confuzed25 Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 months....im 24 and he is 27. When we started dating I just felt like he was "the one." And it was like he felt even stronger about me...he was constantly saying I was the girl for him, the perfect girl he had been searching for, that he just knew we were going to be together, get married, and start a family. I even tried to blow it off and say it was too early and we couldnt possibly know that but he said he just knew it and that he couldnt possibly imagine anyone more perfect for him. He is the most amazing man....he always tells me he loves me, he treats me so good, would do anything for me. We never fight, we trust each other 100%, theres never been any jealousy. He texts me throughout the day, calls me when he says hes going to, has never blown me off. When we're together he is always holding my hand, rubbing my back....even when we are out and he is talking to someone else he reaches for my hand. He is always kissing me on the forehead, or neck, or hand. I cant say enough good about the way I am treated by him, it really amazes me. His parents both really like me, his brother and sister in law have told him how much they approve of me and are happy for him, and just last night we went out with some of his friends, 2 of them being girls and they said to him right in front of me how much they like me and that he better never break up with me. Not to mention I believe I am a great girlfriend and have a lot going for me. I have a great job, own a home, have my life on the right track. So basically everything is great but for some reason I get these feelings where I get paranoid and kinda freak out thinking that his feelings for me are changing. Like if hes not as attentive to me or if he just says love ya instead of i love you or if he seems a little distant. Also, he used to want to see me almost every day....now its like hes content to see me 3 times a week. When I bring up the future its like hes hesitant to talk about it anymore....he used to be the one to bring it up. Now he never talks about us getting married or jokes that I am stuck with him for a long time. Today I said something like "I feel like we are going to be together for a long time," and he said "yep, a very long time" and then changed the subject. Maybe its just the natural progression of a relationship once you get used to each other and the newness wears off. He just used to be practically obsessed with me to the point it was almost annoying and now I wish he was more like that. I just cant figure out if I have reason to be worried that his feelings are slowly changing or if I'm being crazy and insecure for no reason. Any insight or advice would be appreciated!!
Star Gazer Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Was he "obsessed with you" as you describe it from the very beginning? As in, did he come out of the gate with that amount of attention and admiration?
SxB Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 months....im 24 and he is 27. When we started dating I just felt like he was "the one." And it was like he felt even stronger about me...he was constantly saying I was the girl for him, the perfect girl he had been searching for, that he just knew we were going to be together, get married, and start a family. I even tried to blow it off and say it was too early and we couldnt possibly know that but he said he just knew it and that he couldnt possibly imagine anyone more perfect for him. He is the most amazing man....he always tells me he loves me, he treats me so good, would do anything for me. We never fight, we trust each other 100%, theres never been any jealousy. He texts me throughout the day, calls me when he says hes going to, has never blown me off. When we're together he is always holding my hand, rubbing my back....even when we are out and he is talking to someone else he reaches for my hand. He is always kissing me on the forehead, or neck, or hand. I cant say enough good about the way I am treated by him, it really amazes me. His parents both really like me, his brother and sister in law have told him how much they approve of me and are happy for him, and just last night we went out with some of his friends, 2 of them being girls and they said to him right in front of me how much they like me and that he better never break up with me. Not to mention I believe I am a great girlfriend and have a lot going for me. I have a great job, own a home, have my life on the right track. So basically everything is great but for some reason I get these feelings where I get paranoid and kinda freak out thinking that his feelings for me are changing. Like if hes not as attentive to me or if he just says love ya instead of i love you or if he seems a little distant. Also, he used to want to see me almost every day....now its like hes content to see me 3 times a week. When I bring up the future its like hes hesitant to talk about it anymore....he used to be the one to bring it up. Now he never talks about us getting married or jokes that I am stuck with him for a long time. Today I said something like "I feel like we are going to be together for a long time," and he said "yep, a very long time" and then changed the subject. Maybe its just the natural progression of a relationship once you get used to each other and the newness wears off. He just used to be practically obsessed with me to the point it was almost annoying and now I wish he was more like that. I just cant figure out if I have reason to be worried that his feelings are slowly changing or if I'm being crazy and insecure for no reason. Any insight or advice would be appreciated!! TALK to him. If you both have such amazing compatibility then communicate to him openly ask him "In the beginning of the relationship you were excessive with me, but why aren't you anymore?".
MrNate Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 It's often said, (and i think it's true), the relationship actually starts when that newness wears off. As stated above, the most powerful thing you can do at this point is to actually talk to him.
girlygirl2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Posted May 9, 2011 Hey hon, don't worry, I would put it down to the natural progression of things. You need to back off ever so slightly too, maybe do one less thing than you used to do and it will draw him back. Men are weird, they do all the chasing then when they know they've got you they tend to back off. It doesn't mean he loves you any less. I know it's hard but keep repeating that to yourself and you'll see. Take back a little independence too, men secretly love this, don't forget who YOU are. I'm sure all will be amazing, he sounds like a great guy
Author confuzed25 Posted May 9, 2011 Author Posted May 9, 2011 thank you for the replies....ive chalked it up to me just being paranoid. Last night he was texting me saying what a great time he had this weekend with me and definitely cant wait for many more times like that with us. He said he could be having the worst day but as soon as he gets with me its all better. And like over the weekend we went to a benefit dinner/casino night and we had the best time together, he couldnt keep his hands off me, barely left my side the whole night. Then the next morning he was going to breakfast with his parents and I didnt go because I didnt have any proper clothes, only had my pajamas and he was begging me to go saying he really wanted me to come. After he left he texted me "please stay and hang out with me when i get back" which I did and he even brought me breakfast back from the restaurant which I did not ask him to do. I think I need to just go with the flow and stop worrying so much before I sabotage this relationship. I can see all the good ways he treats me and all the nice things he says to me like I described above but then like this morning he has not texted me like he does every other morning to say good morning and that he loves me. So I start thinking maybe im not on his mind or maybe he doesnt feel like saying i love you. And I have talked to him about it before...I think it was last week and he just clams up and doesnt say much other than "i thought everything was going great."
Author confuzed25 Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 something still isnt right.....all day yesterday he went without saying "i love you." Thats normally the first thing he says in the morning. Finally late in the evening when he still hadnt said it I jokingly asked him what was up with him today, he hasnt even said I love you once. He texted me back "i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you....that should make up for what i missed. sorry hun, didnt even realize i didnt say it once today. Hope work is going good for you tonight, love you with all that i am hun!" Then he didnt even text me before he went to bed and I got a text this morning just saying "sorry i didnt text you last night, i told you i wasnt tired and next thing i know i passed out on the couch. have a good day hun, love ya." Something about that text really irritated me....for one thing why is he calling me hun all of a sudden? Ive looked back at all my texts the last couple days and its all "hun." Before, He very rarely ever called me that and either called me baby or babygirl. Hun just seems too much like something you would call a friend. And theres that "love ya" instead of "i love you." Just seems like you dont mean it when you say "love ya." I'm beyond nervous right now....I have this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. I dont know if I should give him space and back off or if that will make things worse. I'm going to see him tomorrow and Im not sure if I should talk to him about how I feel or just let it go and try to have a good night with him and see if he acts more normal. I dont understand how things can change all of a sudden....he was with this immature girl who used him for his money and treated him like crap for 2 YEARS and the only reason they broke up was because she was cheating on him for months and I feel like I cant even make it last with this guy for 4 months and he says im the perfect girl for him and I treat him like hes the most important person in the world. Cant figure out what im doing wrong....all my friends are getting married and I cant figure out how to get a guy to commit to me for more than 4 months....honestly dont have a clue what im doing wrong.
FrostFire Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 (edited) Sounds like in the beginning you allowed him to be clingy to you. Because of that you became really attached and clingy too. Finally, he has decided to pull away for a bit to see what the reaction will be and you're now showing insecurities. Let me tell you something insecurities will RUIN a perfectly wonderful relationship. You have got to find some way to deal with your insecurities before it ruins this great relationship. Me as a guy, I found myself doing just the same with reading each and every single text whenever my girlfriend didn't contact me as much. Errrr, it is frustrating at times because your mind starts playing games with you. It got to the point that I was so involved in reading my text messages and taking each one apart to support my insecurity. Don't feed your insecurity. Do something else with your time now. It's hard I know because part of you wants back what he gave to you in the beginning. You have to understand that in the beginning of a relationship we only bring out the best in ourselves as we possibly can because we're trying to impress also known as the "honeymoon phase." Usually things start settling down after about 6 months and you truly then see each other for whom they really are. The insecurities start showing through all the negatives start coming up and the relationship then tests how strong each person is. It tests the love to see if it was superficial love or true love. You have a great guy on your hands, but if you keep letting your insecurity of every little thing he's not doing correctly for you then you're going to be the one that tears that relationship apart. The best thing you can do is tell him how you feel but understand that there is give and take in a relationship. You're wanting him to give you that attention he gave at the start of the relationship. It would be nice but by him contacting you less during the day is his way of asking to give him some space and be strong for him without him actually saying it to you. Be strong and do something else with your time. Give him this time. Make him miss you just as much as you're missing him. As far as the "love ya" and "hun" are concerned, we are guys and sometimes we get bored with calling our girlfriends babydoll, sugarcakes, sparkling eyes, babe, razzle dazzle, etc... So we choose another name whenever we feel like it. It doesn't mean we are losing interest. The love ya i have caught myself doing that sometimes which is just short of me saying Love you. Except just easier to say it when I'm feeling lazy lol. In all honesty, stop reading so much into these things because you're basically unknowingly sabotaging this wonderful relationship you have with your insecurities. Finally, you haven't fought yet. Couples fight. No matter how in-love you are or how committed, you will bicker, argue, hold grudges, and say nothing's wrong even when you're really mad. Fights can be good. They can allow couples to resolve issues and problems; however, letting what irritates you simmer until it boils over into a big argument is never healthy. Likewise, the particulars of what couples fight about are seldom important; rather, how they fight can really put a relationship into perspective. Most relationships will have a "fight" at some point. It may very well be this might be the first one. Compromises will have to be made on both your parts and working through the "fight." I feel that any good relationship should have a fight because that's healthy in my humble opinion. I would be worried if you didn't have "fights." Edited May 10, 2011 by FrostFire
Author confuzed25 Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 I really want to back off and give him some space but I dont know how to do that....im afraid if I seem nonchalant towards him, stop texting him and seeing him when im free then hes going to become bored with me and feel like the chemistry is gone. Its weird because just last week I went through a period of like 2 days where I felt like my feelings for him were changing....i felt like i wasnt attracted to him, like I didnt love him....he went away on a golf trip for 6 days and it was actually nice to have some "me" time and get things done. I started to get really upset because I thought I did not want to be with him anymore. I talked to him about it and he didnt say anything....he clammed up and just said he didnt understand where this was coming from, he thought everything was great. I had to ask him questions to get him to say anything....I asked him if he wanted to break up and he said no, he didnt want to lose me. I asked him what he was thinking and he said that he missed me like crazy when he was gone for those 6 days and he thought everything would be great once he got back. But my feelings came back and things went really well for a few days and now hes the one that seems to be changing. I dont know if this is just a period in our relationship that we are going through where we are coming out of the honeymoon stage and are both kinda freaked trying to figure out if we possibly have a future together. Im just not good at knowing how to react in situations like this....im afraid if i act different hes going to become bored or realize that we arent right for each other or feel like we have no chemistry. I dont understand how things are so great one day and the next day its like he woke up and realized he wasnt excited to talk to me or see me. Then in the middle of him acting more distant he sends me a text last night that says he misses my beautiful face. I just wish it was either all bad or all good so I wasnt so confused right now. Either express your love for me or basicallly ignore me so I dont have these ups and downs all day.
Author confuzed25 Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 I just need to take a deep breath and not worry so much. He just texted me saying "hey babygirl, what are you up to?" Hes at work but still found the time to text me. I really need to work on my insecurities....its true that his behavior towards me is changing some, I didnt imagine that. But I need to except that its part of a relationship and part of getting into a comfort zone with someone and coming out of the honeymoon period. Guys arent as emotional and romantic as women, I need to stop expecting them to be and constantly telling me how they feel about me. I also need to stop bringing up the future....im a little angry at myself for letting him convince me in the beginning that we were definitely "made for each other" and that he knew we were going to get married because we were so perfect for each other. He sounded so sure that I allowed myself to believe it but now I realize how stupid that sounds because you cant possibly know that early. I think hes realizing that too because he doesnt talk about it anymore and I need to stop bringing it up because its just going to freak him out.
FrostFire Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 (edited) You are facing an insecurity of abandonment issues which can seriously ruin your relationship and you yourself have to figure out how to get through that issue in your life. Because of this... it makes me question what has happened in your past relationships with anyone even your friends or family? Have you ever felt abandoned previously before you entered into this relationship? Also, just as you are scared of abandonment he is rightly scared even more than you are of abandonment which explains his extremely aggressive infatuation with you. He's already lost a woman once in his life. This is also an issue that needs to be out in the open. You need to tell him that you do miss the way he was to you in the beginning. You enjoyed that part of him very much. All of a sudden, he has decided to switch things up a bit and it's taken you by surprise is all. By so much of a surprise it's making you question your relationship because you're having to readjust to this now. It's not big deal but you just want him to understand it did take you by a little surprise and that you are not upset (unless you are ). You understand that he needs some "me" time just as you do the same. So in the future, if you both want some time for yourselves then let's just be upfront about it. That way one of us isn't anxiously sitting around waiting for text messages all day long left wondering. This is not a breakup or let's take a break speech by any means and if he sees it as such then you'll see his insecurities too. At the same time, you need to BACK OFF and give him that time. Show him you can live your life and have fun without him. If he truly loves you he will let you have this time and then you'll have a healthy balance of give and take. If he doesn't then you will start seeing all his insecurities coming forth. Remember, he also has issues to deal with from his past relationship and I would question how long it was from that time of breakup towards entering into another relationship. What may seem cute to you now is actually very controlling behavior. He's got so much control of your emotions it isn't funny. Because he has that control you are extremely vulnerable towards his neutral, "I thought everything was fine." Nah everything is not fine and you need to have a conversation now rather than later. Otherwise it's going to build up and build up and you're going to explode sooner or later. The communication between you two about serious stuff seems quite lacking and he does seems insensitive to what you want when he dismisses you with the "I thought everything was going well." But you can't control how a guy reacts so you now have to consider if he really is relating to you well or if the "love" has died. As an outsider looking in on his behavior what you're describing sounds a lot like you're allowing him to control you. Don't let him have all the control though which he has right now and it's so easy for him to toy with you right now. He knows what he's doing. He's testing you and seeing how STRONG you are without all the luvvy duvvy stuff. You can get through this but you have to live your own life and not give in to your insecurities. Sounds hard? It is. It's what they call the "Give and Take" in a relationship. Right now you want him to take time with you. Instead you need to take time for yourself and try not to allow him be your sole focus in life. Yes, don't look towards marriage so soon. Just love each and every day for what it is and make the most you can out of each. Enjoy life! Edited May 10, 2011 by FrostFire
Author confuzed25 Posted May 10, 2011 Author Posted May 10, 2011 Thank you frostfire....excellent advice. Im feeling better...just need to live my life and remember that I was fine being single before he came along so if ever we were to break up I would be fine again. Its hard because he has SO many of the things I look for in the man I would like to marry. Cant imagine anyone more perfect for ME and he has always said the same thing. Like if we ever break up and hes with someone new he would always be comparing them to me because I was everything he wants. Yesterday I changed my profile picture on facebook because it was a picture of me and him and it was from winter and we were snowboarding and now that its spring I figured it was time to change the picture to something more like summer. So I changed it to a picture of me and my best friend outside at a concert. He texted me a little bit ago saying "soooo miss...uhhh why am I not in your facebook picture with you anymore? haha ;)" and I said "because its not winter anymore, I needed a seasonal change! lol" and he just wrote back "lol" I think it bothers him that I changed my profile picture. He never just says "lol" and nothing else. I hope I havent made things worse...I will see him tomorrow and I guess we really do need to discuss things and I need to ask him to be honest with me so we can work through this.
FrostFire Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 (edited) Good move on that facebook profile pic . Keep it up and he'll be the one begging you for attention instead of the other way around. Feels good to get back some control, no? Yup it's bugging him no doubt. Tell him, "because it's time to take some new ones, silly!" Best of luck to you both! Oops almost forgot. That profile pic changing thing will really work on him by the way. It's possible it could backfire on you because his insecurities will start shining through. Just remind him that you love him and that you can't wait to take some new "fun" pictures with him. Make it playful in a sexy way and that will take his mind off of it. Edited May 10, 2011 by FrostFire
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