digital_reality Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 I don't even know where to begin. My wife and I are going through a separation right now and I am lost and hurt. We had known each other for 10 years and have been married for just about 6 of those. We had always had our share of arguments but I never really thought it would come to this. We had just been on an AWESOME vacation and had a blast. We were in the process of trying to have a child. We had some issues in that department. We had been on hormones and going to go see a fertility clinic. I really thought she was ready to settle down and have a family. When we came back from the vacation, I could tell something was off. She told me that she needed some time to sort her head out and to not pressure her about it. So I though that would be the best resort. I kept back and didn't want to pressure her. A few days later she sat me down and told me that she was moving out to work on herself. I begged and pleaded with her to stay, but she wasn't having it. I thought I was a really good husband. I did everything around the house, laundry, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, all of the outside yard work. But in the end, she said she just didn't feel any love from me. I was always doing romantic things, buying roses and bringing them to her work, buying her lunch and taking it to her work. I didn't know anyone that was doing stuff like that. But like I said, in the end, she just wasn't happy with me. So here I sit. I live in area away from my family and friends. She has her family and friends here. I have no one to talk to about this. I haven told a few select co-workers cause I know they would find out sooner than latter when I start to move things. I haven't told my mother yet, this is going to destroy her. I am so lost and alone. I thought I was doing good at this marriage thing. I know when I was on the alter that day, I promised to never leave her, no matter what... I really did mean that. I thought this is what that meant.. no matter what. We have this house that we are going to have to leave cause neither one of us can afford it. I am sure our credit will go in the trash. No one will buy this place. I just can't believe this is happening... I don't think it has really hit me yet. Anyway, I guess I am here cause I don't know where to turn. Just someone to talk to would be great. Thanks for your time.
The Great Gazoo Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 I am so lost and alone. I thought I was doing good at this marriage thing. I know when I was on the alter that day, I promised to never leave her, no matter what... I really did mean that. I thought this is what that meant.. no matter what. I am EXACTLY in the same place with you man, only with a bit of infidelity thrown in just to add a twist to the knife through my chest. I am as loyal as a German Shepherd and I thought I was in it for the long haul. Hit me like a ton of bricks in the chest. I thought our marriage was actually stable and secure too. Apparently our wives thought differently, because their immediate needs were more important than their word & commitment. It's a hollow feeling isn't it?
Author digital_reality Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 I am EXACTLY in the same place with you man, only with a bit of infidelity thrown in just to add a twist to the knife through my chest. I am as loyal as a German Shepherd and I thought I was in it for the long haul. Hit me like a ton of bricks in the chest. I thought our marriage was actually stable and secure too. Apparently our wives thought differently, because their immediate needs were more important than their word & commitment. It's a hollow feeling isn't it? Thanks for the reply. It helps to know there is someone around that has the same issues as I do. You are so right, it is such a hollow feeling. My wife had a lot of 'guy' friends, I have no idea, she could have been cheating, but I really don't know. I know I trust her more than anything. Though the funny thing was she never trusted me and I never did a damn thing to make her think that.
nyc_guy2003 Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 My top guess is that she cheated on you during the vacation. The second guess would be she blames you for not having kids. Third guess is that you are leaving some crucial detail out about the way you treat her that is making her second guess the marriage. Otherwise the story doesn't really add up when you say things go from a perfect 10 to a 0 at the drop of a dime.
TheBadOne Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Its her loss man, give her enough time and she will be begging to have you back. Use this time to improve and enjoy yourself. It is the perfect time to become selfish and not worry about anyone or anything. Regarding the house, don't sweat it too much right now since there is not much you can do about it. They won't kick you out until a foreclosure happens and that can take years. Hopefully it won't come to that but you get the jist. A lot of us are going through the same thing, including myself, so don't feel isolated and keep posting. We are here to listen.
Steadfast Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 (edited) First off, I'm really sorry that you have to go through this. You came to the right place for answers though and they'll help...if you're willing to listen. I say this because what you're likely to read here will be at odds with your instincts to kiss her ass, beg, search for an answer or endless trying. I thought I was a really good husband. I did everything around the house, laundry, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, all of the outside yard work. But in the end, she said she just didn't feel any love from me. I was always doing romantic things, buying roses and bringing them to her work, buying her lunch and taking it to her work. I didn't know anyone that was doing stuff like that. It has become clear to me that the 'dream husband' is more likely to face divorce than the less loving men we often see enjoying long term marriages. I can relate; I very closely followed the pattern you described above and -like you- my wife not only didn't appreciate it much, she started sleeping with other guys. The odds are yours is too BTW...and although that's a stretch by me, let's just says it's a calculated guess. Very calculated. Why can't Mr. Perfect keep wifely happy? Because like any other spoiled creature, the same old thing gets boring and she wants some new toys to play with. No doubt, she'll someday (soon...even quicker if she feels you're backing away) realize few men are willing to spoil her the way you did and she'll (at least) throw some breadcrumbs your way to keep you available. After my wife left, my intense self-analysis cast a serious doubt as to why I did all those things for her. Through 16-years. With four kids. Was I trying to buy her affection? Did I want to trap her in my maze of love and neediness? I had almost thought that true of myself until I realized (after the devastating depression stage) that I was still like that. I like my clothes clean and sorted, the lawn trimmed, the car serviced and the 'fridge stocked...even when the kids are visiting her and I'm alone. Am I trying to win my own affection? Or do I just enjoy staying busy and productive? No. I just loved her, that's all. Only you can say why you did what you did, but my wife grew bored with me and found someone a little more rough around the edges. Too rough I guess, so she tried again...and again...and.. Now she misses me. But friend, she doesn't love me. Not like a wife should love a husband. And when a woman says she doesn't love you (or isn't 'in love') there's a 98% chance she never will. Maybe yours is the exception? What keeps me away is she didn't appreciate me. She took me for granted, after I busted my ass for her, our family and anyone else that needed help. As I told her, I may not be any great prize, but I'm out of her league. My advice to you? Turn off your computer, get down on your knees and thank God Almighty that she didn't pull this crap after squeezing out a kid or two. Then, go full 180 and never look back unless she says "I'm sorry. I love you and I'm willing to do anything to save our marriage." If you discover she's been seeing another man (which, again, I'm guessing...) divorce her, salvage your credit by selling the house back to the bank, pack your gear and head where the sun's shining brighter. Drastic? Yeah. And, I know it sucks because no one likes to fail. Look at it this way; even the Patriots have to punt once and awhile. I know you love her. I know you care. So does she. But even the strongest love isn't worth salt if you're in it alone. Hold out for the proclamation. Don't settle. Edited May 9, 2011 by Steadfast
Woggle Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 At least you didn't have kids with her yet. I am sorry to hear this but in the end you will be better off without her. I must agree with Steadfast that the men who get screwed the worst tend to be the ones who society would consider to be the dream husbands while men who many would consider to unenlightened neanderthals tend to enjoy long and happy marriages. It's not that these men are unfaithful or abusive but they prioritize their own needs and happiness instead of bending over backwards for a spoiled wife.
Author digital_reality Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 My advice to you? Turn off your computer, get down on your knees and thank God Almighty that she didn't pull this crap after squeezing out a kid or two. Then, go full 180 and never look back unless she says "I'm sorry. I love you and I'm willing to do anything to save our marriage." If you discover she's been seeing another man (which, again, I'm guessing...) divorce her, salvage your credit by selling the house back to the bank, pack your gear and head where the sun's shining brighter. Drastic? Yeah. And, I know it sucks because no one likes to fail. Look at it this way; even the Patriots have to punt once and awhile. I know you love her. I know you care. So does she. But even the strongest love isn't worth salt if you're in it alone. Hold out for the proclamation. Don't settle. I totally agree with you.. I have already thanked god a few times that this happened before we started having kids. I think I am being civil with all of it right now, but I have a feeling that when we are both on our own way, I will pretty pissed about the entire situation. I have no idea what the future is going to bring. But I am going to try to use this time that was given to me to improve myself for myself.. it is hard to do.. but it is all I have.
2.50 a gallon Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Almost everybody on this board has walked you path in the past or is now walking the same path In the short term it will be more pain, more loneliness, more emptiness, and the feeling of falling into a deep black hole, devoid of love and laughter, full of regret, failure, anger and the lack of trust. Think about it! You want to trust her, but do you really trust her like you did six months ago? Over the next six months to two years, these dark feeling will slowly begin to fade, you will become accustom to them being with you, and if you are smart you will get your chit together and say it is time to move on. Life is worth living, I want to find somebody new. And then one day, when you least expect, there will be this pretty face looking brightly at you wanting to know it you want to come out and play. And here is the big surprise, she will be even better than what you lost. Somehow we always trade up. In the future there will come a time when you will love again, and it will be so much better that you will be saying 'Breaking up was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Chi townD Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Thanks for the reply. It helps to know there is someone around that has the same issues as I do. You are so right, it is such a hollow feeling. My wife had a lot of 'guy' friends, I have no idea, she could have been cheating, but I really don't know. I know I trust her more than anything. Though the funny thing was she never trusted me and I never did a damn thing to make her think that. Probably because she never trusted her and what she was doing.
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