fooled once Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Just read the whole thread.... I seriously doubt that an OW gives extra-special WORK advice. He can easily afford it so ask him. The only question I have is WILL he? For him to support his mistress while married opens him to even more legal jeopardy. I can promise you lawyers are REALLY good at sniffing out this sort of thing, they see it all the time. And yes, his W will hire the BEST lawyer her H can afford. In sum, don't break company policy and ask your MM to support you. Last word of caution, for him to support you means you are even MORE dependent upon him. The first line made me bust out laughing jwl :laugh: The second paragraph I completely agree with. Be very careful Daisy. If he sends you money, a large chunk of money, his wife may notice this and it could cause her to start questioning things. Daisy, this probably isn't what you want to hear... but part of being a functional adult is accepting the consequences of your actions, and not trying to make them someone else's problem. Asking your BF or anyone else to bail you out of what amounts to your own reckless risk-taking (continuing with banned practices when you're already on a warning for that same behaviour) is not demonstrating that you're prepared to deal with the consequences of your actions. IMO, it would be a major red flag to your BF - if he can't trust you not to take stupid chances in the work environment, how could he trust you not to take stupid chances in any other environment - such as with your R? And if you lie to him, you will only make it so much worse by tossing dishonesty into the mix. In your position, I would speak to my union rep and ask them to pull out all the stops to allow you to keep your job until you can find something else. Dismissal will not enhance your prospects of employment, and won't be a good thing to have on your employment record when there are so many other people out of work through no fault of their own. If that fails, be honest - with friends, family and prospective future employers. Tell them you took a foolish chance and have learned from your mistake - and show them that! No one will want to risk helping out - either by lending money, or by employing you - if there is a chance that you haven't learned from your mistake and that you will engage in future recklessness. You need to show them that you've moved on. Good luck! Union? Daisy is in the states and while there unions (few and far between), union reps aren't going to be able to 'protect' her against breaking company policy. Um...not to be snarky, but isn't what I bolded a little hypocritical? If she was a responsible adult, she wouldn't be in an affair with a married man for 5+ years. "reckless risk-taking (continuing with banned practices when you're already on a warning for that same behaviour) is not demonstrating that you're prepared to deal with the consequences of your actions" Um...again... but isn't an affair a reckless risk taking behavior? Isn't adultry a banned practice in MOST areas? I mean, I have yet to read an article in the paper where affairs are thought of as a great opportunity to explore new sexual passions or a great opportunity for bettering yourself in society. And in many affairs, there are more than 1 dday, which again is continuing a banned practice where you have already been warned so a MM or the OW should be dang prepared to deal with the consequences of THEIR behavior, yet many are not. Many MM STAY in the marriage after getting busted and continue to proclaim to the OW/mistress how he really loves her and wants to be with her...yet he stays and we all know after a D day is the most opportune time for a MM to leave. So I am wondering how the advice she is being given about being reckless for websurfing isn't a little hypocritical when she is engaged in an affair. There should be no reason for you to feel weird. I mean soul mates who connect on so many levels should be able to say whatever they need to maintain a healthy relationship. Actually, he should be able to sense what you need...you two are that close right? Unemployment in this economy can be a pain. I agree. Daisy, if you and MM are open and honest, just tell him what happened. Hi! I get what you are saying. BUT I'm pretty sure that if his W wanted to sue me, my love would step in on my behalf. Oh sweetie, I wouldn't bet the farm that he would step in on your behalf
thomasb Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 And there isn't thing one he could do on your behalf! It would not be up to him. It is joint property, whether it is his income or hers, and if it is given too you, even if he chooses to do that. She can sue you. you will be humiliated and ridiculed in the public court system and the papers. I would not want that for my daughter. I hope to God I have taught her better!
kis Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Against my better judgement I am going to ask my question of fellow OW and hope people can be nice. I got into some trouble with my supervisor at work because I was using the computer to surf unauthorized sites. I am very very scared that I might get fired or asked to resign. I can't get into TMI, but if I lose my job I will be in big trouble financially!! My friends and family can't help out if the worse happens. I'm too embarrassed to ask them to. Have any OW asked their AP for financial help? I know he will help me if I ask, but I'm a little scared and embarrassed. What should I do?? If you have constructive advise, please help. You really should have to ask. If you tell him you lost your job he should know you need help and offer. If he doesnt offer i wouldnt ask.
Author daisy love Posted May 11, 2011 Author Posted May 11, 2011 If you actually read my post you would see where I said it wasn't the most "honest", and that she obviously can't help herself and does it anyway, so there is some "control" issue in regard to the internet surfing. Addiction is very much about self control, but whether or not she is, or is not, isn't for me to decide. Most employees are underpaid, and why shouldn't she take advantage of a service her employer/insurance company may or may not provide, and seriously who does this hurt? No one. She may even learn something about herself she didn't realize, not every addict is a fall down drunk or a needle lover, some people don't even realize they have an addiction until it NEGATIVELY impacts their life. She's only manipulating the MM, if she isn't honest with him. Go figure..and enjoy those fava beans. LOL I don't have an addiction to the internet. I can fake some things ;) but I can't fake that!! Thanks for the idea tho.
whichwayisup Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 I believe that was meant in the sense that since you "hate" your job, now you will be forced to move on ... not that now your affair partner will be forced to get you an apartment. But if he will, go for it. I think that married guys should "keep" their mistresses financially. Being financially responsible for two households, or more, might be good for them. You have a credit card from him - can't you just get a cash advance from that? Yes, I meant that. Since Daisy doesn't seem to enjoy her job, and she may be pushed out the door, I meant take advantage of that and find a better job. My reply had nothing to do with moving into an apartment paid for by the MM and taking advantage or playing her cards right. That is just manipulative and game playing if that is actually a thought.
2sure Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 I dont see how that is any more confusing than saying OW is fine with the affair, but BS is not. Sorry - to 26pointblue , meant to quote the question: Doesn't this go against the earlier position you stated, that an OW should expect the MM to at least partially support her financially & spend money on her? I'm just confused. So if you're the OW you think the MM should spend money [marital assets] on you but if you're the BS you don't think the MM should spend money [marital assets] on the OW?
26pointblue Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Whehttp://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=125597&page=1ther you like it or not, the mistress will have to repay marital funds that a man spends on her if the courts get ahold of the case. Read this:http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=125597&page=1 Ummm, I quote from your linked article: 'Relying on an obscure 90-year-old Washington law . . .' This does not happen in most cases, it is very rare. It certainly does not support your proposition that the mistress will have to repay marital funds [perhaps 'may,' in some very rare circumstance would be a better characterization], & it doesn't support the original proposition that in most if not all states the wife can sue the mistress at the time of divorce for marital funds the MM spent on the wife. All I know for sure is that that proposition flies in the face of community property laws of my state. I think it's wrong to use these scare tactics against OWs when it's the MMs spending money on them. If anyone is found to be responsible for repayment it's the MM & not the OW.
26pointblue Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 I dont see how that is any more confusing than saying OW is fine with the affair, but BS is not. Sorry - to 26pointblue , meant to quote the question: Doesn't this go against the earlier position you stated, that an OW should expect the MM to at least partially support her financially & spend money on her? I'm just confused. So if you're the OW you think the MM should spend money [marital assets] on you but if you're the BS you don't think the MM should spend money [marital assets] on the OW? I understand, 2sure, but now you are still telling OWs it would be ridiculous not to expect the MM to spend money on them/support them. So to me it still sounds contradicting now that you have been a BS & see the effects of it & it angered you.
Silly_Girl Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 I understand, 2sure, but now you are still telling OWs it would be ridiculous not to expect the MM to spend money on them/support them. So to me it still sounds contradicting now that you have been a BS & see the effects of it & it angered you. Yes. It sounded exactly like that. But isn't that how life works?
2sure Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 I am an enigma what can I say? Honest though - this seems so clear to me, I'm surprised you dont see it. When I was OW, I was not particularly concerned with BS and only about MM and myself. I mean, otherwise I probably wouldnt have had an affair with her husband. She didnt know about me, I pretended she wasnt there. But then as a BS, I was definitely concerned with my H's relationship with OW. If it had not bothered me I wouldnt have been betrayed. The money issue is just another thing , like affection or time. Its fine when your getting it but not so fine when its being taken from you.
26pointblue Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 I am an enigma what can I say? Honest though - this seems so clear to me, I'm surprised you dont see it. When I was OW, I was not particularly concerned with BS and only about MM and myself. I mean, otherwise I probably wouldnt have had an affair with her husband. She didnt know about me, I pretended she wasnt there. But then as a BS, I was definitely concerned with my H's relationship with OW. If it had not bothered me I wouldnt have been betrayed. The money issue is just another thing , like affection or time. Its fine when your getting it but not so fine when its being taken from you. Yes, I totally understand the two different positions of thought based on the two different positions of status. What I don't understand is how you can now be actively advising OWs to take money from the MM/MM's BS. I think I am not making my question clear. It doesn't matter, I was just trying to figure it out, it doesn't affect me either way. Thanks for explaining.
RRM Posted May 11, 2011 Posted May 11, 2011 Yes, I totally understand the two different positions of thought based on the two different positions of status. What I don't understand is how you can now be actively advising OWs to take money from the MM/MM's BS. I think I am not making my question clear. It doesn't matter, I was just trying to figure it out, it doesn't affect me either way. Thanks for explaining. Perhaps it's the thinking that as an OW you aren't getting much out of things being on the side besides sex and maybe some emotional support, so you may as well get money as well? That's just my guess.
Author daisy love Posted May 12, 2011 Author Posted May 12, 2011 Perhaps it's the thinking that as an OW you aren't getting much out of things being on the side besides sex and maybe some emotional support, so you may as well get money as well? That's just my guess. You guessed WRONG
RRM Posted May 12, 2011 Posted May 12, 2011 You guessed WRONG I was talking about 2sure, not about your relationship.
NoIDidn't Posted May 14, 2011 Posted May 14, 2011 Perhaps it's the thinking that as an OW you aren't getting much out of things being on the side besides sex and maybe some emotional support, so you may as well get money as well? That's just my guess. Its one way of equalizing things. The W is being financially taken care of, why shouldn't the OW demand equal respect and care? I once overheard an older Southern relative say "at least a hooker gets paid" and was taken aback at first. But she was right. Why give your love away for free in the hopes that he will leave for you. Asking for his money is a way of saying "I'm worth it and I'm not afraid to ask for what I want/need". But, like 2Sure, I would be livid if my H was giving an OW our money. But if I was OW, and when I was OW, I never shied away from asking for what I wanted. There was no unstated "knowing my place" going on. That's what the fear of asking for his money comes down to, IMO. Are *you really going to say that asking for his money is taking it from his W? I mean, *you're already having sex with him, in most cases. *You're already taking that from her. Why not have him spend money on *you too? *You've already crossed a much more intimate boundary, money shouldn't be an issue. *You here is general.
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