MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 I just wrote the thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t277098/ and I think need to contact him. I just feel like i have to. Last contact we had is when he left a note on my door to put his mail in a bag and i wrote him an email to his work email saying its all in a bag and on door. It was so empty our contact. his note was very official business only and my reply even more so I miss him my life is miserable without him I want to let him know that. but why? i mean what do i stand to gain? if he wanted to be with me he would he must know that i am sad without him actually i bet he doesnt even care he does not want to be with just me and thats what i want...him to be with just me not other women and he flat out said he cant cause he doesnt want a full blown relationship so why do i feel like i should contact him? why do i feel like i need him? why am i so co dependent? I want to text him i want to talk to him i want him to see me and i want to talk but wtf do i even have to say? i havent seen him for two weeks and i am freaking dying....dying!!!! and to him this is nothing. two weeks of not seeing his face is killing me and why is it nothing to him? what do i do what do i say?
Gisele Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Please please please say nothing!!! It's so tempting. I know how hard it is. Don't break no contact. Just don't. It won't help, i promise you that. I have class in the morning and it's really late here so ill try and write more tomorrow but just so you have the support Write down 5 things that you hated about the relationship. Call a friend and get them to distract you. Watch a comedy. Just get through tonight.
LostInTurn Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 I just wrote the thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t277098/ and I think need to contact him. I just feel like i have to. Last contact we had is when he left a note on my door to put his mail in a bag and i wrote him an email to his work email saying its all in a bag and on door. It was so empty our contact. his note was very official business only and my reply even more so I miss him my life is miserable without him I want to let him know that. but why? i mean what do i stand to gain? if he wanted to be with me he would he must know that i am sad without him actually i bet he doesnt even care he does not want to be with just me and thats what i want...him to be with just me not other women and he flat out said he cant cause he doesnt want a full blown relationship so why do i feel like i should contact him? why do i feel like i need him? why am i so co dependent? I want to text him i want to talk to him i want him to see me and i want to talk but wtf do i even have to say? i havent seen him for two weeks and i am freaking dying....dying!!!! and to him this is nothing. two weeks of not seeing his face is killing me and why is it nothing to him? what do i do what do i say? I understand what you're saying and I understand how you're feeling. But look at this in pieces. When you think about the situation think of it in segments; otherwise you won't be able to think clearly or make sense of any of it. Stay NC. You're two weeks in and that is great! I know you don't think so, but it is a big deal. Stay NC. Many of us on here have broken NC and regretted it. To answer your question as to what you would gain from breaking NC, you won't gain anything. You will have more hurt and pain and possibly even more questions. I don't think it's necessarily 'co-dependence' you're just upset about a breakup with someone you cared for. How you're feeling is normal. Don't beat yourself up over being upset. Also, and I know this is difficult, try not to think about what he could or could not be doing. That will only cause you unnecessary angst. I've been where you are. You want something that someone else doesn't want. That is such an incredibly difficult obstacle to accept and over come, but now is the best time. In time, when you look back you will be more proud of yourself for walking, the sooner you do it.
Gisele Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Also, you don't know for certain how this has all been for him. But don't focus on him, you need to look out for yourself. YOU are your main priority. You're allowed to be selfish now. Vent it all out here, it gets rid of the energy Do NOT give him the validation of thinking 'she misses me'. Been there, done that, gained nothing but a big tub of embarrassment and setback I found that weekends were the worst too. I read your original post, and you deserve better
ramathorne Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 You will not feel better. I've been doing no contact for a couple weeks now (GF of three years dumped me). The ex messaged me last night and today. I didn't respond last night and felt fine. I responded today because she wouldn't leave me alone, and felt like ***** all day. It works the opposite way that you would think! Like gisele said, call a friend! Keep posting on here! Just do something other than contact him!
LostInTurn Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Also, you don't know for certain how this has all been for him. But don't focus on him, you need to look out for yourself. YOU are your main priority. You're allowed to be selfish now. Vent it all out here, it gets rid of the energy Do NOT give him the validation of thinking 'she misses me'. Been there, done that, gained nothing but a big tub of embarrassment and setback I found that weekends were the worst too. I read your original post, and you deserve better I agree with this. You now have two females telling you the same thing and supporting you. I also contacting, gained nothing and found myself embarrassed. I wished I hadn't contacted him because I was starting 'all over, day one of NC' That's a terrible feeling, I don't recommend you experience it.
D-Lish Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 I went back and read how your break up transpired- and I'm really sorry you are going through this. Something that stood out to me in your other thread is: I want to text him and be like look you have til the end of May to make up your mind....and I want to do that in the hopes of him picking me Don't do it, don't give him an ultimatum. Trust me when I tell you that silence is your best friend right now. Especially if he expressed he thought the relationship meant a loss of freedom. Ultimatums are just going to push him away. He's thinking about things, don't think he isn't, you were together for quite a while. You have to let him know how it feels to miss you, and that's why it's important to NOT say anything at all to him. Having said all that- knowing what you know about him, his past, the fact that he's already hooked up with someone- is this guy the right fit for you? That's a question you'll have to face at some point. You said he's in his early 30's, out partying with people in their early 20's? Does this guy even want to grow up and get his act together?
Gisele Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 It's truly awful, and it just strengthens the negative feelings you have towards YOURSELF: not a great idea. Night-time is terrible for what-ifs, I think I was bad then just because I wasn't keeping busy, so: Best case scenario: he replies. He's not going to say he misses you (im sure you're worth missing, but he won't). He'll make some casual comment at best. You'll analyse it. Fixate on it. Question yourself more. And allow it to let you confuse you. Wonder if you should reply. Worst case scenario: he doesn't. And it's like being rejected twice Don't give him the power to upset you further. You wouldnt advise a friend to contact him if she were in your position.
D-Lish Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 It's truly awful, and it just strengthens the negative feelings you have towards YOURSELF: not a great idea. Night-time is terrible for what-ifs, I think I was bad then just because I wasn't keeping busy, so: Best case scenario: he replies. He's not going to say he misses you (im sure you're worth missing, but he won't). He'll make some casual comment at best. You'll analyse it. Fixate on it. Question yourself more. And allow it to let you confuse you. Wonder if you should reply. Worst case scenario: he doesn't. And it's like being rejected twice Don't give him the power to upset you further. You wouldnt advise a friend to contact him if she were in your position. That's what keep me from contacting my ex- knowing the response or lack of response will set me back. The response won't be what I want to hear- I know that, and I don't want to put myself through that. I don't want to knock on his door again, only to be rejected a second time. I agree that you don't want to give him that kind of power over you. I really do think you have to start thinking about why he isn't the right fit for you either. Right now you're beating yourself up, stressing over what you did wrong to contribute to the break up- and in doing so, you're attempting to negotiate how you can fix things. You can't do or say anything right now that is going to fix things. I'm sorry to say that when people make a decision to leave a relationship- they've checked out by the time they say the words to us. If you want to jot some things down to him- do it, get it out, but DON"T send it to him. He doesn't deserve anything from you.
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 Okay I am trying to listen to everyone on here and to my own inner voice of reason. I will not get anything out of contacting him and yes giving him an ultimatum will only push him further away which is exactly what happened....the 2 months we used to break up i kept trying to force him to choose and he kept choosing NOT ME. I dont know what else to do. I'm in a new city with no friends and nothing else to do with my time. I mean I have things to do but i dont want to do them. I have to work on my dissertation and instead i'm sitting here crying. FML. When does this go away? and why was he so cold when he wrote me that note about his mail? why did he not reply to my email about his mail and at least say thank you.....why is 2 weeks not enough for him? and when will i get it through my head that this guy is happier without me??? hes with girls and he replaced me already...how can i think he ever loved me?
D-Lish Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 (edited) He loved you when he was with you, hold onto that. How do you get over it? You push through the grieving process, you embrace the hurt. I've just been through it with my ex. Nothing sucks more than hearing they don't want to be with us anymore- nothing in life is more impactful than a break up. I think with you- there are red flags in your guy, and he doesn't sound like the right fit for you- What do you think about that? Edited May 9, 2011 by D-Lish
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 I dont know why its not enough. I dont know why I'm being so overly dependent on him. I see the red flags and why are they not enough
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 I want to text and say "Its been exactly two weeks that I stood at Barnes and Noble by myself waiting for you and you never showed. For the second time. Two weeks without seeing or contacting one another and I was sure that would be enough. But it obviously isn't. Now i realize its actually been 2 and a half months that you've been trying to get away from me so I'm finally going to leave it at that"..... thats what i want to say. but i know nothing will come of it. i know this.
LostInTurn Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Okay I am trying to listen to everyone on here and to my own inner voice of reason. I will not get anything out of contacting him and yes giving him an ultimatum will only push him further away which is exactly what happened....the 2 months we used to break up i kept trying to force him to choose and he kept choosing NOT ME. I dont know what else to do. I'm in a new city with no friends and nothing else to do with my time. I mean I have things to do but i dont want to do them. I have to work on my dissertation and instead i'm sitting here crying. FML. When does this go away? and why was he so cold when he wrote me that note about his mail? why did he not reply to my email about his mail and at least say thank you.....why is 2 weeks not enough for him? and when will i get it through my head that this guy is happier without me??? hes with girls and he replaced me already...how can i think he ever loved me? It easy to get off track a little. Your priorities aren't your priorities anymore, but that's normal. Take a breath and perhaps trying reading something or writing something, put the television on in the background. Occupy your mind, you deserve it. You can be upset again in an hour. Take a short break from the tears. No one can answer when it will go away. That answer is contingent on you and the healing process. You are in complete control of that piece. My ex swore up and down how much he 'loved' me. Well, if he truly loved me how much he claimed, he wouldn't have let me hurt and he was cold to me as your ex was to you. There's no explaining it. I tried to unlock that mystery for weeks when the breakup occurred, but I was without an answer. I know it's difficult, but try to focus your attention on you and not the 'why' of his actions. You won't figure it out. When one half of the relationship makes the choice to walk, they're making a choice to walk. They don't answer, call or text because they need time for themselves. The best thing you can do in this situation is exactly what he doesn't think you'll do, disappear. I can say this honestly, disappear. Although I'm over my break-up (for the most part) there are still instances where I catch myself... my biggest regret was not getting up and walking out and not contacting him again the MOMENT he told me he needed time. I am happy now and don't wish to get back together, but if I'm giving you honest advice, when I look back I wish I had. I don't know what courage I would have had to muster up, but for the mark that would have left, it would have been the better option. Try not to think of it as 'replacing'. In my honest opinion, you can't really 'replace' someone. No two people are alike and you probably won't ever find someone who has the same traits as someone. You may find someone who is better in some ways, but no one will 'replace'. There are people in my past that have made such an impact on me that nothing could ever replace the place I have for them in my heart and I say that with sincere honesty.
Author MyHeartHurtsOuch Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 It easy to get off track a little. Your priorities aren't your priorities anymore, but that's normal. Take a breath and perhaps trying reading something or writing something, put the television on in the background. Occupy your mind, you deserve it. You can be upset again in an hour. Take a short break from the tears. No one can answer when it will go away. That answer is contingent on you and the healing process. You are in complete control of that piece. My ex swore up and down how much he 'loved' me. Well, if he truly loved me how much he claimed, he wouldn't have let me hurt and he was cold to me as your ex was to you. There's no explaining it. I tried to unlock that mystery for weeks when the breakup occurred, but I was without an answer. I know it's difficult, but try to focus your attention on you and not the 'why' of his actions. You won't figure it out. When one half of the relationship makes the choice to walk, they're making a choice to walk. They don't answer, call or text because they need time for themselves. The best thing you can do in this situation is exactly what he doesn't think you'll do, disappear. I can say this honestly, disappear. Although I'm over my break-up (for the most part) there are still instances where I catch myself... my biggest regret was not getting up and walking out and not contacting him again the MOMENT he told me he needed time. I am happy now and don't wish to get back together, but if I'm giving you honest advice, when I look back I wish I had. I don't know what courage I would have had to muster up, but for the mark that would have left, it would have been the better option. Try not to think of it as 'replacing'. In my honest opinion, you can't really 'replace' someone. No two people are alike and you probably won't ever find someone who has the same traits as someone. You may find someone who is better in some ways, but no one will 'replace'. There are people in my past that have made such an impact on me that nothing could ever replace the place I have for them in my heart and I say that with sincere honesty. This is all so true,,,and i wish i had left the second he told me its over...and i shouldnt have begged etc but then again now i know there is nothing i could have done
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