It could be the birth control, though. Here is one website that talks about depression and lower libido with NuvaRing. http://www.drugs.com/nuvaring.html At the very least, I'd get off the hormonal birth control and see if your libido improves before calling off the wedding!
giotto Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 I don't think you read the OP so yeah. Not married, and it's not a question of making changes this instant. I already know what needs to change, and am prepared to do so when the time comes. It's a question of whether or not this marriage will be a failed one once I am ready to make those changes. I am appreciative of the answers from people who have gone through it or are experiencing it now. I did read it... you are prepared to make changes when the time comes... so, you are not prepared to at the moment. Also, I don't think it makes that much difference if you are married or not. You have a daughter together. You are already "married" to him! A piece of paper won't make any difference. Finally: your lack of libido might be a combination of your breastfeeding, depression and birth control pill... difficult to tell. Maybe, as xxoo says, you could try and stop the pill.
Author soria Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 I highly doubt that nursing 2x a day is affecting your sex drive. It could be the birth control, though. Here is one website that talks about depression and lower libido with NuvaRing. http://www.drugs.com/nuvaring.html At the very least, I'd get off the hormonal birth control and see if your libido improves before calling off the wedding! I will consider this. We have thought of doing natural family planning (calculating ovulation as BC) since I wouldn't be devastated at the thought of having another kid.
Lecturer Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 I'm not sure why some women change their opinions on sex once they become mothers. I made sure my wife knew that, once she was the mother to our child, she was that much MORE sexy. Femininity is sexy, and what is more feminine than taking care of a baby, nursing it, etc? I think, perhaps, your interpretation of what is sexy needs altering? If you (with your fiance's help) can start to think of yourself as sexy, maybe that will help. As to other things you said, yes, depression will certainly decimate your sex drive. This is very, very common. Finding a way to deal with the depression should probably be a top priority.. that includes finding the courage to make BIG life changes, if need be. It may seem unrealistic to upset one's whole life to deal with this, because it doesn't seem all that serious... but when you think about what it actually means (calling off the wedding, unsatisfied sex life, loss of bond with your partner, etc), then to me it becomes an absolute priority. I'd rather earn half the money, live in a smaller house, and drive a crappier car if it meant I could be sexually fulfilled and have a solid bond with my wife.
mem11363 Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Soria, I am a big, big fan of breastfeeding. I also believe - all things in moderation. Your daughter is 20 months old now, why haven't you weaned her? Also - how much are you exercising - it helps with libido. Is he generally crowding you? Is he constantly saying ILY, always touching you, frequently groping you? Is he just around you "too much"? THOSE things can also kill desire if you feel crowded. Hi, so a little background.. I have been with my guy for about 3 years now. We have a 20 month old daughter.. we don't fight all that much, but I have a major issue with my libido! I hate, hate, hate sex. I didn't stop desiring it until after she was born. I keep hoping that it will get better. I think it could be from breastfeeding.. or possibly being depressed, but I can't really do anything about either of them. I've tried to wean my daughter and let's just say that isn't happening anytime soon, which also means I cannot take the anti-depressants I need. And if neither of those are the cause, then well.. let's just say that's going to make for a mess of a marriage if we follow through with our plans to get married this fall. I feel like this will be the death of our relationship. I don't know what to do, I know it's frustrating for him.. I hate it so much that I don't even want to try anything new like new toys, threesomes, porn.. I just don't want it and can't even stand the thought of it anymore. And if I finally DO bring myself to have sex with him, I just lie there like a dead fish because I feel so unsexy being a mother now. I don't even like being touched! And I know sex is an important part of a relationship - especially a marriage, but still that isn't enough for me to want to just try. Is this relationship and the idea of marriage a lost cause? Or has anyone had experience with nursing or depression causing severe problems like this?
mem11363 Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 A big part of healthy parenting is TWO parents. At this point what is happening is you are prioritizing a "parenting preference" higher than your need to have a strong relationship with your H. I ALWAYS put the needs of our small children ahead of mine "in general". However had my W always put their needs first ALL THE TIME, she would be my ex-wife. And a rigorous diet/exercise program should be tried before any anti-depressants. And if you are on the pill get off it - as the pill can crush your desire for sex. Has your menstrual cycle returned post-partum? When I was breastfeeding, my libido was low until my menstrual cycle returned. I'll be the first to defend breastfeeding at 20 months That's great--if it is working for you. Since you are having problems with your health, I want to reassure you that it is also perfectly fine to force weaning at this age. Your health, happiness, and relationship is important, too! And the babe will adjust--I promise. Have you heard the oxygen mask analogy? When you are in an airplane, they always remind you to put on your own oxygen mask first, and then help your child. You can not help your child if you don't have oxygen. A big part of being a good mom is taking care of yourself.
xxoo Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 Thank you xxoo!!! I hope you find something that helps! And I really do understand about wanting to continue nursing. It was important to me AND my husband, too--even at 20 months (and beyond!) I get it. But I also want you to know that it is okay to wean (and possible to do so without CIO) if/when you need to. That isn't always voiced in the AP community, but I firmly believe it is true. Mom's health and relationship is at least as important as toddler nursing. But I'd still try other fixes before weaning at that age
Recommended Posts