MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t277125/ Thats from earlier where I was questioning whether or not not break NC and I did it. I'm sorry to let you all down. I'm weak and I'm just so desperate. It's sad actually but I literally spent all day yesterday and today crying. Like I'm talking on the floor sobbing. I just felt I had to break NC for me. I texted him. "It's been 71 days since I've lost my best friend/lover. It's been one month since you moved out of the home we love. It's been 16 days since I haven't seen your gorgeous loving face. Please come home. or at least let it be time to start fresh. Just me and you. A second chance." Needless to say......ready for the shocker...he didn't reply. I sent it about 45 min ago and he didn't reply. I don't think he even will. I mean I know there really isnt anything to say to that, If he wanted to be with me he would. If he wanted to contact me or see me he would. I did tell him two weeks ago never to contact me again and he promised he wouldnt. I think that maybe he could think not to reply to this message because of that as well. But then again we all know if he wanted to be with me he would reply. Maybe thats why I did it. To show that he CAN contact if and only if he does want to get back. I dunno. I don't feel worse though. Well that could change. He could still write something back like "I'm sorry Ive moved on" and that may crush me even more...but as of right now I feel like I am at the lowest low and cant go any lower so thats why I did it. I can start NC again now knowing that I gave him an additional 2 weeks and nothing happened. I just felt bad after the cold note and my cold email reply (he wanted his mail so he left note on the door and i replied one line via email saying his mail is in bag on door) And now that I sent that message I feel better somehow. Is that stupid? I know I probably disappointed you all. And I do wish that I had just walked away the first second he said he needed time. But I figure I might as well tell him how I feel just one last time. I know I have to move on. I know he wont come back. It's been two weeks and he's happier without me. I'm sure he's already had a woman at his place and slept with her. I wouldnt even be too shocked if he's already "falling" for her. None of this is anything I know but these are the thoughts I have so i can't feel worse. I will let you know if/when he replies. I kinda hope he doesnt. Cause i know what he has to say wont make me feel better anyway. If anything it will make it worse.
Amnell Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Congratulations for starting NC again! I empathize with what feels like an unsatisfactory ending and not being wanted back. Personally, my last contact with the boy I was with for over a year was a phone call where I was completely devastated and told him I loved him and would not give up on him. It has been two months since then and I have had absolutely no contact with him. It was difficult to accept this ending, but I realized that all of the things I wanted to say to him - things I wanted him to remember (similar to your reminding him of your home together) were things he knew well enough that he left. I learned that I only wanted him to understand because of my love for him, something that he no longer felt. It is uncomfortable to stop thinking that way for your ex. Practice makes it easier. I am often horrified to look back on the love that he walked away from, but I know now that it was unrequited. My view of the relationship was NOT REAL. I've changed my perception of him from 'the wonderful person I love' to a very flawed person who could not appreciate my many wonderful qualities. This brings me to an important tidbit that might help you: Know that he does not love you and therefore he is not the perfect fit you thought he was. You think he's a god now, but in moments of clarity you will remember his faults. In time you may even wonder why you got with him in the first place! I hope you understand what I'm saying; I'm feeling sleepy and it's hard to tell if I'm being coherent. If not, just know that many people relate to what you are going through right now. You deserve to be happy and your ex is not contributing to your happiness. Find some other things to do, even if that is reading the many sections of this forum. Maybe read some threads about new relationships; for me it was helpful to think of how love could sprout again someday!
Leda Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 You will hear a lot on this site about keeping No Contact in order to keep your dignity or keep the upper hand, making sure your ex doesn't see how upset you are. All of that is kind of BS, I think--you do not want a relationship with anyone who cares more about your ability (or not) to hide that you are hurt by losing someone you love than about how it feels to hold you, your mutual chemistry, your humor, your connection. If the ex is so impressed that you've managed to ignore them and pretend to move on that it brings them back, you don't want an LTR with that person. They'll just leave again if you, like, get the flu one day or something. A happy long term relationship takes two people who are sooo into each other that they can each ride out the inevitable moments when the other is needy, distant, or unpleasant. What's important is not whether or not you keep No Contact, in my opinion. What's important is that you start to heal and feel better. It sounds like now things are clear on both sides: he knows how you feel, and you know that he is ending things knowing how you feel. NC can be way more buoying and helpful for some personality types than others...So please keep in mind the SPIRIT of your NC more than the LETTER of your NC. The spirit is for you to commit, inside your own head and heart, to staying alive and having a life even though it's sad not to be with this one person anymore. I know how shredding and deeply, life-ruiningly awful it can feel when wanting to stay involved is one-sided. So NC is a tool to make sure you are taking care of yourself, instead of still trying to take care of, or get something from, the person who left. I think it's good there's NO AMBIGUITY about your feelings. You won't spend the next six months with a niggle ("What if he doesn't know I love him and want him back?"). But now it's time to find a way, your own way, to make sure that your life doesn't suck.
homebrew Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 (edited) I can start NC again now knowing that I gave him an additional 2 weeks and nothing happened. Glad that you gave the guy that dumped you... 2 additional weeks to figure out what he wants and come back to you.... You sure showed him with that text message! I hate to remind you... but this guy broke up with you because you were controlling, demanding and mean. He told you that when he ask for a break... you were punishing him. Which lead to a complete break up, him moving out and dating other women. Now you have him where he will not even contact you or respond to you. Tell me exactly how "YOUR WAY" is working out for you? Because I am not seeing any results! If your goal is to make yourself completely miserable, to look pathetic and push your Ex away even further... Then a big congratulations is in order because you succeeded! Your Ex knows that you still do not care anything about him or what he wants... It is still ALL ABOUT YOU AND YOUR NEEDS. Which is what drove you to be controlling and demanding... Which in turn, led him to dump your a55! You are your own worst enemy and until you get yourself fixed... you will drive any man you enter into a relationship away! Go get some professional HELP! Edited May 9, 2011 by homebrew
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 Congratulations for starting NC again! I empathize with what feels like an unsatisfactory ending and not being wanted back. Personally, my last contact with the boy I was with for over a year was a phone call where I was completely devastated and told him I loved him and would not give up on him. It has been two months since then and I have had absolutely no contact with him. It was difficult to accept this ending, but I realized that all of the things I wanted to say to him - things I wanted him to remember (similar to your reminding him of your home together) were things he knew well enough that he left. I learned that I only wanted him to understand because of my love for him, something that he no longer felt. It is uncomfortable to stop thinking that way for your ex. Practice makes it easier. I am often horrified to look back on the love that he walked away from, but I know now that it was unrequited. My view of the relationship was NOT REAL. I've changed my perception of him from 'the wonderful person I love' to a very flawed person who could not appreciate my many wonderful qualities. This brings me to an important tidbit that might help you: Know that he does not love you and therefore he is not the perfect fit you thought he was. You think he's a god now, but in moments of clarity you will remember his faults. In time you may even wonder why you got with him in the first place! I hope you understand what I'm saying; I'm feeling sleepy and it's hard to tell if I'm being coherent. If not, just know that many people relate to what you are going through right now. You deserve to be happy and your ex is not contributing to your happiness. Find some other things to do, even if that is reading the many sections of this forum. Maybe read some threads about new relationships; for me it was helpful to think of how love could sprout again someday! Thank you for writing this and I liked all that you said. I am at the point where I should see that this is not the guy for me but for some reason yes I have made him into a god. I dont even know why. I hope to one day see a different perspective and when will that happen? Does that only come with time? Do I have to date and meet someone new before that happens? I dont know why I cant seem to let go. Its crazy. I guess him not replying helps me. Now I am worried he will reply at like 1 am or something. Why did I make all my happiness depend on him? Weekends are the worst on me. You're right he knows what he chose to leave and he left it anyway. I'm so blind and in love. Its terrible, I would do anything not to be I need help
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 Glad that you gave the guy that dumped you... 2 additional weeks to figure out what he wants and come back to you.... You sure showed him with that text message! I hate to remind you... but this guy broke up with you because you were controlling, demanding and mean. He told you that when he ask for a break... you were punishing him. Which lead to a complete break up, him moving out and dating other women. Now you have him where he will not even contact you or respond to you. Tell me exactly how "YOUR WAY" is working out for you? Because I am not seeing any results! If your goal is to make yourself completely miserable, to look pathetic and push your Ex away even further... Then a big congratulations is in order because you succeeded! Your Ex knows that you still do not care anything about him or what he wants... It is still ALL ABOUT YOU AND YOUR NEEDS. Which is what drove you to be controlling and demanding... Which in turn, led him to dump your a55! You are your own worst enemy and until you get yourself fixed... you will drive any man you enter into a relationship away! Go get some professional HELP! Wow. This went from being honest to just brutal. I understand where you are coming from and what you are saying. You're right. he probably does see it that way. I was saying it more like i love you and I hope you want to give us a try not like all demanding. I guess theres not a way to not sound demanding once I already messed up. So is there any hope left or should I just write this off for the rest of my life? I am going to get help. cause I noticed that its getting impossible for me to let go, But from his POV do you think that hes done with me for good?
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 You will hear a lot on this site about keeping No Contact in order to keep your dignity or keep the upper hand, making sure your ex doesn't see how upset you are. All of that is kind of BS, I think--you do not want a relationship with anyone who cares more about your ability (or not) to hide that you are hurt by losing someone you love than about how it feels to hold you, your mutual chemistry, your humor, your connection. If the ex is so impressed that you've managed to ignore them and pretend to move on that it brings them back, you don't want an LTR with that person. They'll just leave again if you, like, get the flu one day or something. A happy long term relationship takes two people who are sooo into each other that they can each ride out the inevitable moments when the other is needy, distant, or unpleasant. What's important is not whether or not you keep No Contact, in my opinion. What's important is that you start to heal and feel better. It sounds like now things are clear on both sides: he knows how you feel, and you know that he is ending things knowing how you feel. NC can be way more buoying and helpful for some personality types than others...So please keep in mind the SPIRIT of your NC more than the LETTER of your NC. The spirit is for you to commit, inside your own head and heart, to staying alive and having a life even though it's sad not to be with this one person anymore. I know how shredding and deeply, life-ruiningly awful it can feel when wanting to stay involved is one-sided. So NC is a tool to make sure you are taking care of yourself, instead of still trying to take care of, or get something from, the person who left. I think it's good there's NO AMBIGUITY about your feelings. You won't spend the next six months with a niggle ("What if he doesn't know I love him and want him back?"). But now it's time to find a way, your own way, to make sure that your life doesn't suck. Leda- Thanks and yeah I didnt like the way we had left it and for some stupid reason I would rather leave it as me telling him i still want to be with him than me being angry. But he didnt reply anyway. which is good i guess cause not replying is saying a lot without having to.
Amnell Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Thank you for writing this and I liked all that you said. I am at the point where I should see that this is not the guy for me but for some reason yes I have made him into a god. I dont even know why. I hope to one day see a different perspective and when will that happen? Does that only come with time? Do I have to date and meet someone new before that happens? I dont know why I cant seem to let go. Its crazy. I guess him not replying helps me. Now I am worried he will reply at like 1 am or something. Why did I make all my happiness depend on him? Weekends are the worst on me. You're right he knows what he chose to leave and he left it anyway. I'm so blind and in love. Its terrible, I would do anything not to be I need help What you need will come in time through self work. You don't necessarily have to meet anyone new first, just get caught up in life. Your breakup is dominating right now and that is making you think that all of your happiness was based on him. I thought the same thing of my ex, too. A couple of weeks down the road I started to remember all of the things in life completely unrelated to him that gave me joy. Having fun again helped change my perspective on our relationship. Distraction is an important part of building your self-esteem again - get away from sad thoughts in healthy ways. Therapy is awesome! I highly recommend it if you have access to it. You can recover without, but being with someone that knows the right questions to ask can save you a lot of time.
homebrew Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Wow. This went from being honest to just brutal. I understand where you are coming from and what you are saying. You're right. he probably does see it that way. I was saying it more like i love you and I hope you want to give us a try not like all demanding. I guess theres not a way to not sound demanding once I already messed up. So is there any hope left or should I just write this off for the rest of my life? I am going to get help. cause I noticed that its getting impossible for me to let go, But from his POV do you think that hes done with me for good? To answer your questions: 1. So is there any hope left or should I just write this off for the rest of my life? (2 questions in one) I always believe there is hope... unless it is hurting you and in your case it is. Yes, you should write this off for good. Why? Writing this off for good along with getting "YOURSELF" back is what is going to give you the best opportunity to having a second chance. In your current state... you will NEVER get him back... EVER! Who and what you are now... Is that the person he fell in love with? NO! So trying to get your Ex back when you are not "YOURSELF" is futile and pointless! He doesn't like, want or need who / what you are now. So let's focus on STEP 1 and not STEP 26.... STEP 1 - Get "YOURSELF" back. When you get done with STEP 1... Then let's take a look at STEP 2. 2. But from his POV do you think that hes done with me for good? At the present moment... YES. This is what he is thinking. However, if you allow some time and space to come between you, he might start to miss you and reach out to you... When he talks, sees, hears the "old you" again... Who knows what can happen! So focus on YOU right now... Let's not worry about him! So go get some professional help, stay here on LS, LISTEN AND FOLLOW our advice and lets see what happens!
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 What you need will come in time through self work. You don't necessarily have to meet anyone new first, just get caught up in life. Your breakup is dominating right now and that is making you think that all of your happiness was based on him. I thought the same thing of my ex, too. A couple of weeks down the road I started to remember all of the things in life completely unrelated to him that gave me joy. Having fun again helped change my perspective on our relationship. Distraction is an important part of building your self-esteem again - get away from sad thoughts in healthy ways. Therapy is awesome! I highly recommend it if you have access to it. You can recover without, but being with someone that knows the right questions to ask can save you a lot of time. I agree...I guess what makes it harder for me is that I'm in a new city and i dont have any friends. I have done what I could to make friends but at my age its hard. I'm 30. Most people make friends through work or school and I'm not in school and I work with older people. Its hard. even posted for friends on craigslist and nothing happened....so its hard to distract myself and so all i think of is the things i could be doing with him...
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 Okay so it took 2 hours and he wrote back. "I got your text. I am thinking of how, when, or if replying is really the right thing to do."
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 Okay so it took 2 hours and he wrote back. "I got your text. I am thinking of how, when, or if replying is really the right thing to do." so truth be told...in my distorted thinking that i cant seem to snap out of...when he didnt reply i thought oh wow he must already be with someone and he doesnt want to "cheat" on her by replying to me....blah blah... but it does make me feel better that he replied. obviously. Now...i think that it would only make sense that crazy me thinks about what this says, He is saying he doesnt know what to say...which I know...cause for the past 2 and a half months he's been in a complete state of "i dont know"...i mean what he does know is that he doesnt want to be with me...obviously or he would be with me. He doesnt know when to reply....now this doesnt make sense to me all that much...maybe he meant thats why he waited 2 hours or maybe he meant when to reply about whether or not he is willing to give is a second chance... and IF to reply....he doesnt know if replying is the right thing to do...cause i asked him not to contact me again, he promised a mutual friend he would never contact me again...and he also doesnt want to give me false hope...so he's right he doesnt know if replying is the right thing to do yet he would feel like a jerk not replying so he replied that. So i didnt reply to his message cause theres nothing to day right. I should be glad that he even replied and leave it at that. I said what i had to say and he said he doesnt know what to reply. It can be left as is then. Sound good?
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 To answer your questions: 1. So is there any hope left or should I just write this off for the rest of my life? (2 questions in one) I always believe there is hope... unless it is hurting you and in your case it is. Yes, you should write this off for good. Why? Writing this off for good along with getting "YOURSELF" back is what is going to give you the best opportunity to having a second chance. In your current state... you will NEVER get him back... EVER! Who and what you are now... Is that the person he fell in love with? NO! So trying to get your Ex back when you are not "YOURSELF" is futile and pointless! He doesn't like, want or need who / what you are now. So let's focus on STEP 1 and not STEP 26.... STEP 1 - Get "YOURSELF" back. When you get done with STEP 1... Then let's take a look at STEP 2. 2. But from his POV do you think that hes done with me for good? At the present moment... YES. This is what he is thinking. However, if you allow some time and space to come between you, he might start to miss you and reach out to you... When he talks, sees, hears the "old you" again... Who knows what can happen! So focus on YOU right now... Let's not worry about him! So go get some professional help, stay here on LS, LISTEN AND FOLLOW our advice and lets see what happens! the few concerns i have with this are that....yes i am different than the girl he fell in love with in that i was strong back then...i was always very opinionated and thats what he liked about me....which is also what he ended up hating about me...i was always very controlling but i guess i didnt cross any lines back then and now he felt i did. I honestly think what happened is that he gave me all his freedom and he regrets it now. Like he stopped talking to all women b/c i said he seems to relate to women inappropriately...and then he said "You made me lose all my female friends cause you didnt allow me to talk to them"...when in reality i never said he wasnt allowed to. Anyway....yes i need to work on me and stop being a lunatic. I agree, and youre right the second he sees the bad version of me he takes off running again and he isnt willing to give me a second chance until he sees for aa fact that i have actually changed he even told me that....that it would take a long time like months to see change. problem is...when do i see change? when do i see that he will only have eyes for me? why do i have to change so much (which i do want to do) and yet he isnt listing the things HE is willing to change? pisses me off
Am4Real Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 why do i have to change so much (which i do want to do) and yet he isnt listing the things HE is willing to change? pisses me off I'll take the last two lines as a break up rant...hopefully...otherwise I think you have much work to do on yourself. Stop worrying about him; get YOU in order so you don't make all the same mistakes with the next guy.
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 So after his reply which was basically him saying he doesnt know what to reply I'm just going to go NC again. He obviously needs time and space and 2 weeks wasn't/isnt enough. So i have a question he originally wanted us to date again...like get to know one another again and the only prob i had with that is that he also wanted to date other women.... and I couldn't imagine doing that....so like hanging out with him one day and not knowing what he is doing the next day etc. Was that wrong of me? Should I have just said okay and let him date other women (as i would any new guy i met anyway) ? I told him about NC as in printed out articles about how him contacting me is just plain selfish (cause he doesnt want me) and how it strings me along...he said he was sorry and promised to NEVER contact me again... so did i mess up by explaining NC rather than just doing it? I'm thinking this is stupid but I almost feel like contacting him again just so that i can actually go NC and have it have an impact. Does that make sense?
geegirl Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 So after his reply which was basically him saying he doesnt know what to reply I'm just going to go NC again. He obviously needs time and space and 2 weeks wasn't/isnt enough. So i have a question he originally wanted us to date again...like get to know one another again and the only prob i had with that is that he also wanted to date other women.... and I couldn't imagine doing that....so like hanging out with him one day and not knowing what he is doing the next day etc. Was that wrong of me? Should I have just said okay and let him date other women (as i would any new guy i met anyway) ? I told him about NC as in printed out articles about how him contacting me is just plain selfish (cause he doesnt want me) and how it strings me along...he said he was sorry and promised to NEVER contact me again... so did i mess up by explaining NC rather than just doing it? I'm thinking this is stupid but I almost feel like contacting him again just so that i can actually go NC and have it have an impact. Does that make sense? No, it doesn't make sense. Look. You need to accept that he is moving on. If you want NC to have an impact for YOU, start now and don't look back. You don't have to explain NC to him. You do it by action. Stop going back for one last blow or finding ways to perfect your closure with him. You want to go back for "right" closure. There is no way for right closure. It's a break up -- full of hurt, pain and unresolved issues. It's messy. Leave the mess, get on NC and move on. Use this time to work on yourself.
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 Obviously this is not an easy thing to answer but do you guys think he responded what he did bc he just doesnt know what to say b/c he's still confused and needs time OR was that a nice way of saying that he's over me and has moved on and doesn't want to hurt me by saying something else? I will not rely or respond anymore...i did want to say that i am willing to go on a date now...as he originally wanted...but i wont do it.
Gisele Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Ah, the most frustrating thing about this is, i've been you i want to give you a hug. And if i could go back in time and stop myself from all the similar things i did, I would, but i think it's an important lesson to learn: perfect break-ups are nearly mythical. And it'll make you stronger, IF YOU OWN THE SITUATION. I actually wrote down how to behave in the next break up, whenever that may be, and committed it to memory (stupid but counters the thoughts of 'dont you dare behave like THAT again!' you tend to get post-recovery): because I don't want to make progress-hindering mistakes again, and I want to come out of it with as much pride intact as possible. Will i stick to it? Right now it seems likely, but who knows..emotions can make us lose so much control Basically, it involved: Putting on my acting face, agreeing the break up is in both our best interests, leaving politely and swiftly, NO CONTACT FROM DAY ONE and grieving quietly and privately. Ive gone through the same scenario of fighting their decisions, begging, breaking no contact, watching facebook profiles, rejecting other men due to being hung up on them....and ive had enough. I needed a 'break up' plan. And so do you. i know exactly what you mean by wanting to contact him again for actual impact: by explaining no contact to him and by HIM agreeing to never contact you again, you feel like the control that NC gave you, albeit painful, is now in his hands. As if it's now his decision. Am i right? To answer your more important question, please start thinking of yourself in the 3rd person for a while. I think you've been hurt so much by this that you're entering the mindset of 'trying again won't hurt more, will it?' It won't be a fresh cut, but you're picking at a wound. Look at yourself from an outsiders perspective, try to get outside your head. You'd see a woman who needs to take care of herself, someone who needs support, and ultimately you'd see that the more involved he is in your life, the more he'll hurt you. Im scottish and it's not the done thing here to be dating several people at once, but i understand it's entirely normal in america in the early stages of dating. But still, why would you go backwards? Why would you make yourself readily available to this man? To be 'one of the many' vying for his attention? He is not any new guy. You've experienced a relationship with him. Im worried that your selfesteem is dropping so low because of this, that you're considering letting him have you there as a back-up. You are not some emotionally-stunted guy's 'desperate ex'.
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 Okay so homebrew's repsonse to me really made me think and i didnt intend for the text i sent him to come across as controlling or demanding again... so i replied once more...i know i know but i'm being honest here.. i said "From your text I gathered that you're thinking of how to reply, when to reply, and IF you even want to reply. and I understand that." and he said "Yes. Thank you" SO I will leave it at that. truth be told i wanted to be like lets go on a date or whatever but nope i didnt. I will just leave it at that. i told him how i feel. he said he doesn't know what to say. so i told him i understand that he doesn't know what to say. and he said thanks. the end
Fufu Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Treat it as the end for REAL. Don't contact him anymore. Now focus on yourself only.
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 Treat it as the end for REAL. Don't contact him anymore. Now focus on yourself only. I am. I want to say so much more like we hsould go t counseling, we should go on a date, blah blah blah like all the things i miss baout him, etc i do want to do all that but i wont. i will stop all that now
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 Ah, the most frustrating thing about this is, i've been you i want to give you a hug. And if i could go back in time and stop myself from all the similar things i did, I would, but i think it's an important lesson to learn: perfect break-ups are nearly mythical. And it'll make you stronger, IF YOU OWN THE SITUATION. I actually wrote down how to behave in the next break up, whenever that may be, and committed it to memory (stupid but counters the thoughts of 'dont you dare behave like THAT again!' you tend to get post-recovery): because I don't want to make progress-hindering mistakes again, and I want to come out of it with as much pride intact as possible. Will i stick to it? Right now it seems likely, but who knows..emotions can make us lose so much control Basically, it involved: Putting on my acting face, agreeing the break up is in both our best interests, leaving politely and swiftly, NO CONTACT FROM DAY ONE and grieving quietly and privately. Ive gone through the same scenario of fighting their decisions, begging, breaking no contact, watching facebook profiles, rejecting other men due to being hung up on them....and ive had enough. I needed a 'break up' plan. And so do you. i know exactly what you mean by wanting to contact him again for actual impact: by explaining no contact to him and by HIM agreeing to never contact you again, you feel like the control that NC gave you, albeit painful, is now in his hands. As if it's now his decision. Am i right? To answer your more important question, please start thinking of yourself in the 3rd person for a while. I think you've been hurt so much by this that you're entering the mindset of 'trying again won't hurt more, will it?' It won't be a fresh cut, but you're picking at a wound. Look at yourself from an outsiders perspective, try to get outside your head. You'd see a woman who needs to take care of herself, someone who needs support, and ultimately you'd see that the more involved he is in your life, the more he'll hurt you. Im scottish and it's not the done thing here to be dating several people at once, but i understand it's entirely normal in america in the early stages of dating. But still, why would you go backwards? Why would you make yourself readily available to this man? To be 'one of the many' vying for his attention? He is not any new guy. You've experienced a relationship with him. Im worried that your selfesteem is dropping so low because of this, that you're considering letting him have you there as a back-up. You are not some emotionally-stunted guy's 'desperate ex'. This is all so true and i appreciate you writing it. i guess for me all i needed is to end things in a better way. i know it makes no sense but i feel better having it end with me telling him how i feel rather than just how it did.
geegirl Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 I am. I want to say so much more like we hsould go t counseling, we should go on a date, blah blah blah like all the things i miss baout him, etc i do want to do all that but i wont. i will stop all that now I know how you feel. You want to fight for this because YOU want this R. If he wanted the same, he'd be saying the same things. Telling him how much he means to you and what you want will fall on deaf ears. Dumpers don't respond to all that because they are moving on and they don't share the same intent, feelings or intensity of the R or what it once was. It's going to hurt like hell. Post here and ask for support. Just don't go looking to him for comfort.
JasonRules Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 so i replied once more...i know i know but i'm being honest here.. i said "From your text I gathered that you're thinking of how to reply, when to reply, and IF you even want to reply. and I understand that." and he said "Yes. Thank you" @My Either you love torturing yourself or have no self-esteem. Let me know which it is so I can attempt to bring you back from the brink. I know I'm being harsh on you, but you need to get yourself together. What you're doing is simply scratching a very deep cut causing it to bleed again and prolonging your pain.
Gisele Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 This is all so true and i appreciate you writing it. i guess for me all i needed is to end things in a better way. i know it makes no sense but i feel better having it end with me telling him how i feel rather than just how it did. It makes sense to me, you're not only trying to make sense of his actions and as someone else said, get 'proper' closure, but you feel like if you had stayed silent, maybe you wouldn't have tried your hardest to make your point clear But you have, and he won't listen anymore. It hurts, but try to remember that if he wanted to get in contact, he would. Anything else will just push him away further. Really start focusing on yourself. Not yourself and him, not what you've said and done in this situation...just you, just as you were before you even knew him You were happy then and you'll be happy again Do what makes you feel good. Even if that's just curling up under a duvet and watching a film. Make yourself feel and look as gorgeous as possible
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