rcwood84 Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 i am having problems finding thorough answers that are useful.My friends advice hasnt been too helpful. I need some opinions from people who are dettached from the situation my ex and i were together in 2008 and 2009. We had an intense connection. We broke up because we were holding back and afraid to get hurt again. We never officially broke up though & left things hanging. My dad was battling cancer and i was taking care of him. That affected me a lot. I found out now my ex has returned to college to major in the career I am in. I found out because i saw her on campus from afar and in the college paper. My ex spent a lot of time at another college studying something else. A lso,my ex has taken up my hobbie of rock climbing recently, which i introduced her 2. The staff at my climbing gym randomly told me recently that they have seen my ex in there a lot since December. Mutual friends also say my ex has been oddly listening to a lot of my same music I do when she has not liked it before. She broke up with the person she began seeing after me in the last couple of months. She has seemingly started this new life. It sounds like I am still affecting her life in some way but im not certain. some say it could be coincidences but some have other interpretations, what am i to make of all this behavior from my ex? please help shed light? also, i had texted me ex in December after seeing her from afar on campus. we chatted. said i missed rock climbing w/ her. she asked how ive been and i said my dad died a couple weeks ago. she did not respond. some say she was probly shocked and didnt know what to say. i was hurt. how do i interpret this? she was the most beautiful girl i have ever met, inside and outside. i have never had such an intense connection with somebody. i never just sat for several hours glued to someone's lips like that. i have never been able to talk to someone about nothing for hours and be that content. we both got scared and pushed eachother away. that was the death of us. my dad dying taught me a lot. im ready to let love in now w/o fear. i saw her on campus and thought: i wish i could be close to her again and tell her everything i couldnt before. i want to try and talk to my ex since ive been through a lot and matured a lot. I would like very much to resolve what we left hanging at the very least. Deep down, id like to be back together. i loved her so much & never got to tell her & feel like i want to tell her everything i couldnt back then. I'd also like to shed some light on why i acted the way i did. The semester is over. I wont see her until Fall semester but i dont want to wait..how should i go about this? email? text? talking on the phone is very difficult for me right now. i can give more details if needed. i really just want to contact her as soon as i can to gain some sort of peace of mind.
Eddie Edirol Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 If your ex wanted to keep in contact with you, she would have sought you out, since you initiated in december. She took up your hobbies because she liked them, and probably wants to explore them with someone new, is not a clue that she wants to try again. You can go look for her, but you cant approach her like youre continuing where you left off. if you are a new person, then you have to act like it. You have to approach her like she is someone completely new, and you dont bring up the old relationship. You court her as if you never met her before and youre discovering someone new, even though you both know youve been together before. You act like you never needed her, and that youre happy and succesful without her. Dont get all needy and clingy on her. She needs to see that youre not hanging on to the past, and that you have new things to show her, and a new you. The new you doesnt know what the old mistakes that you made with her, and has already learned from them. Remember, when she sees you, she will assume youre the same person. You have to prove with actions that youre not. But ill tell you this, I dont think she will be receptive. Give it a shot assuming that she isnt going to want to try again. You never know if she already is hoping with a relationship with someone else.
Author rcwood84 Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 i will take some of your advice into consideration. i think in some ways only a woman can give insight on how a woman thinks and im not sure women's minds work like a guy. so perhaps for the advice on what she is thinking, i might put more stock into what a woman interprets.... but as far as how i might approach things...you seem to have some good points,. plus, she isnt in a relationship..and she didnt hop into one after we broke up exactly. it happened a couple months later. its a very long story between the two of us and maybe you would just have to understand it better. idk
Jono85 Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 "We had an intense connection. We broke up because we were holding back and afraid to get hurt again. We never officially broke up though & left things hanging." something isn't right there. i doubt the actual reason is as simple as you guys holding back and not wanting to get hurt. and like the other poster said, after she asked how you're doing, and you responded, and even said your dad died, she just left you hanging?? that's terrible!! i don't care if it shocked her and she didn't know what to say, to leave you hanging?? this is the girl you think you love? she had the chance to reconnect with you and she just left things. why do you think that is? i'm not trying to be a downer and say don't go for it, not at all. just making sure you've stepped back and looked at everything objectively. to me the way you described the ending to your relationship, sounds odd.
Eddie Edirol Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 i will take some of your advice into consideration. i think in some ways only a woman can give insight on how a woman thinks and im not sure women's minds work like a guy. so perhaps for the advice on what she is thinking, i might put more stock into what a woman interprets.... but as far as how i might approach things...you seem to have some good points,. plus, she isnt in a relationship..and she didnt hop into one after we broke up exactly. it happened a couple months later. its a very long story between the two of us and maybe you would just have to understand it better. idk Exactly, you dont know, thats why you came here. Dont put too much stock into what many women say, they are very empathetic and dont always tel you what you need o hear, they tell you what they think wont hurt you. They wont tell you that you shouldnt hold out hope, and that you dont get a gf back when youre trying to. Its not about what a woman thinks a woman is thinking. Maybe you just want to hear that she is trying to get closer to you by going to your school, and doing your hobbies, and isnt contacting you because she is waiting to happen to run into you. But thats not reality. Do you just want to hear that she is working her way back to you, when she has your number but wont call?
Author rcwood84 Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 (edited) @jono the relationship basically ended because i was being a total jerk in the end. thats the truth. it was a long thing of her and i going back and forth....come to think of it, i decided i only could love her from far away and i knew what i was doing that day wouldnt end well. she didnt talk to me afterwards. i needed to focus on my father at that time. i lost a good friend beyond a girlfriend doing that stuff to push her away so ill take my part of responsiblity there. she was always saying "since you broke up with me before, how am i to know that if i give my heart away to you, you wont just walk away again". she was flirting around with guy friends and playing games at the end. not innocent. there is a lot to the story.....my mind was very mixed up. i spent a lot of time being positive and strong for my dad and fell apart away from him. i was afraid of losing him every day. it was debilitating and i could not open up to her about it for some reason. i was also somewhat afraid of losing her too. idk. this could be an epic waste of time. i do still love her. that wont change. but maybe i just want to set the record straight for my part in the breakup. i never did. at least there is that much and if i see her on campus or at my gym, it wont be so awkward. in a perfect world, people wouldnt be so complicated and all of these stupid games wouldnt exist. after going through taking care of my dad while he was dying...i learned a lot about my emotions and what to make of life. i think closing that chapter with her would at least close that chapter of my life with my dad, its the last thing i have left to resolve... im really just trying to start a different life with no family. thats my reality. everything has changed and im having to step up and be strong for myself. i really just want to be able to move forward unbridled from debris from my past...especially an unresolved love. i do miss the girl. i do think about her. but deep down i know speaking with her could go either way. i was minding my own business trying to go on with my life and boom!..i look across the street as im walking to my classes one morning to see her standing on the corner. i though...no??? no way. my dad had just died and i wanted nothing to do with that old wound. a couple weeks later, i walk to my car and i see a car parked near it that looks like hers...so i have an "oh ****" moment and walk across the street and pop in the gas station to get a coffee. i look out a few minutes later and see what looks like her and her bro near my car..prolly checking it out to see if its me. i wait. than after its clear. walk to my car and peace out fast. i decided to text her a week after. we joked kinda smart assy back and forth. told her i miss climbing with her. and than she asked how its been going...i told her my dad died and no reply. she spent a lot of time over at my parents house and i think she never realized his cancer could kill him because he just got a bone marrow transplant when we broke up. she knew we were close. i can see her being shocked. her silence stung me. i chalked it up to being insignificant to her life and moved about my business, 2 months later or so, i picked up a school paper. in a column where they asked students questions, i saw her picture and her major listed. she was going to be doing fitness...personal training. a job ive worked in for years. my job when we met. i got her into fitness. i was pretty obsessed with it when we were dating. she spent 4 years at another college working towards a nursing degree and got a special x-ray certification and was interested in being a heart doctor. it shocked me to see that she came back to college at my school to get a degree in my career field..i was kind of bewildered and taken off guard by that. a week later. i walk into the gym at school. im feeling like crap and walk in and see her. we lock eyes. i feel all of these familar feelings and i dont want to talk to her at this low point in my grieving proccess over my father. so i quickly make my way to the door and leave without looking back. i really didnt want to see her after that and tried to push her out of my head again. i had a girlfriend anyway, though we werent that serious. this was in APRIL. i went to my indoor rock climbing gym last week and the staff know me. they told me they have been seeing my ex coming in here a lot since December. i introduced this to her and her bro. they never did it before. she and i used to go do this together all of the time. she stopped doing it after we broke up for a long time.it struck me as odd she was back in there again. than same day, a mutual friend mentioned randomly that my ex is listening to a lot of the music i like. she never had before. the friend asked if we were talking again, i sad nope. she said oh, how odd than. btw. my girlfriend and i called it quits because we wanted different things. we just didnt get a long. so i am single now. this was a month ago. i got to thinking after that and realized how im feeling. i realize that she keeps popping up places in my life and ive got to either pick it back up with her or resolve what we left unresolved. does it make more sense? Edited May 9, 2011 by rcwood84
Author rcwood84 Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 Its not about what a woman thinks a woman is thinking. Maybe you just want to hear that she is trying to get closer to you by going to your school, and doing your hobbies, and isnt contacting you because she is waiting to happen to run into you. But thats not reality. Do you just want to hear that she is working her way back to you, when she has your number but wont call? You know what..i thought about it and you are absolutely right man. I dont think i really want to get back with her, in my heart. I think this is more about closure. if we talk, we catch up and resolve things. if we dont, ive said my peace to her. she knows where im coming from. thats that. All those things she does that i do could have just been things i introduced to her which have sustained in her life. I dont think she knows what she wants. i have lost my parents and endured the death of my dad at 26. im a different person now.i can expect her to grow and change at that same pace in a year and a half or so. she might have just moved on in her life and be happy and im happy for her. I sent the email. we will see what happens. im not expecting anything. i feel like i just want to close that chapter and move forward
Eddie Edirol Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 You know what..i thought about it and you are absolutely right man. I dont think i really want to get back with her, in my heart. I think this is more about closure. if we talk, we catch up and resolve things. if we dont, ive said my peace to her. she knows where im coming from. thats that. All those things she does that i do could have just been things i introduced to her which have sustained in her life. I dont think she knows what she wants. i have lost my parents and endured the death of my dad at 26. im a different person now.i can expect her to grow and change at that same pace in a year and a half or so. she might have just moved on in her life and be happy and im happy for her. I sent the email. we will see what happens. im not expecting anything. i feel like i just want to close that chapter and move forward problem with closure is that people depend on the closure coming from the dumper, and not themselves. You never really get closure from the person that dumped you, because many times, they dont want to feel like closing the door either. They leave it open, and it makes you hang on. Soon as i found out that closing the door makes them come after you sometimes, I started SLAMMING doors in exes faces immediatly after they dumped me. It drove them nuts. What you really want to know is the real reason she lost her attraction to you, for closure, but she will never give you that. people are cowards and just dont do it.
Author rcwood84 Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 What you really want to know is the real reason she lost her attraction to you, for closure, but she will never give you that. yeah..i think i do want closure from her in wishing her to know what was really going with me at the time we broke up because i held back from her. it was never so much her losing attraction for me. that was never a problem. we had a lot of intimacy and sexual chemistry even towards the very end. according to mutual friends and her brother, it was more or less that she gave up on me, feeling i had distanced myself so far away from her that i was behaving eratically. maybe i just do want to know why and what her pushed her to give up? idk. deep down, i know what i did to accomplish her giving up. i just want her to know everything i was holding back from her and apologize for my part in it. if she is a coward and wont acknowledge it and respond, no loss.
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