SigOne Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 Ok, here's my situation I'm 24 and have never been in a relationship...I know crazy. I'm fit, average looking and have a stable 9-5 job. I'm just a shy, nice guy I just started going out with this girl, that I met on a dating website, for a month now. We go out every Friday night where I pay the dinner bill every time. At the end of each night, I always just hug her (no long romantic hug) and say goodbye. We haven't kissed yet! It's because I'm too shy to make the move When we're walking, she lets me hold her hand but it's always me initiating it. We take photos of ourselves together and I made them my facebook profile pic but she hasn't Just tonight, she called me and asked about a facebook post on my wall. One of my guy friends was congratulating me on my new "girlfriend" (her) because of my profile pic She asked on the phone:"So are we in a relationship?" I reply: "Yeah! We've gone out every Friday so far. So definitely" And she kinda just trails off in an unsure way...Then she asked me if I think this celebrity guy was attractive. I said I'm going to need to see a picture of him and give her a response later. What does this question even mean?!? Is she testing me to see if I'm gay? Is this why she thinks we're just "friends??" :eek: At the end of the phone conversation, she invited me to this county fair on Friday. So there is STILL HOPE! But I'm just so lost and confused. I for sure thought there was a spark but she says we're not really in a relationship, yet she invites me to the fair (yes, it's going to be just the 2 of us) I look forward to your advice. As you can see, I've never been in a relationship so I'm new to this. But I have read MANY articles, watched MANY youtube videos on dating. Yes, very nerdy Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
eerie_reverie Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 In my opinion, you are dating, not in a relationship. To me, a relationship, at the least, implies exclusivity (which you need to discuss) and a commitment to a shared future (which you also need to discuss). Not to mention, most relationships involve some sexual contact and more emotional openness than I see happening here. I can't blame her for being confused. Link to post Share on other sites
chuckles11 Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 So, you are brave enough to make your Facebook picture a photo of the two of you, but are scared to kiss her? Time to man up OP. Try to kiss her after your next date. If she turns you down, you've been friendzoned. Next time, don't wait a month to go for a kiss. Also, it doesn't matter why she asked you about the male celebrity. Your actions should be the same, regardless. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SigOne Posted May 9, 2011 Author Share Posted May 9, 2011 Since she invited me to this fair, that means she still wants to give our "relationship" a go right? She's not inviting me to the fair just so we can hang out and be friends? It's a 1 hour drive to the fair so it's a commitment In my opinion, you are dating, not in a relationship. To me, a relationship, at the least, implies exclusivity (which you need to discuss) and a commitment to a shared future (which you also need to discuss). Not to mention, most relationships involve some sexual contact and more emotional openness than I see happening here. I can't blame her for being confused. Well, we both canceled our online dating account so that's a sign for exclusivity right? So, you are brave enough to make your Facebook picture a photo of the two of you, but are scared to kiss her? Time to man up OP. Try to kiss her after your next date. If she turns you down, you've been friendzoned. Next time, don't wait a month to go for a kiss. Also, it doesn't matter why she asked you about the male celebrity. Your actions should be the same, regardless. Alright, there will be fireworks at the fair. The finale should be an ideal time right? Link to post Share on other sites
Arikel Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 Maybe you should just ask her if she wants to be exclusive? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SigOne Posted May 9, 2011 Author Share Posted May 9, 2011 Maybe you should just ask her if she wants to be exclusive? That would mean being in a relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
eerie_reverie Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 Do you have asperger's or something? How are you so clueless after having watched "tons" of videos on this subject? You should man up and communicate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SigOne Posted May 9, 2011 Author Share Posted May 9, 2011 Do you have asperger's or something? How are you so clueless after having watched "tons" of videos on this subject? You should man up and communicate. I'm just very shy around social situations. No aspergers. I can read emotions really well In 1v1 situations, i'm much better. What should I communicate about? I told her on the phone that I want to make her my girlfriend and she just trailed off. No clear answer. Link to post Share on other sites
TaurusTerp Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 4 dates without a kiss? Get on it man.. Link to post Share on other sites
khria Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 (edited) Hi SigOne, I hope this helps you. My situation was somewhat similar to yours. I started dating a boy who waited a full 3-4ish weeks (don't remember exactly) before going for the kiss, but we held hands a little before that at his initiation. Like you, he told a bunch of people about us dating on FB and got some Wall posts in the 'why don't you make her your girlfriend?' vein. I remember being a bit upset at the time and I confronted him after seeing the FB comments: I felt like what we were doing was personal, and I would have appreciated it if he didn't discuss the status of our relationship on his Wall without first talking to me about where we stood before making things public. Part of this included posting pics of us together to his albums while we were dating without asking me if I was comfortable with that. I don't know if this is common among computer nerds, but there are a lot of people who aren't comfortable with their relationships being mediated through things like FB, MySpace, Twitter, etc., especially not in the early stages. Some of us want to have f2f discussions with the guys we're dating before making things public. To echo the other posters, I would suggest sitting down and talking to her about the status of the relationship. Be honest with her. Tell her that you really enjoy her company and ask her if she'd like to be your girlfriend again. If she trails off or doesn't give you a clear answer.. then... that's the answer itself = she's not sure yet, or isn't prepared to say yes (in other words, it may not be helpful to force her to explain herself on the spot). If she isn't sure or doesn't want to eventually have an honest talk about how she feels, I'd suggest to look elsewhere... keep dating (and let her know that you are seeing other people if you decide to). I only say this because, I imagine, the situation you want to avoid is to become seriously invested in someone who isn't on the same page. Also, it's worth considering that a month may be too soon for her to make up her mind. Having met online first, my bf and I waited longer than a month of f2f dates (once a week) before we made things 'official'. Consider that, with net-dating, people are starting off as complete strangers; she may want more time and more info about you before being able to decide. A few dates does not equal a relationship. One question: do you see a significant future with this girl? Do you have similar interests, values, tastes, etc? After my huffing and puffing over his FB indiscretion, my now-bf eventually asked me to be his gf. I gave him an unequivocal yes, and we both deleted our online profiles a week later. That's when I knew we were 'in a relationship' (FB status change included). There was no ambiguity--and it was his first time, too. So, communication always helps. Edited May 9, 2011 by khria Link to post Share on other sites
Dust Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 I think you need to kiss her right when you see her next. You can kiss her again during the fire works. I think that's a big part of you're problem. Link to post Share on other sites
P&R Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 Do not assume exclusivity... Tell her that you want to be in an exclusive with her and actually have a discussion on the matter. Link to post Share on other sites
Dust Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 Do not assume exclusivity... Tell her that you want to be in an exclusive with her and actually have a discussion on the matter. I think he should kiss her first. Link to post Share on other sites
musemaj11 Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 You have been taking her out every week and pay for it yet she acts 'surprised' when you told her she was your girlfriend? LOL, I feel sorry for you man. Either she is using you for free dates or somehow she thinks you are her dad. Link to post Share on other sites
Arikel Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 You TOLD her you wanted to be in a relationship ... you didnt ask her if she wanted the same .. And yes, exclusive = relationship : Dating only each other Link to post Share on other sites
P&R Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 I think he should kiss her first. Agreed! Kiss the women for gods sake. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SigOne Posted May 9, 2011 Author Share Posted May 9, 2011 Thanks for the great reply khria! I have a few questions My situation was somewhat similar to yours. I started dating a boy who waited a full 3-4ish weeks (don't remember exactly) before going for the kiss, but we held hands a little before that at his initiation. Was he a shy guy? First time he's dated a person? We're you just waiting for him to make the first move? Did you show any signs that you wanted to be kissed? Part of this included posting pics of us together to his albums while we were dating without asking me if I was comfortable with that. Did you have him delete the photos? We're you embarrassed that he posted the photos or just upset? Some of us want to have f2f discussions with the guys we're dating before making things public. f2f = friend to friend? What do you guys discuss about? The future together? One question: do you see a significant future with this girl? Do you have similar interests, values, tastes, etc? Yeah, we laugh a lot at each others jokes. Only real difference is she's not as physically active and very frightened of crazy adventurous things that I enjoy. But talking to her is very easy I think you need to kiss her right when you see her next. You can kiss her again during the fire works. I think that's a big part of you're problem. Well, ideally, you want the first kiss to be really special. So waiting for the fireworks is the ideal time. Especially since I waited this long, just a few more hours You have been taking her out every week and pay for it yet she acts 'surprised' when you told her she was your girlfriend? LOL, I feel sorry for you man. Either she is using you for free dates or somehow she thinks you are her dad. lol, expensive dinners and events sometimes too! Link to post Share on other sites
SMHEO Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 Kiss her. It really is that simple. Just go for it. Dont buy into all of this making the kiss magical/special stuff, kiss her when the oppurtunity is there. If you both feel strongly about eachother the sparks will fly. Like someone else said above you can then make out during the fireworks. The first kiss might be a little awkward and not go as you imagined it in your head, so just get it out of the way. I can see where the girl is coming from. Talking to my girlfriend she still gives me a hard time for not kissing her on the first date, she wasnt even sure if it was a date. In my head it was an obvious date, just shows how 2 different people can perceive different situations. After 4 dates she must be a bit confused especially with the whole Facebook photo thing, maybe a little too soon for that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SigOne Posted May 9, 2011 Author Share Posted May 9, 2011 I can see where the girl is coming from. Talking to my girlfriend she still gives me a hard time for not kissing her on the first date, she wasnt even sure if it was a date. In my head it was an obvious date, just shows how 2 different people can perceive different situations. After 4 dates she must be a bit confused especially with the whole Facebook photo thing, maybe a little too soon for that? Thing is, we met on a dating site and the point of a dating site is to become boyfriend/girlfriend. Not to just hang out and be a friend to her. So I thought this was obvious to her... Link to post Share on other sites
musemaj11 Posted May 9, 2011 Share Posted May 9, 2011 Thing is, we met on a dating site and the point of a dating site is to become boyfriend/girlfriend. Not to just hang out and be a friend to her. So I thought this was obvious to her... This woman is bad news man. She is probably doing this to tons of other men, too. You better flee now before its too late. Link to post Share on other sites
khria Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 Hi SigOne, here are some answers to your questions: Was he a shy guy? First time he's dated a person? We're you just waiting for him to make the first move? Did you show any signs that you wanted to be kissed? Yes. Pretty shy. I don't it was either of our first times, but firsts of a sort in terms of starting long-term relationships. I didn't really show signs. I just asked But this came after some flirting, etc, through texts and emails where he asked me if it would be ok. Did you have him delete the photos? We're you embarrassed that he posted the photos or just upset? No, I didn't have him delete the photos, but I was mildly embarassed because (as you know) FB is public. I just wanted to avoid a situation where he'd be posting picture after picture completely unaware of the discomfort this could cause. So, I told him to give me a heads up if he wants to post pictures, or at least send them to me first... I guess I'm sensitive to that sort of thing because of the nature of my job (where I'm public, etc, and where a lot of my FB 'friends' are also professional colleagues of a sort). f2f = friend to friend? What do you guys discuss about? The future together? Face to face. We didn't really discuss the future, but the present. We clarified the status of the relationship. Yeah, we laugh a lot at each others jokes. Only real difference is she's not as physically active and very frightened of crazy adventurous things that I enjoy. But talking to her is very easy That's good. That's an important baseline to have, talking to each other. So, how are things going now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SigOne Posted May 14, 2011 Author Share Posted May 14, 2011 So, how are things going now? We went out again and things we're really cool. We got closer and she's not upset about the FB deal. I was soooooo gonna kiss her but the right moment never came. And I was way to nervous since I prepped in my head WAY too much how it was gonnna go down. Sigh... next time............... Link to post Share on other sites
seekandfind Posted May 14, 2011 Share Posted May 14, 2011 She was confused for two very obvious reasons that people have already stated. You have taken her out numerous times, yet haven't initiated any physical contact besides hand-holding. You have made her part of your profile picture, which is a very public statement in the dating world, much too early on without establishing exclusivity (most guys would not add a girl to their profile pic unless she was their girlfriend, or just a platonic friend). YOU MUST KISS HER NEXT TIME! Make it gentle to start with and then draw her in close and add a little heat after 5 seconds or so. She wants you to do this, and she will kiss you back! Repeat this to yourself 50 times before the date. You have no reason to be unconfident After that, if everything is going well, maybe then you could bring up the idea of exclusivity. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SigOne Posted May 15, 2011 Author Share Posted May 15, 2011 alright...alright. Whew Link to post Share on other sites
Author SigOne Posted May 16, 2011 Author Share Posted May 16, 2011 YOU MUST KISS HER NEXT TIME! Make it gentle to start with and then draw her in close and add a little heat after 5 seconds or so. She wants you to do this, and she will kiss you back! Repeat this to yourself 50 times before the date. You have no reason to be unconfident Finally kissed her! You are right, she was yearning for it. lol. It was REALLY fast, like 1 sec and I felt slightly awkward afterwards. Is that fine? Link to post Share on other sites
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