geegirl Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 @My Either you love torturing yourself or have no self-esteem. Let me know which it is so I can attempt to bring you back from the brink. I know I'm being harsh on you, but you need to get yourself together. What you're doing is simply scratching a very deep cut causing it to bleed again and prolonging your pain. @ MY, Second Jason MY. You keep wanting to go back for one last blow, clinging on for dear life, hoping just maybe one more nudge will turn it around. Going through his response with a fine tooth comb looking for one hopeful word. Stop. You keep ripping that bandaid off. Let your wound heal. He's gently letting you down and respect him for giving you that and move on.
ilovedhim Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 This is my opinion on your situation: Please just stop contacting him, for your own good. I think you need a distraction. You're not nor have you put enough effort into meeting new people. It's been 71 days! You need to find a way to make friends. The reasons you posted as to why you haven't met new people are just excuses to keep your mind focused on your ex. He may be trying to not hurt you. But what if you keep pressuring him and he comes out and flatly tells you to leave him alone? How would you feel? Why put yourself through all this misery? You should be living life at 30! We're about the same age and trust me life, meeting people, dating is so much better at this age than in our 20's. The men have more quality (and money). I also have a recent breakup issue and I know how you are hurting! Believe me I'm in pain also and not a day goes by that I don't cry like an idiot. Maybe you are just lonely. Join an activity, a gym, martial arts class, sports, art class, any kind of extra curricular in your area. You will newpeople and date amazing men, worthy of someone as special as you. You are worth so much more than what you are trying to get out of this guy. He left Unfortunately guys usually say what they mean. If he wanted time he would've told you. He probably just feels guilt. What you are doing is focusing on the wrong person. Everytime he rejects you, doesn't respond, it hurts you're self-esteem and confidence. I don't see how this is worth it. Ever think of changing your number and/or moving? Or maybe just blocking him everywhere? This sounds drastic I know but it's a way of cutting out hope.
ilovedhim Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Read this I found it in another thread and really makes sense: Do you really want your ex back? http://lovesagame.com/wp-content/uploads/downloads/7reasons.pdf Then read this: How to keep NC http://lovesagame.com/no-contact-help-how-to-fight-the-urge-to-contact-your-ex/
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 @My Either you love torturing yourself or have no self-esteem. Let me know which it is so I can attempt to bring you back from the brink. I know I'm being harsh on you, but you need to get yourself together. What you're doing is simply scratching a very deep cut causing it to bleed again and prolonging your pain. I would like to say neither. I dont like torturing myself and I do have self-esteem...my problem is I don't like giving up if there is hope. I mean with my other ex it was os obvious that he wa snot the guy for me and that he wasn't worth fighting for and with this one...I just feel so much guilt and like it is worth fighing for. I feel better letting him know how I feel and honestly I am very confused...bc/ he wants to date me...and have the option of stll having freedom etc. so in other words no questions asked. He wants to see if we wer eto start fresh and get to know one another again would we still be a match Now the reason why I said NO to that is cause i want a commitment. I don't want to be dating someone who is dating others...cause I dont see that as healthy. He said we wouldn't have sex during the dating period and that if we were to decide to take it to the next level of dating exclusively then we would be intimate if i choose to. Now I really don't know if i should have just agreed to all that. I mean my problem was I'm too controlling, too crazy too insecure and don't let him have freedom...so I figure what if i just agreed to that and then showed him that i can chill and can respect him and then eventually if what we have is real then he would want to only date me and we can progress... so is me expecting commitment only proving to him that I can't and won't change? What can i do here? It's like i want to show him i can be normal and not forceful but I also dont know how I would be able to handle just seeing him every now and then....I mean if i knew his intentions this would be different. If i knew that he just wanted the option but didnt plan on dating others that would be different. I don't know if he just wants to see change OR if this would be setting myself up for ultimate heart ache in that the guy I am in love with would be seeing me and other women and have no reason to commit. I also read in all those how to get your ex back that you have to work on yourself...wait a month...then you can invite them on a casual lunch meeting...and I was thinking I may try that. Is that stupid? I want to show him i changed.
geegirl Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 (edited) I mean my problem was I'm too controlling, too crazy too insecure and don't let him have freedom...so I figure what if i just agreed to that and then showed him that i can chill and can respect him and then eventually if what we have is real then he would want to only date me and we can progress.. A good dose of self-esteem also encompasses the ability to have emotional stability. If you had emotional stability, you wouldn't feel the need to control someone else, act crazy and allow someone to make you feel hopelessly insecure. If you had self-esteem you wouldn't behave in such ways and you wouldn't put yourself through this. You are not hopeful. You are just desperate for this to work out the way you want it to and you confuse it for hope. Maybe your controlling traits are not allowing you to see this for what it is. Where did you find "hope" after he replied to your text that he does not know how to respond? If he wanted to be with you, trust me he would have known how to respond. He is trying to let you down gently. Accept it. Use this time to work on yourself. If in time you get to a better place emotionally and mentally and you both cross paths again, you can see where it goes. For now, you need to let this go, NC and heal your wounds. Edited May 9, 2011 by geegirl
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 A good dose of self-esteem also encompasses the ability to have emotional stability. If you had emotional stability, you wouldn't feel the need to control someone else, act crazy and allow someone to make you feel hopelessly insecure. If you had self-esteem you wouldn't behave in such ways and you wouldn't put yourself through this. You are not hopeful. You are just desperate for this to work out the way you want it to and you confuse it for hope. Maybe your controlling traits are not allowing you to see this for what it is. Where did you find "hope" after he replied to your text that he does not know how to respond? If he wanted to be with you, trust me he would have known how to respond. He is trying to let you down gently. Accept it. Use this time to work on yourself. If in time you get to a better place emotionally and mentally and you both cross paths again, you can see where it goes. For now, you need to let this go, NC and heal your wounds. You are so right...and I am scared. Scared that I wont get over this. You're so right. My goodness I am so screwed up. I am hopeless and I am insecure and I am a mess. How did this happen? How did I let this happen? I guess I saw hope in that hes still thinking about it but youre right...he's not thinking about it he just wants me out of his life. that f*cking hurts so bad. So unbearably bad. How did it come to this? How did he go from adoring me and being crazy in love and so scared of me leaving to this...the exact opposite? How do I even work on me? How do I even do that? I scheduled an appt with a christian counselor for may 21 thats his first availability. what is all this? Am i codependent? what is this. why do I just feel the need to just say "okay I'll date you as you asked with freedom and etc" why? and if he wants me out of his life why would he want that option?
Kodo Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 You are so right...and I am scared. Scared that I wont get over this. You're so right. My goodness I am so screwed up. I am hopeless and I am insecure and I am a mess. How did this happen? How did I let this happen? I guess I saw hope in that hes still thinking about it but youre right...he's not thinking about it he just wants me out of his life. that f*cking hurts so bad. So unbearably bad. How did it come to this? How did he go from adoring me and being crazy in love and so scared of me leaving to this...the exact opposite? How do I even work on me? How do I even do that? I scheduled an appt with a christian counselor for may 21 thats his first availability. what is all this? Am i codependent? what is this. why do I just feel the need to just say "okay I'll date you as you asked with freedom and etc" why? and if he wants me out of his life why would he want that option? You're asking too many questions that no-one, not even you can really answer. You're not alone though. Right now I feel exactly the same, yet 12 hours ago I was posting positive advice here and felt it. It's a horrible roller coaster. This isn't just like a "bad day" where you get a little unlucky and miss the train, or work is busier than usual, or you misplace your phone. This is a massive switch. And it's not so certain. But what you're feeling right now is exactly hwat people have said to do. You're feeling the pain. You're not ignoring it. And I hope this is what makes us stronger.
geegirl Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 First off, you need to stop putting yourself down. In context of the break up, you are entitled to feel scared and hopeless. It's normal. When I was going through my break up, I felt the same way. Everyone goes through those waves of painful feelings. You will get over it but it will depend on how you choose to deal with it and what you do to work on yourself. Things happen. Sometimes we're not self aware of of our issues until something drastic happens to wake us up. It's never too late to buck up and find ways to make life better for you. People change. Dynamics of the relationship change. Wants and needs change. Feelings change. Sometimes things come to an end over time and sometimes they flourish and become greater than what it was. It changed for him. What you want is not what he wants. What you value is not what he values. You have no control over that. You can't question why he changed. He just did. Meeting your christian counselor is a good start. If you can find a licensed therapist to help you dig into the issues that hold you back and work on understanding why you do what you do and how to divert yourself from it, it would be beneficial. Try to get some self help books and read as much as you can. Don't just read and let them gather dust. Keep going back to words that encourage you or make you tick. What are you passionate about in life as in sports, hobbies, events, etc? Get involved in something that nurtures your soul. Do you have talents, as in creativity, musically...enhance and develop them. You need tap into all that is positive about YOU. Go to the gym and start working out and once you see yourself looking great, you will begin to feel good about yourself and your image. Do you have friends? Be around positive people. Make new friends if you don't have any. Is there a cause that you are passionate about? Try volunteering for it. It will most times make you appreciate what you have and give you perspective on life. You must make a conscious effort to feed your soul, your mind and your heart. I can't diagnose you as co-dependent. I have a feeling I am but I am changing it. Whatever the label, you know you have to work on yourself. You feel the need to say, "okay, I'll date you as you asked.." because you would rather than little bread crumb than nothing at all. You'll settle for anything to fill that void in you. This is why you need to fill your life with what defines and builds you. Lastly, don't make yourself an option in his life. You should be a priority. Stop questioning his intent. You will never get your answer. Start focusing on you and asking yourself how you are going to start making changes in your life.
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 First off, you need to stop putting yourself down. In context of the break up, you are entitled to feel scared and hopeless. It's normal. When I was going through my break up, I felt the same way. Everyone goes through those waves of painful feelings. You will get over it but it will depend on how you choose to deal with it and what you do to work on yourself. Things happen. Sometimes we're not self aware of of our issues until something drastic happens to wake us up. It's never too late to buck up and find ways to make life better for you. People change. Dynamics of the relationship change. Wants and needs change. Feelings change. Sometimes things come to an end over time and sometimes they flourish and become greater than what it was. It changed for him. What you want is not what he wants. What you value is not what he values. You have no control over that. You can't question why he changed. He just did. Meeting your christian counselor is a good start. If you can find a licensed therapist to help you dig into the issues that hold you back and work on understanding why you do what you do and how to divert yourself from it, it would be beneficial. Try to get some self help books and read as much as you can. Don't just read and let them gather dust. Keep going back to words that encourage you or make you tick. What are you passionate about in life as in sports, hobbies, events, etc? Get involved in something that nurtures your soul. Do you have talents, as in creativity, musically...enhance and develop them. You need tap into all that is positive about YOU. Go to the gym and start working out and once you see yourself looking great, you will begin to feel good about yourself and your image. Do you have friends? Be around positive people. Make new friends if you don't have any. Is there a cause that you are passionate about? Try volunteering for it. It will most times make you appreciate what you have and give you perspective on life. You must make a conscious effort to feed your soul, your mind and your heart. I can't diagnose you as co-dependent. I have a feeling I am but I am changing it. Whatever the label, you know you have to work on yourself. You feel the need to say, "okay, I'll date you as you asked.." because you would rather than little bread crumb than nothing at all. You'll settle for anything to fill that void in you. This is why you need to fill your life with what defines and builds you. Lastly, don't make yourself an option in his life. You should be a priority. Stop questioning his intent. You will never get your answer. Start focusing on you and asking yourself how you are going to start making changes in your life. I think I said it before I am new to this big city and I have tried very hard to make new friends its super hard. the girls are very flakey and dont want to hang out just go out and party and the guys well you know what they want. and so i'm all alone he was my best friend now hes out hanging around with everyone cause he can hang with guys and girls and hes having a blast and i'm miserable i am going to seek professional help and figure me out any recommended books? i already have quite a few like women who love too much and break up books but any others?
geegirl Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 I am alone in this country. After my break up, I realized that I only had two friends, and they were both married. I stayed home and moped and kept to myself. And being a foreigner, it caused me to retreat even more. But one day I decided I had enough of being lonely. I went on several social sites i.e. http://www.meetup.com (type in your zip code and what you like doing and a list of social groups will appear), http://www.internationalclubdc.com (I live in DC so this may not apply but to give you an idea), http://www.thingstodoindc.com...and started signing up for events. I forced myself to go out to these events eventhough it was hard. I too didn't want friends who were flakey, drank and partied. I wanted friends of substance and who had things in common with me. Three months later, I have established a circle of friends that I love spending time with and who've been a positive add in my life. I'm always involved in something or planning fun things with them. You can make friends volunteering at your church, joining a book club, etc. Do some research of events and social clubs in your area. You live in a big city. You won't have a problem finding ways to put yourself out there. He's having a blast because he wants to and he chooses to. You can as well if you get out of your self defeating mindset. Put the relationship books aside for now. Read books that focus on building yourself up. Some books that I have read. Get to the library and browse the self-help shelves. If something strikes you, pick it up, take it home and read it. Go to the bookstore and see if the books below are available...take a read through and see if any of these interest you or encourages you. 1. What to say when you talk to yourself: By Shad Helmstetter 2. Change It: By Dr. Bill Quain & Doug Price (Purpose is to help you make choices that will change your life for the better) 3. A Kick in the Attitude: By Sam Glenn (Helps you focus on choosing the right attitude in all situations) 4. Today Matters: By John Maxwell (Helps you choose habits of success) 5. The Ant & the Elephant: By Vince Poscente (Improving workplace performance) 6. Gods Power to Change your Life: By Rick Warren (Helps you use spiritual principles to change your life) 7. That's Life: By Tim Connor,CSP (Discusses how to over come 40 challenges of life
Recommended Posts