Cloudymood Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 (edited) Hello all, It's my first post here so please give forgive my lack of familiarity with the forum rules... I have a couple of unresolved feelings and would like to know what everyone thinks. Any help would be greatly appreciated. A month ago my ex unilaterally ended a six-month relationship after her return from a 3-month trip abroad visiting her family. While she was away, we literally talked on the phone for at least an hour each day and throughout the relationship I'd not just considered her as my love, but my best friend as well. Not to divulge into details, while in the relationship she did repeatedly tell me about her fear of commitment and other family problems. I never really took it to heart because I knew we were both adults and we should be able to work things out. Well that didn't happen. The first time I saw her since her return from the trip, the hammer dropped. As nicely as she wanted to put it, she wanted me to move on and find another person because of her family predicaments and her fear of commitment. I was dumbfounded but really had no choice other than to take her words for it. Since our breakup, I was devastated for a whole week and could only rely on messaging her on FB/text messages to keep my sanity. From her replies it looked like she did care and that she didn't want to see me in such a despaired state. I was also doing random unrelated updates on my FB page late at night. She also noticed this and asked me to get some rest. Fifth day after the break up I finally asked for a phone call from her. We talked for a couple of hours that day. Although I tried to rationalize (using the best possible way) she still wouldn't bulge. She assured me that we could still talk in the future and said that she still loves me. And if she's ready in the future, she'll come back for another try. She also asked me not to resent her or she would be very sad. Before we got off the phone, she said there were also some gifts that she hadn't given me that she would arrange a time to drop them off for me. After we talked, I was already on the brink of collapsing since I wasn't getting any sleep for days. Even though our last telephone chat didn't involve any name calling or argument, I had enough and gave up. Despite being exhausted, I made a few phone calls to some of my female friends and went out with them to have a good time to forget about this matter. As anticipated, after we hung out these girls started making posts on my FB wall talking about my going out with them and asking me to join them for future events, etc. *Please note that while I was in the relationship, I used to filter out most of communications with females, as I know that my ex doesn't like other girls talking to me.* Before I knew it. Another hammer dropped. My ex actually blocked me on FB for good. Since then we haven't had any contact with each other whatsoever. It's been more than 3 weeks since she's done so and I still have a lot of mixed feelings. Although she left me, I still care a lot about this person and despite hurting, I don't really have any resentment over the breakup. But in the back of my head it always seems like there is this closure that needs to take place. By closure I don't mean any of the material gifts/goods that we hadn't given each other. I guess by closure I wanted to know if I have somehow become someone whom she resents. And if so, why am I being hated? And why do I still care? I have a pretty tough personality but what happened has been slowly eating me from the inside. From most of the posts I've read on this forum, shouldn't the "dumpee" be the one who blocks the "dumper" on FB? And not the other way around? What should I do? Continue on with the NC and just let things go? I didn't want to contact her because I wanted to move on but I am quite curious as to why she suddenly ceased all contacts as well. Should I at least send her a message letting her know that I am no desire to foster any animosity even if we've broken up? Sorry for the long post. I do consider the breakup unilateral but acceptable. And I am doing what I can to move on and have been taking good care of myself and hanging out with supportive friends. However, I truly care about this person and really didn't intend anything bad to hurt anyone's feelings. Does anyone know what just happened? Cloudymood Edited May 9, 2011 by Cloudymood
smudge21 Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 NC is your best and I would say only option. She's clearly made her decisions and has to live with them. I would guess that the blocking you on FB came after your night out. With most dumpers they don't want their ex, but they also don't want anyone else to have their ex either. I'm sure some others will argue against this, but I'm one for sending a final goodbye email and letting the ex know everything that's on my mind and why I have to go no contact. I'm not on about pages and pages of text, just a few paragraphs that let her know how you feel, how this has hurt and how you're going to go heal. Wish her well, no hate or anything and say goodbye. I don't know what kind of communication you two have had recently, but maybe that's worth a try. At least you go NC knowing the ex knows exactly how you feel. None of those regrets thinking you should've said this or that. Your ex clearly has some issues she needs to work out and you need to leave her to do so. Plus, she can only miss you if you're not around anymore.
Author Cloudymood Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 (edited) Smudge21: Thanks for your advice. I appreciate it. Our prior communications were mostly civil and non-argumentative. Since she's already made up her mind, her words were mostly kind but affirming. During the 1st week after we broke up, she did ask me via FB messages to promise her not to let her worry about my situation, as her minds are too tangled up with other matters. On the very same day that we had our last telephone conversation, I sent her a message on FB letting know how difficult it was to let go and promising her that it was the last time she's ever going to worry about me not being able to recover from the breakup. And that I hope that the next time she's in this predicament with someone else, she'll handle the situation differently. She acknowledged receiving this message on FB via text within a day. However, I was immediately blocked on FB after my night out having fun. Although I did continue to have friendly night outs with female friends since then, it's been NC for both of us and no looking back since I was blocked. I did think about sending her a final email as you suggested but I am not really sure how I can word it. She is an extremely intelligent individual and she also knows me very well. Perhaps not as well to figure out my sudden change from the despair mode to healing mode but she was pretty much dead on in terms of my other feelings at the time of the breakup. As difficult as it may seem, I am still somewhat worried about her situation. Edited May 9, 2011 by Cloudymood
happiness0421 Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Cloudymood - my ex unfriended me on Facebook; I think the reason was because I posted a very "happy" post over the weekend and it bothered him. (He was the dumper.) I think it goes back to what someone else said on this post - the dumper doesn't want you bad enough, but they also don't want to see that you're getting along without them or potentially seeing someone else. It really sucks how much something like Facebook/social networking can have a profound effect on how we feel when relationships end. It made things 10x more complicated and frustrating for me. In the end, I decided to block him completely. At least, I *think* I blocked him first; I am not sure. I also really don't care at this point, as he really screwed me over (pulled the same kind of stuff as your ex did). I don't think we, or anyone, deserves to be treated like that!
Author Cloudymood Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 (edited) Happiness: Thanks for contributing your thoughts! I appreciate it. I am not sure what to say or do at this point. Although the breakup did hurt like hell and I was totally devastated during the 1st week, I've actually done quite a good job bouncing back from my sadness. In a way, despite being on full NC mode I still consider my ex a very close friend who's of great significance to me. Perhaps my thought processes are not very conventional; In coping with the breakup, I keep thinking of it as a process whereas two great friends happened to have a major disagreement that led to an inevitable emotional trauma. So, let's just say that a buddy you've known since high school did something really wrong to you that pisses you off big time. It sucks but this person is nevertheless your friend, right? Indeed, I still and will always disagree with my ex's choice to give up the relationship but I've fully accepted and respected her decision within a couple of weeks. I hope I have a healthy mind so far... Edited May 10, 2011 by Cloudymood
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