Ex-Girlfriend Wants Lunch; Any tips for some fun even if not relationship?

[LoveQuestions]

This is my second post. I applied NC as recommended, and then she asked me to lunch.

 

We dated for almost 2 years. We had some breaks in between but largely an ok relationship. Except: my ex girlfriend dealt with severe issues and began to lean on me heavily for emotional support. I was one of those boyfriend/therapist types.

 

Out of the blue she gets really sad for a few weeks, and dumps me. I was shocked. Continued to provide emotional support, but then I would be pushed to the curb as a good friend, but nothing more.

 

Entered into NC to get over her. Ignored probably 20 phone calls over the course of a month. Ran into her last week and she wants to get lunch.

 

Yes, I would like to get back together. No, I’m not completely over her, but I’m much better than I was 5 weeks ago. And I am the only person who she talks to about certain things, so I knew that aspect would be hard to replace.

 

I want to go to the lunch, but I don’t want to be friend zoned. So I am not sure how to play it. She knows if I get upset, I have no problem just going back into NC, and for some reason, even though she dumped me, she doesn’t like that. But I don’t understand if she want’s my support so much she just won’t date me.

 

So I am not sure what to do.

 

I know a lot of the forum will say skip the lunch and move on, but is there a way to even make a physical connection like watching a movie or cuddling, without getting in the whole relationship. I am very attracted to her and we click, but I honestly could do without the drama of a relationship.

 

So I mean is there anyway to do this lunch where I will not get hurt? Or at least I get something out of it too?

 

I know everyone says this, but I think I offered stuff that she will have a hard time replacing, so I guess that’s why she’s staid in touch.

 

Of course, for the same reason most of my buddies have been pleading with me to move on to a healthier situation. But for now, my heart still beats for her, and she is asking for this lunch after I have ignored her for like 5 weeks.

 

Any gentle suggestions?

[Ajax]

I want to go to the lunch, but I don’t want to be friend zoned. So I am not sure how to play it. She knows if I get upset, I have no problem just going back into NC, and for some reason, even though she dumped me, she doesn’t like that. But I don’t understand if she want’s my support so much she just won’t date me.

 

 

 

Sound like you already have been. It also sounds like she's more than willing to use you as a doormat. She knows you want a relationship and she's using that fact to manipulate you into "being there" for her.

 

I know all of us good guys who are in love with the girl who squashed us think that if only we show how much we care and willing to be self sacrificing that they'll magically see the light and want to be with us again. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. The more we're there for them the less attracted to us they end up. It's a catch 22.

 

I think it best to decline on lunch and continue NC until she has something more substantial to say. It's not to be mean or bitter, but to protect your own feelings and dignity.

[LoveQuestions]

First, I want to thank you for your time and advice. It means a lot to me.

 

So would it make sense to move a lunch to dinner or ask her to hang out near my place? I mean at least if she said yes to something, I'd know this was more than just emotional friend talk even if not a relationship.

 

If she says no I guess I would be upset for 2-3 days and then go back to normal, while at least she knows I have lines and limits too.

 

The thing is that all the guides I've ever read on getting back with a girl have to do with making a lunch date at first. Like there must be some point of contact.

 

What would the more substantial thing be?

 

I don't know what more a girl would say to a dude upfront.

[Graceful]

I was one of those boyfriend/therapist types.

 

Out of the blue she gets really sad for a few weeks, and dumps me. I was shocked. Continued to provide emotional support, but then I would be pushed to the curb as a good friend, but nothing more.

 

Entered into NC to get over her. Ignored probably 20 phone calls over the course of a month. Ran into her last week and she wants to get lunch.

 

And I am the only person who she talks to about certain things, so I knew that aspect would be hard to replace.

But I don’t understand if she want’s my support so much she just won’t date me.

 

So I mean is there anyway to do this lunch where I will not get hurt? Or at least I get something out of it too?

 

My concern and question for you is what you were getting out of the relationship. What did you get out of it in the first place? Seems everything you point out is how you supported her, offered friendship, a listening ear, understanding, the ability to trust and confide in you, etc.

 

Of course you're hard to replace, you're a stand up guy and a great friend to her. But you make no mention of even one thing she ever offered you. Oh yeah, you did. She offered you the curb when she kicked you out for no reason and broke up with you. She wants your support but doesn't want to date you? Cheesh. Well, this is a classic case of someone who wants her cake ... well, you know the rest. Selfish, I'd say. You give friendship. She gives nothing. mmmmm. Doesn't sound quite fair to me.

 

Sounds like she was not very nice to you. Did not reciprocate much emotional support to you. It was all about her, wasn't it? So what's in it for you? Be honest.

 

So no lunches, no dinners, no cuddling, na da. Stay the course. You've given your sweat and maybe some tears to stay NC the past five weeks, don't trade all that in for some bottled water and a BLT and listening to her tell you all her problems. If she wants to get back together with you, she's going to have to do a lot more than make some vague lunch invitation.

 

Now if you don't mind being friend zoned ... and you like crumbs ... then maybe lunch will taste okay to you. But I sincerely hope not, you deserve a whole meal, not crumbs, if you see what I mean.

[Ajax]

First, I want to thank you for your time and advice. It means a lot to me.

 

So would it make sense to move a lunch to dinner or ask her to hang out near my place? I mean at least if she said yes to something, I'd know this was more than just emotional friend talk even if not a relationship.

 

If she says no I guess I would be upset for 2-3 days and then go back to normal, while at least she knows I have lines and limits too.

 

The thing is that all the guides I've ever read on getting back with a girl have to do with making a lunch date at first. Like there must be some point of contact.

 

What would the more substantial thing be?

 

I don't know what more a girl would say to a dude upfront.

 

The conventional wisdom around here, and I tend to agree, is that those "guides" aren't realistic.

 

The fact is, you were dumped. Hurts, doesn't it? Want to know what else hurts? Being taken advantage of and losing any remnant of respect she still may have for you. Because if you jump to her every command, bend to her every whim, she will lose all respect for you.

 

Grace is right, she's given you nothing, at least since the breakup. She certainly isn't respecting your feelings. Like I said before, she KNOWS you want her back. She also believes, and with good reason, that she can come back whenever it's convenient for her to do so. She can go off and do whatever (and possibly whoever) she wants, and you'll be her safety net.

 

If she wants to see you she should have to do a little more than ask for lunch. Until she has something substantial to say, you need to stay NC.

[LoveQuestions]

Grace – I’ve got to say you are a great writer, that post was full of wisdom but it was phrased in a very funny way.

 

What you say is what many of my friends say and the problem for me is that this is my first relationship. So when you say “woman” “kiss” “touch” “intimacy” all I think about is my ex. So many people say that I wasn’t being treated well, but I still did enjoy the companionship and I guess I also felt like I was making a difference.

 

The only thing I can say is over the last 5 weeks she has called to say she missed me, wants to talk, is really hurting, needs to talk to me, has exciting news, blah blah blah. I have never responded, so at least from the outside it is not apparent that I want to be in a relationship with her.

 

I know that lunch is a bit of a breadcrumb, so I guess I understand what you are saying. But I just don’t know when would be the right time to respond though. She directly asked me to get lunch sometime so I just said that we could plan it in the future, but I have not been hitting her up or anything.

 

But deep down I know she is not the best for me, and that she needs to make steps to improve her own issues. It would just be nice to have someone to watch a movie with on the couch! You know! I don’t think all that even requires a relationship, and I feel like she must miss it too. But who can read minds.

 

Ajax – Again thanks for your post, I really appreciate your time and how you cut to the facts. All I can say is that I have ignored her repeated calls, emails, and text messages so at least I do not look that desperate. If she asked for me back I would probably say yes, and I am not over her yet. So you are right, but I think I have done a good job of trying to meet new girls and trying to get more perspective. I know if you have only dated one girl seriously in your whole life, your brain will process things in the wrong way.

 

With only a few weeks left in the collegiate calendar before everyone basically bounces, I felt there might be an opening. But I have read over LS all the lunch date horror stories. At the same time, whenever I do read about any type of substantive event somewhere occurring at one point one must return a call. I would NEVER initiate contact because you don’t chase the DUMPER.

 

So I do think I will turn away the lunch, but if it was dinner and a movie her place, I would oblige. Is that fair? The other thing I was thinking is trying to give that as an alternative.

 

Anyhow, I can still stay in NC and keep looking for life romantic relationship #2.

[LoveQuestions]

Does any of this change if all you want is to hook up and not necessarily have the relationship?

[betterdeal]

She's unwell. Don't take things from unwell people. Perhaps suggest she seeks help from disinterested parties.

[Ajax]

If she asked for me back I would probably say yes, and I am not over her yet.

 

 

Does any of this change if all you want is to hook up and not necessarily have the relationship?

 

These two statements are at odds with each other. In one post you said you'd take her back, and in another you say you don't necessarily want a relationship. LQ, you're not over her, therefore any "friends with benefits" arrangement is doomed. It would give you a false hope, even if you think you could handle it, and crush you.

 

I'm not saying this to be insensitive. Trust me, I know how it feels. I've been NC with my ex for 9 months. It has been in all honesty, the most difficult thing I've ever done. But I refused to accept anything less than what we had. I trusted the advice given here on LS, that if I accepted friendship or any "crumbs" she would lose whatever respect for me she still had. It didn't get her crawling back, but I truely believe that as painful as it was, the alternative would have been worse.

 

I think overall you've done well at the NC, but your head's still not clrear. It's going to take time. If you do decide to meet up, I actually think that lunch would be preferable to dinner and a movie. Lunch is a smaller investment, and will be less awkward. But yes, let her initiate.

 

Stay strong, and let us know what happens!

[Graceful]

Glad you took the advice in the spirit in which it was given. I could tell that you're young and not that experienced with these matters, but at the same time, you wrote in to LS --- and I see that as you wanting a sanity check. And now you've gotten one that's very clear.

 

Ajax (and trust him, he knows what he's talking about) and I have your best interests at heart here.

 

And this girl does not have your best interests at heart, she only has her best interests in mind. She's missing the great friendship you offered -- and well she should. Look, she's young, too. Now she realizes she didn't appreciate a good thing when she had one.

 

But the diff is this: You've been nice to her. You gave her quite a bit in the way of friendship. She was not nice to you, and gave you very little in the way of friendship. Clear?

 

I still did enjoy the companionship and I guess I also felt like I was making a difference.

 

The only thing I can say is over the last 5 weeks she has called to say she missed me, wants to talk, is really hurting, needs to talk to me, has exciting news, blah blah blah. I have never responded, so at least from the outside it is not apparent that I want to be in a relationship with her.

 

In all this, she has not said she wants to get back with you, has she? She has not said she is willing to reciprocate. All she's said is," WAH WAH WAH, what about me! I'm lonely! I miss you! WAH!!"

 

Noise. Lip Service. So what else is new?

 

The thing about people like your exGF is that she needs to learn that friendship is a TWO-WAY street. According to her definition, you take all the time, and you, um, give? Give? What's that? I don't give, I just take.

 

Yes, I can understand that you felt you were getting something out of the relationship because you were helping her, and supporting her, and she seems to have appreciated that for a while. But then she began to feel suffocated by it, and dumped you ... guess why? She knew she should be giving something back, and she either couldn't, didn't want to, didn't know how, or just didn't feel like it. Plain and simple. See, being selfish can be a real b*tch to live with. Makes you do real dumb things like break up with a nice guy, regret it, and then try to back pedal your way out of it.

 

Look, I don't want to belittle that your exGF has problems and gets depressed. That's not it at all. But I do think that if she needs help, she should seek it elsewhere, and realize it does not give her a free pass to be unkind or uncaring to a BF that was very caring toward her.

 

That's when and how friend zoning begins to form. Your ex thinks she gets to decide everything, you see. She gets to decide if you date. She gets to decide if you're friend zoned. She gets to decide that she wants to see you, and when, and under what circumstances. HUH? Is she delusional or something?

 

What about you? You get no say? If you hang out with her, you're going to get the short end of the stick. So nope. Not gonna happen. Not going halfsies with her because your half isn't what you want. You get to decide.

 

It would just be nice to have someone to watch a movie with on the couch! You know! I don’t think all that even requires a relationship, and I feel like she must miss it too.

 

VS.

 

Does any of this change if all you want is to hook up and not necessarily have the relationship?

New twist here? What's this about? This doesn't map to what you said above earlier.

 

I thought you sound like a guy who wants a GF who is fun to be with, fun to hang out with, drama free, and some attraction, of course. Well, your ex, other than the attraction part, just doesn't fit that profile.

 

AND no, no, no and no. No hookups with her. That's just irresponsible and will make an even bigger mess of your emotions.

 

Don't go blindly out to lunch, or dinner, or a picnic just so she can blather on and on about her boring problems and dump her drama on you. Ajax and I, people who don't even know you, but who have dating experience, are telling you the same thing your friends are telling you. What does that say? Don't prolong the end and put yourself through humiliation that you can avoid.

 

Give it a bit more time. If the school year is coming to a close, will you be moving home for the summer anyhow? That alone might make NC easier.

Edited May 9, 2011 by Graceful